The Government of David

 

 

by David Christian Baird

 


 

 

 

 

theunspokenyes.com              Pittsburgh                  2014

 

 


 

Table of Contents

 

If You Look to What’s Written, You Die

Scanning: How-to for Brainwashed Children

I Was a Brainwashed Child

Where You’ll Start is Where You’ll End

Sugar-mind

Nuclear Technique

Horizon Event Scanning

Significant Stress

Sobriety Warrior

Resin

Composite Informational Apparatus

The Scot-free Guy

They Call It “Action”

You Think This Book is How Well You Think

Inner-brain Terminology

Materialize Your Thinking

Baeka Made Every Creature with its Virtues

Composite Would Like to Know

Ascension Song

David Lucky, Not Complaining

High-frequency Insanity

The New Normal

Seeking Life

The Instrument of the Matrix

Are You Tripping?

The Earth Pop

Voice and Voices

The Stream of David

Slash Distinctions

Lost and Found

Everyone has Arrived

Depending How Followly You Were Closing My Eyes

The Identity Mistake

The Bairdian Primal

The Imagined Sound and the Imagined Fury

Explosions of Laughter

You Will Be Shown the Light

A Could can Become a Should

Brain Salad, Word Garbage

Enslaved to Society

Strength of Practice

Crystals of Consciousness

Use the Force

The Axis of My Struggle

The Insanity Task

It’s Like Language

It’s Serious

If You Notice This Happening, Relax

 


 

 

[author’s note on terms used in the text.]

Mode Thinking Schema:

~Alpha, layer one thinking: intentional thinking, (“mode”)

~Beta, layer two: automatic thoughts, ruminations, (“quasi-mode”)

~Gamma, layer 3: outright insanity – voices, intrusive thoughts, (“non-mode”)

 

 

 

 

If You Look to What’s Written, You Die

 

 

If you look to the right, “you die”… Translation: you’ll die.  (~However you look..)  (“Exactly” codes for God, “art” codes for Arthur Janov, “always” codes for mother.  “Realize” decodes as ‘real eyes’.)  David Therapy is my recent effort, which has grown out of a struggle with schizophrenia, and LSD flashbacks, more specifically.  Was it the bad acid I took, two days in a row, in 1997, (leading to three days of extreme discomfort)?  Is it some rare variant of the schizophrenia I was diagnosed with, in ’97?  Am I not being medicated properly?  Whatever the case, every two or three days, I have an “LSD flashback” condition, which lasts hours, (up to eight hours).  Things get super-colorful and intense.  I hear some voices, have some intrusive thoughts.  I feel like I’m tripping, there’s some eye rolling and anxiety.  It can feel like a nightmare. 

David Therapy is the model I’ve built to cope with these repetitive events.  You might ask, “Isn’t it arrogant to title a therapy after yourself?”  But I seem to be the only one complaining about flashbacks.  So this therapy is designed by me, for me.  Today’s realization is the additional key, Form Therapy, to complete the picture.  David Therapy (DT) is ~transformational, ~translational, and ~teleological (goal-directed).  Form Therapy, on the other hand, is “open”.  It is the simple awareness of what is – the “forms” that consciousness takes.  DT aims to mitigate the flashbacks.  Form Therapy ~is a flashback.  It is the open becoming of the forms of consciousness, through time.  The belief is that if you can discipline yourself to know the truth in this way, the flashback will eventually subside.

Here is DT:

 

Dialectical Transformation. What is changing? (Using language).

Diametric Therapy. A therapy for this kind of condition has to be diametric. (Has to produce a 180 degree difference). Considering how serious the problems are – SI, SA, SP. (Suicidal Ideation, Substance Abuse, Selective Perception.)

 

Descriptive Treatment. What exactly is happening? To you, now?

Developmental Testing. Where are you at, developmentally? DT is the sure-fire way to “test” for this.

 

Determinate Translation. How could this be worded differently? Can you articulate what has passed in present, contemporary terms?

Dynamic Tolerance. Can you tolerate this? Can you tolerate your self?

 

Discourse Topics. Can you talk about this, in an interesting rhythm?

Dual Technique. How could this be done in an alternate way? There has to be one more technique that you're not already trying.

 

Dream Telos.  Obviously our goal (telos) is to ~dream.

Dysphoria Transcendence.  We would like to feel good.

 

Delay Timing.  There might be a slight wait involved.

Dimensional Transfer.  You can use a DT or other idea to “hop a dimension” and transfer to another mental area.

 

Different Talking.  Maybe to think differently we have to ~talk differently.

Disguised Thought.  What are you ~really thinking?

Discovery Tales.  Now is a time of discovery.

 

Decide Today. 

Deprivation Torture.  Depriving yourself of DT may feel like torture.

 

 

 

As you can see, a tall order.  Powerful, yet with a simple enough structure, DT, to be able to be remembered and worked through in a ritualized manner, at various points during the day.  Still, however powerful it is, I needed to take it further.  A flashback cannot be avoided.  Its Form must be respected and known.  Thus, Form Therapy.  This book is an elaboration of these initial conditions into a wide variety of expressions – “forms”..

 

DCB, June 27, 2014


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scanning: How-to for Brainwashed Children

 

 

~This.  What you do, what you contemplate.  As you would figure.  Different ~styles of writing.  What style of discipline you’re down for.  You ~were down for.  How “it went”, in your life.  How did “it” go?  Not well?  And people can tell – by looking at you?  How your life went?  I don’t think that’s rational.  I don’t think that’s ~real.

Explosion -- nuclear explosion.  But I’m not sure ~that’s what will happen.  Insanity.  Well – maybe some of that.  But you ~want to know what psychosis is like. 

The Normative Matrix, NM.  I guess I’m actually on its side.  History.  I vote with the winners.  I’m on the side of the wealthy.  The rest of the world doesn’t matter.  Apart from it crashing in on us, we don’t care about it.  This is what happens.  What you’d figure.  Us or them.  That’s a competition, that’s a market.  I’ve come to a turn-around, a realization.  A complex realization.  I realize whose side I’m on.  With technology.  The wealthy.  That’s what I want to be.  I want to have a good income.  I’m American, in America.  I have that edge.  The rose-tinted glasses they handed out at Mt. Lebanon.  You didn’t have to wear them.  They have their agenda, I have mine.  Number one.  First in the world.  If you’re on the side of the Pitt philosophers.  The most successful philosophers.

I guess I’m having a realization.  I want to be on the side of the ~victors, in the war of life.  The Pitt philosophers, and Aristotle, Kant, Hegel.  This is what today’s realization has been.  What we could consider.  How we could figure.  Why always choose the side of the losers in life?  If you have the option, the choice, why not choose the winning side, the winners?  That is my new realization.  What I’m interested in – power.  Power of expression, power of conceptualization. 

The Pitt philosophers are the most powerful people around here.  They are who I should focus on.  If I’m interested in power.  Although I don’t have to ~write Pitt philosophy.  I can write ultra-fictional philosophy, UFP, I can write popular “stream” stuff.  But it’s good to know the powers that be.  Who is actually considered to be the tops in the world.  Wouldn’t you be interested in that? 

Corrupt?  As Ether would say?  You don’t always agree with Ether.  For instance, in his evaluation of you.  I guess it was all possible, it was all necessary. 

I'm not just interested in the "winners" in philosophy -- I'm interested in ~all of it.  The whole picture.  If such a thing can be imagined.  What philosophy has to offer.  It’s useful.  It is instrumental – does work in the world.  I guess I drifted pretty far away.  UFP.  Almost the opposite of philosophy.  Maybe though something I can succeed at.  Voice and voices can be the ~opposite of “philosophy” – but the better I know philosophy, the better I’ll know its opposite.  This is what happens.  What we figure. 

If you were going to write.  Communication is key.  Between different versions of the self.  Different I’s.  I think I ~am interested in “language”… Brain language, or other language.  Even, machine language.  Maybe you need to be aware of both senses.  You want to speak brain language, but it’s good to know about machine language.  It’s good to know the mechanical attributes of people-entities.  We are objects, mechanical functional entities.  In addition to being spirits, persons, souls.  What you would have to consider, if you were to come this far.  Thus far.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose. 

Depending on your agenda.  What you wanted to look into.  Pitt philosophy or not.  Your attitude, your vector.  Trajectory of Desire.  It can be pretty complex, your humor.  Can involve the way you can speak, your voice.  And of course your Voices, your gamma material.  You want to segregate gamma material.  You want to isolate it and experiment with it safely.  Pure gamma material is dangerous.  Can trigger people to do dangerous, non-normative things. 

You ultimately want to ~reinforce the Normative Matrix.  You ~want “order”, beauty in the world.  Organization.  You are ~not for chaos, anarchy.  On the contrary, you are for the most sublime organization of human behavior possible.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Gerd.  Computer help.  Seeing what you’re good for.  If you were to discover certain things.  Then, I would consider.  I would suppose.  How carefully you had looked into it.  If you had never looked into it.

I guess, I know.  As it would happen.  A realization.  Power and wealth are what I'm interested in.  That could have been a component of my difficulty.  Going anti-NM, anti-system.  How do you think that’s going to turn out?  Not very well, usually.  In the grand scheme of things.  A difficult position to take.  What you discover.  If you’ve changed your attitude.  If you had a slightly different attitude, in the past.  Anti-Normative-Matrix.  However that would turn out.  The Pitt philosophers.  Some of the most powerful in the world. 

What you consider.  “Philosophy is corrupt.”  Philosophy is useful.  It serves power.  What you consider, as you’d figure.  Things.  You have going on.  Now that you realize, your project, is to get rich.  Is to ~be powerful.  It’s not to always be on the margins.  You are more interested in being in the center.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

As it would happen.  As you would figure.  If you were to suppose.  Writing a book.  A decent, clean book.  My first book for publication.  How that would go.  How you would imagine.  I guess, I don't know.  I just suppose.  As that would happen.  Seems to involve a lot of downtime.  These “conditions”... I live a good life.  I am satisfied with my life.  So what, I have flashbacks that disable me.  They're not ~all the time.  Just sometimes. 

How that would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  Almost exactly like.  It's almost exactly like.  Certain people would be curious.  At least ~some of the time.  Curious what “type” of thing we've been supporting.  What the upshot of all this support has been.  How much time are you going to give him?  I don't think it will be a problem.  As it goes, as you figure. 

Taking a shower is the most erotic thing a human being can do.  Taking a shit in public comes close.  I think we can guess what David's idea of sexuality is.  This is how that would happen.  Composite would like to know.  Would like to inquire.  What David is doing today, who he is calling, what they are talking about.  What you would figure.  I guess.  I don't know.  I just suppose.  This is what would happen.  If you were to.  Fairwood.  Certain doctors.  The doctors told us to leave you that way.  Stick out your tongue and say “Ahh”..  This is what must have happened.  If you were to. 

As you were to.  How they treated David.  When David was growing up.  What they did to this poor boy.  Since then, he's got some payback.  Some reparations.  Decade of no work.  No employment, rather.  Plenty of “work”... Trying to become a great guitar player / composer.  Trying to become a great writer.  How difficult that might be / become.  If you were going to.  Exactly.  Why the insanity?  Why the explosion?  I thought you ~wanted to explode – I thought you ~wanted insanity.  To find out.  Again and again.  How that would go.  How you would figure.

If you would consider.  As that would go.  David Theory.  What is going on in David's brain?  Can we wonder that?  Should David be put in prison / Prism?  Should we be curious what sorts of indecent material he is churning out?  At thousands of pages per year.  I thought it was okay.  I didn't realize.  I could be triggering people.  Maybe I'm ~for the NM.  Maybe I'm not anti-NM after all.  I like normalcy.  I think the normal American way to be is pretty nice.  America is treating me pretty nicely.  History is rational, history is fair.  The good win, the bad lose.  That's what meritocracy means.  If you have merit, you rise to the top.

Reading DeLillo in German, makes you realize.  How much ~content he has going.  How ~little content you have going.  If you want to.  Write something popular, like White Noise.  Voice and Voices: The Stream of David, might have to take a ~different approach, to popularity.  You were not a popular child.  With the other children.  They in general did not like you.  You had some serious social problems.  I'll just mention Alexa Main, although I could mention Shankara also. 

What you figure.  What you'd suppose.  To have come this far.  Thus far.  Then, you might imagine.  You might suppose.  That the ~ultimate solution.  Housing.  You need stable housing.  This landlord has been giving you anxiety.  You need a decent situation.  That will be so nice, when you get there.  When you've finally “arrived”, where you want to be.  Yes, moving is stressful.  Perhaps, though, not as stressful as staying here.  This is what you figure, consider.  I guess.  I don't know, I just suppose.  As it would go, as it would happen.  Things.  You could be thinking about.  As you prepare to move.  That would be, that would mean.  You'd have to box all your shit up, and carry it down the steps, and out the door.

As that would go.  As you would figure / consider.  Different things.

Just supposing.  That you would.  If you could.  This is like “poetry”, tic's going automatically and randomly.  It's like a festival of tic's.  What we consider.  As we'd consider.  I guess.  I'm into participating more in the world.  If that were possible.  Gerd has whatever going on.  He has some energy and vision.  I seem to be lacking it, currently – might as well hitch on to what he's doing.  If I can be a constructive part of things.  As that would happen.  As you'd consider.  I guess.  I don't know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  If you were going to explode, with insanity.  Isn't that what you ~want?  To see this far, thus far, into it?  Isn't that what it's all been about?  I guess, I don't know, I just suppose.  As you'd figure, consider.  As that would go.  I guess, I don't know.  I just suppose. 

As that would happen.  As you would suppose that.  If you were going to.  Gerd offers a way out.  He's a hustler, in a good way.  Always thinking of the future.  I'm a writer.  But I know my computers.  I can help with the technology.  This is what happens.  How we figure.  I guess, I don't know – I just suppose.  If you were going to, as you were going to.  As that would happen.  I'm not sure.  Tic's.  Automatic composition of sentences / lines.  No thought involved.  Just ticking them out.  Ticking out the lines. 

I guess it's life.  It's a life.  Whether or not it's a ~good life.  Is yet to be decided.  The market will decide.  What I've given the world.  I am flying, finally, no longer falling.  I fell for a ~long time.  Five books' worth.  That's a lot of information to give the world.  If you get known for Voice and Voices.  They might be interested in what you were writing before that.  What the ~formation of the Stream of David was.  That's what people might care about.  People might consider.  If you were to suppose.

As it happens.  Housing.  Central allowing you to live until your lease runs out.  Paranoia.  What level you're on.  Short hair.  Presentable, able to go out and do things.  Join in the game.  Not what we have going on.  Willing to help Gerd with his technology issues.  May as well be of some use to the world.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  I guess, I don't know.  I just suppose.  As that would go, as you would figure.  If you wanted to, if you were to.  Public intoxication, never pressed charges.  Do you have a criminal record?  Are you disabled? 

Finally, I can be free of this horrible situation, this terrible apartment scene.  I can be free of it.  It will only improve me.  It will only make me better.  Everything.  The discipline.  What style of punishment.  You were looking into.  Certain types of punishment / discipline.  That certain doctors, who know your dad, might be aware of.  What you could consider.  How you could figure.  I guess.  I don't know – not really.  This is what I have to do.  What I ~want to do.  ~Want to know repeatedly what it's like to go crazy.  ~Want to explode onto the scene.  In the end.  If you look at which version you're running.  Which exact version.  I guess.  I don't know, not really.

When I suppose.  When I figure.  Different things.  If I were to suppose.  Better to be slugged out, than in flashback.   The PRN medication, the anti-psychotic, seems to be working.  It seems to have the desired effect.  I started taking it at the same time every night – nine or nine-thirty.  I then realized that even if I was in a full flashback, taking my evening meds would work to relax me and cure the flashback.  Which makes me think that Zyprexa can be used as an anti-psychotic.  Taken when needed.  It's not good just to automatically take it at night, every day.  This is what happens.  This is what you'd figure. 

If you were to figure.  Consider.  I guess.  I don't know – not really.  When I have things to write.  When I'm able to treat my disease / disorder.  Even if it does tire me out a bit.  That would be what I'm thinking.  What I'm supposing.  At this moment.  Certain channels?  How crazy would that seem – if you decided to be a “certain type of channel”?  How bad can it be?  It can be pretty bad.  Depending what points you were looking into.  Doing.  What you were thinking of doing.  Time.  The time you were looking at.  If this.  Alpha-mode pressure. 

How could they have kept quiet for so long?  That would take a lot of mode control... If gamma pressure, layer-three pressure, were impinging on your consciousness.  Then, I would think you'd get a kick out of returning to alpha / beta layers.  If you were able to.  As you were to exist.  Things.  I guess.  I don't ~really know..  I just suppose.  What you do, what you consider.  How interesting is a flashback condition?  To certain people?  Why the word “certain”?  Because your mom said it? 

Is that what – sense inside your head – slave language – under control, under the influence.  Under the influence of voices in your head?  Which you were always looking into?  Isn't that how everyone would feel?  Being brought up?  Or just ~certain people..?  Maybe normal people feel normal.  If you have anything “special” going on.  As Thorsand would say it.  A lot of this relates to Thorsand's pronunciation.  Smart kid.  What you would have had to have been looking into.  I guess.  I don't know.  Like the worst kisser, ever.  This is what happens.  What you'd suppose.  In five classes with Gillian Kapua.  Which gave me enough of an edge.  To go out with her.  To, in a sense, fuck her. 

“They played me the tape.”  “You can talk to me now – I'm on meds, I'm recovering..”  Things that Lucas might consider.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Books.  This “big”...  If you were going to open the discussion up.  For the people.  So the people can speak freely..  That was your project.  Freedom for the free.  I thought that might help someone.  To sacrifice yourself, though... Is that really necessary?  To “fall”?  Maybe it will be better, now that you're “flying”..  As you'd consider.  I guess.  I don't know.  I just suppose. 

As it would go.  If you.  As you.  As you were to write.  Things we have going on.  I guess.  I could read about it..?  Would you want to read about it?  “It”?  What is “it”? 

This is what you should be thinking about.  What you should be doing.  If you want to be a writer.  If you want to ~write.  Then.  I would imagine.  What do you want to write about?  A schizophrenic writer?  Or – you already did that.  The “missing books” did that just fine.  Now it's time to write about a ~different kind of writer..  A recovering writing.  It's what I'd imagine.  You to want to talk about.  Write about.  You wouldn't want to perpetually stay in schizophrenia mode.  If you had an option.  An escape, a way out.  I would think you'd take it.

What, when.  Things you do.  ~Everyone is "here" -- you are not unique -- everyone has arrived.  This is what you think.  As you continually battle with insanity.  It’s not just during flashbacks.  It’s pretty much a continual battle.

You might discover that you have an affinity with the commitments and sensibilities of English-speaking philosophers.  Whatever “philosophy” is good for.  Different things.  How we like the argumentation.  Guidelines of what to talk about.  Concepts and judgments to argue about.  If you would get into a grad seminar.  If you would like that kind of experience.  Depending on what type of philosophy you personally are trying to develop.  Contact with other philosophers could be a boon.  This is what happens.  What we consider.  Supported in Pittsburgh.  Alive and functioning locally.  Like a grad student or professor.  Not much income.  Lots of reading and writing time.  How that would go.  Depending on the kind of philosophy you’re developing.  UFP?  Maybe that’s it. 

Maybe it’s what your theory runs to.  You don’t claim to have the truth.  You don’t claim to be “better than”… You just claim to be saying things.  To be doing things.  Delusional.  Warn readers of the potential for delusion in your writing.

What options you'd take.  Certain options?  For a certain condition?  Certain medication – anti-psychotic medication?  Is that what you're taking?  What you seem to be taking?  For a certain psychotic condition?  You won, you want, you one.  Gamma radiation, emanating from your eyes?  Is that what they're “good for”?  Radiation of insane energy?  Is that what you were imagining?  How you'd figure it?  As that would happen..?  How that would happen?  “Happen” – groovy?  Is this groovy to you?  Studying points, of this kind of madness..?  I guess.  I don't know.  Not really.  I don't ~know how the brain functions. 

The strongest point of them all, hasn't even be mentioned..  This is what we do.  “Do” – like it's a drug?  Could you get addicted to energy / clarity / unclarity like this?  This.  What we've come to want to escape.  Certain codes.  Speaking in coded modes.  What mode would you want to be in?  As you, if you.  If you wanted to escape, from your imagination – the works of your imagination?  Is this how your imagination “worked”?  What “work” you “thought you were doing”?  I guess. 

I guess if you just wanted to write about insanity, you could churn out a lot of shit.  Highly evolved shit.  As shit would evolve, over time.  Over seemingly unimaginable lengths of time?  I think some of these writers can imagine.  I think it's imaginable.  To certain kinds of writers.  I would imagine.  As I would imagine.  I've developed a new reading technique.  I only read a page or two at a time, then go back to the menu.  As it would happen.  As you would imagine.  If you would imagine.  Imagine how crazy that might feel?  All the time?  To have people looking for points in your eyes / I's ..?  Is that what you asked people to imagine..?  Yourself?  Certain selves..  Maybe this is what it's “all about”...

What you were claiming to do.  Who you were claiming to be.  The point.  The most powerful point of all?  Is that what you'd define as “the” point?  Could you ~define the point?  Or does it have to merely be given to you?  Can you describe the point?  Can different people have different points?  What was the point of all that time we gave you?  All the time, always.  What was always the point?  Point?  In capitalism, it would be to “make money”..  I don't think this is a purely capitalist system.  At least as it applies to me.  Seems more social.  Seems to care about me as a person, not just for what I can help sell.  Sales don't seem to be the prime modality. 

 


 

 

 

I Was a Brainwashed Child

 

 

The prime point.  If you were to imagine a point.  To what I had been doing.  As it was going.  I guess.  I don't know – I just suppose.  If you were to look into.  Continually.  It must seem continuous.  The view you were getting.  Perspectives.  “I bet you've had a lot of perspectives..”  Said by a feminist?  About porn viewing?  Excessive viewing?  Could be.  Depending what you were to think.  As you were to think.  If you were to.  As you were to.  What we're afraid of. 

Everyone?  Is everyone afraid of me mentioning the strongest point?  What the strongest point could be?  If I were channeling God?  If you were to buy into that belief.  On a periodic basis.  It could seem.  Like certain channels were being opened.  Open channels.  To God.  That may be a “d-lusion.”  A David-illusion.  What we do.  Like an open book.  The kind of clarity.  Or unclarity.  You could have been thinking about.  Getting on some of these points.  As you were thinking of turning them on to certain material.  Gamma material, let's call it..  Voices from the other side. 

You were so keen not to be labeled as gamma.  As certain gamma activity.  Could be seen.  Better tired than flashback.  What you've been looking into.  As you've been looking into it.  Won.  A certain amount of clarity, for yourself.  Reading.  Visions.  Drifting to the left.  “If you look to the right, you die.”  Looking right on into it, you die.  You take your chances, when you die.  Taking chances with your eyes?  Rolling the dice?  “God doesn't play dice with the universe.”  What you've considered.  Why would you listen to gamma activity?  Seemed believable.  A dead end street.  A big DEAD END sign on your street – the best kind of street to grow up on.  Knowing that.  That you're dead, at the end.  Good knowledge to impart to children. 

Reproduction of society?  Would you like to “reproduce that”?  What happened to you?  Or was it unique?  Something like “that” would never happen.  To anyone else?  “That”?  What you were looking into?  You're in a unique kind of trouble.  What you could be in trouble for.  What kind of trouble.  Only trouble is interesting?  What you've been interested in looking into?  Time?  Lengths of time?  How you consider, how you suppose.  Philosophy of mind.  A bad philosophy of mind?  Who is the best philosopher of mind?  Freud?  Is that what you could have been considering – except with Janov?  Thinking Janov had some special sort of access?  Primal access?  Primal with a capital “P”?  Only Janov's clinic.  No other clinic.  Clearly looking into.  Some of Janov's points.  You could be clearly seen to be “looking into”...  The point.  If Janov wasn't God / correct.. 

As clear-cut as Janov sees it?  Are things not so clear?  As he might imagine?  Love?  Is that what we're after?  Love?  A ~need for love?  May become very unhappy, when it's time to react?  Seems true, in a certain extent.  To a certain extent, for certain individuals.  Not always, I don't think.  I don't think Janov's point always reigns.  I could have been looking into a slightly ~different point...

This is what I could have been looking into..  Looking to be “into”..  I guess – I don't know.  Usually.  What would someone usually say, having been shown this?  Type of world?  Do they come in types?  Is that what you were really wondering?  The focus, or lack of focus.  On a given point or points.  What you could forget?  How could you forget?  Letting your eyes drift off-center... Giving in to the gamma activity about not looking to the right. 

What you won.  You-one.  Make one of them “you”...  Make one of them a follower of you.  Where is David leading us?  Tonight?  What is tonight's take on this reaction?  Reaction to this tendency?  Is this what could be happening?  All the time?  Times..  You were “wandering around”, wondering about.  Is this what you could have been wondering about, the whole time?  Wandering “about”..?  Is this what your movements were “about”?  Is that how we should say it.  When someone is like this.  A certain way.  Could you hope for understanding..?  A certain amount of understanding, for your works? 

Is that hope or “dope”?  Are you allowed to have hope?  A certain amount of hope?  Is there any hope for you?  Are you “lost”?  Wandering among unknown points?  Like at VA Tech?  Lost in the “would's”?  People you could have turned on to you.  In some cases, actually did a certain amount of turning on to.  Disconnected, ultimately.  Ultimately, it was a big disconnect.  Should we remember?  Is this like one of the key points, we should remember?  Like?  What's this good for?  Connecting to what?  What kind of neighbors?  Should we be warned about certain kinds of neighbors? 

What you could figure.  As you would consider.  Different things.  Why this type of life has to be possible.  For you, for the world.  Why it ~could be possible.  For you, for the world.  Different things.  As you could be looking at this.  As you’d want to look.  If you always use certain coded language.  Coded modes of control.  What he was controlling.  How you could keep someone’s eyes closed to this.  “I’s” closed – selves “closed”.  Lie to them, in other words.  Do not tell them the truth.  Do not mention the truth.  No use, or mention, of the truth is allowed.  What you could be imagining.  As he would say.  What we would say.  What he would say.  What she might want to say.  Or not to say, as the case may have been.  Writing a book your parents would want to read.  Not always what I was doing.  Looking into..

You have to remember what you've done.  Somehow you have to remember which one you're using.  (When document formats cause a file to go out of synch.)  This is what happens.  What you’d figure.  As you’d figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you do / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’re ~really thinking about. 

This is how it would go.  If anyone connected the dots.  What they would see.  What people might see in your eyes.  As they radiate gamma energy.  One look in my eyes.  At the right time.  And you could tell.  Certain landlords can tell.  What you figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’re really thinking about.  Continually.  If that.  As that.  “You’re dementing yourself.”  To have gamma material online, broadcasted and advertised, for free.  That’s “falling”… Now that you’re “flying”, you can see what the difference is.  Almost.  You almost fell to the bottom of the abyss.  You learned to fly.  Finally.  It took a long time.  What you’d consider.  Suppose.  I guess. 

If I were to write the truth.  To care about the truth.  Abstract.  “The more abstract the text, the more immortal.”  Are you looking at immortality?  A certain amount of it?  In any amount, wouldn’t people care?  If you were immortal by any amount?  What would an abstract of this text say?  Can it be abstracted?  Or isn’t that the right procedure..?  Or do you just not want people to know, what you’ve written about?  Or do you want people to read the text, and not the abstract?  Is this what you’ve figured.? 

Read about the historical details.  This is what people do.  “I don’t think writers design their works to be read by their parents.”  Their ~revolutionary works, at least.  What type of revolution?  I had to revolutionize myself first – and then my world.  What we’d suppose.  What we’d figure.  I guess.  As a writer.  Famous as a writer.  Famous-for-what?  Do you trust the crowd of strangers to be faithful to your subtlety?  ~Do you use subtle arguments?  Or is it kind of obvious, what we’re dealing with, here.  This is how it goes, how you’d figure.

As you would.  Different journeys you could imagine making.  With someone who was crazy.  As that would go.  If you, as you.  Different things.  I guess.  I only suppose – I don’t ~know…

What I do, what I consider.  I guess, I don't know.  Been a few since I wrote (typed).  Not into doing this as much.  More into the craft, editing.   I guess you try different tastes.  Has the music enhanced my taste recently – or is it the layer one?  I don't really know.  I feel like I have an enhanced appreciation.  Very enhanced.  Maybe the flashbacks are starting to pay off.  LSD Primals starting to open up my sensorium.  I guess.  I don't know.  I just suppose.  What you'd do.  What you'd consider.  If you, as you.  Different things I could be doing.  Getting tired of my own voice.

Hollywood “A”.  We always knew he was destined for something special.  Living the dream...  I guess I've fallen out of the habit of saying, “You’re living the dream..”  If you don't write (type) for a few, you really lose your technique.  You lose your voice.  I think you should keep it up.  Even if the craft is the ~ultimate destination.  You should still type.  I guess.

I guess.  What I would suppose. 

What you figure, what you consider.  I guess.  If I’ve come to a realization.  Complex, or not.  Simple, really, when you come right down to it.  The matrix provides you with life.  Gives life.  To be ANM is to be on the side of death.  It’s as simple as that.  But boy, until you find this out, you could be in for some difficult conditions.  Some mind-warping conditions.  What you signed up for.  How that would go.  How you would figure.  If you were to consider.  Philosophy, the Academy, would not want you.  Because you sit around for hours, waiting for Gerd to call.  That is a sign of how deluded and socially backward you are.  Myopic.  Short-sighted.  You can only see this room.  That’s as far as you were looking.  Just to your current room.  That’s as far as your imagination stretched.  If you had opened your eyes to the wide world, you may have discovered things were going ~slightly differently than described by your ANM theory.  For instance, ~you.  The phenomenon of DCB.  Alive and free in the world, having contributed nothing to society.  In a sense, having been a ~drain on society, to this point.  As of yet.  A negative factor.  Still, supported and given freedom.  Amazing.  What you’d consider.  How you’d suppose. 


 

 

 

Where You’ll Start is Where You’ll End

 

 

Each editing decision, each filter you place on the text, improves it.  Everyone has arrived, everyone is here.  You would not be the only one who is “here”… If the game were real, everyone else is here also.  Life is not a “test”… It is more like an experiment.  Test has academic implications.  It’s not a game either.  Although philosophy is like a game, although not like a game of chess.  The guidelines and rules allow for much more complex and beautiful patterns to emerge.  The guidelines are there so people with certain sophistication levels can be filtered, and organized into groups.  Without the guidelines, it would just be an angry crowd.  You have to organize, to filter, to select.  That is what philosophy is for.  Ultimately ~not for “text”… More for the ~society, the ~culture, the human organization.  To allow people with similar mindsets to find each other.

What you do, what you consider.  I guess -- I don't know -- not really.  Things that you'd have to have going on.  I am just a beginner.  The game I am capable of playing.  The position I want to take.  What name I choose for my problems.  This is what happens.  This is writing, this is life.  Guidelines exist for a purpose.  They enable people with similar sensibilities to find each other.  That is what the Academy is basically a system of.  It’s a system of human organization, like society is.  People want to find like-minded partners.  It would be an angry crowd, storming the gates, without organization.  People seek to organize themselves into patterns and groups.  It enables conversations to take on increased sophistication.  Philosophy is a game of sorts.  It has, not rules, but guidelines.  They seek to encourage people to formulate ideas at their maximum personal sophistication level.  To enable people to live up to their potential.  I don’t think I’ve done it, yet.  Gamma material was eroding my truth structure, eating away at my psychiatric stability.  Now that I’ve decided to move beyond that, into “mode” thinking, I at least have a chance at playing the game. 

As you'd go, as you'd figure.  Why this particular fantasy?  Different triggering terms.  A certain brother’s name.  How that would go.  Losing battle.  Safety mechanism.  It’s set up.  So anyone seeking to destroy the System will be stopped.  Flashbacks are a safety mechanism.  The Normative Matrix is ~that powerful.  You can’t go against it – if you do, be ready for some trouble.  This is what happens.  If you’re nervous about the next flashback.  Even if it’s not happening now.  You look forward to it.  I thought you were through with them?  Maybe.  We’ll see.  With my new philosophy.  NM.  On the side of the System.  Wanting victory, wealth.  Wanting the best for America and Americans.  What we’d do. 

What we’d consider.  Tic’s, automatic thinking.  I guess it’s valuable.  If it’s what you choose to write.  Why complain?  Why not simply write your tic’s?  Why the negativity?  This is what happens.  What we suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Is Adorno my favorite anymore?  Difficult, German.  Unorganized.  Stream of consciousness.  I should be into that.  I would think you’re into that.  Translations that can’t be trusted.  The speaking of language, of English.  Can’t really believe these people know English as well as the best philosophers.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  If you were to, as you were to.

Different things.  As you'd have, going on.  If you'd have.  Listening to music.  Drinking coffee.  Up from an afternoon nap.  Unbelievable amount of down time, in my life.  What my life has had to deal with.  What I have to deal with.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I need to find people with similar sensibilities.  I need to know ~what my sense is.  What exactly am I into, what am I all about?  Not about the Five.  At least I know that.  The Five were sadly, sadly mistaken.  Now this new thing I’m writing will be my first decent book.  Gotta have decency.  What you’d consider, what you’d figure. 

If you were to, as you were to.  Unless you have something “special” going on.  ANM philosophy?  ANM speech acts?  That’s probably special.  Considered special.  What you do.  If you were to.  In there, and so forth.  How that would go.  If you have the ultimate analysis.  Then.  What do you really think about?  Upcoming SI, upcoming flashbacks.  The move.  Women you recently avoided.  These are some of the things.  What do you have ~now to think about?  How I’m going to spend the next six hours, before bedtime.  What that’s going to be like.  It stopped raining – could go for a walk.  Could / should.  Distinctions, that everyone would be making, all the time. 

God?  Looking in on your little life?  Giving you occasional signs?  What are the signs for?  To reassure you.  No, you are not alone.  The Matrix is not out to get you.  It would be ~your Matrix, in a sense, if what you’ve been believing is true.  Why would you want to destroy your own Matrix?  Doesn’t make sense.  That’s why you were so mixed up.  Could be why.  ANM, you’re basically at war with yourself, your world.  For no reason.  For a myopic philosophy.  Only this room is visible.  Peering out the window.  Life reduced to a room.  Some of the stuff Janov was talking about.  Needing love, in critical times.  What you defined as “love”, you didn’t seem to get.  Help with surgery.  Until you asked.  You had to ask for it.  Believe it, or not.  Hard to believe.  That’s what it actually took.  I know it’s hard to conceive.  What did you think would “do the trick”?  What did you think that would look like?  Or weren’t you really thinking about it?  Or, it being ~all you were thinking about.  Didn’t have a clear picture.  Explosion.  You were afraid they would explode, if you asked.  Is that really what you were afraid of?  What were you afraid of?  Revealing your secret?  But they already, always, knew.  Wasn’t clear about that.  It wasn’t really a secret, to them.  They already knew. 

Are you living this now, or reliving it?  What you’d have to consider / suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  Not really.  Not in the ultimate analysis.  Depending what you have going on.  The night is the highest good.  Tarry with the negative.  Look the negative straight on, in the face, and live and survive it.  I’ve dealt with a lot of ~negativity.  That could be one of my strengths.  On a job application.  Almost insane levels of negativity.  And I survived, I prospered.  It might not get that bad again.  I might have already seen the worst.  This is how that would go.  The worst might be over.  ANM might be over.  It’s a philosophical question.  Are viruses alive?  Are these living beings, we’re up against?  Are you anti-Normative-Matrix?  Why?  Why would anyone be against the NM?  It’s what we grow out of.  You’d really have to be into chaos and anarchy.  Or think you were into those things.  Pretend or falsely believe.

As you might think.  Vocal sounds, singing.  Scat.  Things I have going on.  What DCB could be thinking.  As he were to write UFP.  If he were to write that.  If that can be written.  I think it can.  You just have to be willing to “put yourself out there”…  Whether you follow the guidelines is a further question.  I think you ~should follow the guidelines.  Assuming an ANM position pretty much rules out conversation in a normal space. 

It feels better to cook your own food.  Just a suggestion.  Just something you might want to think about.  Before you order the next meal.  What you have going on.  How loudly you listen to German radio.  What that would signify.  How ~closely you get to the language.  You would get to the language.  If you had to.  I’m not ~sure knowing languages would help you write better philosophy in English.  I suppose knowledge can’t hurt.  No matter what it is knowledge of. 

What you consider, how you figure..  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  Seems like you messed up.  You made a mistake.  Damaged goods.  There’s no such thing.  What you consider that you said in groups.  What kind of “role” you were playing.  What kinds of roles are available.  “What do you do?”  “I’m a schizophrenic.”  Is that what you should answer?  Maybe delay that realization for her, for a minute.  Maybe don’t come right out with it.  Name, major, origin, number.  What you’d be doing, meeting women out in the world.  As that would go, as you would figure.  I guess. 

I don’t know – I just suppose.  I guess.  Not really.  That’s not really what happens.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things you could have told Todd.  I go to the Pitt library also.  Not just the clinic.  What you consider / figure.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would happen.  Cooking a pizza.  What else could be going on.  In your life.  However far into it, you had looked.  Everyone has come “this far” / thus far, into it.  That’s what just about ~everyone would be feeling.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How that would happen.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would go, as you would figure.  Things.  You looked into.  You looked to be into.  As that would happen.  As you would happen.  What you’d do, what you’d consider. 

Relying on the computer, for a lot of your happiness.  I don’t know how smart that is.  Really, if the computer were to crash… What would you do?  You’d have some accounting to do.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose. 

What you do.  I guess.  Thinking of.  What you were thinking of.  To make it this far.  In your imagination.  What you were doing / saying, in your imagination.  Or in reality, to certain clinicians.  Is that something you actually confessed to?  To actual clinicians?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you do, what you consider.  If you were going to tell the med students everything.  Reveal the true dimensions of the story.  If you wanted to do that.  Next time, maybe.  Maybe better think about next time.  Different things. 

“You’ll be a good spokesperson.”  As I would consider, as I would figure.  Things.  Almost like.  It’s almost like.  Exactly like.  You wouldn’t want everyone looking at this, all the time.  Or ~would you?  What’s the real analysis?  Do you ~want to go crazy again?  Repeatedly?  For the primal experience of it?  I guess it’s what you get.  This time.  It’s okay to be negative.  If you have nothing positive to say on the issue.  Negativity is part of life.  It is, indeed, most of what clinicians have to deal with.  This is what I do, what I consider.  If.  As.  Is.  Things you could have been wandering wondering about.  The whole time.  If you had told certain family members, the whole time.  How long this might last.  For you.  How long a flashback might seem to take.  LSD?  That takes a ~very long time, subjectively.  If you wanted to “relive” ~that… You’d be down for some intensity.  You’d have signed up for some intensity.

As that would go.  As you might consider.  If you were to "learn" a foreign language.  "Learn" can have multiple senses..  Grow familiar with.  More familiar, over time.  Why would you want to do that.  To enable you to realize some things, about your native language.  If you have no other language to compare it to.  Then you might not appreciate some things, about language and philosophy.  It’s good to “learn”… I would want to have to ~learn, to actually know… This is what I consider, what I figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Things that could be happening.  In DCB’s world.  “How followly you were closing me.”  How closely you were following.  Would depend.  On what they could see, in your eyes.  If they had looked as closely as possible.  Into your selves.  Into what your selves were doing. 

LSD?  Help me to set my watch, while you’re tripping on LSD?  Different trips, you might recommend, or not, people to take.  Certain types of warning.  About the addictive nature of drugs.  I guess I didn’t believe “addiction” would be so bad.  Does it sound good?  To be drug-addicted, and alcoholic?  I guess not.  I guess after I’ve clearly considered.  Then.  I tend to think.  Is this what you’d usually say?  Asking for an excuse, about why he cut you off for three days?  Excuse me.  Please, excuse my conduct.  The Americans are good with rephrasing language into closely related forms.  How doing that could help one to get clear about what one was thinking.  If you were to read philosophy written in native forms.  If you were able to do that.  If you desired to do that.  Instead of reading so many translations.  Of questionable quality. 

Probably high.  Probably.  Not definitely.  How that would go.  If you were to.  As such.  Such as.  What you could have been looking into / doing.  I don’t know why I put a “/” there.  Seemed right.  At the time.  I guess that’s an excuse – “Seemed right at the time.”  Seemed like the right thing to do.  I had my reasons.  Must have been very good reasons, to break rules so powerful.  I must have had my reasons.  I wanted to look into certain points.  Such as. 

What we could be in the midst of observing.  An explosion?  Explosive force of insanity?  Or sanity.  What force will your ~sanity have?  If your insanity is that explosive?  What shall we expect from your sanity?  Hopefully good.  The “nice” type of explosion.  If that’s possible.  If that could be possible.  Here.  What we were looking into, that whole time.  What we had always been looking into.  Suddenly it would make sense.  Too much sense, perhaps.  If you could get tired of this.

As it would happen.  Again.  Tripping.  Rolling.  As closely as possible.  The place, the character of the place.  What it would see.  If it could see into your head.  The things you've seen.  This is what happens.  I guess I forgot how bad addiction really is.  That’s why I relapsed, after six years.  This time, I’m going to Double Trouble – trying not to forget about addiction.  I’m going for the lifetime achievement award.  This is what happens.  Such as, as such.  If you’ve mentioned it.  You’ve let certain people know.  You’ve let us know.  A bit of how this could be like.  What is it like.  To be you.  Having looked, off-balance.  A split.  Neurotic versus real?  Or simply different modalities of the self.  Different selves.  A self is what it remembers.  So different memories – different selves.  This is how that would go. 

If you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you’d do, what you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  You’re in for it, now.  Caught.  Day video.  Caught on tape.  If we had a camcorder, for that.  Self-surgery.  I was able to cut about a centimeter, but too much blood started happening, and it looked like a bad idea to go further.  I guess.  What I did.  What I looked into.  As that would go.  As you would have it.  Different things.  Books.  I’ve written the Five.  People were into them, in a way.  In some sense, people were somewhat into them.  What I describe.  What I’ll have to describe.  What I’ll have to say, do, think.  I guess.  Different ways of saying the same thing.  What you could consider.

What you do.  What you consider.  If you care about the things people write (on Slashdot)..  Then, you would ~read them.  I guess you really don’t care, what peeps write.  What “writers” write.  You only care about ~authors.  Only about the most substantial efforts.  Only about the profound, the powerful, the intense, the interesting.  Maybe a forum like Slashdot is ~impossible to be profound in.  This is what happens.  How you’d create.  How you’d suppose. 

If you were going to listen to ~some jazz.  If that’s what you would do, sometimes.  For some of these times.  This far, thus far.  Who would say that?  But someone who believed it?  So what if it’s true..?  Dreams of writing.  The best dreams.  And now you can do it.  When waking.  You can write.  You can even write some amazing stuff.  When waking.  Not just in dreams.  What you’d have to look into.  How you’d have to suppose. 

Jazz music trying to recreate what’s gone before.  Great music is kind of like that, although it uses more skill and virtuosity.  As far as being a writer?  What would that be like?  What would you consider that to be like?  If you were going to do it.  The purest of the pure.  Some people can see seven point type at fourteen feet.  People whose vision is that good.  What can they see, into your life?  About you?  What can people tell about DCB?  I don’t think anything, really.  They can just see him. 

I don't know if I do want my time to be “programmed”.  What I consider.  How I figure.  I guess.  Things Fassbinder might show me.  Things I might discover on my own.  If I were to.  As I were to.  Things.  How you would suppose.  What that would look like.  The picture of humanity.  How humanity would look.  If you were shown a realistic picture.  For once, honestly.  What that would show you.  How you might learn.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I don’t know if I do want to go to some programming.  I guess, at least not tonight.  Double Trouble already today.  Brainwashing me into getting back into the program?  Is that what it’s about?  What is it all “about”? 

Primal terms..  “The” is a primal term.  Bairdian primal.  Bairdist.  This is what we consider.  If you were going to relive.  As such, such as.  If you were going to live these times again.  It would be seen.  It would seem.  A split not just in the self – but in ~reality.  As amazing as that seems.  Multiple selves to reality.  What you’d consider, figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Don’t know about the ritual.  The ritual events.  Once a week may be plenty.  Once a week may be enough.  You’re lucky you had it to give to him.  What we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Under the table.  As you were dealing it to him.  Dealing him his two bucks.  That’s eight per month.  Significant, in a way – in another way, not much.  What you could always look into. 

What you must always have been thinking.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would happen.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you’d looked into it.  As far, thus far.  This far.  If the place could see.  What the primal place must know.  Primal, what that could mean.  I guess.  Different things.  The women / girls you lost.  All the chances you lost.  You didn’t just deprive yourself of them – you deprived them of you.  Although that’s not really true.  No one is dependent on a chance they didn’t get.  Everyone can hook up, if they really want to.  You’re not responsible for those women / girls.  They lived their lives, they had plenty of chances – just not with you.  You’re the missing piece of the puzzle.  What part of this picture don’t you get?  How would you figure, how would you consider?  I guess, I don’t know.  How it would seem.  How you would consider.  If you wanted to assert your reality, to posit your argument, to prove your theorem.  Then, you would have to… You would want to.

What you'd consider.  I guess -- I don't know.  The ability to ~write..!  Think about it..!  It is like in your dreams.  Except you’re awake.  You can control your mind / language.  You can write whatever you want.  It doesn’t have to be coded.  It doesn’t have to be true.  This is what you do.  Sometimes.  When you think of it.  In your imagination, or in reality?  Is that how it would go?  What you’d have to consider?  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Would a spirit want to be channeled by you?  See what you see, feel what you feel?  Would any spirit be down for that?  What you’d consider.  Why is this happening to me?  LSD poisoning?  Bairdian primals?  I guess that might be it.  If you’re going to primal when you’re psychotic.  What that would do to you.  To “fall” when you’re completely insane.  What that might set up.  The conditions that might set up.  The load of pain you have.  Unconscious, primal pain.  That becomes active in a flashback.  Maybe you’re reliving going crazy.  Maybe that is your primal reality / scene – going crazy.  Maybe it’s valuable enough to relive.  This is what you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose. 

What you consider / figure.  The type of thing.  If you could have sex with yourself.  Would you be attracted to yourself?  Fat and ugly?  Maybe that’s a key realization.  You wouldn’t want to have sex with yourself – so why would you ask a woman to?  Maybe a woman would be into your type of man.  Maybe that’s why you’d find a woman.  This is what happens.  What we consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Think about talking before you think about intercourse.  You’ll have to talk to her first.  Do you need sex?  Is that a need any longer? 

Love?  What about ~love?  Do you believe in that?  Do you need that?  What would that add to your life?  A lot, probably.  It’s unimaginable.  It’s almost beyond comprehension.  You almost can’t conceive of love – that’s what love is.  Something you have to ~have, to know.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Philosophy is a language game.  As it’s played by American philosophers.  It’s a game whose purpose is to organize its participants into groups of like-minded individuals.  You want to find like-minded individuals.  In a crowd, this is impossible.  You have to use a language game.

I'm not really interested in playing guitar.  It's not even an instrument (voice) I'm really into, anymore.  Textual / philosophical problems.  It’s ~not “visual”, what you “did”… It’s textual and maybe cinematic.  If you didn’t realize that.  If you realize that ultimately what we’re talking about is a ~textual phenomenon.  Your mind.  It’s not really “verbal”.  Voices don’t matter, so much.  As much as ~text.

 


 

 

 

 

Sugar-mind

 

 

Asshole tuning.  What could be the case.  Your "doings", while visual and cinematic, were primarily textual.  But the books are.  That is why your intervention has to be ~textual.  Your intervention into your own thinking.  I don’t think anything could have gone differently.  You ~had to have those flashbacks, those misunderstandings.  Only through ~them did you learn the ultimate truth.  Stored in the brain, language is more like ~text than speech.  Speech is temporal, but all truth is stored at once.  It does not have to unfold like a recording.  There are multiple text expressions.  Multiple texts.  Maybe that is what you are thinking of.  Don’t you like this?  The detail / colorfulness?  I thought you’d like it.  To be here.  To be this primal.  Bairdian primal.  This is what we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.

What it goes.  As it does.  What we can defend in Hegel’s writing.  Too positive?  Too convoluted?  I don’t know – I just suppose.  This is what I’m doing.  The Pitt philosophers are good.  Are they talking about the country, about the environment?  Maybe not.  Maybe this is not why we turn to philosophy.  Philosophy is the highest, most sophisticated elaboration of the conceptual.  It’s going to be a bit abstract, a bit complex.  That’s what it’s for.  If you want UFP, then you turn to UFP.  Some people will indeed turn to me.  They can’t all read the Pitt philosophers.  Maybe they are for ~me to read.  So then I can in turn write whatever I want.  Whatever I’m capable of inventing.  This is how it goes.  How you’d figure.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we’d do, what we’d suppose.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider. 

This is how it goes.  You learn all sorts of things.  You keep learning.  It doesn't stop.  It never stops.  If you were going to accomplish something, would you have done it by now?  I don't think so.  It could take a ~very long time.  To accomplish something.  If it were easy, you would have already done it.  Everyone else would have also.  It must not be easy.  To accomplish something philosophically.  The subject's most intimate object is language.  Easy enough to realize, maybe.  But a beginning.  A beginning of my philosophy. 

I'm ignoring Ziporyn.  Reading him then ignoring him.  I don't need Buddhism.  I have my own truth and my own sources.  Adorno is a better source.  People learned things, over the last few hundred years.  We've made progress.  It hasn't been fixed since the Middle Ages.  We have progressed.  I'm not entirely sure.  I don't know what I'm in for.  I guess for some kind of ride.  Trips are cool.  One looks forward to trips.  They're not to be feared.  Unless you have UFP online, I guess.  Then, just about ~anything can be feared.  UFP online is a recipe for stress and anxiety.  What we figure, consider.  I guess.  I don't know – I just suppose.  How it goes.  How you consider.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  What have you learned?  How did ~that go?  All that?  Can it be known, can it be contemplated? 

If you did change the world.  If you were able to accomplish revolution.  What kind of revolution would it be?   You've given them the texts.  Literally ~given it to them.  What more can you do, as a writer?  If they won't listen?  Not your fault.  Nothing you can do about it.  If humans aren't ready for your truth.  Yet.  I think one day, they will be.  They will hunger for material like that.  Maybe not now.  Not yet.  I would think there would be a certain hunger.  Eventually.  In the world.  With the world.  Being what it is.  A strange world.  How strange are they willing to go?  We'll see.

As, if.  Things you have going on.  If you were to turn to ~text.  What that would mean.  If you had done your homework.  If you had done ~all your homework, what would have happened to the research and experimentation?  This is what happens.  What you suppose.  Consider.  Such a cute little pup.  What we figure.  Textually, what you could have going on.  Alternate texts in the mind.  The dynamism of self-evolution.  The split.  If there were only one self, one text, where would the dynamic be?  What you consider, figure.  I guess.

If you consider, figure.  Text.  The term can be used a bit repetitively.  The usage of the term gets a bit repetitious.  Maybe will force you to new composition.  To new readings.  If you keep monotonously repeating that term.  It's a ~concept, don't forget.  You don't have to use the "term" -- as long as you use the concept.  You can adjust your activity.  I don’t know why that’s happening.  Why it’s fucking me over like that.  I guess it will do that to you.  To one.  If one decided to write radical works.  Push the limits as far as humanly possible.  Then.  Then one’s word processing program might fuck with one.  If you consider, if you figure.  Different things.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.

As it would happen.  What you do.  Hopeless, down, depressed.  Glum, numb.  Different things.  You could have been thinking about.  The whole time.  Text, the concept of it.  What you could consider.  How you could figure.  If you wanted to.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would happen.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  You’d almost have to figure / consider.  If you were going to.  Writing.  Bob Marley.  That took a lot of soul.  For that to happen.  As you would consider.  As you would suppose. 

You reach a point.  You don't need to read any of them.  Fiction, philosophy.  It's all the same.  All “pap”, as I used to say – pulpy crap.  This is what I do.  What I consider.  I guess.  I shouldn't stop typing.  Even if I'm crafting writing.  Should always keep up the typing.  You get better at it if you constantly do it.  You get real rusty real quick, if you stop doing it.  This is how I consider.  How I figure.  If I were to.  As I were to.  Just because you don't value journal, doesn't mean you shouldn't write journal.  You're just a poor schmuck like the rest of them.  You have no way of gaining anything in the world.  You were allowed to ~write.  Perhaps that much can be said of you.  You chose to write.  When other career paths opened up, briefly, you always turned back to writing.  No matter how hard it's supposed to be.  Or, it actually is.  The hardest thing a human being can do.  Imagine that..!  If that were actually true..!  Maybe though it's also the most ~rewarding thing..  That's what I consider.

As this would go.  As it would actually go.  You're writing, now, not so much to create a needed text.  Rather, your writing itself is the thing in question – the act.  You need to keep your act fluid and articulate.  It's what you've decided to do – writing.  Obsessively re-reading journals.  That's what Lucas said.  You've done a bit of that.  Over the years.  As to what it's done for you?  Maybe nothing – or maybe a great deal.  That's what we think.  What we discover.  If we were to.  As we were to.  Things.  You could.  Beta material?  What is a tic – if not Beta?  Maybe it's a special kind of alpha.  You're in control of it.  In there, and so forth.  It's not just “happening”... You decide to do it.  Obviously, it might be nice to be able to write without ever ticking.  As far as if that's possible?  Hard to say. 

You seem to have reached a breakthrough point.  You seem to have been able to perceive the full clarity and detail, without the flashback gamma activity.  Colorfulness, detail – the richness of life in the now.  But without the insanity.  This is what I figure.  What I suppose.  I needed the Mode Thinking Schema.  I needed a model that detailed, in order for me to fully achieve mode thinking during a flashback.  Without the schema, there was too much confusion, too much uncertainty.  The gamma material is too seductive, unless you're really ready for it.  Then you can manage.  Then you can create.  I think.  I don't necessarily know for sure.

And this is what you do – continue to write.  Even if it’s not the goal.  More text is not the goal -- ~better text is.  Editing / craft.  But there’s time.  You have time.  You’re not on the street yet.  There might be time to write / make another book.  If you figure.  As you figure.  Insane-seeming word associations / substitutions.  Might not have been helping your sanity.  If you associate “mode” with “code”, if you associate “exactly” with “God”… I think if you think in an insane fashion, you might indeed go insane.  What some people would hope for.  As a writer, as a thinker.  If you were able to have the choice.  Crazy or sane…

Or crazy just sometimes.  That might be key.  It might be wonderful.  To ~really get a glimpse of psychosis.  Like almost no one else has.  No one else is complaining about flashbacks.  I seem to be the only one.  I could be unique.  For some reason.  A singularity.  A philosophical singularity.  After what I did to my mind.  My brain, and my mind.  The sensitivity to language.  The immersion in language.  The books I read.  The books I wrote.

What you’re threatening.  Suicide.  How would that improve things?  Or a threat – how would that improve things?  The hospital, losing your apartment.  How could that be good?  Don’t you keep wanting to push through?  Wouldn’t it be better to push on through?  Put up with the discomfort.  Though maybe you don’t have to go on a plane ride.  Maybe you don’t want to do that.  I feel like I’d have a flashback.  That’s how things have been going.  Do I care about Matty’s wedding?  I haven’t talked to the guy in years.  What I could consider.  How I could figure.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How that would go.  Haven’t talked to the guy in years.  Don’t really want to fly.  Put myself on an airplane.  What you could have going on. 

Sorry, doesn’t help.  Your “text” method has no effect.  You were looking forward to another flashback, so you could test your new method.  Sorry, doesn’t work.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What this could be a sign of.  Certain women’s interest in you.  At certain points.  If you fail to respond to signals.  Stop or Go signals.  If you don’t think you can make an adequate response.  “We didn’t get here a minute too early.”  This is how it would go.  Randoms, interested in you.  The shuffle.  Have all the shuffles been played?  Not yet.  How enjoyable that could be.  To respond to a random.  What you figure, suppose.  I guess.  Pretty hopeless.  In the ultimate analysis.  As it would happen.  As you would consider.  Things.

As it would happen.  You could have some interest, some energy – just take the earbuds out.  Instead of cancelling the ambient environment.  This is what happens.  If you were able to.  As you were able to.  As far as you’d consider.  As far as you’d suppose.  Time for bed?  Already – before nine.?  Maybe stay up a bit longer.  If we suppose.  Could see some humor in the “point”..  Certain points.  If it went down here.  This is a place, where it went down.  If you were wondering. 

Mentioned to certain clinicians.  What you can mention, have mentioned.  “Web-sight.”  Problems.  The technical name for it.  Exactly what we’ve noticed.  If you are seen to be.  Seem to be.  Certain people might notice.  Points like this.  Really?  Right?  I’ve babbled away babbling.  I appreciate your babbling.  Something I didn’t say.  Not really.  Not entirely.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What you’d be considering.  What you’d be supposing.

As it were, as you would.  ~Writing..  This is what happens.  If you were to.  Different things.  As that would happen.  Dreams.  What do you dream about, David?  Things happening.  In there, and so forth.  Pretty dry on the inspiration tip.  Not much happening in my brain.  My brain logic, brain language.  What would be happening.  With me.  Ultimately.  Are you worried about moving?  I hope I’ll be ~able to move.  I hope it will happen.  I don’t want to live at home (Fernwood).  I like being on my own.  If I had the choice.  I would live in my own apartment.  In the city.  Visit my parents on the weekend.  If I were going to.  As I were going to.  What wording like that would mean.  If you were going to word things like that.  If that’s clearly present on her website. 

Keep mentioning.  A theme.  To certain doctors.  Certain people might know.  What you’d have to.  Couldn’t respond to interest like that.  From a real woman, in a real situation.  Not able.  Not yet.  Maybe later.  Maybe in some world.  If I’m not having a flashback?  Can I count on that happening at the right time?  This is what I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things you’d have to consider.  I’m not sure I do want to fly across the country.  Anatole wants me to go.  Matty wants me to go.  I’m not sure ~I want to.  If I had a flashback on the plane.  How fun that would be.  In the airport.  And so forth.  In there.  It’s not enjoyable.  “I’ll go.”  Why?  Why go to Chipotle, in the middle of a flashback?  You thought you could deal with it, with your new technique of pretending your tongue was still connected, not fixed.  That seemed to be helpful.  At least sitting in meditation.  Not up and about.  Too difficult to maintain that attitude.

As you would do it.  If you were to.  This is how it would go.  Almost exactly.  Nothing seems to work out for me – none of my “solutions” turn out to be real solutions.  Things not going very smoothly.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d consider.  The Five.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just suppose.  Modalities of writing.  (Journal, chat, translate.)  It’s good to get a taste of the modalities.  What we consider.  If you were to.  Thinking of doing something with women?  Not really – that’s not ~really what I’m thinking about.  As you would figure / consider.  I guess.  What ~are you thinking about?  The Five?  Your plans for world fame?  The nice kind of explosion is an explosion of laughter.  What you could be triggering.  As that would go.  As you would figure / consider.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

As you would suppose.  Different things.  Multi-modality writing / life.  Experimenting with all three modalities.  Doing it.  Talking to the people.  Chat.  What the world is into.  What the world has to offer.  What the possibilities of the world are.  Reality, the totality.  Philosophy is a language struggle.  It’s a meritocracy.  The best rise to the top.  The powerful are heavily influenced by journalists, the fourth estate.  Philosophers select their peers.  Influence is the amount of citations a thinker’s work gets in the literature.  There is always room at the top.  I found myself saying… What we consider. 

If you allow your tic’s to function.  Throwing away garbage books.  Not even worth donating or selling.  That’s how low of an opinion I had of some of this stuff.  I guess.  Maybe impulsive.  Neurotic.  Psychotic?  I guess I do have some crazy still in me.  An amount.  I can’t help the flashbacks.  I’m going to feel crazy on a regular basis.  In a regular manner, I get insane a lot.  They can’t explain it.  They claim I’m the only one.  If that’s true, then why is it happening to me?  Why me?  What did I do?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Textual?  What I’ve written?  I don’t think that could do it.  Destabilize me.  Having radical stuff online, all the time?  Maybe – I guess it’s possible.  What you were supposing.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I don’t have a lot of sophisticated language going on.  Not compared to some people.  I am pretty bland.  Pretty dull.  What I consider, how I suppose.  If I were to, as I were to.  In there, and so forth.  What you have going on.  I guess. 

See, I think that would be the thing.  If you were going to write.  Then.  What would happen.  What you could consider, as you were going to write.  Whether it be tic's, or original information (future tic’s)..  This is what you do, what you consider.  This is what happens.  A disturbed child.  Childhood is difficult for lots of people.  Although some get rosy tinted glasses.  This is what happens.  As you write.  As you were to write.  You’d think the truth could just flow out of you.  Like in a dream – although dreams can be difficult.  There is often a struggle situation, in dream.  Things are not going smoothly, in some respect.  Kind of like a flashback.  You’d think it would be enjoyable – to trip and be crazy.  It doesn’t work out like that.  Text doesn’t help.  The idea of text.  That your problem is textual, your solution is textual.  No help at all.  I guess I’m back at square zero.  No progress.  No help.  No ability to deal with them.  What you consider.  As you’d suppose.

This could be an original text.  What I could be turning to.  If I were to learn German.  As the things I write become more complex.  That was the strategy I was using.  Automatically generate reams of text.  Publish them as books, with little editing.  This is what happens.  What you’d need to sell.  Would that sell?  That kind of strategy?  I’m not ~against the Five – I just no longer stand behind them.  They could trigger someone.  I’m more interested, now, in sane decent material.  Material I could be proud of, as a writer.  That I wouldn’t have to be secretive about.  This is what I’m interested in.  Believe it, or not.  What you’d consider.  If your grandfather had crossed the Atlantic in a small sailboat.  This is how that would go.  Almost exactly.  What we consider, how we figure. 

If your mom were half Danish, half Norwegian.  What that would make you.  A Viking.  This is how it goes.  What we consider.  What we figure.  I guess.  If I were to automatically pound out reams of perverse text, and post it online.  How that would make me feel.  How that might make me feel.  What you consider / figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you do, consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we have going on.  If we were to look into the matter.  How closely.  Then.  It would seem.  Depending on what secrets you’re revealing.  Lately.  No plan for today.  Just going to see how it goes.  What you consider.  “You were raped.”  What do you do, when that happens?  Kill yourself?  It’s not ~suicidal pressure.  I’ve felt suicidal pressure before.  That’s pretty bad.  This is ~primal pressure.  Like tripping, like acid.  I’m not suicidal.  Though I do get tempted for an adventure to the bar.  Drinking.  Probably drugs, eventually.  Though with my “condition”, it would be idiotic to do drugs.  I’m already this fucked up.  The pressure would get unbearable.  There isn’t anything a drink wouldn’t make worse.  What you learn from Double Trouble.  Seeing Ron in Oakland, him wanting to hug.  You refusing, and shaking his hand.  What we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things I could be thinking of.  If I wanted to follow.  Where the pressure was leading.  All the pressure on my eyes.  On what my eyes have seen

What we’ve looked into.  As we’ve considered.  Figured.  What you’d have going on.  If you were to, as you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like you can’t do anything about it.  Scanning.  What they should be scanning for.  Reading for.  Supposed to be reading.  Supposed to be having fun.  Isn’t this fun?  Tripping?  I thought you ~wanted to trip – hard.  That’s what I thought.  I thought that’s what you signed up for. 

You could be getting into some different points.  Seeing Shadyside.  Seeing the real deal, the opulence.  What you want to be a part of.  Property.  What you want to be able to acquire.  Your writing.  The enhancement of your writing.  The extreme enhancement it would take.  To sell books.  To sell enough books to let you live in Shadyside.  What that would take.  What seems to be happening.  As of yet.  Now.  In other words.  What you were thinking of doing. 

It ~is amazing.  What people are turning on to.  A quick scan of Facebook will show you that.  The level people are on.  Not a very "high" level.  They want instant gossip.  It's like the tabloids.  That's the mentality they have.  Philosophy?  I don't think so.  Not wanted, not sought after.  What you do, what you consider.  If you were going to be successful in this world.  Then you’d have to adjust your approach.  To the “level” the people are on.  If you want to succeed.  Then, I would think.  I would just imagine.  If you’re able to partake of that energy.  If you’re able to play on that level.  Then you might want to.  You just might want to consider.  Can’t use any “big” words.  Have to be as simple as possible.  As direct as possible.  No more indirection.  This is what you’re down for.  If you want something “people” can relate to.  Then.  I would just imagine.

Maybe you have to go with it.  God.  If you realized you were God – then changed your mind.  How difficult that would be.  If you were god, and denied it to yourself.  Maybe ~that’s why flashbacks are difficult.  Primal energy, focused on your eyes.  All the primal energy, focused down on two points.  You won a kind of Primal competition.  This is what happens.  What we suppose.  What we consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  If I admit I’m God, will that make the flashbacks nice?  This was the insanity, the coping strategy, I used in the past.  Solipsism.  Or at least deity.  If you’re trying to deny you’re God.  It might become difficult.  To pretend to be who you’re not. 

This is what I think.  Popular writing.  As powerful as that can get.  No neologisms, no hard words.  You can contain your message in simple words.  You don’t need complex expressions.  You have nothing complex to express.  You don’t have a lot to say about books, or music.  Not a good Axis-Tone reviewer.  This is what we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

Don’t know.  Not really.  Nothing I can do about it.  God.  It’s not “true”, but it’s a functional delusion.  It helps me to function.  It is the coping strategy I originally developed.  Once you realize you’re God, it can be uncomfortable if you choose to deny it.  For whatever reason.  The “reality” you believe in.  The “reality of the world”…  Which you think trumps solipsism.  But solipsism might be the most powerful viewpoint.  If they aren’t going to help you, the clinicians.  If they can give you no solution.  Then time to develop the functional delusions.  What you figure.  What you consider.  Does my perspective matter?  Maybe not to them.  Maybe that’s the feminist perspective – don’t judge a book by its cover.  I’m judging.  How would ~I like to be judged, if I were a woman? 

This is what you have to consider / suppose.  If this is what happens to women.  Judgment.  Staring into her eyes.  Staring at her, walking by.  How would it feel to be stared at, by men?  Maybe that’s what they expect, at this point.  At a certain point.  Something is wrong.  Well, on the contrary, that’s not exactly true.  Something is ~right.  The SI has no power over me.  This is not suicidal energy.  I’ve felt that before.  That’s unmistakable.  This is more Primal energy.  Double Trouble.  If it can help.  If it would help with my problem.  Then it’s worth it, to do.  Is an AA meeting an ego trip?  Why do you need to go to your old home group?  To feed on the energy? 

What if you need to ~write..?  ~This is your energy.  What you’ve developed.  You don’t need to go impress a group of drunks with your wit and intelligence.  Not necessary.  Only do what’s necessary?  Only do what’s ~good.  You already went to Double Trouble today.  Why do you need another meeting?  It’s possible.  I could go and compete, go and impress them, go and be impressed.  I don’t think I really care about their message.  Their message is not one I need to hear.  Double Trouble is plenty good.  It’s enough.  And I don’t like saying “I’m an alcoholic.”  This is what I do.  Write.  It ~would be a different modality, the meeting. 

As you would go.  This is not a “Primal”… You can call it “Baird System”..  That might be a good name for these cycles.  Life is full of cycles.  What I’ve begun to experience.  How I’ve begun to relate.  Closely related points. 

As such.  Such as.  Who would actually say that?  A certain brother has been known to.  I call voices “messages”, and I think I’ve gotten all the messages.  They don’t have much more to tell me.  Experimenting with delusion.  What part you play.  Going fully crazy.  It’s almost exactly like, theoretically, you should be able to deal with this.  If it’s happened ten thousand times, already.  Then this should be your job.  To analyze points like this.  You’re not just housing, you’re a social worker.  This is what happens.  What we consider / suppose.

 

 


 

 

Nuclear Technique

 

 

What did that stuff do to you?  LSD tripping.  Detail and colorfulness tripping.  What you have going on.  As you would consider.  I guess – I don’t know – not really.  It’s a bit less nice without Kiran around.  She will be missed.  This is how it goes.  How you’d figure.  What did you ~do to yourself?  I never blacked out.  I never lost it on acid.  I always stayed fully conscious, on top of it.  Maybe that was bad.  Or maybe it was the falling.  Eyes locked on certain points, for certain lengths of time.  Could that do it?  “Primalling”?  Letting your voices lead you through “falling” primals?  Maybe that could fuck you up.  Post-LSD schizophrenic.  This is what you’d consider.  How you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Different things.  Almost exactly like.  Don’t you ~want “detail”, colorfulness?  Isn’t that the goal of life?  Soul.  Bad.  I guess I haven’t heard all the messages yet.  Still more to go.  What you figure. 

Should I be reading books?  Or should I be ~writing my book?  Is that the fundamental equation?  You shouldn’t be reading.  You should be writing Explosions of Laughter.  This is what I think, what I consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  What am I doing here?  It’s a bit strange.  A bit weird.  What you’d have to consider.  If the brain is a physical structure.  Then it would basically be a very powerful computer.  Multi-core, multitasking.  This is what would happen.  Plastic – reprogrammable.  With disciplines, with repetition.  This is what would happen.  If you’d figure, consider.  What you should be looking into.  What anyone would do.  Follow where you lead.  White lies.  Not tell the full truth.  Spare them the anxiety.  Spare yourself the betrayal.  If you don’t need to betray, don’t betray.  What you’d consider.  What you’d suppose.  If that were to.  If you were to.  I guess. 

Cop.  What you would then have.  A problem.  Your reading and writing habits would then be seen as part of the problem.  It wouldn’t be nice anymore.  It would turn into a kind of a bummer.  You don’t have to tell the whole truth.  Don’t you ~want “detail”, colorfulness?  Isn’t that the point?  Why anyone does anything?  I guess you like ~some colorfulness – just not too much.  Too much color.  Leaky gates.  You’ve damaged yourself.  I would call flashbacks damage.  I would say your functionality has been compromised.  What you do, what you figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  I guess, I know.  Different things.  If you were to figure, if you were to suppose.  I guess.  This is what would happen.  Almost exactly like.  It’s almost exactly like I’m crazy.  And then I come right out of it.  I thought, a fourth day flashback yesterday – super strong – I probably won’t have one today.  Oh well.  I guess that’s an other example of not judging well.  What you think will happen.  What you’d think might happen.  If you were to.  As you were to.  As that would go. 

As that would go.  If you would write.  What you suppose “writing” consists of.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As that would happen.  As you would consider.  If you were to write.  Then.  What you would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  If you had nothing to read.  You should be ~writing.  Put everything into the book.  That’s what you have to do.  If you haven’t figured it out yet.  How you should be writing.  For that to happen.  For a world-historical event.  As that would happen.  As you would suppose.  If you had chatted earlier this evening.  Whatever that would mean, consist of.  What it comes down to.  There’s the rub.  Where the rubber meets the road.  If your addiction was in danger of flaring up again.  I would think that would be notable.  A notable event.  What we do, what we consider.  Thinking about your skin tag.  Thinking about your tooth.  Different disturbing things you could be thinking of.  What they could be thinking.  If such. 

As such, such as.  If you continue to write.  As that would seem.  What it might seem like.  Ultimately.  If you thought you were God.  How the people would treat you…  How have they treated ~any God?  This is your experiment.  As you would figure.  Like the OS of your computer.  Who you would give that power to.  As it would happen.  As it might happen.  What you’d consider.  They didn’t like the Five very much, apparently.  Apparently that much can be said.  I’m so depressed.  What that would be from.  What’s the “trigger”?  What would trigger you to seek inpatient admission?  You’ll have to see.  You’ll have to find out.

As you do, as you figure.  The language you know how to speak.  That would be the ultimate goal.  To not have to be secretive.  To be able to stand behind my work.  That is my goal.  I pushed the radicality very far.  I’m pretty creative, when I want to create some interesting questions.  I wasn’t trying to disturb them.  I guess it was ultimately good.  Although I got to share 251frankjazz with a lot of cute ladies.  I guess that was something.  That was enough, in a sense.  If they get it, or choose not to get it.  Up to them.  At least you gave them the choice.  A choice not everyone is given.  In this world.  Which world?  Designed for witches and wizards?  Designed by me, or one of my selves.  Giving free reign to insanity.  I suppose that was the lesson I had to learn.  If I were to.  As I were to.  If you’d figure – if you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.

As it were to go.  If you were to consider.  Trying to keep up with writing.  Even if it’s not my prime priority – craft is.  I still should keep writing.  Just to keep in shape.  What I’ve considered.  As far as that would go.  What you do, what you consider.  Writing about the political situation.  If you had discovered anything about reality.  Deporting illegal immigrants.  I guess that’s the plan.  That’s what the authorities seem to agree on.  I live in this nation.  I haven’t voted recently.  I paid a few taxes.  Contributed to society in a small limited way.  What does the ~writing contribute to society?  To make us as strong as possible. 

As it would.  As you were.  Things.  Could be considering.  Could be supposing.  Insane thinking leads to insanity?  Crazy associations and word substitutions – a good way to use your mind to stress your brain?  Is that what you did?  Top-down control of your brain by a mind set upon reprogramming and radicalizing itself.  Maybe not the best approach.  If it led to this.  “The” condition.  If that’s what the ultimate result is.  Not a very comfortable result.  Can be super-uncomfortable.  At times.  No matter how educational, valuable.  You’d rather not have them.  That’s good, if you were causing them yourself.  That means you can solve the problem yourself.  If you can get into it, you can get out of it.  Something Janov might say.  I wasn’t willing to give up Janov, for a long time.  I held on.  Primal neighborhood?  English a difficult language to learn?  Does writing feed into it?  What kind of consciousness does writing entail?  Do you really have to wonder? 

I do wonder.  What does writing do?  Textualizing your mind.  From mental speech to visual text.  Abstracting your language.  From a living form, to a dead one.  Or dynamic to static.  Why you’d want to put your thinking into static form..  I guess, so you can review it later.  That would assume you are writing things worth reading later.  If that’s what you’ve ~decided.  Ten thousand years.  Before anyone will be that crazy?  Maybe.  Maybe that’s how it goes.  How it would go.  How you consider / figure.  What we do, what we suppose.

As you’d do.  What do you have to write?  About?  About what are you writing?  The novel is the highest artistic form.  Literary form, at least.  What about Aesthetic Theory?  That might be high in its own way – although no one can read stuff like that.  A novel – people can ~read.  What you’d figure / consider.  I think you might have to.  In a sense.  What could you write about?  College kids?  Coming of age?  In today’s networked world?  Understanding computers?  Is that what you could write about?  I guess.  The thing is, you’d actually have to ~do it.  It couldn’t just be “talked-about” – it would have to be ~done.  That’s what you’re considering.  It’s easy to improvise.  Maybe it’s what the world wants from you.  It already ~has DeLillo.  We don’t ~need another DeLillo.  We need DCB.  Whatever he chooses to become / create.  That’s what I think.

What you could consider.  What you could suppose.  How often?  In what manner / fashion?  This is what you do.  Nonsensical writing that might not really be nonsensical.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just try to exist.  As a writer.  A poor writer.  I need ~some tools for my trade.  Laptop, tablet, iPod, Android phone, stereo, Bose headphones.  If I didn’t have any of these, I’d be suffering.  What you do – what you consider.  I guess.  It’s just a radio.  I don’t understand why the signal fluctuates so much. 

You’d think.  You’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What we do, what we consider.  If you were to.  As a writer.  If you decided to write something.  Something ~profound / original.  Then you’d have your work cut out for you.  Being that.  Seeing as that.  Already written stuff, like Aesthetic Theory.  Which might trump anything you can write.  But not many people can ~read Aesthetic Theory.  Maybe you can write something they can read.  What you figure / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  How it would go.  How you would consider.  Maybe instead of further reprogramming, it would be nice to ~use the system you already have.  The system you already developed.  Instead of the continual reprogramming.  Could be stressing your system, to never stay with a stable version.  Computer metaphors.  People who can use metaphors.  How would you transform this into something people would want to read?  That is the struggle, the story.  The story of writing.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would figure / consider.

I guess.  I don't know, I just suppose.  What we could be considering.  Aunt Ellen's poem for Kiran.  Kiran is no longer suffering.  What do you feel?  No need for a dog.  The dog is a hindrance.  You have to take care of it.  I guess.  Without Kiran around, it’s a little less nice here.  What we’d suppose.  If you were to write.  As you were to write.  The different tic’s you like to rehearse.  While you warm up to the writing.  This is what happens.  Maybe you’re rewriting your piece..  Maybe it is a writing and a primal reliving.  Maybe you’re reliving the writing experience.  What that’s like.  To write.  To be in the audience, for a vast show, like last night’s dream.  People being killed.  People being shown on the screen.  Hijinks in the theatre.  This is how it conspires.  What you’d figure. 

What you’d suppose.  I think, in the end, you begin to figure it out.  Writing.  If you keep at it.  If you keep writing.  I don’t seem to have much original content anymore.  Seems to be mostly tic’s.  I don’t understand it.  Maybe I wrote everything.  That would be sad.  Or maybe it would be ~good.  Time to craft.  Move on to editing.  You have to edit.  You can’t just output rough draft.  Believe it or not.  You need to ~work on the text.

It seems to be collapsing, or caving in on me.  My life.  I don't seem to have the resources to avert a scary outcome.  I guess.  I suppose.  What you'd suppose, what you'd consider.  If, in the end, you were to.  As that would go.  As you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  Writing not providing the pleasure it once did.  More of a torture, a tension release.  Not much enjoyment.  Do I ~want to “be a writer”?  Maybe I should just get a job at McDonald’s, or something.  If my ultimate plan has proved fruitless.  If there’s no chance of me “being a writer”… 

What about Explosions of Laughter?  Isn’t this a book worth working on.  So hard.  It’s so hard, to be a writer.  I don’t know if I can continue to handle it.  Maybe I should “give up”… What you’d figure.  Meanwhile, I’m writing now, writing this.  Writing about not writing.  This is what happens.  Maybe the tic’s are ~bad for me.  Maybe they degenerate the mind.  They break down the mind.  All this experience you were so keen on getting.  What has it added up to?  What is the ultimate result?  This is what happens.  What you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  If something were to happen for you.  To you.  If you were to craft a document.  If you were to think that possible.

I’m at the end of the line.  Feeling great?  Time to write?  With the transcendent feelings I have now?  Is that how it would go?  Maybe I ~am a diarist.  And I ~shouldn’t craft.  I’m certainly not drawn to craft naturally.  Lucas might have pounded it into my head.  I’m warning you, these standards are fairly elitist.  As you would.  Things becoming difficult.  “Difficult”… As that would go.  Don’t want to end up inpatient.  Lose my credit card, and services.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  This is what happens.  How we expect / relate.  Slash distinctions?  Everyone, all the time. 

If you would have done something that crazy.   Almost unimaginable intensity of insanity.  This is what happens.  If you’d write.  If you’d continue to write.  Through the struggles.  Obligatory.  Things you could be thinking about.  Action.  Some of the acting.  Possible.  Having an intelligent conversation with a client, and he mentions, “My great uncle was a US President.  And his son owns the NFL.”  I think, “that’s possible.”  This is what happens.  You’re not just housing – you’re a social worker.  As it would happen.  As you would consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  Not really.

I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I guess I keep continuing with writing.  Am I homosexual?  Maybe asexual.  I’m not attracted to either form.  I don’t know why this happened.  What the cause of all this is, I’m unsure of.  Seeing Fassbinder at work.  Makes it clear that you could never be a great director.  You’re not enough of a control-freak.  You don’t have enough opinions on how things should be.  You don’t have ideas of how events and people should be arranged.  Not your fault.  Just the way things are. 

I’d keep writing.  No matter how bad it feels.  You have to keep pushing, to push on through.  Even if it feels meaningless.  Maybe there ~is no “meaning”, in life.  It’s a giant moot totality.  It doesn’t matter.  Really.  What you’ve considered.  The meaninglessness of it all.  How dark you’ve gotten.  How dark life has become.  There’s light here.  It’s ~not dark.  There’s plenty of light, to see.  Things to see.  What you figure, suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really. 

People, places, and things.  I was seriously contemplating smoking weed.  You might not think that.  You wouldn’t think that.  Knowing how good I’ve been doing.  Have I been doing good?  I have less faith a human being will attract me.  Will be able to.  There have to be a couple examples, wandering around Oakland.  It has to be possible.  What life always promised.  The ~promise of life.  This is what happens.  How good you are.  How monstrous and repulsive most humans look.  You’re not attracted.  You don’t want to get into their lives.  And Abbot on the mic at Magnetic Pulse shows.  Complete dork asshole.  And their music.  Simply bad repetition.  And I went in for it.  Went out with Gerd, to get coffee, then back to his apartment.  What would it take?  Willpower?  Won’t-power? 

I think that’s how important this is.  If you haven’t been writing.  If you haven’t been working on your book.  Then I would understand if you got a bit detached from your life goals, your life projects.  If you hadn’t been writing.  I think you have to keep writing.  Text is dream.  Your ~dreams told you this. 

What would drugs do?  Alter your mind?  Your mind alters itself, just fine.  You get plenty of alteration.  What we consider.  How we suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I could keep writing.  Should keep writing.  It’s not like I have anything else to do.  Misanthropic?  It’s more satisfying to see women you ~aren’t attracted to.  That gives you more power.  Maybe one day you’ll talk to one of the attractive ones.  Don’t judge a book by its cover.  The intelligence level we’re talking about here.  “You guys suck.  Godfried sucks.  I hate your music.”  Things better not to say.

This is what happens.  I have to get ~used to writing.  If it’s going to be my modality.  Something I do as a full-time job.  If this is your full-time job.  Then you’d want to be good at it.  You’d want to develop your style.  If possible.  Make it not like a chore.  Make it something joyous, something great.  If you’re going to be a writer.  The hardest thing a human being can do.  What you figure.  What you suppose.  And in a way, it’s meaningless.  It’s only meaningful if you ~think it so. 

This is what happens.  What we consider.  Figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  In a way.  In a sense.  What you’d be into.  If you want to hang out with Santo.  As that would happen.  As you would happen.  If you would happen to Pittsburgh.  How that goes.  What the point of anything.  Sounds like a job that doesn’t pay – if you’re practicing every week and you only have one show this summer.  This is what I do.  I shouldn’t even be thinking about this stuff.  Gerd is back to his old ways.  I think he’s probably doing drugs.  I came close to asking to do some.  I can’t do that.  People, places, and things.  Triggers.  Bad music.  Would I like their music, if I got high? 

And Gerd.  Not offering you drugs.  But just being Gerd.  Same old musical bullshit.  Same old shitty music.  Still going at it.  Still up to it.  Not going to stop, not going to change.  You needed to learn that lesson again.  Asking you to their show at the Thunderbird Saturday night.  As that would go.  As you would figure.  Suppose.  Different things.  Your life.  What people want from you.  Fucking with you.  That’s what they’re doing.  You want to be careful, who you let fuck with you.  Gerd, or Santo.  Take your pick.  As that would happen.  If you would figure / consider.  I don’t know.  Not really.  How that would go.  I guess. 

I just write.  I keep trying to write.  I think it’s probably the best thing I could do.  In my current setup.  With my current capabilities.  Makes you realize.  What you’d have to ~do, to be a writer.  How bad you’d have to act.  You’d have to ~develop your own act / style / game.  And not let players fuck with you.  Gerd is a player.  He’s trying to play a game.  You don’t want to be sucked into that.  You thought you might want to.  Really, no.  Probably not.  You think Godfried and Isaah have quit smoking pot?  Moriz, Rodney?  No chance.  They’re doing drugs.  They’re up to no good.  How serious you’d have to get, about your writing.  To make it work.  Drugs are not the answer.  They would make you feel really creative.  Think your writing was great.  ~Is it great, yet?  Or do you have more work to do?  This is what I figure.  What I consider.

I would have to be 95% certain that I wanted to kill myself.  Maybe even, 100%.  If there’s ~any probability I’d kill myself, I’d call Resolve.  Resolve might not always want to take you.  But I think they would, if it were critical.  The treatment team lies to you, a little bit.  To let you know your own lies are okay, not so bad.  It is a kind of a game, an act.  You are inter-acting with the treatment team.  How ~bad you’d have to get, as a writer.  That’s what you consider.  What you’d have to make happen.  If you were going to do that. 

Gerd gives you motivation.  It shows you what life you’re hopefully leaving behind.  You get to see where you “came from”…  They’re still playing the exact same music, as years ago.  No progress.  Tighter bullshit.  What that makes you realize.  How you were to realize that.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Music.  It’s a bit unhealthy, to be so obsessed with music, and making music.  I’m glad I’m beyond that.  What you figure.  What you consider.  If you were to, as you were to.  What you’ve escaped.  Almost escaped.  If you dive back into the swamp. 

Then who’s to blame?  If you relapse?  Maybe take this as a warning.  I don’t think I can hang around the band, anymore.  Don’t necessarily want to pollute my mind, with their music.  I hate it, in a way.  I learned to hate it.  I probably hate it more than a normal person would know to.  I know what it’s all about, I know what they’re trying to do. 

Sex.  Sex is what most people can “get”…  It’s a fake act.  Animalistic.  Seeing women I’m not attracted to makes me feel ~more powerful.  Don’t judge a book by its cover.  But women, you ~have to judge.  Unless you were to know better.  Somehow to know.  To learn of her mind, her psychology.  To see through the “cover”… Then, you would judge her by her mind.  I think that’s what you want.  You want a mind.  Not just a body.  The body will decay and grow old and die.  The mind will always be young and alive.  This is what happens.  If you were to. 

Seeing people engaged in sex… It’s like they’re robots or automatons.  They’re programmed to do it.  They have no choice.  Seeing the Fassbinder.  Seeing the obsession with sex.  Being someone who’s not driven by it, you can see what the obsession means.  This is a higher standpoint, you’ve come to.  You’ve achieved a higher standpoint.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would go, as you would figure.  Keeping care of your appearance.  Shaving.  You ask women to shave their legs and armpits – and you can’t even shave your face?  What kind of deal is that?  That would be considered a raw deal.  What you do / consider.  Maybe “slash distinctions” isn’t the right concept.  There are more than just two options.  There are ~many distinctions you could make.

I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you’d have to have going on.  Don’t be so interested in ~yourself – be interested in ~them.  I think that’s the key.  You already know about ~yourself.  You’re interested in ~them.  They will be the addition to your life.  You are already here.  Always already.  It begins to seem.  I don’t really know. 

Not really.  I just suppose.  We already know your skills are meagre.  What you have going on.  In your little life.  Even if you don’t actually go, this intensity of expectation and learning has been worth it.  But really – don’t you want to see if it’s really possible, to speak with real people?  Not just Gerd?  The soon-to-be delirious ~uncertainty.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would go, as you would consider.  Things.  Dinge.  You have simple desires. 

Mixed up.  Mixed feelings.  Trying to understand.  I guess I gave it a try.  It was a learning experience.  How horrible it would be to actually have to learn German.  What we consider.  Talking about politics.  Different things.  You could suppose.  I guess.  I guess.  I don’t really know.  You were going to invite Gerd.  What I consider.  Coming back to Fernwood, feeling mixed up.  Not saying a proper goodbye at the meetup.  I guess that’s addict behavior.  What you would expect / consider.  I guess.  If you actually had to live in Germany.  Until then, you don’t need to know German.  How much, how many words there would be to learn.  If you wanted to be fluent.  If you really wanted to understand.  The monumental struggle.  The immense struggle.  Struggle without end.  I guess you were brave, for going.  You went.  You got the experience.  Who is German?  What we consider.  How we figure. 

I’m not exactly sure.  Always.  Code word for Mom.  Exactly.  Code word for God.  However much you’ve learned.  You’ve considered.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Different topics.  I’ve been learning German for years, and I’ve never talked about politics before.  What you consider.  I guess. 

What you do.  Interested in your own writing?  The product of your own thoughts?  If ~you don’t care, who would?  This is what you have to consider.  How you have to create.  If you don’t like the product, change it.  That’s what writing is.  Changing pages, into what you like.  Do you like text?  Is there any text you ~would like?  I think you have to think about this stuff.  UFP.  Is that possible?  Would anyone care?  Do you care?  Why do you write, if you don’t care?  Is this just automatic brain garbage?  Word salad?  Unmotivated stuff.  Stuff that lacks all motivation.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose. 

My medicine is legal there.  How that would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  I would suppose.  I would consider.  I’m not sure.  Maybe I just pound out the pages.  Maybe it’s meaningless.  To classify your own teachings as meaningless.  That might be the ultimate ~power – to not even let your own stuff have power over you.  To be ~that critical.  To where even your own shit has no power over you.  I think this would be true enlightenment.  For a writer.  To realize.  If you were to realize.  Word lies.  Why would I want to read your “word lies”?  This is the gift you’ve been given.  If the ultimate realization is for ~you – not your text.  If the text is not the point.  The life is the point.  What you can live.  How you can be.  What you write, in a sense, is meaningless.  It is just a step ladder, to get you higher.  To higher levels.  No one knows, how near or how far.  Unless you let them find out.  Unless you were to find out.  What’s behind her “cover”…

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  That’s your goal, your mission.  To find a ~mind – not simply a body.  You don’t have much use for ~bodies.  Human beings.  Human lives.  You don’t want to become entangled with them.  They drag you down, in a sense.  They introduce problems and vulnerabilities.  “I think your songs are getting more tight.”  (Same garbage as years ago.)  Exactly the same.  This is what happens.  How good you’d have to get. . People who know you. 

If you were a writer.  Writers write.  Coders code.  You’d know what to study, if you wanted to get good at computers.  Do you know what to study, to get good at writing?  Is it a matter of “study”?  Do you already know?  What is there to know?  What would you like to write?  How would you like to develop?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  That’s the thing.  If you give up.  Stop writing.  What do you think will happen?  Clean, decent book, I can be proud of.  This is how it goes.  What you consider. 

What it means to be a writer, what it means to be you.  Depending.  What you were thinking of. 

What you’d figure.  What you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Wouldn’t Lennon want to be famous?  Wouldn’t anyone want to be famous?  For his life, for him?  Your movies of you two, in your room at Sasona.  Recovering.  How close you could come to relapse.  I don’t think I’m going to relapse.  If I keep playing on the tracks.  Well, lesson hopefully learned.  How close you are to relapse.  If you hang out, with them smoking.  Godfried smoking in your apartment.  Insisting.  Full dick mode.  Fuck those guys.  Gerd is a nice guy, and all.  But you don’t need to risk everything you’ve struggled so hard to attain.  This is what happens.  What you figure.  If you were to figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  This is what would happen.  If you were to. 

I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  People, places, and things.  Disconnect.  Detach.  Detach from the crew, again.  You’ve done it before.  You’ve had to do it before.  The risk.  The danger.  Maybe you ~do need more programming.  You almost relapsed, today.  How nice would that have been?  You have to catch yourself.  Wake up, to what might be happening.  Don’t go to Gerd’s apartment.  Maybe have coffee with him occasionally.  This is what happens.  This is what you have to realize.  What you’re forced to realize.  As you were, if you were.  I guess.  I just try to write.

To think you thought you could write like DeLillo.  Odd, strange.  Perhaps fitting, in this kind of world.  Delusion.  Tragedy, thought- and behavioral-pathology.  Different things.  Text as dream, text ~is dream.  What we might consider.  The jaw held up.  Or maybe it was the jaw, that got me to leave so abruptly.  I go to my limit.  I test the limits.  Home at Fernwood, things seem different.  Like I didn’t need to leave that abruptly.  Different things.  I could imagine.  I could suppose.  Paranoia.  Jerking.  Jerk.  What you figure.  Lip burn.  That’s what you get.  It’s fitting.  Certain things.  Reid, getting a glimpse of schizophrenia. 

I probably won’t go back.  It’s too difficult.  Repetition, practice.  I don’t have the need.  I’d ~like to learn German.  But if you don’t need to, it’s not going to happen.  People very serious about their language learning.  That part made me feel good.  That there were fellow travelers.  People also into the struggle.  Into the same struggle as I am.  To learn German.  I could have stayed longer.  I didn’t have to run away.  Or maybe it was the jaw.  The jaw says leave, so you leave.  Different things.  You could be considering.  Figuring.  As you, if you. 

Tragedy.  Prose, poetry.  DeLillo is a poet, and artist.  His language rings out with the most sublime colors and tonalities known to the human being.  He is ~that good.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  If you were to.  If you were going to learn about this stuff.  I think it was an ideal situation.  Any pressure there was created by yourself.  You created your own hell.  You could have been learning different things, at the time.  You didn’t have to run away.  Or maybe you did – maybe that’s your program.  How you generally tend to do things.  It wasn’t a choice.  You had no choice, you were programmed.  I think I’m not sure.  Not actually.

 


 

 

 

 

Horizon Event Scanning

 

 

The pressure of learning a foreign language.  Thank God I don’t have to do it.  I guess.  Feeling pretty mixed up from today’s experience.  What I could be getting into.  How hard it would be to actually learn.  Not up to the challenge.  SI.  I feel like killing myself.  Now that I know.  I’m a failure in my chosen field.  Different things. 

The German meetup was a wonderful learning experience.  Now you know.  It’s not for you.  It’s beyond you.  You just like reading and listening.  Speaking is for the birds.  Now you know.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Seems difficult.  To live, to survive.  This is why the drugs seemed like a solution, so long ago.  If you’re suicidal, and you have an unfixable structural problem, then maybe it makes sense to get high.  If nothing else in your life has helped.  What we consider / suppose.  Details.  Designs. 

I don’t feel very well.  I feel like life is crushing in on me.  Could be due to listening to the TV in the other room.  To hear the reality of these people.  How open they would or wouldn’t be to my own reality.  Maybe that’s the world.  What you could consider / suppose.  People are not so easily impressed anymore.  What you could consider.  Ultra-fictional philosophy?  You think you’re “good at that”?  The best in the world?  The one who deserves to be read?  What would make you that?  Why should we believe that?

I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  FB’s?  Maybe they’re ~stimulating… For a life so boring, so tragic – they’re something ~interesting..!  That’s a way you could think of them.  If you wanted a new attitude on them.  I think you’ve decided this before.  “Bring it on” was one of your statements.  Easy enough to say now.  Not quite so easy, when the next one begins.  Then the challenging nature of certain points will be brought home once again.  Certain points, in a schizophrenic’s development.  I guess this is what you were asking for.  In a sense.  In some sense.  If it were to be known.  Generally.  Would this serve as a general introduction to your work? 

If you were going to.  As you were going to.  I guess.  I don't know.  Typeface matters.  Don't stay in Times New Roman.  Go unconventional.  If you figure, if you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would go.  I guess.  I’ve never heard of a completely generic Android.  This is what happens.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like.  It’s almost exactly like.  If people were reading you, as you wrote this.  What are you “writing” (typing)?  What would that be like?  For you?  To you?  If you were to, as you were to.  I don’t think you’re ~actually tripping that hard.  I don’t think you’re ~actually crazy.  It seems a little tweaked-out at times.  That’s only natural.

How you would figure.  If you would figure.  As that would go.  If you would go.  You like writing.  Why not do more of it?  If you want it to be your full-time job..?  Then.  I would imagine.  As you’d consider.  As you’d figure.  You’d have to ~write..!  And talk to women..!  I guess.  If you wanted to.  As you wanted to.  What would you be involved in writing..?  The creation of a new world?  Which psychosis is necessary for?  What would psychosis be good for?  Looking into certain points, with certain amounts of primal clarity?  Drifting to the left?  Because of what a voice told you about looking to the right?  Why would your brain try to program you?  Wouldn’t your brain ~already be in control of itself?  Unless there were competing cores.  Competing ~tasks.  The insanity task.

How that would go.  If you were to.  The difficulty.  That’s what I remember from the chat – I can overcome difficulty.  I can be creative, in the moment, because I am not high.  Drugs make you ~appear creative… Sober, I can actually ~be creative.  That’s just what I’ve discovered.  Going to meetings.  The really farthest humans have taken it.  What do you admire?  What do you want to get out of life?  Sober is an important axis.  For a drug addict?  Perhaps the ~most important.  Without that, all else is lost.  If you relapse.  There are no rules here.  For schizophrenia, there are no rules. 

It is like a dream.  You have to have some faith.  Depending who is watching you.  Why would they watch?  To see what schizophrenia really is?  You’d have to be pretty smart, to want to see that..  They must be pretty smart, to have set this up.  If you actually think they’re watching you.  If you’re that paranoid.  What do you think is the purpose of life?  To observe schizophrenics in their private lives?  Could that really be Composite’s point?  Possible, I suppose.  I suppose it’s ~possible.  Plausible?  Not really.  No.  I think I’m alone.  Alone with my brain.  My brain which liked to fuck with itself, hardcore.  If that’s the way it went. 

As that would go.  Lucas Sullivan being your teacher.  As that would have happened.  As it actually did happen.  Believe it.  That’s the world.  How amazing the world is.  If you wouldn’t have gone to VA Tech.  What would have happened to you.  Hard to imagine.  Hard to comprehend.  What exactly.  If you hadn’t have ended up in Blacksburg.  Then.  You might figure.  Almost any other possibility.  Not that there wasn’t a lot of wasted time down there.  Drug-wasted time.  Drug damaged life.  But you also got Janov, DeLillo, Pynchon, Sullivan.  That can’t be forgotten.

As that would happen.  If you were to write.  As carefully.  What that would mean.  Not just pounding out the lines.  But carefully, mindfully, expressing thoughts and feelings.  With some art.  With some passion.  Sex is the meaning of life?  Love is the fundamental need?  What we’d consider.  How we’d suppose.  If we were to think about these things.  As we were to think about them.  Then it would seem. 

How ~difficult you have become.  The passages.  The darkness of the passages..  By this point.  Having looked this far.  Thus far.  Who would say that?  Who would be ~able to say that?  You or your brother?  Or your “brother” – whoever he may be..  Your brothers-in-arms.  In the struggle.  The axis of your struggle.  A phallic symbol.  What you’d have to suppose.  As that would go.  If you were going to use neuro spasms, tic’s, random eye movements, as the basis for your philosophy.  Having watched Berlin Alexanderplatz four times already.  Fifth time through.  What that would mean, to your German ear.  How active and precise your aural knowledge of the language can be. 

If you were going to.  As you were going to.  American philosophers.  What they’ve been writing in ~English.  ~Not in German.  What they’ve actually been writing in your mother tongue.  If you could understand.  As you would understand.  How good they’ve gotten.  How good language sounds.  Really good.  What you might have been missing out on, reading translations.  What do they say in English?  Not the translators – but the ~authors.  What an ~author would choose to say.

How you’d do it.  Tell the hairstylist you’re a writer.  Tell her about your website.  Give her the “gift of David”… That was shitty of you not to.  What else do you have to give?  Your four dollar tip?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  That is almost exactly how it would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  Almost like.  It would almost be like.  The “patterins” you’ve followed, including pain/tension followed by drug and alcohol abuse, are very well-established.  To break these patterins, might take some doing.  This is what happens.  How it goes.  Engaging, or re-engaging this tension.  Lying down.  Better go to bed, than shoot yourself in the head.  This is what I think. 

Maybe I need to get serious about my recovery.  Start the program.  If it’s what I want to do – stay sober.  Sobriety is the most important thing in my life, you could say… If I don’t have ~that, nothing else will go right.  What I figure.  How I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were to, as you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like.  It would be almost exactly like.  If you like to write.  As you like to write.  How ~serious you’d have to get.  I am ~really close to relapsing.  Gerd didn’t offer me any, he didn’t smoke in front of me.  Still, being with him at his place, I was just about ready to relapse.  Not that he would even let me smoke.  Or maybe he would.  I don’t like that feeling, of being close to relapse.  It’s not something I want to repeat.  Recovering addicts have to be really careful.  I guess I wasn’t being careful enough.  What you do.  What you consider.

Maybe another year here.  For me to get my act together.  Write a book and sell it.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  That’s what we consider.  If you don’t like telling women about your website.  You might face loss and difficulty.  If you’re not a promoter of your own site – who would be?  That’s what today’s lesson told you.  I guess.  I like difficulty at times.  Chat can be difficult.  But philosophically if you push through it, you can have a good experience.  Philosophically, if I can overcome these problems, I will be stronger.  As it would go.  As you would consider.  I guess.  Even so.  If you were to.  As you were to.  What writing tic’s does to you, for you.  How fluid your language has become.  What you consider / figure.  If different people were to have your link.  How that might go.  If you were to give your link.

As that would go.  Without the fb’s, maybe you would be feeling something ~else.  Without that pressure on your eyes and mind.  Maybe you’d have found another pressure.  If it’s so good to be you.  What you realize.  Without your recovery, you wouldn’t have ~shit.  It’s ~that important.  It’s the most important thing in your life.  It is the final piece of the puzzle.  The piece without which, the puzzle could never complete.  Insight.  You know this.  You’ve learned this, with help.  Infinite amounts of help.  Maximum wishfulness.  This is how that would go.  If you were to.  Speaking your language.  Maybe look into philosophers speaking English.  With a translation, your odds of a decent writer/author get at least halved.  There’s twice as much chance the author might be an asshole.  Some translators are great.  Some.  You really want to know the language.  Ultimately.  If you were to consider.  As you were to figure.  What have the Americans been writing?  I think it’s what you should be interested in.  As you consider.  If you figure.  Things, going on.  In your life.  In your world.

Maybe you should write more often.  Sit down to the laptop.  If this really is your quote-unquote life/job.  Then you’d want to make it really natural.  Get really good at it.  It’s amazing you thought you’d make it in music.  Delusional – but amazing.  You must have been really good at guitar.  To have that vision.  A vision of things happening for you.  Maybe you need a vision for text, as well.  Seeing what can happen.  How good you’d have to get it.  Make it.  It would have to be out of sight.  For an explosion to do well.  You’d want the text to be amazing.  Not like bullshit. 

I participate in God’s bullshit world.  God owes ~me.  For my participation in his bs world.  That’s probably an extreme position to take.  Not many people.  Recovery.  Bars attracting me to walk on in.  Got to resist that.  Bars are evil, for me.  Where I’m concerned.  Maybe not for a moderate drinker.  I don’t know how you could be moderate with a substance of abuse.  Not me.  Poisoning, here we come.  What I figure.  What I consider.  If I wanted to write.  How badly I’d want to write.  What you would figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.

Maybe write more often.  If this is really going to be your life.  Then, you’d want..  You’d want to get good.  Make it fluid, make it real.  As you were to consider.  If you were to consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What sorts of things.  You were doing.  You could be doing.  I’m not sure – I don’t know.  As it would happen. 

Dreams.  Dreaming while awake.  Making your waking life like a lucid dream.  The ~clarity, from twenty months.  Drugs would give you creativity and spontaneity, but you’d lose your natural access.  You’d all of a sudden need drugs to reach these levels.  Where now, it’s natural.  This is what happens.  The imagination.  In your imagination.  How that would happen.  If that could happen for you.  What you would suppose / consider.  Ultimately.  As that would go.  If that would go. 

What does music do to you?  Hyper-speed fusion experiments?  Does that, in a sense, reprogram the brain?  They say jazz restructures the brain.  I think the musicians would be even ~more creative without drugs.  Zappa just smoked and drank coffee.  He would be considered fairly creative.  What we figure.  As we were to.  How that would go.  If that would go.  As you figure, as you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you have going on.  In the end.  Ultimately.  You don’t ~want to die.  Not just yet.  You’re still enjoying life.  It’s ~not a bs existence, a bs world.  It’s a very nice world.  What you’d suppose.  How you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

The world.  “These aren’t normal white people.”  What we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  If you were to, as you were to.  If that would happen.  What you were considering / supposing.  What you’d figure / consider.  I guess.  Writing is feeling dead.  I feel no life in me, this time of day.  Maybe I need more coffee.

Global.  As you would do.  Doug, Gerd, Godfried.  People you might want to betray / avoid.  They can add nothing to your life.  As a writer, you have to make some tough decisions.  I sexually harassed my mentor’s girlfriend.  Things.  Guilty, got away with.  The type of message Noel must have gotten.  The type of memory I would cause in Lucas / Noel.  What you would consider.  As you would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  As we do, we are.  Jen doesn’t want to hang anymore.  You waited too long to call her back.  A very long time.  Months.  Many months.  Not the sign of a friendly person. 

What you do, consider.  If you were working on a book.  What that would look like.  Fucking with Doug.  Calling him, then not returning his call.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Taking a shower is the most erotic thing a human being can do.  What you do.  Taking a shit is the most profound thing a human being can do.  Different rewordings.  Lucas Sullivan. 

His probable opinion of DCB.  His probable attitude toward me.  What you might consider.  Pathology.  Social radar for social pathology.  What you consider.  As far as you could possibly go.  Take it as far as you could possibly take it.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  Schizophrenic.  Why did you call Doug?  Don’t want to hang out with him?  Don’t even really want to talk to him?  As you do, as you configure.  What you have going on.  If you were able to write.  What that “ability” would be like.  To feel, to be behind.  Do you stand behind the Five?  Not really.  I don’t think so.  They were an experiment.  How far could perversion be pushed?  I wanted to find out.  I needed to find out.  I guess.  If I were to. 

Write like DeLillo?  Is that even a possibility?  We already have DeLillo, Adorno, etc.  We want ~you, not them.  What does ~David want to write?  What is in David’s imagination?  Things you could suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Anatole not wanting to read your books.  Makes sense.  You’re lucky he even talks to you.  You can call him whenever you want, and he’ll talk to you.  You don’t need to feed him your word lies.  This is what happens.  How you suppose. 

If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  If Michael Altair is happy, society is better off.  It goes better for everyone, if he’s happy.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  I don’t know ~what to do.  Interesting things I could be doing.  Like ditching Doug again.  Gerd, Godfried.  Full deal.  Are you “full-blown”?  What is this a case of?  Is this full-blown schizophrenic writing?  Then.  I would think, you’re not going to be doing predictable things socially.  You’re not going to be socially predictable.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really. 

What you’d suppose.  If you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just type out my phrases and sentences.  Maybe turn to reading.  Maybe you’re written out.  You’ve written it all.  Nothing left to express.  I guess.  Not predictable.  How bad you are.  If you were a star.  Or if you were rich.  If you had some decisions to make.  People to avoid.  How that would go.  Ditching them again.  Feels good.  Is funny, actually.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  Who you’re going to be.  Who exactly you are.  What happens.  How we were to suppose.  How we were to access.  Contemplate.

This is what happens.  In your life.  How it goes.  Broken relationships?  With addicts and freaks, yes.  With such people, it is appropriate to break one’s relationship.  This is what I figure.  Queer?  I don’t think so.  I would be repelled by the male version of my spirit.  I’m looking to get into the female version.  I’m heterosexual.  I want something different.  I do not want same / similar.  How we figure.  Ditching Doug.  Fuck him.  He’s a freak, a paranoid politically stupid asshole.  Yes, good at computers, guitar.  So what?  What does that say?  In the grand scheme?  How you do, how you suppose.  I guess. 

I’m just trying to be a writer.  “Just”… Might not be the easiest proposition.  This is what happens.  In your life.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Bullshit.  The world.  Your judgment.  What do you owe the world?  The world owes ~you.  God owes you.  For all of your participation in the bullshit.  Is that true?  Might be.  Possible.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What is reality?  What have we become attuned to?  What type of system did God set up?  A system in which you would arise?  Not so keen on being institutionalized, anymore.  Seeing the carpet, the floor, at Primary Care, illuminated by the fluorescent light.  Made me realize.  Gave me another taste, of what inpatient is like.  For people who can’t function, it’s a good place / option.  I can function a bit, though.  Might want to stay “out”…

 

 

 


 

 

 

Significant Stress

 

 

How that would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Being someone who writes (rights)… Why ~exactly is it so hard?  That’s your task, to figure it out.  Why would that be hard?  What you were looking into.  Writing as a coping strategy.  For passing stressful lengths of time.  What else?  What else could you be doing?  Living your life, instead of simply recording it.  If you were able to be yourself.  Whatever that would mean.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like.  What you’ve been “doing”…

Things.  Almost exactly like.  With flashbacks.  Your “main problem”?  Isn’t that what you should be thinking about?  Primal.  Your primal problem.  A true a posteriori theory, about what’s happening.  As opposed to the Janovian a priori theory.  Which simply calls everything “primal”… What you do. 

What you consider.  If you were going to develop.  As you were going to develop.  I don’t know.  I’m not certain.  Not really.  When you.  If you.  As that would go.  If you would go.  Past, history.  What your history contains.  The fat girl, WOB, “wearer of black”, at Tech.  What you were getting into with her.  For a time.  For some time.  Bloody mattress.  Whatever that signified to you.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  Almost exactly. 

Low points vs. high points.  Some of the other women at Tech.  Who you glancingly collided with.  As that would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would happen.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  How you were going to respond to accusations. 

As that would happen.  If.  Then.  You might, you might suppose.  I guess.  If I were to ~use my creativity.  How that would look.  Homicidal Ideation.  How that would translate.  Expressions of naked betrayal.  I would think you’ve ~already seen enough naked betrayal.  How crazy you’d have to be.  To have these fantasies.  What should we think?  When someone is like this?  How would that go?  If you were to, as you were to. 

What you should have to deal with.  As that would happen.  If you would consider / suppose.  Seemed to be interested in exactly what is wrong with me.  Exactly.  Truth serum.  If you were to tell the truth.  About how crazy you get.  Insane.  Maybe you ~get to be insane, periodically.  Sex is what most people can “get”… What is the “translation” of a flashback?  Into normal, contemporary terms?  I don’t think it ~can be translated.  What you’d figure / consider.  How crazy are you?  How crazy do you get?  Certain forms?  As high as possible?  Rolling your eyes?  How high is it possible to roll your eyes?  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I guess.  Not really.  I don’t think that’s how it would go.  An abstract “fantasy” is not an intention.  You were simply thinking about it. 

If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  What you learned, today.  If anything.  Certain clinicians, following you to the ends of the earth.  Level.  The level of difficulty.  How you’d characterize it.  Why would you say this is difficult?  To keep your eyes closed, to this kind of energy.  Role.  Rolls.  What role you were playing.  If you were trying to play the lead role.  Imprism’d.. Everyone knows about this, now.  Not just the paranoid.  Now, the paranoia is for everyone.  Composite view of points, series of points.  You create a series of serious points. 

I know what to say if I want inpatient psychiatric admission.  What we do.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How that would go.  If you broke the code, for getting in.  What that would feel like.  How cray-zee that would feel.  Insane.  Maybe it’s natural.  A priori you can say any term is a primal term.  But what would an a posteriori theory be?  A theory of the make-up of you.  The data we’d have.  If this sort of life. 

You’ve been warned.  You’ve understood certain types of warning.  About looking this closely, into certain points.  What kinds of points, have you been looking into?  How have you been scanning?  What have you been scanning for?  Is that the question, that certain people should ask themselves?  Should / would / could distinctions.  Slash distinctions.  That ~everybody, would be making, ~all the time.  If your project.  Is successful.  Your picture-project.  To give the world a picture.  Of what might be happening, all the fucking time.  If you were to.  As you were to. 

If you were going to.  As you were going to.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Just supposing.  If your project.  If it were to.  Gain success, in this real only world.  What that would mean.  For certain people.  At certain times.  Looking on in.  Looking at you.  What can they see?  If they were to have the right link.  The right to-link.  If people were to look into the correct links.  What can they see?  You acting crazy? 

Crazy/ sane… Different types of action.  For different types of people.  How that might go.  How it would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Write this.  “Writing” – what is it “for”?  Instrumental, useful to so-and-so for such-and-such.  The philosophy department didn’t find you useful.  Neither did the English department.  The CS department ~proved you weren’t useful to it.  Maybe you’re not “academic”… Maybe we’re talking about something different, here.

As that were to.  If you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What would have to happen.  Ruby.  If you were going to think of some of this stuff.  Writing.  How serious you could get about it.  If you wanted to reach Benjamin’s level.  If anything like that was remotely possible.  You might have to get a little bit more serious.  Just a little bit.  If you want to enhance the quality.  Enhance the output.  To where you could sell books.  For property.  You didn’t just want fame / notoriety.  That wasn’t what you were into.  Or you would have left the Five up.  You want a project, a movement in the world, with rational or UFP dimensions.  You’re not going to stand behind any anarchist chaotic text.  Just because you happened to write it.  That’s not reason enough.  To stand behind it.  A text you actually stand behind will be of a higher quality.  You will need to enhance the quality.  This is what happens.  What we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would happen.

As it were to.  As you were to.  The imagination.  You can ~write..!  You’ve had time to ~read..!  Remember, Abduhl said that was the greatest gift – the time to read… And you had it.  You’ve done your share.  Not necessarily of homework.  You weren’t too keen to do homework reading.  But you’ve carved another path for yourself.  I think a good one.  You are not corrupt, you are not death.  You are ~life..!  This is what I do.  This is what I consider.  Why do you get so down on your writing?  It’s awesome, at parts.  You just have to craft it more.  You haven’t been too heavy on the craft aspect.  More so the spontaneous composition.  Free-form.  While you craft the work, it will become great.  What you figure.  Writing rough draft poetry.  Could a rough draft of a poem ever be great?  Unless you’re out of this world… This is what happens.  What you almost ~have to encounter.  If you were to.  As you were to.  You can ~write..!  And you’ve had time to ~read..!  Not homework.  You weren’t too into that.  You read whatever the fuck you wanted to.  An eccentric path, through literature.  Through the world.  Reading is going through a world.  Everyone gets their own view.  The total document?  Is that what you’re thinking of writing?  All the truth in one place? – I don’t think so..!  This is how that would work.  Almost exactly.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  Different things.  Almost like.

As that, if that.  You’re ~writing..!  No one else is “here”, doing this.  You are the only one writing here.  You can write whatever you want..!  Philosophy to be read.  Philosophy to be learned.  This is how it goes.  How that would go.  I suppose.  I don’t ~know – I just suppose.  Writing in the morning?  Isn’t that opposite of what he said to do?  Or what he said he did?  Should that matter?  Can you be taught at which times of day are best to write?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think it would carry over between different people.  Too many variables.  Morning could be a good time to write.  Just as you figure.  Flashbacks.  The last one yesterday, with no rolling or pressure – just detail and colorfulness.  Maybe that’s a step, for you.  Or maybe that’s just the fourth FB of the day.  Did enough rolling earlier.  How much rolling will I have to do?  In my life?  Isn’t it a finite amount? 

Role playing.  What “role” was I playing?  Pretending to be.  Someone who I was not.  How that would go.  How you would consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things, you could contemplate.  You could suppose.  Shitting your pants.  How that event could have resonated through your life.  If people would have found out.  Certain classmates and teachers.  What that would have ~meant, for you.  Hard to imagine.  Exactly.  What you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  What has to be done.  What has to be the case.  Ankyloglossia.  Conditioning not to talk about it.  As that would happen.  As you would figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you must have looked like, as a baby, with that problem. 

The mental pressure, the rolling, is not appreciated during a flashback.  What I do.  What I were to realize.  If that would be so.  Seen the same girl four times.  She must be a neighbor.  Not motivated to talk to her.  ~Think about it.  That’s all.  Praxis:  action / practice.  Making my philosophy a reality.  What is the ~translation into contemporary terms, for some of this stuff.  As you were to.  If you were to. 

I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As that would happen.  If you were to write more blog.  As that would go.  Things.  You could be looking into.  You could be supposing.  “I just want to be left alone to write.”  What people might say.  If they found out about you.  How that would ~have to go.  People’s reputations on the line.  For who they recommend to readers.  Would anyone ~recommend you?  Is that what you’re looking into?  Ten thousand years?  Is that how it will go?  What you will consider / figure?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  If I were to.  Masochism.  The dream of the dentist.  Why would you call it a “dream”?  It can be experienced like one.  If you have the DT.  If you’re responding to DT.  Then, as you would.  As you could.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.

As it happens.  What you would have to do.  To be a philosopher.  Going up against Brandom?  I don’t think you’d stand up, in the comparison.  You can barely read a single page.  He can go fluidly for over an hour.  What you figure.  How wordy he is.  How dense and condensed you are.  What you figure.  Different things.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Things you have going on.  If you were going to figure this out.  If you were going to figure out reality.  Philosophy.  What you’re reading, on Kindle and in real books.  How much you red today.  How much you’ve ~ever read. 

What happens.  What you’d have to be doing.  To be dreaming.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  This is how it happens.  How you figure / consider.  Can you even ~understand Brandom / philosophy?  You’d go up against him?  In what world?  What do ~you have to say?  Not much, usually.  Things are as they should be.  Brandom is powerful.  I’m poor and struggling.  This is just as it should be.  In the world.  This is the choice we’ve all made.  To get here.  Being poor is a choice.  Being rich is a choice.  I simply didn’t make the right choices.  In my life. 

Jessica Moss – Yale, Princeton, then teaching at Pitt, and Oxford.  Perfection.  That kind of perfection.  “Dry” writing?  Maybe philosophy ~should be dry.  If you think about it.  If you think about what philosophy actually ~does.  What it’s useful for.  They didn’t want to give you A’s.  Maybe you’re not esoteric enough.  You’re more exoteric.  That is a lesson it’s been painful to learn.  People aspire to esoterism.  They don’t realize.  That you want to be ~understood by readers.  What you’d consider. 

Things you’re carrying around.  I’m barely even alive.  Barely even out of the hospital.  Maybe they ~shouldn’t have given me A’s.  Maybe I ~don’t belong in the Academy.  This is what I think.  It’s good to get a reality check.  A reality dosage.  What you do, what you consider.  Penis games are excellent preparation for a future hip hop recording artist.  As you would consider.  As you would figure.  How complex / simple.  What you were engaging.  What you were supposing.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you do.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What we have to choose / decide.  If you were going to.

As it would happen.  Whatever a philosopher is.  Scanning.  How much you can read, in a day.  If you turn to scanning.  Instead of carefully reading.  More doing it to get the text into speech memory.  Like a jazz musician would approach muscle memory.  You have a different task ahead.  If you wanted to be a philosopher.  I don’t think so.  You’re more a “writer”..  Like your film work.  It’s popular, exoteric.  You’re not smart enough to do the philosophy, the esoteric stuff.  They wouldn’t ask you to give a lecture.  That’s not what you’re useful for.  They should be lecturing ~about you. 

What you consider.  Suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just go.  I just be.  How good Brandom is.  Was, already, at Yale.  Then Princeton, then Pitt.  How good he is now, 38 years into professing.  What you’re capable of doing.  What you’re capable of creating.  I think.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As that would work.  As you would happen to the world.  To the Pitt philosophy department?  I’m not sure about that.  What you’d suppose.  How they’d grade you.  Undergrad, you couldn’t get A’s.  What about grad?  Not a good picture.  You have to write a book.  That is your task.  Project.  Not to get another degree.  The degree is more for socially acceptable thinkers.  You weren’t always acceptable.  Maybe now you’re trying to be.

This is what happens.  The world ~is as it ~should be.  Isn’t that a bit arrogant, a bit idealist?  I guess it would be idealist.  The real world is the ideal world.  Everything is going according to god’s plans.  How could God be thwarted?  This is what happens.  I am not ~adjacent to the Holocaust.  It is a world-fact, but it is not one of my life-facts.  I cannot take it as a basis of my philosophy.  That might be solipsistic.  Saying that everything in the universe is David-relative.  Maybe that’s the key to David Theory.  A ~self has to be known and explored.  You cannot get beyond the self, even.  The self is the most important thing there could be.  Of course the world matters.  (To the selves)… My project is to enlighten myself and as many other people as I can.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  Things you have going on.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  This is what happens.  In your life.  In the life of God.  God lives ~everyone’s lives.  Everyone who is aware of this.  Only a God could be conscious.

The only thing we really know.  About the neuro-net.  It’s a network.  Magical?  Spooky stuff?  Computer.  How do you run your system?  Philosophy is simplistic, repetitive, and wordy.  Predictable.  You’re going for Enzo levels of quality.  True Enzo levels.  Hard to believe.  That you would push it that far.  What we do.  What we consider.  Monkeys can drink beer and fuck.  Rational.  Your voice, your language.  What happens.  What we suppose.  If we were to.  As we were to.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  How am I going to write a book?  If not by ~writing?  I have to do it..!  Write..!

What you have going.  I guess.  I could go either way – fiction or philosophy.  Or ultra-fictional philosophy.  I suppose that is my strong point.  Play to your strengths.  If you don’t have a fictional bone in your body.  Maybe DeLillo takes care of the novel readers.  He does it just fine.  Maybe people might be into a slightly ~different modality, from time to time.  UFP might be what they’ve been looking for.  Just because no one has done it.  Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.  Is it like fiction, or like philosophy?  “Fiction.” 

This is what I consider.  Easy.  What I have going on.  Easy in a sense, to improvise writing.  Perhaps not in the sense, to collect hundreds of pages together, change the names, and edit it.  Maybe that took a little doing.  And Heliosophy had some crafted pieces.  It wasn’t just improv.  You figure, you consider.  What you have going on.  If you’re “flying”, not falling.  You don’t want to fall.  It hurts, to fall.  To hit the ground.  Better to fly.  Better to not hit the ground.  What you have going on.  The tapping away on the keyboard, all day long.  What does ~that do for you?  This?  I guess you have to figure it out.  You have to find out.  What world you’re exploring.  What world you’re showing people a glimpse of.  I guess. 

I don’t know, I just suppose.  What I’ve come to expect.  How I’ve come to consider.  What you have going on.  As it were.  As you would.  What you could eventually learn to write, to make.  If given enough time.  If given unimaginable lengths of time.  Then, you might write.  You might come to write.

That's the thing.  If you write.  As you were to write.  As you were to ~become a writer.  Writers write, coders code.  This is what happens.  If you wanted to get good at it.  What you’d have to do.  I think it’s clear, what you’d have to do.  Pretty clear.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would go, as it would happen.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just try to do my best.  What we figure / consider / suppose.  Multiple-slash-distinctions.  Multiple choice, choose your own adventure.  As it would happen.  If you really are going to write.  What that would mean.  How you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What that would mean.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Tic’s, automatic thinking, repetition.  It’s seemingly what you’re in for.  I guess it’s better than writer’s block.  I guess you’d rather be writing.  I just wanted to ~write.  I didn’t care so much ~what.  How bad you would have to become, to be a writer.  How careful with what you say or do.  If you were going to be ~that careful, about everything.  I think it might do good things for you. 

As that would happen.  What you were thinking about.  What you were doing.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  This is what you’d consider.  If you were to write.  How serious you’d have to get, about your shit.  Not going to Gerd’s.  Not relapsing on drugs and alcohol.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  What you’d consider / figure.  I guess.  I could be writing almost anything.  That’s how it works.  How you’d suppose.  I’m not sure – not really.  How careful you ~could be.  If you wanted to.  About everything you said or did.  Or thought.  What that kind of practice would lead to.  How that would make you feel.

As that would go.  As you would handle it.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess, I don’t know.  The ~act of writing.  What you’ve been considering.  All this time.  As if.  The truth of you.  Your truth.  If you were going to write it.  Or like a map and its territory, change the map.  Erase a town from the territory, because you don’t like it.  Change the map.  Is that what you do when you write a book?  Work on it, edit it, craft it.  What you’d have to do, have to consider.  I guess.  I like the ~feel of writing.  I like the feel of typing.  It is very satisfying.  What you do.  What you consider.  Aren’t you supposed to be able to enjoy yourself?  Godfried sucks.  That was the exact thought I had, listening to them.  Better not to say it out loud.  Better to pretend to like Magnetic Pulse.

As you would suppose.  I guess.  If I were to.  Lie about what I’m doing.  “Chilling out, reading…”  Not writing?  What are you writing?  UFP?  Why is it fictional?  Why not just philosophy?  Why does it have to be “fictional”?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  The pressure.  Can beat down on you.  POP.  What’s the pressure like?  I’m going crazy, or having a nervous breakdown.  I get obsessed with calling Resolve and going inpatient.  This is what it means.  For you to.  If you were to.  Different things.  What this kind of pressure could be all about.  Should be all about?  I guess.  If I were to decide to be a writer, and follow through with the proper steps.  How difficult that could be.  If you listen to Lucas.  What Lucas said.  Then.  But why should you listen to a VA Tech English instructor, unpublished?  Because of the soul involved? 

Being unpublished isn’t negative.  Considering that it’s almost impossible to get published.  In the world.  As you’d figure / consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like.  This is almost exactly how it would go.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  I’m not sure.  Not really. 

I guess, if you were to write.  What that would be like.  For you.  If you don’t want to talk about your writing.  Ashamed, shy?  Is that what a writer should feel?  Maybe if he has written certain types of books.  Five.  And posted them online, with advertisement.  Maybe then.  It’s just your own consciousness – what could be bad?  What could go wrong?  You’re in your mind.  Everything you see, is a model in your mind.  If it’s just your own mind.  Philosophy of mind.  Do you have a bad philosophy of mind?  To be getting that much anxiety about a flashback?  Seems like no matter what I do.  Seems.  Explosive.  Like I’ve been turning on to some explosive energy.  Keep my eyes open, or closed.  How could you relax, with this happening?  Depends what you think is happening. 

That would depend.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would.  If you could.  If you had any of that going on.  What that would mean for you.  To be on that “level”, continuously, for years or decades.  What that would actually mean.  For you.  If you.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How much money you have, how cheap you are.  How generous you are, how profound.  Can people talk about themselves this way?  Are you allowed to say something on your behalf?  As they lock you up.  Locked and loaded.  What we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What you’d do, how you’d become.  In the end.  If.  As, if.  In the end, you were to.  If you would.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  How that would go.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  It should.  It does.  If this is the quality material you’re talking about.  I thought you were talking about “high qual” material?  Where would that come from?  How would that originate?

When a certain type of scan happens.  Good to write.  ~Use the energy.  It’s ~energy.  It can be used, like it’s a drug.  What you’d figure / consider.  If you wanted to.  As you wanted to.  What we have to suppose.  If we were going to.  See things with this clarity.  How ~clear you could possibly get.  Looking into certain points.  “Certain” points?  Why are you certain?  What are you certain of? 

How does that work?  Do you have anything to report?  At this stage of the game?  Is it a game?  Or a race.  Race to the end.  Who can go farthest… What you’d naturally think.  It’s just natural..?  Is this what you’ve been up to?  In the sort of life you’ve been living?  Can that be known?  Why you’d lie to Mrs. Cousins about reading and writing.  Ashamed of writing?  Is that really what’s going on here?  People you could read.  Books you could be turned on to.  As you would consider.  As you would figure.  Able to write.  If one were able to write like you can apparently write.  What would that mean, exactly?

As it were to.  If you were to.  Things.  Going wrong – or going ~right.  You have to have a little faith.  In your situation.  If it’s God’s grace.  Then, you might consider – you might figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What we were going to consider.  In the end.  If.  As such.  If such.  Who would say that?  Only David?  I guess.  They’ve said my name a lot, and my brother’s name.  What you do.  If you were to.  How you would go about that.  Enslaved to society?  Is that what you’ve decided to be?  Not willing to publish ANM UFP anymore?  Because of the supposed retaliation?  ~Would people retaliate?  If their whole system, their whole way of life, were threatened?  This is what I think about. 

Disguised Thought.  If you want to ~think differently – you might have to ~talk differently.  Where you came from.  The boys.  Gerd, and Gerd’s place.  People, places, and things.  How close you come.  How easily you get triggered.  Even with your flashbacks.  That intense, that tweaked-out, and you’d ~still consider smoking.  Hard to believe.  Maybe you ~do need the program.  Maybe more meetings ~would be key.  If you were to consider / suppose.  How that would go.  If, in the end.  As such.

 


 

 

 

Sobriety Warrior

 

 

As that would happen.  Almost ~exactly like.  Looking into, here, who exactly we’re helping.  To “do” this – do like it’s a drug.  Ideas are drugs.  You’re obviously on some mind-altering substance.  Number one.  Didn’t they hand out rose-tinted glasses at Mt. Lebanon?  Maybe I refused my pair.  Or maybe I never took off my pair.  I’m able to see a wonderful world.  If you were to look into, exactly what’s happening, to everyone.  “Everyone”?  Who is important?  In this world?  Set up for?  Set up for X, Y or Z.  This is what we do.  What kind of world you see.  How that would go. 

If you were going to.  Write.  What type of thing were you writing?  Primal terms..  Why do you use so many Primal terms?  Janov doesn’t have a monopoly on the truth.  He doesn’t want to help schizophrenics.  Who need continuous help.  I would think he’d be interested in mental illness.  Maybe he knows he can’t compete.  And the outcomes for schizophrenics are so bad.  He wants good outcomes.  So he cherry-picks his patients.  Only neurotics.  How hard is it to treat neurotics?  This is what you figure.  What you consider.  How that’s “spelled”…. Like it’s a spell.  Voodoo.  Some sort of magic potency.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Who you could be into detaching from.  Gerd.  How you could want to move on.  Knowing what kind of music he’s into.  Certain knowledges, certain forces.  How that would go.  Whose should’s are we using now?  A certain person’s?  Your very own?  This is what happens.  What ~would (could, should) happen.  What should we say, at certain points?  How should that go?  The level of mastery.  This is what happens.  What we suppose.  I guess.  I would guess.  If it were up to me.  Then.

Scanning.  What you’re doing.  Scanning yourself.  If these are scans that all take place in your imagination – what could be the problem?  With yourself?  What exactly is the “danger” you’re talking about?  If these scans are just inner scans..  Then you’d simply be detecting yourself.  Your “self”… What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not actually.  What might actually happen.  Seems to be a lack of linguistic pressure, to your state, lately.  Not as much linguistic pressure.  I’ve felt pressure of language before.  I seem to have worked my way beyond (most of) it. 

Go to uni?  Why would I want to do that?  To meet with people “on my level”?  Can’t I simply go to Hillman, to do that?  Do I need to be in actual classes with them?  I think, by the way you’re looking into some of these points… I could imagine.  I might imagine.  What I’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  Don’t “know” – that’s why I write UFP.  I really have almost no clue, in fact.  Almost no clue, as to the “reality” of what’s happening.  I think I’m honest about this.  Or I should be.  Some of the “points”, you’ve looked carefully into.  “Into” – like you ~owe them… To who do we owe this?  Who exactly are you talking about?  Who exactly ~are you?  Do you know that?  Is this like one of the things you’re unsure of?  Who you are?  “Are”…?  How could anyone know that?  How does anyone know anything?  Is that a tic you could use?  Be using?  Developed in the line of.  As such / such as.  Who would say that?  Who ~exactly would say that?  Focus.  What is the “focus” of your thinking?

What do you have going on?  Light at the end of the tunnel… There is light.  You can see.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  Keep telling yourself that.  Keep reminding yourself of the reality.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I would just suppose.  Don’t kill yourself.  You’d be depriving a future self of life.  Many future selves.  Suicide would be like murdering an infinite number of future selves.  Certain treatment team.  What they could be thinking of.  Should be thinking of?  If you were to?  As you were to?  Different things.  I guess I'm free.  I can do whatever I want.  That should count for something.  What you figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know – not really.  This is what happens.  In your life.  If Emily doesn’t want to be friends with you on FB.  That’s her choice.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.

As that would go.  If you were to.  “Maybe you’ve thought of this before…”  But… Should / would / could we be worried, when we see this?  If you were going to.  What insights you’d have.  After an experience like that.  Could you be taught to mimic this?  Could a trained mime mimic your behavior?  Certain doctors, could have known, all along?  What we were looking into.  If we were looking this far into.  Thus far.  Many people would have the ability to say that.  As you would consider.  If you would consider.  What are you thinking about?  Exactly?  Why exactly, are you the first “type”?  Why would that be?  Why would you classify it as “certain” knowledge?  Scanning people’s eyes.  For this type of behavior.  What we should do, if we were to notice.  Scanning.  Any amount of rolling.  If we were to notice.  As you would go, as you would imagine.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  Like you could be considering.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.

What you’d figure.  If you were “stupid crazy”…  Different ways they’d have of using language.  At their age.  If you were to date them.  At their age.  What they were capable of seeing / doing.  How close you would have to come.  To get to it.  Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Still haven’t learned your lesson?  Even after all that?  Still judging your books by their covers?  What you do, what you consider.  As that would happen.  If you were going to speak to people on your own level.  What level they’d have to be on.  To look you in the eyes.  How that would seem.  If she was looking straight at you.  With no excuse, except your dorky adventure vest, proving you’re a dork. 

This is what happens.  What would happen.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like.  It’s almost ~exactly like…  You would get tired of this tension.  You would develop an interest in the opposite sex.  A woman would be able to attract you.  If that was possible.  If that would be possible.  It begins to seem.  Like you have no hope.  Hope, or dopamine?  Could you have a problem with your neuro juices?  The neuro juices could be out of whack.  Why?  Too much to deal with.  Exactly that, could make you feel insane.  How crazy that would feel.  If you were to do exactly that. 

Then.  I figure.  You might want to.  You would want to.  If you were going to tic or loop.  If your language ability was on that level.  What “level” are you on?  She seemed like she got it, briefly, while you shared a look.  You weren’t forgiving enough, to offer her your hand.  Where are you ladies from?  What are your majors?  What are your names?  Can I have one of your numbers?  This is how it would go.  In that kind of life.  “Type”… I think you can do just as well out in reality.  You don’t need online dating.  You can do just as well.  What you’d figure.  Consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just suppose.  You could go to a show.  You could go for a walk.  Any number of things.  Are open to you.  But.  You choose to stay in and watch movie.  Good choice?  Maybe.  Depending on what you were getting into.

Well, what you were going to do.  How you were going to ~use your “imagination”… That’s a good question, isn’t it?  For what girls?  For what women?  Don’t judge the book by its cover.  You forgot about that, again.  You can’t forget.  Not if you want a good outcome.  The outcomes in schizophrenia aren’t very good.  Usually.  That can be said.  That much can be said.  If you figure, if you suppose.  Then, what you might want to do.  However closely you had looked into learning the language.  Immersion.  However closely that would be.  What you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  That’s all I have to contribute.  Not much verbiage, now.  Today.  As it would go.  As you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  UFP?  Is that what I’m in the middle of setting up?  I think that’s how it would have to go.  What you’d have to do.  If you were going to be a good philosopher.  You’d have to find other good philosophers.  And join a conversation.

If you ~were a writer.  What that would mean, for you.  What you’d have to do – what you’d ~want to do.  I guess we all have things we’re interested in.  But as a writer, you’d have to almost be obsessed with text.  Text would have to be your dream.  You would have to dream in text.  If a writer is what you want to be.  Or what you ~think you want..  Maybe it’s just the easiest job you can imagine.  Like philosophy was the easiest major.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would imagine.  Text.  It would have to become ~key – you’d have to have a special relationship.  That’s the thing.  If it’s ~dead to you, you’re not a good writer.  If text is just dead.  What does that say about your imagination?  The reinvention of yourself..  You need to reinvent yourself.  Revolutionize. 

In a sense.  You have to do it in public.  Well – this isn’t exactly “public”… This is your private work.  No one ever has to see it, even if they actually eventually do.  What do you think about?  As a writer?  What is that like?  Do you even know?  How serious about your shit would you have to get?  Are you serious about your shit?  How could we tell?  If something like that happened?  If you ~became serious.  Whatever that means.  As you might consider.  I think you could decide to get serious.  That would have to be a conscious decision.  You can’t just roll into it, relax into it.  You’d have to make it happen.  That’s what I think, today.  Other days, could be thinking other things.. 

I don’t really trust Facebook.  I’ve noticed some mysterious deletions of my posts.  I think I may be being targeted.  Unless they are so big they’re buggy.  That could be the case.  What you do – what you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Writing should be like ~dreaming, for you, as a writer.  You should get ~that good at it.  You should want to get that good at it.  Like dreaming.  Dream Telos.  Different Talking.  Maybe to ~write differently, you have to think differently.  What were you trying to think about?  The poets write their verse, and “the ladies write their eyes.”  At least that’s how I heard the lyric.  What you were writing, just in your imagination?  A “safety issue”?  Because?  Things people actually said?  Looking to one “side” or another?  This is what you consider.  I like to do it sitting down.  Would you want anyone else to have to deal with him?  “No.”  Decisions you could have made.  Like. 

Certain doctors might want to get a look at this.  Psychiatrists.  Follow me.  Where you’d be following me.  How close they’ve looked into my “I’s”… Eyes.  What that would mean.  Certain points.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Just as you were going to.  I guess.  I’d have to write.  I’d have to figure.  Consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Pittsburgh.  The Pittsburgh mentality might get you into trouble.. What you were thinking about.  How that would go.  If women had looked into you.  They have – they do.  I ignore them.  I’m not sure why.  I don’t know exactly why.  That’s how I’d figure it.  How I’d consider it.  If I were to.  As I were to.  “Not Starbucks..”  Smiling at her.  Sorry, can’t help you.  This is what happens.  What we’d figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  How you would.  If you would. 

What you have going on.  SI.  Fairly hopeless.  Not fearing a good outcome.  Not being able to imagine a good outcome.  I guess.  I suppose.  This is what I’d do, what I’d consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Go through your tic’s.  If that’s what you have going on.  Not much else happening.  At least not in your life.  Gotta keep David happy.  We don’t know what would happen if he wasn’t happy.  I guess.  Violent reactions.  Do you experience any violent movements?  What we consider.  How we suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I thought he was drilling into the wrong tooth.  I don’t know why I’d be afraid of that.  You’d think after Sarge Aitkens, I’d be able to handle some tooth drilling.  Maybe not.  Maybe I’ve been sensitized.  Conditioned to be this way.  What is your programming telling you to do in this situation? 

“Maybe you should go to bed.”  “Maybe.”  Aren’t I welcome to snooze on the couch in the evening?  This is what happens.  How you’d figure / consider.  If you were going to write things like that.  I don’t think it matters, anymore.  You have no option.  You have reached the land of no choice.  The realm of no-choice.  You’re finally there.  Nothing left to accomplish / experience.  The pearl god?  If that was your theory?  Then would you have anything to worry about?  If the god had intervened in your life?  Then what would the problem be?  Is there a problem?  Didn’t think it would work out like this.  Didn’t think this is what would happen.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you’d figure / consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  We have a way of breaking the copy protection on that.  This is what I consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Things.  You could consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose. 

Going to become a computer scientist?  Going to become a pro musician?  A professor of literature?  A fiction writer?  An academic?  A tutor?  An IT expert?  All wrong choices, somehow.  Once you realize this.  Different things.  Questions you might have asked.  Details you’re sensitive about.  This is how that would go.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Things I could have revealed that I was going to talk about.  “We don’t want you talking about that.”  “That.”  The uncomfortable topic.  It seems.  It seems like.  Anyone here?  Any topic?  What you could discover.  Philosophers ~create the truth – it is not there to be discovered.  What you’ve written.  What you wrote today.  As strong as your illness is.  Thinking of the garbage bag.  Resolve.  Time to go in.  Had enough freedom.  Not feeling very well. 

Want to kill myself?  Is that a real feeling?  Or more of an intrusive thought?  Hopeless, about my future. 

There are some pressures, I’m working against / with.  The NM.  ANM stuff is kind of rare / exceptional.  Your qualifications.  What you consider.  As though.  In that.  As such.  Such as… The code word for God.  God – think of that concept.  Him / her / it.  What did you say about God.?  Called him the worst name in the book?  A ~personal god, a personal relationship with god, for everyone.  Yes, the whole world gets your sites, but Pittsburgh has to deal with ~you.  What we consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  That’s hearsay.  Just because you say they’re doing drugs there… Doesn’t mean.  We can’t go on that.  Things, Dinge.  You could be considering.  As such.  Code word for Asa?  Code word for Bethel?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I would simply have to suppose.  If I were to, as I were to.  What do the tic’s “say”?  Is there a message, to fragments?  I guess.  Perhaps.  It’s what you want to think about.  What you want to think.  You could have.  Going on.  What kind of “time” you’re looking at, listening to.  People might naturally want to know.  Might naturally wonder.  “People”..

What goes on.  Mind-expanding experience.  What you would consider as.  If you would suppose.  “Sometimes to get closer to people, you can go farther away.”  What we’d have to consider.  As we were to.  As we were to imagine, what that would be like.  I guess.  I don’t know.  You begin.  Different things.  You could be considering.  As you chat on philosophy IRC.  As you interact with other people.  Claiming, or not, to be computers.  What that would be like.  Talking to real Germans.  Not understanding half of what they say.  So why bother.  Until you can ~understand the language.  I wouldn’t go back to a meetup.  Just listen to the radio, if you want a clue on how little you can understand.  Or read a book.  If you’d like to know.  As you’d like to know.  What you could have said.  As you could have said.  Almost like.  It would be almost exactly.  God? 

Suicidal.  Do you feel better today?  Yes.  Not as suicidal.  Still, a bit.  I don’t know what that’s about.  My project.  The nature, the schizophrenic nature.  Then you’d realize.  You’d almost have to realize.  If you were to. 

What you would have to realize.  Realizing how difficult it is, to talk about certain things, with certain people.  Starting to gain an appreciation.  What my parents must have gone through.  That took soul.  What you could write.  A crushing blow to my ego.  A wonderful learning experience.  As you’d figure.  As you’d suppose.  Leave like a fugitive.  What you’d figure.  How you’d suppose.  How much you actually don’t know.  Are you willing to practice?  Willing to put yourself in learning situations?  That’s what I’d have to realize / suppose.  If I were to.  As I were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As you’d consider.

What you do.  As it happens.  This is happening, to you, now, here.  I guess you should be grateful.  You ~get the chance.  You get to write.  You ~got the time to read, to learn, and even to write, to invent.  Not everyone is given the time.  The chance.  Time is the most valuable thing you can give a mind.  I guess.  Society.  The tip of the needle.  What we could be on to.  I guess.  I guess.  I’m not entirely sure.  Trying to hear the beauty in music.  To appreciate the recording / engineering.  Enough with Doug.  Freak, paranoid asshole.  More sad and tragic than evil and stupid.  Just a paranoid freak.  I don’t need to add to that.  Not what I need.  I guess.  I just suppose.  I get, I do.  What I’m doing, what I’m supposing.  This is me.  Here I am.  Good music.  Some of the best music.  I think.  You would ascertain, you would surmise.  Also let them take film and post to Youtube or Instagram.. I guess.  I don’t know.  That’s what I’d recommend.  I guess she didn’t want to entertain thoughts like that.  Her choice, her feed.  People have power over their own feeds.  That’s one place in life you can have power.  Your Facebook feed.  I guess. 

What you consider.  Considering.  As you would suppose.  Do you have to care?  Do you have to do anything?  Business-as-usual – if you’re going to defend that, there’s really no reason to live or to change or to hope for a world.  If you’re satisfied with how things are going.  Who would be like that?  The rich.  If you’re ultra-rich, though, I would think you’d still have compassion and intelligence.  You’d, even in that situation, want the world to change, for the poor people.  Most of the Earth pop, who are impoverished.  What we try to do.  What you think of doing.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  Things you could imagine.  Suppose.

What you have going on.  What could be the case.  If you were a writer.  Willing to stand up for the poor / the workers.  On Facebook.  Then I would imagine.  I would simply imagine.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  Could I be wrong?  Capital-ism, the obsession with capital.  Social-ism, the preoccupation with the social.  Is that what these words really mean?  Could I be wrong?  Could I be barking up the wrong tree?  Certain philosophers.  None of whom I really follow.  Not even Adorno.  I have to go my own way.  Travel my own path.  Do I have a hope for a better world?  If TINA, there is no alternative, why do anything?  Why would there be any hope?  I guess.  I just suppose.  I just consider.

As it would go.  Back pain.  Not bad, unless you expect it to hang around a lot in the future.  I guess.  Things I could consider / suppose.  Different things.  You might be expecting to have to deal with. 

As it would happen.  As you would consider.  Different things.  Things you could have going on.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  What you have, suppose / consider.

As it would happen.  As you’d suppose.  If you, as you.  Things.  Things you could be doing.  In the world, in reality.  What you have to consider.  Why would anyone do anything?  That is a basic question.  Fundamental.  Key element of ~humor.  How it would go.  How you would think.  You ~would think of it.  I think.  If you wanted to be the first, only, most.  That might be difficult.  How exactly would that feel?  To you?  Or the people who care for you?  Is this what happens?  What you suppose?  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What I write.  High-speed philosophy production?  Are you supposed to be able to crank out philosophy?  UFP, maybe.  Depending how much you’ve thought about it.  I think it’s hard to even ~define consciousness.  No reply.  No comment.  I guess I didn’t want to see where that statement would lead.  Why I’m not a good academic philosopher.  Obviously.  Your sense of humor.  Would obviously preclude.  If they were to know.  About your humor.  “Your hair is very short.”  What we consider.  A certain brother.  Kept in the dark.  Why is it easier to look into dark points?  Because you can see all the colors?  This is what happens.

 

 

 


 

 

Resin

 

 

Inserting text into the flow.  What you ~want to write.  Not what other people would want you to.  You have to get control over yourself, as a writer.  Self-control of an almost divine intensity.  Yes, solipsism.  Insanity, delusion.  Maybe couldn’t have been avoided.  Given.  Your philosophical development.  Schizophrenic philosophy.  What you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  If you were able to be rational, reasonable.  In your philosophy.  I think you might have developed some writing intensity.  Some writing power / skill.  Now, which you can use however you want to, obviously.  No job, schizophrenia.  I’m normal though – not weird.  What we’d discover.  What we’d suppose.  I went to the schiz conference, and got a flashback.  From doing nothing wrong.  They must just happen.  You must have no choice in the matter.  Even though it ~seems like you do.  After one begins, after one’s over.  You start to after-game play.  You start to use hindsight, and say you didn’t really have to have a bad flashback.  I don’t know how realistic that is.  Given, what you’ve done.  Insane talk / thought might trigger you – destabilize you.  You might have to be careful with what you think.  Self talk could be triggering you.  Insane self-talk.  Which you thought you needed, to reprogram your brain.  When really.  Your brain is doing just fine, as is.  No reprogramming necessary. 

Writing.  Maybe writing will be it.  Will have the answer, that you seek.  If reading is stressing.  Getting a bit stressed-out, by the reading.  I need to write.  I need to accomplish something.  Again.  This, here, now.  What I consider, what I figure.  You’d have to.  You’d almost have to.  If you were to.  If you were to consider something like this.  Then.  Then I think.  Your thoughts might slow to a crawl.  You might appear to be fixated on certain thoughts / points.  You could be said to have considered one point, your whole childhood.  “The doctors told us to leave you that way.”  I didn’t French kiss until I was seventeen.  What I could consider.  How fucked up I was.  Seeing Alexa Main in the supply room, not being able to talk to her, even though I was “going out” with her.  That’s how mental I was.  What is my sexuality like? 

Crack was very relaxing.  Effexor and Cymbalta were like that.  Relaxing.  Stroke risk.  My roommate at the group home taught me you could smoke your medicine.  It was not a good decision.  I laugh about it, now.  God only knows what it actually did to my lungs and brain.  What you’d consider, what you’d suppose.  I’ve been preparing all year.  This is a wonderful opportunity to get a group of doctors focused on my problems, which are substantial.  Dr. Stevens is my doctor, or rather he oversees the residents who act as my doctors for periods of one year.  In my case, to be a psychiatrist means to be a bit of a literary critic.  Since I’ve written four books about schizophrenia, philosophy, and addiction.  Which are freely available on my website, the unspoken yes dot com.  I should tell you about that.  No detail is unrelated.  It all ties together.

As you go.  As you’d get it together.  Things, I have going on.  I could imagine.  I could suppose.  What you have happening.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you had going on.  Where you come from.  Trying to write, here.  Tripping and falling.  Not careful, not looking down.  Looking all around.  What you’re doing.  The role you’re playing.  People far away, looking into your points.  Your eyes.  Points.  Selves.  What people might see.  What certain people might see.  If they were to look into your points.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What do I do, what do I think?  How is it to be me?  Exactly?  What would ~that feel like?  I guess I’m finding out.  Eventually, you figure it out.  I’m content.  I’m having a good time.  That is the constant, wanting intimacy.  Apart from that, things are going good.  What you do.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would go, as you’d happen.  What we think, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

What could be going on.  What could be happening.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Trying.  Why not write?  If you have nothing to write about?  Was I rude on the phone?  “I’ll let you get back to that [online stuff with Verizon]”…  I guess I’m not very nice, all the time.  What you’d be thinking.  What you’d be supposing.  If you were to, as you were to.  The real world.  Different things.  Almost exactly like.  It’s almost exactly like. 

I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Writing?  What could ~that be about?  Why would you want to do that?  I don’t know.  Boredom.  Nothing else to do.  Reached the “end of the line”… Reached completion of my project.  They’ve said so much, that now only a word is necessary, to get one of their points across.

What you consider.  If it would help.  What you’re depriving yourself of.  It.  He meant it.  He meant “tit”..  What we do.  I used to blame my parents for my problems.  I’ve forgiven them.  I realize it’s hard to talk about certain things.  How’s your relationship with your father?  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  If I were to.  As I were to.  Things.  I could.  Things I could be doing.  Not as into speaking German.  More into my own, real, voice.  What I can say in my Mother Tongue.  Sometimes it doesn’t work. 

Lying down and closing my eyes helps.  Why did you do LSD, if it makes you psychotic?  I was desperate about my tongue condition.  I would do anything.  Nothing seemed to work.  To dissolve the problem.  D-solve, David solve.  Solve the problem for David.  I thought once you were fixed, nothing would ever bother you again?  I guess it didn’t turn out like that.  It seems.  As it seems.  What the wiser voices say.  No one has the expertise.  “You’re dumb if you think we can get this to stop.”  Changing the time / display / settings.  It’s just a digital display.  Pressure like this.  For.  Exactly.  Rolling my eyes.  Why would he roll his eyes?  Then?  I don’t know.  Could it have to do with a certain problem, I could have been avoiding mentioning? 

It’s not exactly ~relaxing.  It’s a responsiveness, with my eyes and mind.  I’m responding to pressure.  You’re dumb if you think we can get pressure like this to just stop.  I guess.  I guess I’ve had some magical hopes.  Some magical belief.  Lying on a big mattress.  The best writers are the best liars.  Parents, lying?  Lucas and Noel, lying to them?  About how much they appreciated them?  It..  What exactly..  You could be getting into.  Looking at.  Once you know you’re at a certain point.  Then I think.  You should lie down.  I guess sometimes you’re looking for proof.  Sometimes you just don’t want to go to bed.  Writing.  What pressure like this.  On my mouth, my eyes.  Pressured to reveal.  You don’t have to answer this, but… Is there anything you could tell them?  That would help them, in their careers as physicians?  Obviously, with a problem as profound as psychosis, just talking to me isn’t going to help.  I needed medicine.  But the talking has helped a lot.  Getting insightful, compassionate responses to my situation has been extremely helpful. 

I realize that certain things can be hard to talk about.  “The addict you saw the other day committed suicide.”  What I imagine them.  As I imagine them.  What you could consider.  If you had no hope.  For life, I have hope.  Not near the garbage bag, now.  Not just yet.  Not quite.  Maybe later.  Although, I will say the condition can get kind of tiring.  As I would figure.  As I would consider.  What I would hope to listen to.  Be able to listen to.  Mars Volta, Mahler.  Different things.  Almost.  It’s almost exactly like.  You could have.  If you could have.  Headache.  From looking too long at one point.  Like LSD.  What you’d figure / suppose.  Different things.  Going on.  Like.  Such as.  You could.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  What you could consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Put journal in published works of fiction?  Ultra-fictional philosophy?  I guess that’s what I’ve done.

What I have going on.  What I’m doing.  Different things.  You could be.  Otherwise, when you typed facebook dot com, they would take you wherever they wanted to take you.  There has to be organization in the network, and in society.  We want to build a better society.  We need transparent communication.  They will give food stamps to starving people, in a real democracy.  It’s just how things are done.  We want to build better mousetraps – but what if ~society is the ultimate mousetrap?  If engineers would turn their powers on society and the world?  We almost have that in the United States.  But the modes of communication are owned by monopoly special interests.  What we consider.

As it would happen.  Even if you have nothing to write, you’re still a writer.  It’s still something you do, you want to do.  Even if you’ve exhausted the possibilities for expression.  I feel perfectly normal right now.  I might not feel so normal later this afternoon.  I’ve dropped out of all activities.  Only crucial things, like appointments and this.  What you’d consider.  I’m getting anxious about a possible move.  It seems like we cut it pretty close last time.  Within a few days of having to leave.  Is there any possibility of me moving this year?  I’m anxious.  What happens if he doesn’t cooperate again?  What could happen?  In the team meeting, didn’t we decide I should move?  Isn’t that the point of the team meeting?  Do you go on your notes, on what happened? 

This is what happens.  What we figure / consider.  I guess.  I could be doing almost anything.  Allowed to do almost anything.  Within your budget.  You don’t want to fly.  With this condition?  Might not be very comfortable.  Flashback on a plane, in the airport.  Not wise.  If you.  As you’d.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Repetitions / loops.  I think you were ~into looping..  The repetitious nature.  Natural hungers.  Unnatural hungers.  You’ve developed.  Have you developed random chaos?  Is that what you’re turning them onto?  The chaos of schizophrenia?  Or is it not really ~random.  There is an order to it, a rationality.  As to why you’d open or shut your eyes.  As to what your eyes could be up to.  Rolling.  Is this how you “roll”..?  Take your chances?  You’re just dumb if you think we can stop this.  I guess I’m out for an interesting ride.  Things.  You could consider.  As if.  If you were to.  As you were to.  As it would happen.  Things.  He might not come.  That’s a real possibility.  You may be waiting around for nothing.  You know Todd.  His methods.  What he would do, what he would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Considering.

This is how it goes – what would happen.  Exactly if.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things in your mind.  If you were able to talk / speak.  What would you talk about?  I’ve been continuously sober for seventeen months.  This is how it goes.  Addiction is a tragedy.  From the first time I got high, I was hooked.  I loved marijuana – it was like a dream.  I was never too into alcohol, but I got alcohol poisoning three times.  LSD poisoning once.  If you think about what you’re going to say.  Instead of just going in there with nothing prepared.  Took a PRN, hope for the best.  This is how it goes.  How you’d figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.

What you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  The types of tic’s you have going through your head.  The things that torment your imagination when you’re waking up in the morning.  Different things.  I guess.  I don’t really know, I just suppose.  I could be doing anything.  As it would go.  As you’d consider.  Different things.  Almost exactly like.  You’ve said this before.  Be “for”, be in favor of it.  What you’re “for”, what purpose you have / choose.  You choose your own destiny.  This is what I consider.  What I figure.  I suppose.  I don’t actually know.  Just.  Just what’s happening.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What I could have going on. 

Conversations with myself on IRC.  I think other people are there.  Or will be there eventually.  I’m kind of self-motivated in terms of philosophy.  I don’t need much encouragement to write.  I have a style I am going for.  A style of thought / work.  As you, if you.  What could be happening.  You get to the point where you’re writing.  You’re doing it again, just to do it.  You’re not trying to produce a text / work.  You’re simply writing to live.  Mental text.  The text of the mind.  What you have going on.  Could get more websites.  They could compete with your current sites.  Maybe just keep the current sites.  If you’re going to establish a web presence.  You don’t need a lot of different sites.  What you’d think.  A replica of my site thisfeel.com.  What you’d think.  If you were to.  As you were to.

What it could come to.  Better hold on to COA.  It could mean some income for you.  Yes, you could give it away.  Which might help you, non-financially.  How much “help” do you need?  What you consider.  What you suppose.  You have clear text, if you need a private book.  You could give them COA.  Maybe.  We’ll have to see about that.  If you actually think anyone will want to publish you.

As it would go.  It’s like music.  Your writing / site.  It’s like having a musical structure out there.  What you figure.  Give it to them.  Let them see.  Let everyone come and see.  Why should only certain people know the truth?  It’s fiction.  I have to reinforce that to you.  It’s fictional philosophy.  This stuff did not really happen, as such.  Maybe it’s stuff I ~wanted to have happen.  Poop your pants?  Why would you want that?  Just for the intensity.  The special intensity of this sort of life.  To your life.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  Different things, you could have going on.  Like giving them COA.  Just giving it away, outright.  Maybe necessary.  For your fame.  Eventual fame.  If that’s your plan / hope.  You need to get famous, before they’ll publish anything.  You need to do it on your own.

As you were going to.  Mixed feelings, about giving another book away.  Like a musical structure.  The world freely gives to me, why shouldn’t I give to the world?  How many people.  What you could be considering.  As you were to suppose.  Things, I could remember, from falling asleep last night.  Or not remember, as the case may be.  What was I thinking about?  Something about literature, no doubt.  Trying to get famous, so I can publish a book.  That is my plan.  Get famous on my own, so they’ll want to publish me.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you could do, consider.  As it were, as it would.  Tic’s.  Published works of tic’s.  Not common.  In there, and so forth.  As you’d consider.  As you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d do, what you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.

As it would happen.  As you go in for.  What you’d suppose.  These people, professors – hanging on to their jobs into old age.  To crack into that racket might not have been easy.  What you’d suppose.  If you were able to write X.  If they were to be interested in what you wrote.  Despite the bad grades, dropped classes, lack of recommendations.  What that would be like.  It might be easier to publish a book.  Easier in terms of you don’t need as much of an in with an inside crowd of academics.  Which wasn’t going too well for you.  I guess you have things to look into.  Like what you’re writing now.  As if you write.  As you write.  You do it. 
Actually.

As you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What you have going on.  As you could.  Famous?  That’s the goal / plan.  World fame.  If you’re afraid of that..  If you don’t allow that to happen… You have to allow it to happen.  If you don’t, you’ll never be able to publish a book.  That’s your analysis.  Continuing to analyze some of these points.  Points for continued analysis.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you’d figure / consider.  I guess.  I guess I enjoy writing like this.  Why else would I do it?  Why else would I engage in looping, repetitious behavior?  It must be somewhat enjoyable.  Somewhat radical.  I guess.  I feel a bit sick.  From being me.  Me, who has done this.  Written these books.  Put them freely online.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d consider.  How you’d figure.  Things.  A bit like.  It’s a bit like.  If you were going to.  No free I.T. work.  I don’t know how to install on a Mac.  I’d be just as clueless as you.  I would have to learn how to do it.  What we figure / consider.  If you were to.  You like to write.  There’s not much to write, at this point.

I guess.  What I learned, from today’s condition.  Key, for certain people in your household.  Meant to be shared in your household.  You didn’t understand the key point.  You seem to have misunderstood.  “The” key word can be any word.  Any day can be a key day.  They continually talk to me.  Through points like this.  For points like this.  How could you be so certain?  If you had looked as closely as possible, into..  Doing the best we can scientifically do.  White noise.  It wouldn’t ~really be random.  White noise.  It would be the most highly crafted, finely crafted material ever.  What you could be looking into.  The tension.  The attention.  Depends what you “use it” for.  Use, like a drug.  Like ideas can be your drugs?  Wrong.  He was wrong, on many memorable points.  All these characters seem to have been fairly wrong.  Except yourself.  You are the only one to trust.  What you’ve written.  It seems like, not “all the truth in one place”, but “the only truth out there”… No one else seems to have gotten it.  What we figure.  My contribution to the household.  What we consider.  Suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

As you were to.  If you were to.  Warnings, about this type.  Out.  As close as you could imagine, looking into your eyes.  What it’s like.  “It”… What type of condition do you have, actually?  Exactly what “type”?  What you could be considering / doing.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Trying to get famous.  How that would work.  Famous-for?  I guess.  I don’t know.  Unless I’m famous, I won’t be able to publish books.  That’s what I’ve considered.  What I’ve supposed.  I guess.  Trying to remember what I was thinking in last night’s flashback.  Bring it on.  At least they’re not boring.  Interesting.  Pressure.  What pressure like that could be doing for you.  You’ll get use to it.  You’ll get to use drugs to it.  I didn’t like being on two different meds… It felt like my brain was slowed to half speed.  What you’d consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t really know.  I just suppose.  As you.  If you.  If you’d want to go this far.  As far as you’d want to go.  As far as you’ve actually gone.  Things. 

Always is a key word for your mother.  Certain key words, for anyone in this type of household.  A schizophrenic household?  I don’t think he understands the nature of a clinical session.  If I was being recorded/watched, I don’t think I could get the same benefit from it.  I’d be self-conscious.  The clinicians might be self-conscious.  I don’t think it would work very well.  Recording changes the vibe.  The vibe is good, exactly how it is.  I know you’re curious about what a clinical session is like.  Maybe that’s the privilege I have, and the clinicians have.  We get to know.  Life depends on it.  Life and death.  I should tell you, I’m suicidal.  I should tell you, I’m the only person describing these things.  No one else seems to have them.  What we consider.  As we would suppose.  Different things.  Different.  As it would go.  As you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  Tormented by thoughts in the morning, waking up.  Enough to get me out of bed, I guess.  If you were totally chill, you’d just stay in bed all day.  You need some motivation, to get up.  What I figure.  What I suppose.

What you do, have done.  As it would go.  In this “type of situation”… Type.  What you’ve written..  What have you written?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would go, as it would happen.  h/s/ns/id/coa.  A fair amount of “work”..  That people could look into.  If they were to.  As they were to.  As it was going to happen.  If it was going to happen.  What you’d consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d consider, what you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  As I were to.  If I were to.  Different things, that could be going through your head.  One’s head.  One.  As you’d consider.  As you’d suppose.  What the tic’s in your brain have to say.  As your brain was ticking.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things I was thinking during last night’s flashback.  Trying to reproduce the thought pattern.  Want.  One.  Won.  Pressure, changing your mind.  Altering your mind.  What could be going on.  In your mind.  A bit stimulated.  A bit aroused.  They only have to say one little word.  Because they’ve said so much already.  Audible.  What you have to talk about.  What you have to consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.

The potency, the power, I feel.  Like I’m capable of anything.  A bit bipolar?  Not necessarily feeling high.  Just very, very powerful.  Verbally, sexually.  Like I could attract the women of my dreams.  Like I could finally connect.  Maybe this is what it takes.  Maybe you ~have to feel “good” to connect.  And with a sense of humor.  Women like men who can have a sense of humor about romance.  Getting all serious is a turn-off.  This is what I do, what I consider.  Could be the lack of masturbation.  Could be storing up my sexual energy.  Seeing how unattractive most women are.  Yet, not judging the books by their covers.  Can you tell anything from a woman’s form?  What we do?  How we appear?  How our bodies appear?  How we move through life / space?  I guess.  I don’t know.  Haven’t been writing as much.  Not as much.

Did nothing wrong today.  No cognitive errors.  And still – a flashback.  Maybe it ~isn’t about what’s happening cognitively for me.  Maybe these things just happen.  I can attenuate / delay them a bit.  By being careful as possible.  They can be delayed until evening.  Sometimes.  I guess this is how it goes.  If you were going to be a post-LSD schizophrenic.  How that sounds.  Janov.  Primal theory.  Lucas Sullivan.  What Lucas considered a “big” book.  It was a big book – important.  They don’t publish books this important anymore.  I guess.  Might be true.  Might be possible.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would think.  You would figure.

As you could, as you would.  After talking to Lucas.  I guess.  I don’t ~really know.  I just suppose.  What I could be writing.  The creation of a new world.  Schizophrenic creation.  How a new world would have to be created.  What you would think.  Might think.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would happen, as you would happen.  Things.  Leading to.  As it would.  As you were.  Back problems.  Nothing you can do about that.  Crazy.  Fully insane.  “In-sane”, in sanity.  Lucky you escaped in this good of a condition.  With that going on.  Full insanity.  With that going on.  As it would, as you would.  If you were to.  Be fully insane.  And escape unharmed.  Only social consequences.  Well, psychiatric consequences, also.  I guess.  Functionally disabled.  Not able to do things.  Not able to work.  Even go to psych rehab groups.  Too many triggers.  I would go, but I ~did go.  The flashbacks convinced me to ~stop going.  Maybe I’m meant to hang out at the apartment.  Not really meant to do a lot out in the world.  Recluse?  Is that the fate you’d design for yourself?  What you consider.  If you could go out.  Then I think you should.  If you’re doing better, why aren’t you returning to group?  Not that much better.  Just a little better.  I would go, I did go.  But the FB’s convince me to stop going.  Pretty convincing.  Convincing enough.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Less focus, on your problems?  Is that what you could be considering?  Is that really what would be best?  I’m not so sure.  I think the focus is good.  My problems need to be focused on.  Is that your main problem?  What is your main problem?  The fame / income / revelations?  How it will feel tomorrow?  To have this site up?  What that might feel like?  Online is meaningless?  It will never make a difference in the world? 

The suicidality.  I don’t know what to do.  Keep on truckin’ through.  “Press on.”  What you consider.  What you’d suppose.  If you were to, as you were to.  I guess – I don’t know.  Not really.  What I’d do.  What you’d have to do.  H/s/ns/id/coa.  With the COA, the new addition.  Makes me a bit anxious.  It’s just reality.  Ultra-fictional reality.  It’s just the truth.  Apparently I was interested in.  What you could become famous for.  If you could become famous.  Shitting your pants in first grade.  What people will actually pick out, from your text.  What they will actually focus on.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What I had to do.  To become famous.  What I almost ~had to consider.  To suppose.  I guess.

Code words for suicide.  Trying to find an alternative to suicide.  Coded nature.  “Is that audible” is not the right question to ask of a voice.  Sensitivity.  “What is the message?”, is the more correct question.  Because they ~are noticeable.  They come from the outside, even if they are not literally “audible”..  They are of the texture of consciousness.  You got it.  It worked.  It works.  A permanent solution?  Continual?  Response?  Continual problem for you?  Scandal?  Tomorrow?  In a very real tomorrow.  What could happen.  What you imagine happening.  In some very real, very strange tomorrow.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What.  I could have going on.  Codes.  What this could be referring to.  Coded structure, White Noise.  If you’d look into that.  Strange points. 

We’re enabling you.  “All they would have to do is ask me at the hospital, and I’d have to say what treatment I’ve been giving you.”  “They don’t have the expertise.  Maybe no one has the expertise.”  That’s what it looks like, right before a FB is going to happen.  That’s exactly what it looks like.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Certain solutions.  Permanent solutions?   That seems like a temporary solution.  To these points you’ve won.  For certain voices.  Imaginary?  Making this up?  Whose rules would you be breaking?  What are we looking at here?  Looking like here?

Solutions.  Dissolve.  D-solve.  You wished the problem would just dissolve.  It didn’t happen.  Magic.  You wished for magical solution.  Didn’t happen.  Now that you’re here.  You’re “there” – where you always dreamed of being.  You’re ~there.  Maybe not “here”..  This problem seems like it could dissolve, for you.  If you were to ask certain people for help.  Like you should have in the first place.  Where you want to “be”.. You’re placed.  You were put here.  Placed here.  You’re good at following directions.  Going where you’re told to.  This is what would happen.  This is how “that” would work.  “That” – a code word.  Code for breaking into the hospital?  Insanity has opened certain doors?  In certain walls?  For you?  To get to where you are today?  Where are we today?  What kind of condition?  Exactly, are we talking about. 

Maybe writing ~isn't a waste.  All the writing.  Maybe it helped me, in some way.  Get through the days, hours, minutes, years.  I guess.  What else is there to do?  Learn about computers?  Maybe.  Maybe that’s what I should be doing.  I like “the big picture”… Being able to ~appreciate the network.  What it does so well.  I like the big picture.  I don’t need to code.  Not yet, at least.  Not anymore, at least.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As we do, as we consider.  Go back to school for electrical engineering?  Physics, computer science?  I thought you already tried that stuff.  I don’t think it would necessarily work any better if you tried again.  If you want to learn about computers, learn about computers.  If you want to write, write.  You have ~time.  That’s the key, the gift.  The true gift of your life.

This is what we do.  What we consider.  I guess.  SI.  Makes me write.  I figure, Why not write, if I want to kill myself?  Maybe writing ~is useful.  Do I “want” to be a writer?  Do I want to “write”?  Hard to say.  I’m interested in computers.  But I don’t think I need to script.  I’m just a user, who has a theoretical interest in how they work.  If the brain is more complex than a computer, don’t you think you should understand how a computer works?  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  Reading about computers can be really addicting.  It gives you a rush, a buzz.  People have figured out some serious shit.  People are pretty serious about their shit.  Specialization.  What have I done?  Compared to the technical people?  Not much.  Some pervert journals.  Some gibberish philosophy.  Makes me kind of sad, really.  To know how much time I wasted, writing.  When I could have been learning about computers..

Names of god.  Baeka, the perl god?  Is that the best way to think about this?  What will people think about?  Is this what a group of strangers will interpret you as meaning?  A group?  I used to be able to function better.  How did you work that job with Craig?  I can remember it happening several times.  I guess it’s gotten worse, since then.  You could stop the supplements, and see if it gets better.  What we’d consider.  Suppose.  I guess.  I don’t really know.  Dual-phase schizophrenia.  Did you tell the doctors that?  I think I told Ida that last time I saw her.  I told the med students.  I get easily sidetracked, on tangents.  What you’ve been playing for the world.  What have we been looking into?  A standard dictionary definition of “into”… We just want the standard definition.  How could certain people have missed this?  Eye-opening energy like this?  Almost missed it?  Good at lying?  Dissembling?  The best writers are the best liars.  They “wrote” you.  To set this “right”… “Right”-ers.  To make right.  That’s what a writer does.  He or she makes something right.  You’d want to get this right.  After all that.  How carefully they must have looked into this.  What we should tell the parents, when they notice something like this.  “We” – who is “we”?  It would all be moot.  If solipsism.  Then the whole totality would be a moot totality.  Which would be a good title.  Conditions of Awakening.  What world were you creating?  Schizophrenia is for creating worlds.  That’s my analysis.  Your analysis.  Continual attention.  To certain points.  Doing time?  Looking at time?  What kind of time are you looking at?  They last a long time. 

 

 


 

 

Composite Informational Apparatus

 

 

Adorno no doubt listened to these composers – why shouldn’t we?  Habermas called Nietzsche and Adorno the “black” philosophers.  You can use your imagination on that one.  What we consider.  You won.  What that would mean, with TMJ disorder.  Maybe you ~don’t need to talk all the time.  Maybe in natural history, people weren’t necessarily in positions where they could blab all day long.  Maybe this restriction focuses you on saying better things.  See positivity.  Your thinking is very ambitious.  What we consider.  Wrong assholes.  They were all wrong, ultimately.  None of them wrote what I needed to write.  All assholes.  Like guitarists, with asshole tuning.  Not that you even play guitar, anymore.  But if you did, at least you’d be playing in Standard Alternate.  That’s one thing we can say.  As you’d consider.  COA.  What that book is all about.  If you were to wander about the apartment more often.  Not just sit like a couch potato.  What you have going on.  If you ultimately were able to formulate this.  Your books of ultra-fictional philosophy.  What that would mean for you.  For the world.  The biggest literary event, ever?  Nice fantasy.  But, maybe true.  There is ~already DeLillo, Pynchon, Benjamin, Adorno.  You don’t need to reproduce that stuff.  It’s already there.  Good to realize.  Good to realize what’s been done.  If you were going to go in for an advanced degree.  The shit they’d make you read, the shit they’d make you write.  Good that you seemed to avoid that fate.  This current fate is the ultimate.  Able to write h/s/ns/id/coa.  Not many positions would have allowed you to write this stuff.  So in that sense, you won.  In the sense of being a writer.  What a writer like you would want.  To publish free-form sophistry.  If that’s your deal.  What you secretly want to accomplish.  Why are you pretending that your eyes aren’t rolling, as highly as possible?  Why would you pretend, at “certain” times?  It’s embarrassing.  To be seen rolling.  Maybe the eyes like to move around.  When you’re out, rolling, maybe you should give in to a full eye-roll occasionally.  To get it out of your system.  You have perceptual errors, and errors of analysis, and your actual cognition is dysformed.  If your cognition was okay, you wouldn’t really mind the perceptual problems, the “messages”.  But when your cognition alters, the messages can be disturbing.  They have direct access. 

You seemed to have gotten a lot out of your interactions with your treatment teams.  Yes, I have.  Did he say that before or after I talked about the code, and breaking the code?  Doesn’t matter.  They can tell by looking at you.  Scanning, in a sense.  What they would be scanning for.  I feel perfectly normal right now.  Later this afternoon, it might not feel so normal.  What you’d think.  As you’d suppose.  As you’d consider.  How many hits.

What you would do.  If you, as you.  As you were to.  If you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Different things.  As closely as they might be looking, tomorrow.  What does “tomorrow” code for?  What is your schizophrenic code?  Can it be broken?  Does it keep changing?  No matter how well I rationalize or analyze, a FB hits me pretty hard.  It doesn’t seem to matter what realizations I had last time.  The past realizations, no matter how complex, don’t help.  It could be a health process.  Not boring, at least.  A disease process might not be boring, either.  What you consider.  FB’s.  How that would go.  Exactly how that would go.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you have to do, to consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I don’t really know.  Free-form sophistry.  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  What you’d think.  A clean website design.  As few extraneous words as possible.  What is my comment on the book?  Does my comment matter?  If I’ll get famous-for?  Famous for what?  Writing these five books?  And no others?  Seems like you’ve “done it”.

As you begin to.  What could you have done differently?  To avoid today’s FB?  I don’t think you ~could have done anything differently.  That’s the thing.  No matter how careful you are.  Everyone, all the time.  Going out triggers me.  The scanning.  If they were scanning for you.  What would they do when they found you?  Are they really scanning for “you”?  Who?  Everyone, all the time?  Then what is your response, to that?  Just be yourself.  That’s all you can really do.  As long as your back doesn’t hurt, things are good.  Don’t stretch and stress your back.  Don’t hyperextend.  Just make normal, safe movements.  What you consider.  As you’d suppose.  The stress an Olympic athlete would be under.  To not get injured.  Of course.  You’re not meant for the Olympics.  That is for special individuals.  You weren’t even very athletic.  Rifle?  Not even very good at that.  Now you can barely be a couch potato without problems.  You’re struggling to be a couch potato.  Goes to show you.  Apparently.  As long as.  Insofar as.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Readers, able to read your works.  That’s what you’ve done.  To the world.  Given the world your works.  In a gamble.  As a gamble.  A risky move.  To see if you could really get famous.

As you would consider.  If you would consider.  I want to kill myself.  The flashbacks are getting too stressful.  I’m in little danger.  I’m not going to attempt – but the desire is there.  Something to deal with, troubling.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As they would go.  As it would go.  Why are you alive?  Why do you continue to live?  Is anything happening for you?  On the outside?  Any reason to stay out of the hospital?  You’ve had reasons, in the past.  Housing stuff to deal with.  You like your electronics and network access.  I don’t know.  I don’t know if you really need that.  Time to go in?  Time to call Resolve?  Maybe during a flashback.  Give them something to notice.  Although, now when you’re lucid might ultimately be a better time to try it.  What you consider.  As you consider, as you suppose.  You wouldn’t get to listen to your music in the hospital.  There are a lot of ways your life would change.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Things.  If you would consider.  If you would figure.  I guess, I don’t know.  One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest.  That’s what one did, in the past.  One didn’t ~want to be in the hospital.  Why does going out trigger me?  Too 3-D?  But it’s 3-D in the apartment.  Too many scans?  I guess you’re safe from scanning, at home.  Or just your parents’ scans, which you grew up with.  What you could be on to.  As you could consider.  Ultra-competitive.  Seeing if you can do it, be a writer.  If you are positioned, mentally.  If you have the objective spirit.  If your matrix was sophisticated enough.  Then.  It would seem.  That you’d be able to write some things.  Which you have.  Their importance?  We’ll have to see.  See what happens.  With that.  In the grand scheme.  If they were going to look closely, tomorrow.  “Tomorrow”.  What that is code for.  Seems like things are coded.  The code keeps changing, to a flashback.  Even if I figure it out one day, the next day will hit me hard.  I can’t break the code.  Like in a schizophrenic household.  Constantly changing codes, for what’s appropriate.  Is that what you blame?  Your condition on, your ultimate condition?  Should they have known I was psychotic?  I’m a pretty good pretender.  Or I used to be.  Not so much, anymore.  Not as much.  Can’t pretend my way through a flashback.  Can, but it’s uncomfortable.  It’s too much to deal with.  At least this is what I’m saying.  How I claim it happens.  The messages.  Scans.  Why should people scanning cause the condition?  You submitted to scans your whole life.  But when they catch you, in a condition.  It feels like their scans have found their ultimate goal.  People should always be on the lookout for someone tripping..  What is there, to life, if you can’t spot someone who’s tripping?  But of course no one knows about anyone else’s trip.  It’s private / subjective.  You ~can’t tell.  In a condition, for some reason, you think people can tell.  By the way you’re rolling.  Dual-phase schizophrenia.  Or simply treatment-refractory schizophrenia.  Mental illness.  Aren’t they interesting?  Don’t you ~want to be tripping?  Maybe not.  Maybe, ultimately, no.  You knew that, doing LSD.  It’s not worth it.  The color and intensity, the tripping, is not better than boredom and normal life.  But you have to learn that, somehow.  Until you learn that, you’ll keep tripping.  Until a sufficiently negative event.  I needed a very negative one.  To learn from.  To learn by.  I wasn’t going to take reasonable intensity of negativity.  I needed full, all you can bear.  Hopefully I don’t think like that anymore.  Hopefully I’m wiser.  I’ve wised up.  That’s what anyone would hope.  Anyone looking at your life.  Who would hope the tragedy could be mitigated somewhat.  If one had that hope.  As one had that hope.  What have you been writing?  Ultra-fictional philosophy. 

It's better to be ~unattracted to women.  Detachment.  Independence.  This is what I'm thinking.  It's more enjoyable to see women, and know they have no power over you.  That is what I’m thinking.  Have I ~ever seen attractive women?  I thought so – at the time.  But really, what is all this for?  The “point”?  Just to sit around, read books you don’t even like very much?  Listen to music that fucks with you?  Is this what life is about?  What you could have been said to have been building up to, all that time?  What were we feeding into?  Abstract.  What would an “abstract” of your work be?  The more abstract the art, the more immortal?  Looking at immortality?  Explosion?  Looking at a nuclear explosion?  Want to fall again?  Tired of flying?  Want to give all the works for free?  If people are willing to download – why not give?  What do you have to lose?  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  My chance.  To gain popularity and fame.  If I’m flying, will I be able to become popular?  Without giving any of the books?

But free-form sophistry?  Not as prevalent.  That’s what I considered.  What I supposed.  And to give the books for free online.  That was a key element of my strategy.  To see if I could organically do it, explode.  On my own.  Just in terms of links in, people linking and sharing.  Mind text, the text of the mind.  A clean interface.  If you’re afraid of clicking on links, my website won’t be much fun.  Should I include a reassuring statement “I am not out to hack your system.  These are all safe links to click.”  I don’t think people would believe that.  The paranoid ones.  As you’d consider.  If you’d consider.  Still writing..!  Even after all that.  Still seem to find something to this.  Even after all I’ve written.  Still seem to have things to write.  Still.  Even so.  Wondering what about the Cousins kids’ writing careers.  They grew up on Austin, same as me.  They went to Mt. Lebanon, same as me.  Are they writers?  Fletch, Raya?  I guess it’s up to them.  Not everyone would do what I’ve done.  Translation: no one has done what I’ve done.  Seemingly.  The ultra-fictional philosophy. 

You’re forty years old.  Benjamin barely reached such an age.  So you should be ready and willing to create, to write.  You have little excuse.  To hold you back.  Compared to writers in earlier ages.  Who had to contend with pen and paper.  Who had to rely on publishers.  You are infinitely removed from such constrictions.  So we’ll see what happens.  We’ll see if you can take advantage of this freedom, this power.  Reading the Benjamin does put me in the mood for thinking.  Maybe he is one of the only ones.  Who was that much of a ~writer.  What you would consider, what you would figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Are you actually going to publish tic’s?  COA – you have, you’ve done it.  You wanted to see if it were possible.  Facebook can be a trigger.  Lots of alcohol, on Facebook.  People drinking in front of you.  Is that site worth it?  To keep in touch with your peeps.  Who you mostly do not want to get close to.  Or, I’d say about fifty percent.  Maybe cut down on your friends, or at least who you follow.  You don’t need a super busy news feed.  You can minimize.  Finely crafted.  Your free-form sophistry is some of the most finely crafted stuff.  What you figure.  As you’d consider.  As you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would.  If you would.  They didn’t like my handwriting, in school.  Felt justified in giving me low grades.  School.  Just think of the concept.  Glad you’re gone from that.  A mind-fucking regime.  They fucked you good.  Maybe you collided with school.  You felt the impact.  You bounced off on your own trajectory.  That no one could have predicted.  Not even the most perceptive professors.  None of them knew.  Is that true?  Or did they see, but they could do nothing about it?  I think you should study Adorno and Benjamin more.  Just for what they are.  For what they wrote about.  That’s what you admire – people actually writing about philosophy, writing philosophy.  Those two are who you truly admire.  So you should get deeper in.  You should keep going.  Don’t give up, just yet.  Whether you read them in German, or English.  Probably get more out of an English reading.  With your poor German skills.  A long-term project, to read in German.

Sometimes you are not meant to read.  This much is obvious.  Maybe these are writing times.  Adorno called Benjamin “authoritarian”, but perhaps this is just the force of his ideas.  A true philosophy ~proves itself true, at every point, destroying competing alternate claims.  That is the power of ideas.  You cannot argue with that.  Things you find yourself saying.  White noise.  You find yourself referring to certain experiences.  The experience of DeLillo.  What you could consider / suppose.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we think, what we do.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.

 

 

 


 

 

The Scot-free Guy

 

 

What you do, what you consider.  Things.  You have written – you will write.  This alone.  Escaped so far unscathed.  Relatively.  The back is an example of what insanity can do to you.  The dangers of psychosis.  Abusing your back on the ramp.  Skating in general.  You had the chance for a good back, a good life.  You decided to fuck it, to fuck with it.  I guess.  I just foresee.  I just explain.  What you have going on.  As it were, as you were.  People destined for the Academy find getting good grades natural and automatic.  I was not that sort.  This is what I figure.  What I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would.  If you would.  As it were.  If you were.  Things.  You could keep going.  You could keep writing.  What do you have to write, what do you have to experience?  “The night is the highest good.”  You had been ignoring Benjamin.  You had been focusing on Adorno.  This is what happens.  What you consider.  I guess.  If you were to.  As you were to.

This is how it goes.  What you’d figure.  Starting to figure it out.  What life is ultimately about.  ~Life.  Itself.  As you’d figure.  Philosophy of mind.  What you could be thinking.  Pitt.  Times at Pitt?  What “happened” there?  This is what we do.  What we figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Housing.  Instability.  Different things.  As you’d figure, as you’d suppose.  Waking up again.  Another day of it.  What you think.  As you think.  As that would happen.  Your dream girl passes you by.  As that would happen.  In your imagination.  In reality.  Really, how would that happen?  Do you like to consist, to wager?  Do you like to suppose, inhabit?  I guess.  I could be going out and talking to women.  I ~should be going out and talking to women.  At this point.  In this respect.  You’d have to figure.  You’d have to suppose that intimacy is the problem you’re working on.  If you can’t even say Hi to a woman – what does that say about your ability to be intimate with her?  If you can’t even say Hi, I don’t think she should pay much attention to you.  This is what happens.  What we figure / consider.  “That’s it.”  That’s your dream girl passing you by.  As you’d imagine that.

What are you actually into experiencing?  The bar for a drink?  Reading for or against.  What have you been “reading for”?  Writing for?  Go get a drink?  Alter your mind with neuro-toxins?  I guess.  Neurons.  We don’t even know what a neuron is.  Or what an idea is.  We have limited knowledge.  You’ll see how the Cousins operate.  This is what happens.  We were childhood friends.  What you’d consider. 

As far as becoming a writer.  What would happen if they brought down your sites.  How much your ego depends on your current popularity.  If Baeka would do that.  What god forbids.  God forbid, your sites should fall.  What would you do?  What would you write?  I guess I’d still have to write the same things.  But I’d have no hope of publishing them.  What you consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  How it would go.  How you would figure / configure.  I guess.  If I were to.  As I were to.  Who you care about.  Who you care about succeeding.  What you would consider / suppose.  If you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  I do like to write.  Rediscovering Benjamin.  Why Adorno thought he was authoritarian.  The truth of ideas, writing.  The force of writing.  Does Adorno have something different?  What do all these authors have to contribute?

What you do, consider.  Do you really want to be publishing books of tic’s?  “Want”.  I guess that’s an ambiguous concept.  You could want to be tripping, but then, during a flashback, not want.  You never seem to know what you’ll want tomorrow.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  It would seem.  It might seem, at certain points.  What we learned in school.  Fish ARE stupid.!!  Different things.  You could consider / suppose.  As you would wonder.  Why do things keep going to shit?  Unless they were shit all along.  Things have gone good so far.  Haven’t been homeless, yet.  A good sign.  What kind of a sign would you be looking for?  A bright light, that only you can see?  At key times?  Alerting you to the presence of god?  Is that really what you think is happening?  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  What do you like to do.  “Come out and play.”  Suicide.  When I think of suicide, the messages say to come out and play.  This is what I like.  Positive reinforcement.  I guess.  What I could be getting into.  It seems paradoxical.  Why would you want flashbacks?  If they’re not boring.  Like the Nazi’s.  At least we can say they’re not boring.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Do you want to stop them?  And the insights they yield?  It seems like a pretty intense mental workout.  Periodic.  Regular.  It seems like pressure that could be meant to destroy you.  Not good pressure.  To reveal?  Your mouth, your eyes?  What is this ah tension for?  Attention?  Drool response?  Is this how closely many a writer would love to have their work examined?  As a writer.  What you are.  What you could be said to be.  We might as well say you’re a writer.  It seems to be what you’re doing.  It seems to be the point of your life.  Your dreams told you this.  This is what your dreams said.  Messages.  Do the messages like writing?  Do they like it when you write?  I think so.  Keep the messages happy.  That is my main goal.  If the messages are happy, things seem to go smoother.  I guess.  I’m not entirely sure.  As it.  As you.  If you would, as it could.  What conversations in elevators are for.  What you’d have to consider.  If you were to.  Tic’s.  Do you really keep writing tic’s?  Is that your fate?  I guess it’s not the worst fate.  It’s what I always dreamed of – being able to ~write.  On demand.  Whenever I wanted to.  Not having to wait for inspiration.  Just being able to do it.  Is that what you’ve done, that no one else seems to have done?  Yet?  Of course, after you show everyone, others will be able to do it.  In there.  And so forth.

What you suppose.  A conversation like this.  Carefully, slowly, pronouncing your words.  Maybe high-speed reading ~will stress your jaw.  It shouldn’t, but it does.  But maybe careful speaking, you can attain a decent level of endurance.  This is what we consider.  How we suppose.  Analysis.  What you might consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  You could continue to contemplate school.  Chemistry, mercury.  You can consider what they could have been preparing you for.  To be a writer?  You’d have to know everything.  A bit of everything.  Physics, English, Computer Science, Philosophy.  What you consider.  Suppose.  They gave me low grades.  They could perceive that I wasn’t meant for an academic career.  Getting high grades is natural and automatic for someone meant for the Academy.  What you’ve written.  What ~actually you’ve written.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  Want to die?  Want to escape, kill yourself?  In ~this situation?  With things potentially going well?  About to potentially go well?  You’d off yourself?  Garbage bag time?  Just now, just yet?  This is what I’d consider.  What I’d suppose.  Decide to live. 

Appreciate how clean your screen is.  How much you like the sensation of writing.  Keys, hands, screen.  The physical act of writing.  What you figure / consider.  Wimped out.  Did Yoga Nidra right at the beginning of a FB, before I heard any voices.  Not very intense.  You should wait until some intensity builds up.  It makes everything more worthwhile.  If you’re afraid of anything bad happening, nothing good will happen, either.  What you consider.  Kill myself.  I want to kill myself.  How strong is the desire?  I imagine a bag on my head.  What that would be like, breathing my last breaths.  Someone is trying to kill me.  That’s what I have to realize.  Ok, so you kill yourself.  Or you do in your imagination.  Aren’t you still alive, born again for another attempt?  Suicide, you take away the capability to be born again.  If you don’t kill yourself, you can always be born again.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would, as you would.  Things.  Don’t want to fly.  Don’t even want to travel.  The beach will be cool.  Just do Yoga Nidra if you get hit by a fb.  No need to stress.  No need at all.  This is how it would go.  How you would consider.  Different people.  Almost exactly like.  It’s.  It’s almost exactly like.  Or, it’s exactly like.  I’d like to eat a high-fat diet, but I don’t know how I’d get it.  I’d have to cook. 

Points.  You might naturally assume.  You’d want to write through / about.  Scans.  How “it” would seem.  How crazy “it” would feel, if you’re always being scanned this deeply.  If you’re always scanning this deeply into it.  “It”… A problem of perception, analysis, and cognition.  Seem to be perceptual anomalies.  Messages.  What do the messages tell you?  It can be hard to interpret what they mean.  What they must mean.  Continually mean.  You’ll hear some of this tomorrow.  It could seem.  Continually seem?  Is this how it will continue to seem?  “Seem”… A key word.  Key words, for any interpretation of you.  What people might interpret some of these words to mean.  Keys.  What is the key?  To any interpretation of you?  If people were seeking to interpret?  Is that what people have been doing?  Seeking?  Meaning seekers… What will they continually interpret you as having said?  What you say, not how you say it?  Somewhat funny?  Kind of odd.  Strange.  If people were going to seek key terms.  You won.  The first, only, most.  How it could seem.  Like you’d want to relax?  What you’re responding to?  What you “could be responding to”, at any given moment.  Seems.  How this could seem.  How crazy this could seem.  Would they have to know?  About certain key words.  It doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t really matter.  I’m just curious for myself.  If I were to look into this point.  Again.  On a continual basis. 

As it would happen.  As you would figure.  I guess – I don’t know.  Anatole coming tomorrow.  Me going to Fernwood today.  Big times.  Big events.  This is what I figure.  What I consider.  I guess.  If you’re ~willing to use tic’s.  Then writing can take on a more dynamic aspect.  If you’re willing to make use of them.  If not, get ready for some blocking.  This is what happens.  As we were to, if we were to.  I guess.  Writing seems so hard.  And sometimes, useless.  Why would you write?  To help with the brain clarity.  The brain likes its language.  Why would you understand computers?  To be a better writer.  That’s it.  You’re researching computer science.  Not to become a computer scientist.  But to become a better writer.  Not everyone would know to do this.  How to do this.  What you consider.  What you suppose.  What’s your specialty?  How do you complain?  Are you still complaining about flashbacks?  Not as much.  There’s not as much of a problem.  With my PRN technique.  And DT, don’t forget.  DT has provided more meaning for me, in some crucial moments.  The seventeen dimensions.  Good for reminding you of the dream, of the full sophistication.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  That’s what happens.  What we figure / consider.  If you were going to go that far.  As far as possible.  In whatever direction.  Humanly possible.

Instead of waiting for a flashback to begin, why not be proactive?  Take the meds ~before they begin – maybe you can avoid them completely… This is what happens.  What we suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  We’re all here together.  Double Trouble is a closed group, usually.  Expectations for how bad of an addict you’d become..?  No problem with alcohol, I got alcohol poisoning three times.  LSD poisoning once.  A negative enough experience.  To cause me to stop.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  Happening to you.  As it were, as it would.  Complaining of a flashback, then complaining of boredom, when the flashback fades away.  Are you ~ever happy?  When considering how little attraction you have for the female phenomena.  That makes you feel good.  Knowing you don’t need one of those.  This is how it would go.  How you would figure.  I guess – I don’t know.  Maybe you don’t like ~anyone.  Women or men.  Maybe you’re asexual, or what amounts to the same thing, omni-sexual.  The shower is the most erotic thing you can imagine doing.  Taking a dump in public comes in second.  This is your sexuality.  What it has come to.  How we have arrived.  Where we were going, all that time.  All the time, dreaming about girls/women… And what was the upshot?  You should still keep writing?  Even if you realize how hard it is?  Does that mean no one should try to be a writer?  Shouldn’t ~anyone try?  If it’s the hardest possible thing?  Then I would imagine, the rewards could be great.  Would be great.  For you, as you.  If you were to, as you were to.  Keep writing, through the pain and doubt.  The Primal uncertainty.  A condition.  What condition you’re in.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Taking it at night is worthless.  Why do you need anti-psychotic action in your sleep?  Doesn’t make sense.  If taking it in the morning sedates you, you’ll just go to bed at whatever time at night.  Maybe I ~need to be sedated.  Maybe that’s how powerful my illness is.

A “void” description.  Or, “avoid description”… Why would Lucas recommend you avoid description, as a young writer?  Coming up?  Is that what he said?  What you think he said?  What do you “think” he said?  What did he say?  Would be key terms, for any successful interpretation of you… Is that what people are trying to do?  Would be?  “Do”?  Like it’s a drug?  It’s like it’s a drug.

In some sense.  He wishes he didn’t make Igginbottom’s Wrench.  This is what happens.  She, in a sense, was giving you a chance to respond to her.  You should have realized already you wanted to.  It should not be a snap decision.  It should be thought-out.  What you do.  Coded modes of cognitive control to be escaped?  Rolls?  Roles you play.  Every time you “go out” and play.  Did you “get out”?  Why would this ~seem crazy?  To you, or to certain people?  What is the word “certain people” code for?  You?  Codes.  Warnings.  Lights, red lights, blue lights on a cop car.  Green traffic lights.  Green for “go”… A certain warning sign.  Scanning yourself.  What would this seem like?  What is “seems” code for?  Does everything have a code?  The apparent meaning, and the hidden meaning.  What you were pretending you hadn’t looked into.  Certain doctors.  A different mode of cognition.  Slow.  You could get used to it.  Cognitive.  All the dots don’t connect.  What part of this picture don’t you get?  To you?  Why doesn’t “it connect”?  People have difficulty connecting with you?  Scanning for you?  You don’t like responding positively to scans?  Is that what it means?  What it would mean, to you, exactly here?  Too much truth?  A failure of the imagination?  Racism?  Who you’re explaining this to?  What sort of doctors would care about this?  What it would “seem like”.   What you would have going on.  For this place to work.  Wandering around this place.  Wondering around this place.

We’ve never given anyone the truth serum before.  You might have to be careful, when you administer this drug.  Why would you get addicted to this?  If it’s like a drug, I suppose it could be addicting.  Would this get addictive?  Just for fun.  Fun and profit.  You could tell people.  Certain people, who might want to know.  Exactly who.  They’ve been following, down this long and windy road.  Following.  Leading.  Who is asking who for help?  Who would know this?  Certain people.  In certain situations.  Do they have any clue?  Yet… What you could be getting into.  “Into”… If you’re “into” people, you ~owe people.  Who do we owe this occasion to?  What you were trying to relax for.  “For”… Readings “for”, or “against”… Certain readings.  People might not agree with some of the readings.  Writings?  Some of the things I’ve read.  Written?  Do you have to change the words, from however Lucas might have put it?  So long ago?  Not continually looking into.  What you could be looking into.  Continually.  If, in your imagination.  “We’ve never given anyone the truth serum before”… It’s like a drug.  How you could relax, as this was happening.  “Happening to you” – groovy to you.  In some sense.  You must have considered.  This to be groovy.  Fulfilling a certain type of groove / rhythm.  Rhythm can’t be taught.  Like you’d need to be taught, how to respond to this.  How people were going to respond.  To the mere mention of a single word.  Response.  What you were asking them to respond to.  Asking for response.  Who is asking whom for a response?  What are you responding to?  These looks in your eyes.  As they would look in your eyes.  As closely as you can imagine.  Have they seen you like this before?  Several times.  As closely as you can imagine.  At certain points.  Certain points.  Points.  What was the point?  Or are there ~many points, to the essay?  People seem to gravitate, around key words.  Terms.  Like they could have been looking into all along.  The whole time. 

What could “it” be like?  For you?  To imagine people looking this closely into, all the time, the products of your imagination..?  Isn’t that how god would feel?  God, or Lucas Sullivan?  Who you thought was god?  Voices you seemed to believe.  In.  Looking into.  Looking to be into.  For all time.  Forever.  What you could forever be seen to be getting into?  Seem / seen.  It seen.  It’s seen.  It’s a scene, like this.  I imagine it like this.  This is in my imagination.  Certain messages.  Certain “key” terms.  For a place.  Like this.  Where you’d want to “get off”… Where you’d want to “go”… To off yourself?  I can see the gears spinning in that direction.  How closely it would seem.  Scans.  For what you could do.  For how close this would seem.  Attention.  A “tension” like this.  What you could seem.  Seen.  Scene, to be getting into.

Pre-recorded voices.  Hypnotic suggestion.  “Is it audible” is not the right question.  Often, I’ll be thinking X, and a message will appear, not audible, but even closer to myself than X.  Allowing perhaps insane voices to hypnotize you.  The real language you need to learn should be your own.  You can’t even speak your own language, to satisfaction.  Why would you allow pre-recorded voices to guide you through rituals, dead?  When you can access the messages directly?  I guess I had to learn that lesson, today.  What do the messages tell you?  “Relax”… They’d like to get me into a “real Primal experience”, such as falling, again.  Which has produced some memorable SI, some memorable problems, I think, in my life.  The voices would love to get me to do that again.  I’m not sure I want to let them.  I’m happy out in normalcy, normal-land.  Don’t need to fixate on one point for as long as possible, causing my brain to swirl around like a vortex.  Maybe I needed to do that in the past.  Tangling with the voices.  They try to hypnotize you.  You relax.  You don’t exactly relax, when you’re responding to voices.  They suggest a topic or theme for discussion, then I’ll consider that topic.  Then they’ll suggest additional topics.  It goes back and forth.  There’s feedback. 

As it were to.  If you were to.  Something always happening in a fb.  Something always going down.  In your imagination.  Have you come closer?  In my imagination, I’ve come closer.  What to do.  Trigger.  DT.  Seems to agitate the voices.  I’m getting tired.  I’m growing tired, of this attention.  At a certain point.  Enough is enough.  Voices sick enough for me.  New parents.  What you could consider.  Why exactly you’d want to kill yourself.  If you would.  They say you’ll kill yourself.  Reword some of Lucas’s points.  Some of Lucas’s points will need to be reworded.  To fit your exact case.  Not everything translates perfectly.  Dimensional Transfer.  Different Talking.  You could have DT’s all ready.  You could practice utilizing a DT in a given situation.  Dreams of bathrooms.  Problematic natures of bathrooms.  Real experiences with that.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it.  If it.  As it would go, if it would go.  Things, you determine, things, you persist.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Pain.  Primal scenes.  Every scene could have been a Primal scene.  A-Janovian Primals.  Baird Primals.  Don’t want to let the voices hypnotize me.  Not one more time.  I’d rather respond to them and resist them.  They’re good for a conversation.  Not a monologue.  How it goes.  How you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How it would go.  How you would consider.  Suppose.  Things.  If you.  As you.

What you do / suppose.  I guess.  If, in the end.  You would.  Start breaking up sentences into fragments.  As.  If.  Different things, you could be considering.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we have going on.  Sticking your tongue out.   Wiggling your tongue around.  That’s how it would go.  If you.  As you.  Rolling your eyes.  Rolling the dice?  Taking chances with your selves?  Is that what you were doing?  Not properly medicated.  This whole time.  It was a medication issue.  Perhaps only to be discovered outpatient, where you had the freedom to experiment with dose timing.  Inpatient, they wouldn’t have let you do that.  This is what happens.  How you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know, not really.  Isaak is an IT guru.  The job he succeeds at melted down my brain.  Mine is a more theoretical interest in computers.  I’m glad I ~had the job.  I learned a lot.  About business and systems.  But it was good for a limited time only.  I wouldn’t want to be stuck in such a job.  What you figure.  How you suppose.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would.  If you would.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

As it would happen.  To you.  Imagine being told to “relax”, with all of this happening.  “Happening”?  Groovy?  Is this like what you’re thinking?  In your imagination?  How do you expect to get anywhere in life?  What have you been considering?  This is them knowing.  This is what that would look like.  An email could end it.  Could be your solution.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What voices you may have been listening to.  Messages?  I guess that’s what you’ve learned to call them.  You need to learn your own language.  You don’t need to learn German by hypnosis when you are having a flashback.  That’s not the time to learn German.  That’s the time to listen to messages.  What you figure, what you consider.  I’ve learned that I don’t necessarily want to listen to pre-recorded material in Yoga Nidra.  I get enough stimulation from the messages.  It took me a bit to figure that one out.  Took a minute.  So to speak.  I’m glad I ~did figure it out.  Better late than never.  What you have going on.  How you could consider.  Facebook.  The things you could be listening to.  Turning on to.  What you consider.  Nuclear family.  Nuclear explosions.  Sounds like a promise.  A promise made to you?  To help you build a car?  A key promise, for you?  That wasn’t fulfilled?  NA: “We have no promises to make.”  Seems realistic.  Seems like it makes more sense, not to make promises to addicts.  The program.  A lot of BS.  Ritual repetitions.  Double Trouble.  Not really necessary.  Can live without it.  I would go if there were no risk of a fb.  But as such.  In this situation.  When I’m having them all the time.  It’s too risky to go.  The FB’s are too uncomfortable to walk home in.  At home in bed, I can deal with them just fine.  Been thinking of calling Resolve.  It’s like a drug.  It’s getting addicting.  “We’ve never given anyone the truth serum before.”  Were you given a truth serum?  Is that why you wrote those books?  Is that what it feels like?  A drug that makes you tell the truth?  Different modalities – public and private.  Different things you’d do in private.  Singing, mouth opening exercises.  Only in private. 

What it’s doing.  As you would.  As you were.  “Do you have a problem, sailor?”  What we consider.  What we figure.  I guess.  I’ve written a lot.  If the sites fell, I’d actually have to try to write something other people would like, read, or publish.  It would be a whole new experience for me.  Now, I can go on myself.  My own vision / desires.  I have to write for no one.  To please no one but myself.  That’s what I think.  What I suppose / consider.  I hope the sites don’t fall.  That’s all I can say.  Such as.  “Such as”-tripping.  Why exactly, you’d want to kill yourself.  Trying to find an alternative to suicide.  I don’t know about falling, a “real Primal scene”… It seemed to make me suicidal, last time I tried.  It might be different if I tried during a flashback.  I thought it was Primal therapy.  The voices put me through falling primals.  If I were to let the voices hypnotize me, again.  I’m not certain I liked the outcome of the original falling primals.  Not entirely sure.  What you do.  What you’d figure.  How you’d suppose.  Could call Mom.  Ask her a key question or two.  What she would think.  Knowing.  Knowing that.  As you would understand. 

It was a real need.  Philosophical / psychological need in you.  What you figure.  How you’d suppose.  Letting music hypnotize you?  Is that really what you want to do?  At this point?  You can’t turn off the feed ~all the time.  You need some feed.  The feed can be good.  Depending what you use it for.  To stimulate yourself.  To pass the time, to counter boredom.  I guess.  I don’t really know – I just suppose.  Wednesday’s aren’t good for me.  I had flashbacks for the last five Double Trouble sessions.  Not a good track record.  Today, I don’t think I’ll risk it.  I see the doctor and Ida.  What you’d consider / suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Released a new book.  What’s it about?  Conditions of Awakening.  About waking up, to certain potentials.  Certain eye-opening energy.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d think.  As you’d think.  Different things.  Almost like.  It would be almost exactly like.

As you’d figure, as you’d suppose.  Learning to edit / filter.  ~Don’t need to “include it all”…  Can be selective.  That’s what I think.  What I suppose.  When I’m tempted to write about off topics.  Dead end topics.  I should restrain myself.  As you, if you.  As it were, if it were.  What you have going on.  At this stage of the game.  Seems like the group can see.  Suddenly it will seem like other people could be turning on to this stuff.  More than just myself.  Or continuously?  Would you say that’s a discrete, or continuous realization?  What we do.  Warning.  At least some of the time.  Points.  Could be warning signs.  About looking very closely into the darkest of regions.  So you can see all the colors.

I guess.  Sixth day.  Sixth day in.  I thought I’d be safe.  It’s never happened six days in a row.  Maybe there’s a first time for everything..  I guess.  I’m listening to White Noise, as I write.  It’s distracting.  I suppose I should know the story fairly well.  I’ve read the book probably five times.  This is what happens.  Seeing if another flashback begins.  It’s seeming to.  It would be a late one, today.  Trying to appreciate.  What could be happening.  If this is what’s happening.  “Groovy” to you.  In some sense.  It must be groovy.  You must have been feeding into it.  If I could stay home in bed, there wouldn’t be a problem.  I guess that’s not ideal.  What you’d figure.  As you’d figure.  As you’d suppose.  Bright lights, big city?  Bright lights, at least.  I guess the city is big, in world-historical terms.  A lot of stuff happening.  Potentially happening.  Looking at the people.  What I could be considering.  Looking very closely, into some of these points.  “Points”… “This is the sixth day?”  Yes. 

What you’re supposed to do.  What you “should” do.  Psychedelic tripping.  The conditions expand my mind, lead to almost psychedelic-like sessions.  Very vivid imaginary events, quasi-visual, quasi-tripping.  What you’d consider.  How you’d suppose.  If I were to.  As it were to.  If in the end.  Messages.  The “end”?  Is that what you’re approaching?  Is that what you have going on?  As you would consider.  What you’d figure.  Different tic-like structures.  Thought versus thinking.  Why should it make a difference, whether there’s an afterlife?  It doesn’t really matter now.  What will be, will be.  Jones’s approach.  What we consider, suppose.  If it were going to reach the light of day.  As you were to.  If you were to.  “I wasn’t all that excited about the prospect of another five milligrams of Zyprexa.”  What we consider.  How we figure. 

What a woman like that will do or not do.  (The statistics chick.)  What kind of world you’d be moving in, being a woman like that.  It’s good to know they exist.  They’re out there.  So are you.  You’re out there.  Thinking you can be a writer.  “Writer”..  Maybe you can.  Maybe you underwent some disciplines.  Some mind-altering experiences.  You have to be ~altered away from normal, to be a writer.  Or not.  Maybe healthy people could write even ~better.  This is what you do.  Drug abuse was your pattern.  You can’t change that now.  As it would go.  If it would go.  Things.  You might have been considering.  Such as, what you would do, if you were able to connect with a beauty.  You thought once you got over the initial resistance, you’d pretty much be good to go.  Not so.  At least in a fb.  Maybe once you respond to treatment, maybe once you’re normalized, you’ll have some success with women.  As it would happen.  As you would consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How do you feel now?  Normal.  I feel good.  Nothing unusual happening. 

What you figure, what you compose.  I guess I had been avoiding Agent Chlorophyl.  A learning experience, to avoid something that rich in experience.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you’d figure.  Laying your cards on the table.  But not “playing the game”… What you could discover.  Hegel is his God.  Adorno is way better.  Negative Dialectics will easily beat out any other author’s book of philosophy.  I guess he doesn’t believe me.  That’s his fault.  He can’t perceive the fact that I might know what the fuck I’m talking about.  That is a fault on his part.  Due to his schizophrenia?  Or just his nature.  I don’t have to worry about it.  I’m on my own.  I’m willing to go naked into the sun.  What you figure.  How you suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  What I’m into.  What I discover.  If they were to discontinue blogger.  Why would they do that?  If.  A big “if”… Dream memories.  Life memories.  Things you have access to.

 


 

 

 

 

 

They Call It “Action”

 

 

What you do.  As you, if you.  You like to write.  You like to keep that ability humming.  I guess.  I don’t know – not for sure.  Maybe divide your work into fiction and philosophy.  Go through it looking for two different things.  You might have trouble if you’re just looking for philosophy.  With so much fictional material.  I guess.  What you’d want to write.  The most insane stuff out there.  Is that what you wanted to become?  The first, only, most?  I guess you did that, in a sense.  In some sense, your writing is valuable to writers.  Who get to see what journals look like.  “This is what a writer’s journal looks like.”  Not many examples.  Not many people.  Do that.  Yet.  As of yet.  With drug references.  Illicit drugs. 

Like to keep the writing ability.  Don’t want to let it die off.  Not just yet.  Still have some energy to put words to.

What you do.  What you ~can do.  If you wanted to.  If you ~existed.  Then.  I think.  If you were willing to stand behind your site.  To share it with the men/women.  Then, I think.  I would suppose.  Some things might happen for you.  Ultimately.  However hard you worked.  However lucky your chances were.  However much Grace God gave you.  This is what I figure.  Style is the profoundest way human beings go about trying to achieve something like a perfect life.  Style.  Literary style, mathematical style.  What you’d be considering.  Those who walk away from Omelas.  Those who walk away.  As you were able to.  Psychedelic experience.  What you wanted, ultimately.  What you ultimately were going for.  ~Natural tripping.  No drugs necessary.  I’m on meds, not drugs.  These meds just make you normal.  They don’t give you a buzz, trip you out.  What someone would have to consider.  Paranoid schizophrenia.  How soon they would give you treatment for that.  Experimental research program.  What you tell the doctors.  What you tell your audience.  Getting an idea of your audience.  Writing stuff that’s fun to read.  As you would.  This real.  Talking about this, talking about Facebook.  This is how real my writing gets.  How close to my experience.  I’m not writing abstract shit.  The more abstract the text, the more immortal.  What I’ve said in the past. 

Drugs, usage, alcohol, partying, bands, shows, music.  Things I refer back to.  About seventy-five regretful memories that I constantly cycle through.  What people have been trying to learn.  On a continual basis.  Continual treatment for a chronic, time-based condition.  What you’d figure.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I heard “owning your recovery” somewhere in the program.  I’ve been trying to figure out what it means, to me.  I am very fortunate to be clean and sober.  I don’t know how things would work, otherwise.  I don’t know.  What seems to be happening.  I guess.  I suppose.  In truth.  Truth serum.

As you’d figure.  As you’d compose.  The back makes sense.  I was insane.  And skating.  The two do not go well.  It makes sense that my back is fucked up.  That’s how life works.  If you think you can get away with being crazy.  If you think you can get off scot-free.  The “scot-free” guy.  I don’t think so.  You have a price to pay.  What you consider, about this fall’s vacation at the beach.  How you can be afraid of it, and then accept it, and realize how cool it will be.  People who all might not be around forever.  A chance to hang with people who might not all be around forever.  What you consider. 

As it would.  If you.  Exactly.  Isn’t that the beauty of life?  You are ~exactly here / there.  People get to see where you ~exactly are.  You get to experience your life exactly.  I think this is the beauty.  Not always easy to appreciate, in a flashback.  But.  Maybe you’re learning.  Maybe the appreciation is growing.  For “points like these”..  Maybe you’re learning to appreciate the total insanity.  It makes sense that your back is fucked up.  A message from the past.  Psychosis doesn’t work well.  It is dangerous.  Things will go wrong.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would go, as it would happen.  What you’ve seen, or not seen.  Which girls, or nongirls.  As it would go.  As you would consider.  I don’t really know – not really.  I just suppose.  What I have going on.  As I would consider.  As I would figure.  Things.  About.  As intense as.  If you were going to go for the full intensity.  At that point in the evening.  The night is the highest good.  What you have to consider.  I guess.  I would suppose.

What you'd consider.  What you're afraid of.  Time.  Looking at time.  Maybe ~don't want to be at Fernwood so much.  So much time.  Flashbacks of frightening intensity.  What you’d figure.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  I certainly do like my tic’s.  I guess they’re what I’ve come to depend on.  They allow me to write.  I couldn’t write so much without tic’s.  And I guess, and I figure.  What you do.

The oppression.  White Noise audio.  Seems to assault the senses, the brain.  No matter how good it is.  I don’t want it now.  Maybe some other time.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Maybe I am a different kind of writer.  Free-form sophist.  It’s what I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would consider.  As you would figure.  Things.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Advertising.  Seems to work well, a bit.  How many hits would I be getting if I didn’t advertise?  That is unknown.  You could always pause your campaign.  I don’t think you want a pause.  You want escalation, if anything.  You are interested in fame.  Worldwide fame, for what you’ve done.  What you’ve written, filmed, and recorded.  This is how it goes.  How it would go.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you figure, what you consider.

What you do.  You guess.  Different things.  Going on.  If you were to, as you were to.  I guess – I don’t know.  Could publish tic’s..  Show them how I write.  Could.  Don’t know if I will.  I have.  Already.  Lies, mistakes, errors.  What we learn from.  A learning experience.  Maybe if you weren’t having flashbacks, the German speakers’ meetup would go nicer.  This is what you figure.  How you suppose.  I guess – I don’t know.  I would just suppose.  If you would consider.  If you would figure.  What do you have going on?  In this world?  Is ~anything going on?  Is anything happening?  What we have to do.  To consider.  Different dreams, of the guitar store.  Amps, guitars.  What else am I going to dream about?

If I were to.  I’m not so sure I have a “philosophical” voice.  My voice might be more ~ultra-fictional philosophy.  As to what I’ve developed.  According to what I’ve been able to accomplish.  I’m trying to be a writer.  Let’s not mention what I’ve actually written.  If I were to write something decent and respectable.  Which I haven’t done too much of, yet.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  But I do like to write.  If I’m going to write free-form stuff, maybe I should be allowed / encouraged.  If no one else is doing a lot of it.  If it’s a niche of the market.  Everyone shall find their own niche.  That’s what they always said / told of.  You’d be able to find a niche.  A specialty.  Where what you do would matter, and people would care about what you’re doing.  You need to find the readers that care about this.

I guess I have to be in the right modality, to want to blog.  Yesterday, yes.  Today, not so much.  I guess it also depends on what type of “condition” I’m in.  That day.  The day of.  The day of a flashback condition.  Might feel more stimulated.  The day of no condition, might feel less stimulated.  What we do.  What we consider.  Do I want to hear English?  Even if it’s DeLillo?  Maybe not.  Maybe I really want to be hearing German.  That’s what I figure.  What I’d suppose.  If I were to.  As I were to.  If I were to consider.  Do you speak German?  Yes.  This is how that would go.  How you figure.  How you consider.  What could be happening.  If you wanted, if you should.  Thinking of VA Tech.  Old memories, from long ago.  If I wanted to be a cadet.  ROTC.  I don’t think I would have done very well, there.  They were perceptive, in saying “No” to me, in the Navy.  Wouldn’t have worked out very well.  I had a different program to follow.  LSD, writing, music, life.  DeLillo, Pynchon, Janov.  What I was getting into.  Sullivan’s teaching.  As it would happen.  Different things you could be considering.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  There are a lot of radicals at VA Tech.  I guess they like the situation, the scenery.  Very nice surroundings.  Nice town.  Not much happening.  Enough.  Campus life.  Fifty percent of Americans want pot to be legal.  Is this what I think about?  Is this what I do?  Consider my variables.  How would that have gone, if pot had been legal?  A lot less anxiety, using drugs.  The other drugs still would probably not be legal.  But pot was the main deal.  If you could get legal pot, maybe you wouldn’t ~need other drugs.  If it were freely available.  I don’t know how you’d afford it.  And with schiz, it doesn’t mix well.  You can feel psychedelic from being clean and sober.  You’re on a ~natural high.  This is natural tripping.  No drugs required.  No substance abuse needed.  If you figure, if you suppose.

What we have going on.  SI changing for me.  Starting to think, “Why would I want to kill myself?  What’s the attraction in that?”  Maybe it was going off the psycho-active supplements.  I hope that’s it.  Such a profound effect.  I could have been driven crazy by the supplements.  They could have been applying suicidal pressure.  What I figure.  Not to mention, the flashbacks.  Which have been getting worse, over the past few months.  If it was the supplements, the whole time, that will be amazing.  Because we’d know my schiz isn’t ~that crazy.  I’m not ~that bad, insane.  Just on some psycho-active supplements that destabilized me.  I hope that’s it.  That would be amazing, if all I had to do was quit taking that stuff.  Well, you live and you learn.  What don’t killya make-ya stronger.  Maybe having withstood that pressure for all this time, my mind is actually ~stronger now.  Capable of withstanding greater pressure.  I would hope.  I would imagine.  I guess.  Different things.  Don’t need to listen to music.  Don’t need to listen to my old recordings.  That’s one reason I give them away.  They’re not good enough to hoard, to selfishly hold onto.  Why hold onto crap?  If you’ve made a bunch of questionable music, give it away to the world.  That’s the only way people are going to learn.  I thought, “If you’re not a musician, what do you fill your life with?”  Little did I know, that music may be a counter-life force.  It might act ~against your true life.  Writing?  I think not.  At least that is my modality.  Current modality.  Writing is the truth.  We’ve never given anyone the truth serum before.  You have to be careful. 

What do ~you do?  Exactly.  You write books and blog.  That’s what you’re good for.  You’re not good for much else.  What you’ve decided to do.  Decided to become so and so type of writer.  Decided to write questionable things.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess. 

You get into special modalities.  I guess.  The pages of books.  How much text in a page.  Real books.  Different things.  You could consider.  You haven’t written a “real book” yet.  A book that has been published in paper form, book form.  We’ll have to see about that.  What you’ve done, what you’ve considered.  I guess it could happen.  As long as.  If you were to.  As it were to.  Different things.  Such as, COA.  What you could get famous for.  “Famous”… How famous are we talking?  What are we talking about? 

As it would go.  Despair.  Difficulty.  Why are things so difficult?  Pressure on your head / brain / mouth.  I guess it’s what you signed up for.  By your childhood choices.  And young adulthood choices.  I guess.  Primality.  The Janovian Primality was educational.  Helped me learn about repression, and consciousness.  Expression, and therapy.  What goes on in families.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Supposing you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, not really.  Doesn’t have to be read.  My stuff doesn’t need an audience.  I’m not writing for anyone else.  Maybe that’s why I get no response.  No one needs to comment.  It stands on its own, alone, silent. 

As it would happen.  If it would happen.  Olanzapine, in the daytime.  My dreams come true.  This is how you'd figure / consider.  I guess.  I don't know – I just suppose.  What would have to happen.  For that to.  For you to.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  You might consider.  Having happened.  If that were to happen.  As you can write.  If you could write.  Then I think.  Then I would suppose.  How much time you were looking at…  Looking at time?  For what? 

What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What would have to happen.  For you to arise / ascend.  Ascension song.  What goes on.  If you were going to ask.  Nick Kapua?  What kind of dream would have the Kapua’s in it?  Is that what we consider?  What we suppose?  Knowing I’m not going to have a flashback.  What greater knowledge is there – even if I’m a bit sedated?  This is what happens.  What you’d figure.  Some people abuse opiates for the sedative effect.  Olanzapine can be my opiate.  It can sedate me during the day.  We’ll see how the nighttime dreams go.  As it were to.  If you were to.  Going on dream characterization.  How you’d classify your dreams.

As I would go, as I would suppose.  Different things, going on.  Writing in the morning, reading in the morning.  Waking up.  Feeling love, from reading the FAZ.  Strange feelings of love.  Was this always what could be going on?  For many people?  Normal people?  You were not normal.  At least we can say that.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  Disguised thought.  Different talking.  Discovery tales.  What you have going on.  Reminding you of DT.  It’s what you have to do.

As you would, as you do.  Different.  As it would, as you’d consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  What I’d have to do.  Have to consider.  A sequence of verbal tic’s.  Isn’t that what you always wanted?  To be able to write automatically?  To just pound out the tic’s?  I guess.  I don’t know.  What you’d have to consider.  Having written books x, y, z.  Shot films a, b, c.  Given away free music.  What that all would do to you.  For you.  I guess you’re pretty much run dry.  Pretty much out of things to write.

What “it” could seem like.  Say they read your books.  Saw the key terms.  Certain key terms.  “Key”… Looked into.  Looked to be into.  Your own voice.  Leading yourself through Yoga Nidra.  I have voices / messages to lead me.  I don’t need a prerecorded leader.  I can get self-led.  Can’t be any more crazy than listening to a recording.  The messages can lead you through some pretty interesting conditions.  It’s your own voice.  What voices could you be listening to tomorrow?  No rules.  You’re not following anyone’s rules, here.  Nuclear explosion?  Is that what it might seem like?  They happen pretty fast – instantly.  It would go off, then you’d have the fall-out.  If you survived the explosion.  The devastation and destruction.  These still are happening.  A lot easier to deal with, now, I think.  I’ve been having them for a long time.  They might take some time to go away.  It might not be instant.  Depending.  Certain continuous help.  You had been leaning on people for.  Who is asking whom for help?  You could be continually getting into these.  It must seem continuous.  Space and time.  In prison.  Im-prism’d.  By any one given moment.  By one point.  You and Mom seem to have led a past life together.  Certain people.  Continually knowing.  Structural, objective problem.  You want subjectivity.  Mind over matter.  What you were told would eventually do it.  Help you get surgery.  You needed help.  Very emphatic help, to talk to people.  What you could have been looking at.  This whole time.  Explosions, might appear to people.  To everyone.  Who were you thinking of telling this to?  How do you feel?  How would that go?

What you’d do.  What you’d consider writing.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Different things.  Déjà vu.  Memories coming back to you.  What could that mean?  This has all happened before?  There were precursors of these events in the past?  We were already alerted to the nature of the now, in some distant past?  I guess.  I’m not sure.  I’m just doing what I can do.  What I do do.  I guess.  Not really sure.  Not totally.  The network.  How it works.  All the pieces seem to fit together.  Worked on by different people.  Working together.  The networks.  The digital wireless and wired networks.  Makes you wonder.  Things are “set up”..  Still, just yet.  For now.  Maybe not for all time.  “For now.”  Should he have said that to me, when I said “I can’t smoke drugs”?  Should he have planted the seed of hope?  Should I have allowed that seed to be planted?  I guess I fed into the addiction.  I didn’t realize how bad I’d get.  I guess I didn’t know.  I guess until you experience, or re-experience that, you’re unsure.  You’re not sure.  Are you sure now?  Have you learned any lesson?  About how suicidal substance abuse is, for you?  Maybe not for everyone.  But for you.

I guess I still like to write.  Believe it, or not.  Even.  Even after.  All of that.  All that you’ve written.  Amazing.  No matter the ~quality – the sheer ~quantity boggles the mind..!  (I can type fast.)  What you’d suppose.  What you’d consider.  I’m not sure.  Whatever is happening in your brain.  As we would suppose.  I was your student, many years ago.  Can you take off your sunglasses?  This is what would happen.  What you might figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What is today’s message to the brain?  “The” brain?  What do you think about?  Colors, shapes, sizes..?  I guess a bit of that.  Pixels.  The rods and cones.  Visual cortex.  Imagination.  The five sensory modalities and proprioception.  What kind of god are you setting up, here?  Depending how that would go.  What you’d be rolling into.  If you can keep it to alpha and beta material.  The gamma is disturbing.  Wouldn’t you like to listen to some nice voices?  Turns out – you might ~not want to listen.  What you suppose.  As you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  No matter what you do, how careful you are, how regulated your thinking – you will have a flashback.  You can attenuate the intensity, using cognitive techniques.  But you can’t avoid them.  Well, nice try.  It was nice of you to at least try to do that.  If you can’t actually do it.  What type of “philosophy” are we talking about, here?  How involved with the reality of things?  Don’t you consider / figure?  Isn’t that what you’d think about?  Don’t have anything ~original to write?  Depending what you’d think of “originality”?  Your brain, your language.  Models in the brain / mind.  The circle, the angle, the tangent, the radius.  This is the sort of thing David talks about.  If he were to.  Make it to this point.  In space-time.  If that were possible.  As it were.  What you like to read / write.  What you’d like to read / write about.  I guess.  Keeping Anatole’s eyes closed?  How is that possible?  To close your eyes, with this happening?  Is that possible?  How is that possible?  “Isn’t it nice that the messages have something to say to me..!  They’re friendly, they want the best for me..”  Well, it turns out, their idea of the best might be totally fucking insane.  Wasted energy.  Fake sex.  You can say “No” to energy like that.  You don’t have to feed into the insanity, the neurosis.  You can do positive things.  Instead of the insanity.  Wasted fake sex.  I guess if you realize.  Once you realize.  What you’d be dreaming of.  If you scan for this condition.  You can get pretty sensitive to the onset.  Very subtle different visual sensation.  Different cognitive stuff.

What the blog is for..  It’s for ~you (now).  Maybe later, for others.  Readers.  Interested in DCB’s philosophy/ writing.  Maybe.  You can only suppose.  Exactly.  Conditions of awakening.  If you die, life will become a giant moot totality.  If that’s your solution.  You can’t even come up with a better solution.  Suicide.  Death.  Doesn’t speak well, of god’s creation.  If you were to do that.  I guess it would become moot.  Until then, though, it has meaning.  It’s meaningful.  What we consider / figure.  As it goes, as you’d suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Getting tired?  Morning, just woke up less than an hour ago.  Already getting tired?  The writing is hypnotic.  It puts you in a trance.  If you have any choice.  How you were going to respond to the voices.  It’s not exactly relaxing.  You’re not relaxing.  You’re responding to voices.  How it would go.  If you were to.  As that would go.  Waking up in the morning.  In a “condition” of some sort.  Not really feeling normal.  Feeling like it’s “for you”, in your favor.  Relax..!  Thank you.  What the messages say.  What’s the message?  They already know?  This is “them knowing”..?  Then what would the problem be?  A problem of sharing / honesty.  You ~want to talk about certain things, with certain people.  That’s what you consider.  What you suppose.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  Competing on an Olympic level.  That’s what being a writer really is.  Seeing how serious these athletes are.  Your writing, in comparison.  Who you’re competing with.  The marketplace of ideas.  What you’re offering.  I guess.  I’m not sure.  I just suppose.  I just consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you would figure / consider.  I guess.  Ether’s bad grade for you.  Still thinking about that grade?  It had a permanent effect.  Permanent impact.  What you do, what you suppose.  Pushed me into philosophy.  Pushed me away from the English department.  Fateful, for me as a philosopher. 

 

 


 

 

You Think This Book is How Well You Think

 

 

What ~should I do?  For pressures like this?  I thought you were going to equate pressures like that with buzzes… I thought you learned to ~enjoy pressure like that.  “That”?  Really?  I guess not everything makes sense.  Not everything is straightforward.  Things have some curve, some swerve.  What you figure / consider.

As you would.  Journal writing is so you don’t ~have to “perform” in blog.  You can let down your guard.  What if you developed a relaxed enough attitude, that you could do this in blog?  I don’t think you could.  There’s always pressure.  You couldn’t really escape the pressure, no matter how good you got at relaxing.  Different key terms.  The code.  Coded structure.  Apparently you forgot the impact DeLillo had on you, when you were young.  Knowing that people share your concerns, your sense and sensibility.  Something that isn’t always obvious, to young people.  They don’t yet realize, how much we have in common.  You’re “different”..  “Now that you’ve realized you’re different than everybody else…”  Is that what he could have said?  “Certain things are hard to talk about.”  What we consider / suppose.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  You could write.  If you wanted to.  The low-res laptop display is for reminding me of my poverty.  It’s to motivate me to write better stuff.  If I had a retina display, would I be motivated the same way?  If I was assured of my position?  “Anyone in your position.”  What “position” are you in?  How would that go?  How would you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you’d have going on.  “Relax.  Thank you.”  What “message” you could be taking from the messages.  If you had to sum it up. 

I have a new diagnosis.  Temporal Lobe Epilepsy.  Why it can seem crazy.  I don’t know if I’ve ever emphasized the seizures in my eyes.  Explosive.  Eye-opening.  I spun a whole mental fantasy from a quite physical symptom.  My brain is fucked.  Pressure.  Getting “into” pressure like this.  Tomorrow.  Relax.  Being continually told to relax, through something like this.  I don’t have the fortitude to make it to the hospital.  I don’t have the power.  What I could have been thinking.  Conditions.  LSD flashback conditions.  What I could have been doing.  Frozen eyeballs exercises.  What that might do to you.  Could it stress you that much?  To cause epileptic seizures?  You never know what Primal activity will do.  Will or won’t do.  To your brain.  As you considered.  As you figured.

As it would happen.  As it would go.  What you consider, what you think about.  Why it could seem so crazy.  If.  Such as tripping.  What-if tripping.  It-might tripping.  All the different types of tripping.  What you could consider.  I called Resolve tonight.  They said sounds like a medical problem.  What I do, what I consider.  Years to go.  Years ago.  What they could have known.  Supposed.  “The condition”… So long ago.  All the suffering.  Have I learned from it?  Am I stronger, because of it?  Or has it just worn me down?  What would be the answer?  If you were to ask.  Your trip.  Your tripping.  How exactly do you do that?  How-exactly tripping.  I guess I used to be able to relax.  My ability to relax has been compromised.  What we do, what we consider.  How you would do that.  How you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What could be happening.  Easier to treat than treatment-refractory psychosis.  I’ve had a wonderful day.  The ultimate epiphany.  The ultimate realization.  Took long enough.  And they weren’t even going to notice it.  Except for my dad’s help.  Scary.  Eerie.  Well, he’s well-placed to be the one able to help me.

As you'd figure, consider.  I guess.  Computers.  My new favorite subject to think about.  If the ~mind is a computer.  Then wouldn’t you want to understand computers?  I would think.  Philosophy of mind.  What we figure / compose.  I’m glad I failed at VA Tech.  I wasn’t ready yet.  I was about to write something.  A little hour-and-a-half interruption.  What you would suppose.  What you would consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  How much?  When?  Where, why, how.  This is how it goes.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  Communication is the purpose of computers.  Not calculation.  They are tools.  They are not for-themselves.  They are in-themselves. 

What you get hit with.  Why “it” can seem so crazy, to you.  Not ~completely crazy.  But pretty crazy.  Temporal lobe epilepsy.  What I could have, could consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  It would render a lot of my speculations moot.  If that’s what had been happening, the whole time.  Then I guess.  Thanks to Dad.  (The guy seems to care about you.)  Who had looked closely into my condition.  Exactly how are you tripping?  If someone were to exactly look into that, and that someone were a doctor.  Certain types of doctors.  What you figure, what you consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Would render moot, a lot of my thinking.  Well – crazy is crazy.  If you were ~feeling crazy, you probably ~were crazy.  That’s subjectivity, for you.  What you figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d consider.

I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  This is unbearable.  What if they don’t want to treat me?  SI.  I can threaten suicide.  And it wouldn’t be a fake threat.  I really can’t deal with these things going on.  Voices.  What’s happening.  What is going on.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I guess I have nothing to say.  I’ve said enough.  I’ve written enough.  No need to write more.  After what I’ve done?  All the work I’ve done? 

What you’d figure.  How you’d consider, how you’d go.  Certain points.  To you.  Seems obvious to you.  Everything can’t be just as it seems… As it seems to be.  In this life.  The Unspoken Yes.  Tell the neurologist about it.  If you want.  If she’s curious.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  “Is it like philosophy, or like fiction?”  Fiction.  How you’d consider.  How you’d figure.  Certain doctors.  Who have you been looking into.  “You’re aware of your eyes rolling.?”  Like you’re scanning a list of available options.  People scanning for certain high points.  Seems to be, what people do.

Instruments are struggle objects.  I’m glad I realized that.  What about the laptop, text in general?  It’s a sort of a struggle.  But it’s a ~real, legitimate struggle.  Not a fake, unreal, symbolic.  This is how it would go.  How you’d consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess – I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you have to write.  Why exactly you’d be writing.  Why ~exactly are you doing anything?  Code words for God?  That’s what I used to think.  Why would anyone want to be in your head?  Channeling spirits?  Why would any spirit want to be in your head?  That’s the question you should ask.  If you ~wouldn’t want anyone else to have to go through this.  Your life.  Reading books when young.  What would that do to you?  “What”, “do”, “you” are all questionable terms.  What you consider.  If you wanted to be intimate with a woman.  How that would go.  How you’d consider.  Suppose.  Then, you’d figure.  You’d consider.  Want to come over?  I made some pasta salad..  Things.  You might have escaped from, eventually.  You can be said to have escaped.  At the current moment.  What you would suppose.  If you ~had escaped.  At this point.  In this fashion.  Then.  I would think.  I would suppose.  What you have going on.  If you were to.  As you were to.

As it were.  As you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  Not quite as certain, about things.  Anymore.  Anyway.  In the ultimate analysis.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  As it would happen.  As it could happen.  A little shaky?  Yep.  This is what I think about.  How I consider / suppose.  If I were to.  If anyone were to. 

What happens.  What seems to happen.  You don’t have to perform blog.  You can relax in journal.  Things you discover, things you find out.  Especially if Disguised Thought.  If you don’t want to totally disguise your thought.  If you’re thinking about certain issues. 

Maybe coming up with a response to Cixous.  I used to be into her.  Now, I’m not so sure.  I may be against her.  Woman.  I am a man, after all.  How could I be for woman?  Compassion, sympathy..  You could have a bit of that.  For your fellow other genders.  What we consider.  Chaotic random word choices.  Allowing any word possible to arise in your consciousness.  Instead of forcing, correcting.  You don’t want to correct.  You want to allow.  This is what I think.  It won’t always be rational.  It could be completely chaotic.  This is your mind.  What you allow in your mind.  I just.  It does.  You get.  Different things.  Your tendons weren’t up to a career as guitarist.  Good to have figured out.  Or, not good.  Fate.  Life.  Different things.  You could.  As you.  If you.  Maybe you will ~never know German.  But at least you have an enhanced appreciation of how hard a language is to learn.  And maybe it makes you better at English.  Trying to articulate in a foreign language reinforces or enhances your abilities in your Mother Tongue.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

What you have going on.  The first writing of the day.  Symbolic language.  Untranslatable language.  What would that mean?  For a word to be untranslatable?  Makes you examine focus your language more closely.  What could actually be happening?  As you think these things?  “Think”..?  Is that what you’re doing?  Makes you realize what exactly you’re doing… I guess.  If you’ve looked at your cognition, close enough.  Closely enough.  Then I would think.  I would suppose.  You could come to some complex realizations.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would go, as it would happen. 

As it would go.  Symbolic discoveries.  Discovering why certain language would be untranslatable.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you have “going on”… A sign from god?  Is that how you take some of these things?  Object appearing in your apartment overnight?  Is that what you’d take as a sign?  Or nonsign?  I guess we have different things to consider.  That we’d consider.  If you were to.  Translate your language.  Not to ~another language, but to a more precise wording.  Expression.  To make your expressions more precise, more specific.  I think that’s what you want.  I think that’s how you suppose.  Things.  Happening for you.  To you.  If you were to.  Trying to get your mental text up to text ticking level.  Trying to internalize the tic’s.  Not just type them, but ~think them.  I guess.  I guess you could.  As it were.  What you think.  What you direct your thinking to contain.  Control.  Unbelievable levels of control, in your thinking.  As it would go, as you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you have going on.

As closely as you can imagine, people (women) looking into your points.  Scanning, in a sense.  What they would find.  If they scanned.  Avoidant behavior?  Avoiding the eye rolling?  It helps to roll the eyes, when a flashback is coming on.  It’s tempting to try to avoid rolling behavior.  It’s counterintuitive – roll to prevent the roll.  What you consider.  Some.  Certain points.  Certain people could tell.  You can tell.  It’s almost exactly like, you can tell, what points people have been looking this carefully into.  Wouldn’t everyone think that, all the time?  Or just schizophrenics, at certain times?  Music heard.  Hallucinated music.  Don’t want to forget about that.  They let us in the sensitive room at the data center.  They probably shouldn’t have – they were showing off.  It wouldn’t have been a good comment on schizophrenia, on recovery from schizophrenia, for me to cause mayhem.  Wouldn’t have reflected well on the illness.  I guess.  What I could be looking into.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  What people will be looking into tomorrow.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would consider.  A sign from god?  Makes you want to commit suicide?  Why?  Why exactly…?  Escape the situation.  There is an “out”..  With-in-god, or with out god.  God is everything.  Drool response.  For this kind of attention.  This close.  You have to be “righter” than the place.  More right.  Almost entirely right, on all levels.  To be a writer.  Almost psychotic focus, on your words. 

Control.  That took some soul.  Some kind of control.  Undue influence, from certain voices.  Seems like.  You were allowing voices to control you.  It’s not exactly relaxing.. I’m responding to voices.  This is how it would go.  I guess.  Must have taken control.  To do that.  Roll your eyes.  This is how I roll.  Do you know you’re rolling your eyes?  It’s a tendency.  I tend to do it.  I feel like I’m forced to do it.  Roll to not roll.  Roll your eyes, as you’re getting into a flashback.  Looking into.  Codes.  Responsive.  Was he going to be able to respond to certain stop or go codes?  Is that what they’ve been looking into?  The whole time?  “I don’t want David to get sick over this.”  What we have.  What we consider.

As you would go.  Warnings.  Not safe.  I was not safe.  I walked right into the bus lane, without looking left.  I couldn’t hear any buses coming.  I forgot about the different lane.  Could have been a bad slip.  Could have been definitive.  For me.  You’d figure, you’d suppose.  As it would go.  As you would assume, create.  Almost random, chaotic word choices.  At times.  Giving up the “direction”… Allowing anything to emerge.  Any word.  Not directing my word forming ability.  Letting any word arise.  They don’t even have to be real words.  I can make them up.  As it would happen.  As you would assume.  Different things.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What I suppose.

Maybe I should write.  This could be my “new discipline”… Not that it is new, not that it is very disciplined.  What I figure, what I suppose.  Insatiable curiosity, said Ether.  Whose poor grade for me had ~prophetic implications.  What we consider / suppose.  As we were to.  If we were to.  Things, going on.  Things you would suppose.

Well, exactly what would that be?  Sign from god.  Giving you strength to stay alive.  Suicide.  Why would you kill yourself?  Hopeless about the future?  Like Benjamin, you want money for writing?  The actual is the rational..?  Do you think history is rational?  Aren’t the laws of nature being followed?  People are evil and stupid a lot.  Does this surprise you?  What do you have going on?  What do you consider?  I guess – I don’t know, I just suppose.  Slugging out.  Not much alternative.  Trying to find an alternative to suicide.  What you discover.  What you create.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

What’s with the asshole questions?  This is the same.  This is how it always was.  DCB, alone.  Beautiful girl?  Why would you want her?  For sex?  Or for ~companionship..  Maybe you don’t have the ~imagination to want her..  This is what happens.  The world.  The world spirit.  Presents itself to you, outside on the street.  You ignore, stare, walk away.  What you have going on.  What you could be considering.  Obsession with philosophy?  The ~ultimate control?  Self-control.  You’re into controlling yourself.  Hopeless.  About the future.  How can I possibly succeed?  With h/s/ns/id/coa?  What could happen to make those works attractive for the world?  This is what happens.  What we figure.  I guess.  Obsessed.  Look into the computers, the books.  Read and write.  Don’t talk to a beautiful girl.  Why would you do that?  Sex?  You don’t really want sex.  Companionship?  Can’t you imagine that well enough, on your own?  You’ll have to say something.  You’ll have to “try” her.  It’s not going to be completely passive.  That’s why they call it “action”… If you’re not ready for action, I don’t know what to tell you.  What instructions can be given to you.  This is how I go, how I consider.  Could be.  Do you need to be so stunned, when you see them on the street?  Maybe you’re not going for street-quality.  With your fact, your sites.  What you’ve written.  You’re going for world-quality.  But world can be street.  You’d have to find out.  You’d have to discover.  Until now, you haven’t done it.  Until now, no.  Maybe later.  Maybe tomorrow.  In some strange tomorrow.  That’s what I think.  What I could be thinking.  How far I would go.  How far I have come.  To here.  To make it here.  Hear.  Full.  What you could have going on.  Responding to voices?  What are you responding to? 

As it would happen.  Exactly.  Here you are, alone again.  “Alone in the would’s”… Lucas’s supposed fantasy.  What you have going on.  As you were to figure.  If you were to figure.  How hard.  Scientific, or difficult?  That’s for you to discover.  I guess.  I could be doing almost anything.  I could ~wander.  I could walk the streets, looking for women.  And I would probably find some.  If this is what you consider, compose.  Depending.  Bring them to the apartment?  Let them sit and drink coffee?  Or Pepsi?  What you have going on.  If they were to.  As they were to.  Unbelievable amounts of control, to maintain this position.  What position?  What position have you taken?  As you were to.  If you were to.  I don’t think it matters.  Everything matters, nothing matters.  This is just the moot totality.  “You need a girlfriend.”  Maybe.  Maybe that would be a kind of solution for me.  Sort of.  Someone to blab with.  Jabber.  Chat.  Real chat, not online chat.  Are you ready for that?  Talking to an actual woman, in your actual apartment?  Is that what you “need”?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As you’d figure / consider.  Things.  Almost exactly like.

Certain things, you could have been thinking ~all the time.  What you consider.  What you’d be scanning for.  Who ~are you?  Can you answer that?  Have you answered that?  What is personal identity?  What you did?  What you “would do”?  What would you imagine?  How closely were people looking to be into some of these points?  Schizophrenic philosophy?  The creation of a new world.  In schizophrenia.  I investigated how it is possible to create a new world.  It has to be in ~schizo-phenomena that a new world is created.  That’s what I considered.  Some of the times.  Makes sense.  Could make a certain kind of sense, to you.  Rolling your eyes.  Between points like this.  Are you aware of your eyes rolling?  Yes.  Certain points.  Are we reaching a “certain point”?  Voices, audio hallucinations?  Is that ~really what’s going on?  Behind your eyes?  Selves?  I’s.  This is how that would go.  If you couldn’t afford a retina laptop.  This is what that would look like.  As you’d consider.  As you’d suppose.  Things.  Happening to you.  For you.  I guess.  I could have been “scanning” for points like this, the whole time.  It seems.  It could “always seem”… Who does that code refer to?  Your mom?  Your dad?  Your brother?  Your potential children?  Heteropotentiality? 

If people were looking into you.  To owe you.  To be owned by you.  What you’d consider.  Doesn’t seem to be anything abnormal happening.  Increased detail and colorfulness.  You know.  You hope.  You’re known.  We know.  “Relax”… “Thank you”..  I don’t seem to want to read or write much.  Wrong.  I do a lot of it.  From time to time.  As it would happen.  If you continually developed, if you continually reached certain plateaus.  New dimensions. 

As it would go.  As you would consider.  A mistake, to take the insanity any further.  Audio hallucinations.  Like someone was sawing my door.  Not good.  Paranoid hallucinations.  Could be dangerous.  Exactly what you need.  The help you need. 

A sign from god.  What you choose to take as a sign.  Who is interested in your case.  The everything-god.  The god of everything. 

Certain people.  People you love.  Anatole.  Seems like some confusion, between high and low points.  Is this a high point?  Or a low point?  Introduced some confusion, in the terms.  What “term” could we use for you? 

I wanted to be a ~writer.  All my eggs in one basket.  How hard that would be.  Would seem to be.  “We know.”  Tell us, so we can tell.  So we know.  What you have going on.  People who might not be around forever.  For “ever”… You might outlive certain people.  How is that going to feel?  For creating a world.  I thought you positively said schizo conditions can create worlds… Or that the beginning of the world ~must have been schizo… What you consider.  As you suppose.  Why are you writing?  Why do you continue to write?  Do you really think you have more to say?

What it does.  What you consider.  You could ~write..!  You have the ability..!  No one is holding you back.  Only yourself.  Yourself is the problem, yourself is the solution.  Part of the solution?  What are we feeding into?  Help with what, exactly?  I guess I have some stuff to think about.  All Tomorrow’s Parties makes me realize the group-social aspect of what my work could be doing.

I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  The tic’s take over, get all-powerful.  I think.  I think you don’t need to publish too much more of this stuff.  What’s the point?  So they can see you ticking?  What’s the point of that?  Would anyone care?  I guess.  I guess they would.  How to write.  How a writer writes.  How it is actually done.  You just give them unedited shit, instead of most writers, who edit.  That’s what you care about – the uncut.  That is simply what you’re curious about.  ATP.  How would that group of individuals respond to my work?  For some reason, I’m not sure it would be a good response.  What you’re in for.  What you suppose.  Consider.

As it would happen.  As you would consider.  I guess.  Seeming to get hopeless.  Seeming not to enjoy much.  Dysphoria.  Things are not enjoyable.  What we consider.  How we figure.  If you were to.  As it were to.  Why do you write this stuff?  Are you fascinated by repetitive, loopy forms?  Does this fascinate you?  The ufp was about me.  My reality.

What we could be doing.  As we could be going.  What you would write.  As you would do it.  You would write, now.  Again, this, here.  Not everyone would have made it to here.  This far.  On this particular pathway.  You – schizophrenia.  You have schizophrenia.  Interesting.  What you could be thinking.  As you could be thinking it.  If you figure.  If you suppose.  A new way of looking at it.  How you could possibly imagine.  Hard.  Difficult, to do this.  What have you been writing about?  UFP.  It’s just ultra-fictional philosophy.

I thought your outcome was good..  The primals, the falling, the cognitive enhancement therapy.  I thought all that added up to you do better than your peers.  I guess not.  I guess I’m feeling some of the impact of this illness.  Certainly.  As a certain brother.  You think he can tell.  Human.  Out.  The first, most, only.  What you’re doing.  What exactly.  This is how it would go.  How you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I don’t care what you tell them at Little Tokyo.  I’m not feeling well.  This is what happens.  Where you may have been thinking.  As you may have been thinking.  Who cares?  Subjective things.  Like you were saying.  Strange.  As it would go, as it would happen.  Tripping.  Why are you tripping?  That’s just the word, “tripping”, that I know to describe it.  What we’d suppose.  Certainly strange..?  How that could be for you?  The only nonfunctional one at dinner tonight?  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess.  I suppose.  Speed dating.  You’re reading in?  What you’d consider / suppose.  The code for.  Around here.  How that would shake out.  There’s the rub.  As it would go, as you would figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

Your struggles.  What you’ve come to embody / represent.  For the world.  As you were.  As it were to.  If you were going to walk outside.  Down the street.  Around the corner.  Rush-hour traffic seeing you walk by.  What they would think.  Normal haircut, normal dress.  Maybe nothing to really comment upon, remark upon.  A philosopher?  Aren’t there thousands of those?  And if you were to come into contact with the best in the world?  Would they like to hear your voice?  Talk about Hegel?  What would you say about Hegel?  What would you need someone to tell you about Hegel?  This is what you consider.  More into Adorno, which the philosophy department isn’t into.  Not too many people ~would be into him.  That’s okay.  It took me some time to figure it out.  Everyone might not have time like that.  What are you trying to accomplish?  I’m trying to be a writer.  To show off their talents?  Their ability to represent complex philosophical text?  Does it need to be “represented”?  Isn’t that the Analytic tradition?  To see what truths lie analytically within texts?  Maybe, maybe not.  I’m sure the guys in question would have a different idea of it.  What you were to consider / suppose.  The student shouting in Andrea Westlund’s political philosophy class.  A taste of Pittsburgh for her, I guess.  Is this what you do, cycle over memories from school?  What about non-school?  Were you able to do anything in that?  With that?  What you would figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.

I guess I would.  If you, as you.  The flashback might come back a little later.  I could have gone to the party.  I guess I’m overly careful.  When I’m home in bed, they’re not bad.  Out and about, they’re pretty hellish.  I probably should have left later.  I’ve never been able to identify a trigger.  This is what happens.  How you consider.  Sounds pretty hellish.  I wonder how the value started – when did the developers start to trade bitcoins for money?  Why should the developers be in a special position?  What do we do?  What do you consider?  I guess I like to write.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  You would “happen” to the world.  Different things.  I have the Kindle, so I’m reading it straight through.  Since you have the book, you might want to skip around.  How we consider.  A lot of knowledge in that book.  What you’d consider.  How you’d figure.  You’d suppose.  You just might.  An insane book, I want to get you.  You love.  It has something to do with love.  People looking into.  Into getting help.  Solving a puzzle.  Mathematical puzzles.  How it would go.  How you’d consider.

This is what happens.  A case for your mom.  Between what they actually said, and what you imagine them to say?  Certain voices?  In a certain household?  Schizophrenic household?  An experimental household, where nothing is sacred, and feelings are the most important things.  The everything-god.  This is what I imagined.  Myself to be getting “into”… Certain types of secrets.  That were not so secret.  How they interviewed you.  “Inter-view”… What some of the voices could have been about.  Which points you were always looking “into”… Being “there” for.  You seem to be “there”… Finally.  Where you always wanted to be.  I don’t know how it works now.  How you could do that.  “Play-like that.”  Play as if you like it.  How much relaxation that would take.  It must take.  Relaxation.  What the highest prize was, for you.  Your ability to relax, in unusual conditions.  What “type”?  Do you see the Kind?  They play Wednesday nights.  You just saw the winning goal.  Nobody else makes it.  They each get a shot.  What you could have been looking into.  A certain misunderstanding.  About what certain points “people” could have been “about”… What they could have been talking “about”… Always.  In your class.  In some of your classes.  Lots of kids, and a few instructors/professors.  Were in your class.  No one in your class.  What’s “natural”?  A good question, with DCB in your class… Points.  Lucas and Noel could have been looking into.  Such as.  How insane DCB could have been.  Certain professors, could have seen.  “You’re speaking to me as if I am a prophet.”  Yes, and I’m the Son of God.  That’s how I’m speaking to you.  What if you ~are a prophet?  What if I ~am the Son of God?  Wouldn’t everyone think that, all the time?  Or just certain people, at certain times… What this could have been “doing for” you.  For you, or against you?  Low point, or high point?  A certain confusion or synthesis.  Thank you.  He lost control of it.  Programming.  What you could be in for.  Certain eye-opening energy.  Schizophrenic creation.  Of a new world.  What happens to the Old World?  Seems like schizophrenic conditions have to be met, for the creation of a New World.  Originally.  For God.  What God was looking into.  Could have been… “They’re not that easy.”  Stable.  I’m not feeling stable enough, to go to Chipotle..  Relaxation.  What you could be “reading for”… Without belief in miracles, we are like reeds, blowing in the wind… “Reeds”..  Reads.  Why are you “reading”/reeding?  What is that for?  What did you do that for?  Up.  I’m Up, in this town in central Pennsylvania.  I wanted to be Up, in Pittsburgh.  The most awake person in Pittsburgh.  Why would you want to do that?  Be “Up”?  Wouldn’t that be a tough job?  Why do they keep using the same person?  Good question – these are the shoot-out artists.  I don’t understand it at all, do you?  Seems like it would be difficult to explain that to a normal person.  Tell Anatole.  What you could have been looking “into”… Depends what you mean by “into”…  What have we been supporting.  Feels like I’m tripping.  It was unexplainable, I don’t even know what they did.  Secret rules.  How it would go.  I didn’t understand it.  What they could have been giving you.  The gift.  Gifted and Talented.  What “gift” were you given?  I stole a lot of money from you.  Seems like I owe you big time.  “Owe”… To whom do we “owe” this pleasure.  To what?  What you could be thinking of. 

 


 

 

 

 

Inner-brain Terminology

 

 

What you could be considering, figuring.  As you were to, if you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I didn’t see you in here.  I’ve never called Isaak on the phone, but once.  Never invited him anywhere, to make him feel like home.  I guess I wasn’t a good friend.  Not historically speaking.  Not in terms of actually doing things.  I hear you’re a genius.  It melted down my brain.  I couldn’t deal with it.  I’d laugh, but it’s no laughing matter.  I guess.  I just suppose.  Anatole, I suppose, would be more attractive to ask out to a show.  How it would go.  What you would figure, consider.  If you had this sort of thing happening.  What you were to.  Lucas and Noel.  Names.  The biggest event ever, in the life of a culture?  They don’t publish books this “big” anymore?  Maybe I can give Lucas a little publicity / popularity.  Free.  For free.  If he wants that.  I think he does.  He does want his book to be published.  And if I could help make him famous enough to sell books… Then I think.  If I were to.  Certain, or uncertain, points.  What you would consider.  Whose tic’s you were developing.  What you were developing these tic’s for.  What use you could get.  This is how it would go.  How you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What we do, what we figure.  I guess.  Spaghetti.  That’s what the server rack looked like.  I’m glad I quit that job, but I learned a lot.  Wouldn’t have wanted to travel to other cities / countries.  Wouldn’t have wanted to stick with it.  I guess.  I don’t know.  A failure on several points.  Several points of difference.  Didn’t call him, save one time.  Left a low-key message.  Dull, you could say – down.  I guess it didn’t turn him on.  It didn’t do anything for him.  What you figure, consider.  I guess.  If I were to.  As I were to.  How popular you could imagine getting.  What you could imagine.  How difficult this could be thought to be.  If you wanted to duplicate this, later.  If different people wanted to duplicate.  Have kids?  Do you think this is the world to bring kids into?  If ~you can hardly deal with it?  How do you think kids would fare?  If they were introduced to the things you were introduced to.  How that would work.  If you were allowed.  How that would go.  How you would suppose.  Spoons.  Figures.  Different things.  You could be into doing.  “Doing” – what are you ~doing?  I guess that’s the question.  Going up against the Normative Matrix?  What are norms for?  To make sure normal people can live normal lives?  Normally, for a normal person.  The New Normal.  Maybe that’s what you’re proposing.  If you could be said to be.  Known to be.  Supposedly.  The little grooves your mind gets into.  Groovy.  Nice.  What you would have to imagine.  For that to be true.  For that to be thought to be true.  I guess.  Words.  What kind of “words you were writing”..  Kind?  They come in kinds?  This is what happens.  What we suppose.  What trips.  I feel like I’m tripping.  What happens if you power through?  It gets worse.  I’ve tried that technique.  Recognizing that you’re ~in a condition.  That is the first step to getting out of one.  Until you know what you’re dealing with.  What you could be writing.  What “one” would write.  If you won.  If you were “one”… On certain theories.  Primal theory.  This neighborhood is, if Janov is correct, a primal neighborhood.  They all are.  Childhood is a primal time.  Adulthood is a primal time.  And you want to bring kids into this shit?  Maybe not.  Maybe that’s not your style.  Depending on which woman you end up with.  That could make a difference.  Mt. Lebanon.  In terms of boring.  What you would suppose.  As you would figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Have people over to your Oakland apartment?  Hasn’t happened, much.  That was the last time I talked to Godfried.  What you’d figure.  Consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you’d have going on.  How you’d have to be writing.  For that to be something you would do.  Get into.

As you could.  Be certain of.  Owing your mom, for these points.  Certain points.  What you could have been looking into.  Were you conscious, that whole time?  Were you “always” conscious?  Be right there..  This is the most boring thing to watch.  Whose voices.  You could have been looking into.  We’ve had the fire on since what, 3:30?  These are women.  No they’re not.  Whose voice.  Was it certain?  Is this what people look into?  Like “some” of the points… “Points” – places are like people.  A place is a point.  The point.  The place is the point.  As closely as you could be looking into this.  Godfried didn’t know why your license was suspended.  I haven’t told too many people.  What we could be “in for”… Looking into.  Whose points?  Your own mother’s?  Is that what people think?  When they have children?  With certain problems with their mouths?  “The” mouth?  “The” brain?  “You use so many qualifications.”  How do you stop it?  Just turn it off.  Are you going to bed?  Not right now.  So should I turn the fire off or not?  You can turn it off.  Meanwhile the dog, is dead to the world.  What you could have been doing.  Some stuff.  Some stuff you were doing.  As you imagined.  As you continued to imagine.  You’ll survive.  Without Kiran for a night.  Okay, there we are.  She didn’t come up the other night either.  She’ll wander on up.  Maybe.  How much pain, Pain, that would cause.  You, or someone like you.  Like-you.  For someone to “like you”, what would that take?  How closely would they have to look into certain points?  If they were certain of their “high points”?  

Prison.  Where time and space are continuous.  Is that what they say?  Or what I imagine they would say, if I were to ask the appropriate question?  I guess it’s merely what I imagine they say.  Imagination can be a powerful tool.  For certain people.  Mind over matter?  Did David go to bed yet?  Not yet.  I know what you mean.  How could they?  How could they have looked so closely, into certain points?  Exactly, what you need.  We can get you exactly the help you need.  What exactly you might need.  What do you “need”?  Janovian needs?  Warmth, stability, food, drink, comfort?  I guess.  Some of the people in my class.  Could have been looking into.  But probably, actually, weren’t looking into.  “It”… What that might mean.  If you solved it.  “It” – the puzzle of your life.  If you were to solve it. 

Seems like Adorno might have been misrepresenting some of the philosophers, I’ve been looking into.  Seems like.  Borderline Personality Disorder.  Fully into Adorno, then you decide to leave him behind?  Done with Adorno?  Like people say they are done with Kant?  Is that what happens to people?  They seemingly have their fill, of a certain philosophy?

I guess I keep having things to write.  Schizophrenia.  Schizophrenic philosophy?  Is that really what you’ve been looking into?  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were to, as you were to.  Different things.  That could be going on, that could be happening.  If you were to, as you were to.  If you would think.  As you would think.  You like to write.  What, doesn’t matter so much.  You just like the action.  So you developed tic’s.  Compulsive, semi-conscious repetitions you can harness at any time.  In there.  And so forth.  The tic’s give you freedom, in a sense.  They allow you to always have something to say.  As it were.  What you’d consider, what you’d figure.  The music of ATP, the ~event of ATP, inspires me to think a bit more about the group.  What the group would think.  If they were to know.  As they were to know.  Unless you’re out of this world.  Made “out of” this “world”..  Raw unedited journal won’t cut it.  But that’s what I want.  What I’m interested in.  If I were interested in something else, I guess I’d be doing that.  New bursts of creativity, for the blog.  Different types of creativity.  How you’d figure/ consider.  Ultimately.  As you were to.  If you were to.  As it were.  If you were.  Things you’ve come across. 

As it would.  Getting the tic’s into your head.  But that’s where they come from.  Different parts of your brain.  The textual part to the mental part.  As you were.  As it would.  Different things.  Like, why you write tic’s.  Published works of tic’s.  Strange.  Not common.  Most writers avoid ticking.  They don’t like to get in that situation.  Where they have to tic.

As you would figure/ consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Is your theory really so empty, so bankrupt, that you have only tic’s to express/ relate?  Don’t you have anything else going on?  If people will never care about your work.  Seems colorful to me, especially when I’m in a condition.  Difficulty.  Difficulty with existence/ being.  Having trouble just being myself.  Deprivation torture I guess is a reality.  You ~have to do DT.  Unless you want to suffer.  In this world.  If you push a flashback, it will make things mentally more difficult for you.  Harder to fall asleep.  Distoritions, SI.  You should probably not push them, if you can help it.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Can you say they’re “bad”?  We need a whole new conception of the word “bad”… What you write about.  As you were to figure.

As you would figure/ consider.  I guess.  I don't know.  Love, or "analysis"... When you feel good.  A good dreammemory.  Or life.  Love, or analysis.  What you might suppose.  As you might figure.  It begins.  It begins to seem.  As you were to.  If you were to.  I’ve never been able to identify a trigger.  Is there anything you can do to bring one on?  What we consider / figure.  “You’re not homeless.”  (Yet.)  How you’d exist.  How you’d suppose.  That would matter.  Everything would matter. 

Do I have to care, if the neighbors are making noise?  Hysterical?  How does that affect me?  Should I let that impact me?  This is what happens.  What you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I guess I could be editing, instead of writing.  “Writing”… Maybe it’s the ~act of writing that I’m interested in.  ~Being a writer.  What a writer’s life is like.  You’re asking the whole world to focus on your person.  A bit audacious, a tad arrogant.  To think you have something to say that the whole world needs to hear.  Well, if they want to listen, they can.  Their choice.  Not up to me.  I’m giving them the choice.  As it would, as you’d consider.  Different things, you could have going on.  Ultimately.  Giving Gerd rides.  Might be part of your life.  The analysis.  What do you analyze the current situation as?  Is there a next step you can take?  How do you do that?  Exactly how?  What exactly you need.  As it would go, as you would go.  Resolve being tired, yawning.  If you weren’t going to tell him the choice cuts.  Give him the choicest cuts.  Of course that would make him tired.  As you consider. 

Lots of dreams of lacrosse practice.  A key interlude for me.  Cold-cocked.  I should have retaliated.  That would have led to further retaliations.  This is what happens.  He clocked me.  He stunned me.  I was in no condition to fight back.  I still dream of fighting back.  It’s still a scenario I play out in my mind.  Better that it didn’t happen.  Why increase the violence?  There’s been enough violence. 

As it’s been.  As it’s been considered.  As you are.  As you were.  The things.  In your mind.  Dreammemories.  Very nice, to have one.  About as nice as it gets.  I guess not too terrible nightmares..  Nothing I can remember.  Dream.  Up for the day.  “Up”… I’m Up in this town in central PA.  As it would go.  You consider.  You read what you wrote.  As you wrote it, you shall read it.  If it were to go like that.  You just like text.  The process of writing and reading.  That’s just what you like.  Thankfully.  Thank god they translated the Dictionary of Untranslatables from French.  This is what I think.  What I were to suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I know I’ve written that already.  Seems.  Seems like.  In a scene like.  Seen to be like.  What you understood the voices to be saying.  What the voices actually said.  Versus what you understood them to say.  I guess.  This is almost exactly how it would go.  Such as.  If.  Your identity.  Your crisis.  I don’t think it’s any big deal.  I was just writing ufp.  Of course it’s going to seem extreme, if you don’t treat it as fiction.  If you treat it as reality, it will seem out there.  If it’s just ufp, however, no big deal.  This is what would happen.  How we would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  Things like.  It would be.

As you were writing.  Things.  You’d have to consider, you’d have to suppose.  Why your hand would be numb..  Shaving?  Blade manipulation?  Perhaps.  There’s a reason for everything.  “Is there a reason why the Reverse light is on?”  “There’s probably a reason.”  No music.  Drive in silence.  That’s what the plan is.  Drive in peace.  If you were going to.  You might face some difficulty.  Some entries written for philosophers who know a lot of philosophy.  As it would go.  As you’d figure.  You’d suppose.  Outlets.  Is chat an appropriate outlet?  Is blog?  Is writing?  What do you ~really want to be doing?  Seeing the young women?  Walking around, amongst monstrosity and beauty?  Some of them might not be single, so they’re not going to respond to your looks.  Some might be into body pictures, so you wouldn’t qualify.  Some might be disturbed by your web presence, so the truth would turn them off.  You have to filter.  I think.  It’s what you’re going for.  Will people actually promote your work?  That’s how work gets popular.

As it would happen.  Exactly.  (Not a code-word for “god”, just itself – exactly…)  You don’t have to speak in a code.  Slave-language, with yourself.  You can say what’s actually the case, what’s actually happening.  Not “groovy to you”, but happening – going on.  What’s going on.  Different ways to correct yourself.  Your potentially crazy interpretations.  If you were insane.  Even if you were rational, sane, with regulated thinking, a flashback will happen to you.  Can’t seem to be avoided.  Can only make them less uncomfortable.  With the cognition and the rolling.  Maybe the eyes ~want to roll.  Maybe the cognition wants to go gamma.  I don’t know.  I’d just suppose.  What you do.  Listening to Berg.  Wishing you knew more German.  What you have to consider/ suppose.  I guess. 

As you were going to.  Different modalities of voice.  If your ~own voice was the philosophical telos.  Lucas would say that.  Look very closely, into yourself, your own voice.  That’s what Lucas would say.  If you should care about what Lucas would say.  Your mentor.  Your philosophical forefather.  This is what we do.  What we consider.  Are you trying to hypnotize me, into cutting my hair?  Is that what the suggestions are meant to do?  Responsive to verbal suggestion?  Unconscious, neurotic, fake, unreal?  I thought you won, I thought you were “one”… This is what we do.  We write, for a certain stretch of time.  During a certain stretch of time.  What if Adorno doesn’t have the answer.  What if Zizek doesn’t have the answer.  What if ~DCB has the answer?  Then.  Your brain.  I would think.  You’d take an interest in the productions/ expressions of your brain.  Your own brain.  Then I think.  I would think. 

Different things.  As you would consider.  Suppose.  Crypto currency will help the bad guys hide their money from authority.  There was a problem with Nazi’s hiding their money in secret Swiss bank accounts after WWII.  Today, third world dictators, for example.  As you would consider.  Mahler to Mars Volta.  I guess I have a wide musical experience.  Musically challenged, though.  According to Medges.  What he would know.  How “challenged” he is, in various areas.  To be a writer.  How well-rounded, how “on” you’d have to be.  You’d have to be the real deal, the full deal.  To be a writer.  To have the world focused on you.  Your little mind.  Infinite mind?  “Don’t you think you’re infinite?”  Meaning, forward propagation.  What we begin will have echoes forever.  For all time to come.  If not on this planet, with god.  God sees.  God knows what we’ve done.  What we’re doing.  Everything god.  What you could be looking into.  As you could be considering.  Things.  As you’d guess.  You’d suppose.  You’d begin to believe.  Or, not actually “begin”… Continue.  You’d continuously believe.  On some sort of continuous basis.  What does a crypto currency allow?  Crypto in general?  True crypto is illegal.  They don’t want communications that the NSA cannot hack into.  Listen into.  Crypto with conditions.  Secret from some.  What that would allow you to do.  As it would, as you’d consider.  Things that could be happening.  Voice – what if ~your voice was the key voice?  Philosophically.  Turning away from Adorno, Hegel.  Turning toward DCB.  I think.  What you’d have to do, you’d have to consider.  If Adorno is going to nitpick details… Then shouldn’t we be as picky with him?  “Science fiction is a sub-artistic genre.”  “People are spellbound, without exception.”  “No one is loved, can love.”  Kind of like Janov.  How detailed we could get into Janov’s reading.  What words people are searching for.  What they’re actually searching for.  Text. 

As you could consider.  Visual text loses its allure.  Its allure waxes and wanes.  It is a good method of information storage and retrieval.  But at a certain point, info content becomes secondary, and articulation becomes primary.  This is how that would work.  If you were to suppose.  I guess – I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things, you would consider.  Would you want people looking into points like this?  Continually? 

What you’ve been able to do / consider.  I guess.  What you suppose.  As far as you’ve come.  Dreams and all.  Looking into “trying to be a writer.”  As that would go.  As you would happen to the world.  Philosophical singularity?  Is that really possible?  Bad grades and all?  If you were trying to compete with people who had gotten good grades.  Might not work so well.  Depending who you were competing against.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would, as you do.  I’m not really sure.  Depends what type of competition.  “Most students I talk to can barely keep their heads above water…”  Academic, or nonacademic.  What type of writer you were trying to become.  Got the degree.  An accomplishment.  A tough one.  Not exactly easy.  They tried to filter you out, many times.  You used your consciousness to direct yourself through certain motions.  You were somehow able to direct yourself.  Your consciousness was somehow strong enough.

As you would figure, as you would suppose.  I guess.  I don't know.  The first writing of the day.  What you'd be thinking about.  If you were to revise your site.  On a regular basis.  Always perfecting, always tweaking.  What you consider, what you suppose.  Do you have anything to you?  Is there any substance to DCB now?  We know, before, there was.  There was a large quantity, of whatever quality.  But now, this, here, again?  I’m not so sure.  As it would go.  As you would consider.  You had to write that term, so many times.  Fuck the neighbors.  Fuck the landlord.  That’s my normal attitude.  A writer shouldn’t have to heed his neighbors’ rule.  Then it would be a culture of landlords, a culture of neighborhood thought control.  Going down the road.  Hypnotic suggestion.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you might consider.

 

 

 


 

 

 

Materialize Your Thinking

 

 

Which language you were able to speak at a native level.  It would all depend.  Text, visual text, loses its allure.  When you can make voice recordings.  Then.  It begins to seem.  It turns out that.  In the case that.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  Technology.  Digital recording and playback technology.  We are the first human generation to have access to this.  Even think of word processors.  Think of the interweb..!  It is allowing, it is enabling you.  To.  The.  The point is the place.  The place is like a character.  What “place” you have “arrived at”… What ~condition your mind is in.  It would all depend.  On what you had going on.  Where you were.  Where are you?  Exactly?  Do you believe a woman could be into you?  With schiz?  Would any woman select you?  With TUY?  Do people care about what you’ve written?  “You might be surprised at how little people care about what you’ve written.”  Movies versus books.  The total artform.  Which has more influence?  Why not have both?  If you like movies, if you like books.  Make a couple of each of them.  If you were a musician, give away all your music.  “I’m not Jesus Christ”… What Enzo said when asked if he would give his music freely.  This is how it would go.  How you would consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.

As you were to.  If you were to selectively deprive yourself of your own voice.  If you were to totally feed into the frequencies, messages, or voices.  Then I think it could become very difficult.  It’s normal to be completely insane?  Neurosis is how normal people are crazy.  Symbolic fake needs, struggle, misperception.  The consensus trance.  Being psychotic, I have a double whammy.  I am subject to the forces of both neurosis, and psychosis. 

The psychotic voices could have an agenda.  Their agenda could be to make you totally fucking insane.  As happened before, with your brain.  The forces in your brain.  Seeking to.  The forces seeking to do what?  Vectors, tendencies.  Everyone has to deal with neurosis.  You, in addition, have to deal with psychosis.  I’m just trying to give you ideas.  If you let the voices, messages, frequencies take over.  Then it might become very difficult.  If you’re not able to control your own voice.  Self-control.  Like what they said you lacked, as a child.  “Lacks self-control.”  What does that mean?  Who was controlling me?  Or were they trying to send me a message?  To my future self.  I was an out-of-control kid.  I did not behave normally. 

Borderline personality.  I stay on the borderline, between psychosis and normalcy.  I keep to the border.  Between rolling my eyes, and controlling my eyes. 

We’ve recognized the agenda of the voices messages frequencies.  Their agenda is to make you totally fucking insane.  We didn’t always know that.  They appear friendly, like they’re your friends.  They say “Relax” and “Thank you” and seem to respond intimately to your thoughts.  But.  If you listen to them.  If you let them take over your mind.  That ~is insanity.  Listening to insane psychotic voices.  Now you know.  You didn’t always know.  You thought the messages might have something good to tell you.  Something helpful.  Listening to them always worked in the past…?  Psychotic break, a year of insanity?  Talking to me is not going to help that.  But, given that I’m on medicine.  Then an understanding companion can be very useful and valuable in this journey we call life.  Given.  The drugs, meds, do their thing.  They need to develop a close therapeutic relationship with me.  (The doctors / therapists)… This is what has to happen.  You have to consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Do I let the tic’s take over?  Or can the tic’s be helpful?

As it would go.  As it could go.  In there, and so forth.  Different things.  You could have been looking “into”… Depending what you mean by “looking”, depending what you mean by “into”…  Personality disorder.  Borderline.  I didn’t realize it was the actual borderlines I was obsessed with scanning..  Not high points, not low points.  But borderlines.  I don’t know if I’m into the schizophrenic voices..  Letting other people’s voices take over.  I’m into my own voice.

What you could be doing.  Imagining.  Writing is a usage of your voice.  It is a way to use your voice.  If you’re not totally schizophrenic about it.  Relax on the schizophrenia.  Zero-symptom schizophrenia is not possible.  Depends what you mean by “symptom”… I’ve benefitted from a certain amount of free advice from my Dad Ph.D.  I guess not everyone would have this chance.  It is pretty strange that ~I had this chance.  We’re enabling you.  What the people paying for you to live this way.  Looking continually into.  Inspections all year round.  Scanning.  Once you’ve been scanned.  Certain points.  Do you need sleep?  Do you need as much sleep?  Or maybe you’re more sensitive to caffeine, now that you’re normal.  You can’t drink half-caff in the evening.  He was amazed we didn’t know who John Lennon was, when he was killed.  What you’ve been relaxing into.  Rolling into.  Could it have something to do with how good of a writer you are?  Or how bad? 

I’ve lost my desire to learn German.  Too hard.  Giving up.  Need to focus on English, anyway.  The language I speak / know.  New clinician today, Karen.  Met a med student, also.  I like “the healing set”… I like interacting with them.  The knowledge they have.  Embodied for example in the DSM.  I admire it.  It’s a lot of human knowledge.  You can’t just hallucinate your way through life.  Rely on messages to tell you how to live.  I thought you could.  I thought my messages were sensible.  If you know it’s a voice, it in a way is no longer a psychotic symptom.  Thanks for your support.  What I could be looking into.  Publishing a book?  Seems more fantastic, as the days go by.  Fantastic as in fantasy-like.  But I guess it’s possible.  If the sites were to get popular, for some reason.  If people were to turn on to the books.  That would be a case of.  In there.  And so forth.  I didn’t realize it would be a continual struggle, against psychosis.  It permeates my being.  When I stop using my own voice, intrusions instantly take over.  I have to be very intentional about what I’m thinking.

Intrusive thoughts are even more pernicious than voices – they’re even closer to consciousness, even harder to recognize.  I think I’m sensitive.  My subconscious brain is very powerful.  I allowed hypnotic access, direct channel access, to my psychosis.  I allowed it to take over my imagination.  A hard lesson to learn.  Better late than never.  Could have had profound consequences, for my treatment (clozaril)..  This is what happens.  I like other people’s voices, but I’m not so sure about other people’s topics.  I don’t know if I want to go back to psych rehab.  Too much wasted conversation.  Conversation I have no interest in.  Other people’s problems.  Psycho-educational talks and readings.  I don’t need the education.  I really belong in a philosophy Ph.D. program.  Or something equivalent.  A hospital.  I don’t think I ~belong in a psych rehab program.  I think I’m too high functional.  I belong at the upper limits of human activity and endeavor.  The readings we do are below my level.  I don’t need to be doing elementary school type studies.  It’s like being back in elementary school.  I ~can do it – but ~should I do it, is the question.  Revisiting elementary school might have its benefits.  But I think there are some drawbacks.  It’s confusing to deal with material that is so beneath my level of intellect.  That’s what it does – confuses me.  I need to be selective, about what I allow in my imagination.  I need to become a greater judge of character and situations.  It sort of numbs your powers of judgment, to sit through elementary school activities.  I need to become even ~more selective and judgmental about what’s happening around me.

As it would go.  A circle is never straight.  It is curved.  The slope of the tangent to the circle… But a tangent only touches the circle at one point.  So it is really not similar.  A curve always deviates.  It is a systematic deviation.  A circle never contains a straight line – a line made by going straight through two different points.  Mathematics.  Puzzles.  The things I think about.  Imagination.  Post-doc level of comprehension.  I’m not saying I have the ultimate solution for my life.  Romance, intimacy.  I think there’s some confusion.  I don’t think I need “social” so much as “intimate”… Generic social experience is really worthless.  It’s basically small-talk, trivia, and anecdote.  That’s what a general social experience will give you.  It’s approach and avoid.  You approach people, only to avoid them when you get close.  I think intimacy would be interesting.  I’m not attracted to mental patients.  I’m attracted to functionality, education, sophistication, and beauty.  A mental woman will probably not have those things.  I want a ~normal woman.  I don’t need crazy at all.  How I’m going to meet one is still unknown.  I don’t think I should be looking to the clinic for hooking up.  I don’t think that’s the way the clinic is useful to me.  It’s useful for other reasons.  Double Trouble is a ritual.  I’m willing to get with the program once a week, in that sense.  In a limited sense.  I don’t want any more contact with the program than that.  If you think about the concept of the social.  It’s really meaningless.  Not the concept, but the material, the matter.  Going through simplistic texts.  Playing simplistic roles. 

As you would figure, consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  This is what’s going on.  If you were to, as you were to.  Ticking out some philosophy.  Is it like fiction, or like philosophy?  Looking into these points.  At a certain – or uncertain – point.  What you’d consider.  As you’d figure.  Things.  Different things, going on, in David’s life.  What we suppose.  What we react to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I’m just ticking away, ticking through my day.  It’s what I do.  I’ll redact/edit later.  For now, this.  This is what you get, for now.  If you were to.  As, is.  This is what happens.  Don’t really have much philosophy on my mind.  Don’t really have much of ~anything on my mind.  Thinking of flashbacks.  How the next flashback will hit me.  How it will seem.  That’s what we figure, consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we do, what we contemplate.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were going to come this far, go this far.  ANM.  What norms are for, what the NM is for.  Maybe good reasons.  Life, the world.  Bringing kids into this world.  I don’t think I agree with that.  As you would, if you would.  It depends.  What you have going through your mind.  On a day like today.  Will you have to do anything?  Go to lunch, go to a museum?  Canned tomato sauce.  Pop art.  That picture is worth millions today.  There’s a fool born every minute.  What we suppose.  How we were to.  If we were to.  Getting tired of the routine.  Routine activity.  What you’re down for… Sitting on the couch, as usual?  Is that all you want out of life?  Could you imagine an alternative?  A different life?  Is that what this is all about?  If you figure, as you figure.  Ticking through the ticking energy, until you reach the core language.  Real language.  Something you really want to talk about.  What if you ~don’t want to go for lunch?  What if you don’t even want to go to the museum?  How would that go?  How will that go?  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  As you, if you.  What we have going on.  As we were to.  If we were to.

Maybe get back into writing.  You can write whatever you want.  Your imagination.  As long as it’s not automatic, psychotic thought.  It can be tricky, to identify automatic thinking.  It feels the same as normal thinking.  But long familiarity with the flashbacks has enabled me to more easily know when I am deviating from conscious intention, into out-of-control psychosis.  What you figure.  Therefore, if we take ourselves as the model.  A good starting point would be.  I don’t want a mental patient.  I want an intelligent, high-functioning, sophisticated, elegant beautiful woman.  I don’t come to the clinic for romance.  I don’t think that’s the best usage for the clinic.  Even lunch with Jones is more an excuse to eat some food, with the added benefit of some philosophical discussion.  He’s crazy, he’s obsessive and repetitive.  I put up with it, trying to be a friend.  I can’t predict exactly how the romance is going to happen.  I know it’s possible.  Women have wanted me in the past.  I have chosen to ignore them all.  The farther you go, the closer you get, to women.  The farther “along the way” you’ve reached.  Means you’re ~closer to women.  I guess that’s not automatic.  That’s not certain.  In life, that you’ll get close to women.  Would I want to put a woman through TUY?  Having to tell her friends and relatives about my site?  Or – is ~that the filter.  It is the ~ultimate selection pressure.  I ~need a woman that good, who can deal with TUY.  That’s the only kind of woman who will ultimately work. 

The type of interaction with life.  What that would mean for you.  I’m good at ~writing.  I like ~writing.  And consciousness.  Not speech, so much.  Historically, and currently.  Not as able to get into a lot of speech.  Historically, and currently.  I want to get ~away from mental illness.  Farther away.  I don’t think I want to date a schizophrenic woman.  I think I want to date a highly functional woman, sophisticated, brilliant, normal, healthy.  She can be weird, but she should be normal, non-pathological.  No personality disorder desired.  This is what happens.  The circle is true infinity.  The line is bad, false infinity.  The circle always curves.  There is no part of the circle which is a straight line.  It always continuously curves.  Things I could be considering.  Getting more into the physics / mathematics.  Why does a body at rest tend to stay at rest?  Inertia.  Why does energy equal mass times speed of light squared?  That seems big.  Like a big correlation / equivalency.  This is what I do, what I discover.  I like to think about math, about geometry.  I’ve thought about Ethics already.  I don’t think academics is what I need.  I don’t think I’d want to sit through someone’s “class”… As to what the ultimate solution for my life is, I don’t yet know.  I can’t predict that.  It will involve writing.  It will hopefully involve intimacy.  I like clinical sessions, family time, and intimacy.  Not even friendship so much.  Which is too close to generic social experience.  Which I’ve analyzed as meaningless.  It’s just activity.  Muscle movement.  Muscle memory.  I’m more into consciousness – thinking.  I don’t need to play simplistic roles.  Second- or third-grade level.  Rehab confuses me.  I need to get ~more selective, more judgmental, about the experiences I participate in.  The simple, repetitive, unsophisticated nature of rehab confuses me.  When I should be discriminating even ~more, I instead am conditioned to accept anything – small-talk, trivia, anecdote.  It’s confusing.  I’m glad I got out of it.  I’m glad I found a good “out”… The flashbacks at least did ~that for me.  Got me out of rehab.  It was a good experience, just to research and learn about rehab.  I don’t need it permanently though.  Writing, clinical sessions, family time and intimacy are really the only things I need permanently.  I don’t know if I’d deal with a job.  OPT, lots of it.  I need to focus on my own topics.  I need to really concentrate.  If I get distracted, a flashback comes on.  They can be very difficult to deal with.  If I let myself hallucinate intrusive thoughts.  Then, here comes a flashback.  If I’m not allowed to fully focus on my own special topics of interest.  If I get distracted by external events.  The flashbacks are hellish.  It’s because I’m so sensitive to language.  The voices / intrusive thoughts have a really easy time of influencing me.  I’m so sensitive to language.

As you would.  If you were to be single, and have come this far.  Need to be single, to attain some of this realization.  Intimacy might have distorted the issue.  As to what you ~need to have done.  As you would.  As you were to do it.  Affective.  Emotional, feeling level is the ultimate problem for me.  I can gain control of the voices, the thinking, the eye rolling.  But the feelings, the emotional level, is my ultimate problem.  How crazy, how afraid I feel.  Good to have figured this out.  Better late than never.  It’s not so much the voices/thinking/thoughts, as it’s the ~feelings they embody.  Anxiety.  A lucid, flexible, fully real level/layer of access to your feelings.  If people could know how you’re feeling.  A gentle introduction.  To stuff like this.  Would have to involve.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.

It could seem.  Thank you for your time and effort.  What certain voices.  Fragmenting consciousness.  Which thoughts you were entertaining.  Really focus on your thinking.  DT to the max.  I think the writing might not always be the best choice.  It mimics the psychotic process.

What you do.  As you figure.  Different reasons you’re so familiar with psychotic thought.  Maybe you have to become familiar with it.  Before you’re able to transcend it, battle it.  Maybe that takes a great knowledge.  What you’ve been considering.  Enter the Void.  Two stars?  Is that an accurate assessment?  What do you do?  How do you suppose?  You know what you need to do if it becomes a “certain time”… Some serious self-talk.  Some serious DT.  As intense as the problem.  The solution must be as intense.  The LSD tripping may have been a general introduction into the kind of potency.  That you would need to battle the flashback energy with.  Do you still write?  Is this disrupting your normal activities?  Are you still able to write?  I just like to think, lately.  Don’t need to write about it.  Just want to do DT. 

Getting into it.  The writing, the Youtube, the Facebook, the Genome+, the Agent Chlorophyl – all of it – the total online experience.  You get connected.  You connect with your peeps.  It becomes a matter.  If you were to.  As you were to.  If I’d want to change my keywords.  If I’d want to more realistically target the sites.  As to what people were looking into.  What they could actually be.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Getting nearer, perhaps, to a certain point.  Where I’ll have to use my DT ability, to confront the energies of psychosis.  What we do.  What we consider.  As you were to.  If you were to.  I don’t think I could work a job.  We’re not at that stage yet.  We’re not anywhere near that.  If your sites.  What you’ve been doing.  Online.  For everyone to see.  For everyone to think about.  How it would go.  How you would consider / suppose.  Things.  Certain things, or uncertain things?  I guess when you reach a point like this.  If you want to write, or just do DT.  It’s up to you.  I’m in a writing groove at the moment.  Don’t need to chill out, just yet.  Not exactly now.  I’ve tried to write some music myself, so I can appreciate the musical imagination it must have taken to write this one.  As you’d figure.  As you’d consider.  I think it becomes a matter.  Of.  What you were trying to get into.

My strategy for escape doesn’t always work.  Seems like I can delay.  But the source of the craziness is still there.  Irrespective of the voices or thoughts… It’s the affective thing that’s bothersome.  It doesn’t even feel bad.  It might ~be bad.  Certain people, at certain times.  It seems like some of the people.  At least sometimes.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  If I’m not careful enough.  If I ignore the condition, it develops a really strong intensity.  I seem to have figured out how to deal with the voices.  But the consciousness is still out-of-control.  Seems like I don’t have the intensity to counter it.  LSD, could have been a general introduction.  To some of these things.  You took LSD.  Why did you do that, if it makes you psychotic?  I was desperate – I’d do anything.  This is what happens.  What you’d think / expect.  I didn’t think it would matter.  (The smoking on film.)  I just didn’t think it was a big deal.  Depends what you think of pot.  Civil disobedience?  How to spell all the words?  What they could have been trying to teach you in elementary school?  How this will seem in some very real tomorrow?

As you do, as you see.  What you could be working on.  In the ultimate analysis.  How that would go.  If you were to, as you were to.  Write.  As you were to write.  What that would be like.  For you, and the people who care about you.  How that would work.  Shown your place / significance in the universe, all at once, your total impact.  Would that drive you mad, or would you say “Cool!”  This is what it makes me think.  What I would write.  As I would write.  Different things. 

I shouldn’t lose faith in writing / text.  Even though the voices can seem too much.  Too much like it’s feeding into voices.  The structure of your consciousness.  How it is said matters as much as what is said.  Ether’s analysis would be a content-prejudiced analysis.  If you’re actually concerned with the structure of your imagination, then your tone of voice, your rhythm and mental style, will matter a lot.  Abstracting is not the solution – reducing mental verbal to text.. 

This is yesterday’s tomorrow.  Some of the rehashing/rehearsal could seem very real to you.  In some strange tomorrow.  It could be actual memories and actual anticipation.  Roger owns this building.  Something I realize from time to time.  Things have worked out well.  If I were going to send myself a message, to my past self, I would say “Don’t be anxious – things will work out..”  If I can gain the standpoint of eternity.  What I could be doing.  “How did you write so much?”  “Years..”  What you were trying to do with your writing.  It has to make an impact on this, here, now very real world.  Not in some ideal future.  The impact has to be synchronous.  If you want your doctrine to spread.  To your corps.  Beyond your corpse.  If you were to.  As you were to.  What does ~writing do?  Is it a feeding, or is it a creation? 

I’m not entirely sure you need the stress of being recorded, of being on record.  You can just use your voice by yourself, to talk to yourself.  You have recorded enough voices.  Maybe you’ll do more later.  Not now.  Now is not the time.  I guess I’m writing.  I’m learning what writing is all about.  Whether it is artificial.  Or whether it is true language, true consciousness.  Gerd, I didn’t know you were such a good writer.  You should write more.  What we figure, what we consider.  As we were to.  Getting “automatic”?  Not being able to consciously control your thoughts?  I guess that’s what happens.  I’m not in full control.  The structures don’t allow it.

These people (musicians) could have ~identical sensibilities, to you.  That’s universal.  That’s strange.  Even though they’re singular musicians.  In their own realm.  They have “connected with you.”  If that took a singular attempt.  How many musicians could do that.  Not very many.  But when it happens…  Then you know, it’s possible.  CRR?  Different experiences you’ve had?  Squirrel Hill?  Pitt ID, good ‘till 2009?  Treat it like gold.  This is what happens.  What you figure / consider.  As it would.  As you could.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Using your phone?  Is that okay?  He was trying not to get killed.  Were you trying to break my leg?  I’d take you to the hood with me.  Different things.  How you play guitar.  How your guitar playing has changed.  Since you’ve been living here.  What that would have done to your “playing” in general.  How you “play”?  Do you work here?  No, can I help you with something?  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  You’re good with kids.  Kids like you. 

What I could tell the doctors.  I guess you ~can solve extremely difficult psychiatric problems without going inpatient…!  This is how we figure.  How we’d suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  As you were to.

If you notice a flashback, and keep on rolling, things might become very difficult for you.  You have to almost instantly change your mode into a thought-control mode.  I guess.  I know.  I consider.  As you would, if you would.  Depending how strong the flashback is.  Some you might have to close your eyes for, some you might have to lie down for.  It all depends.  I’m pretty smart, pretty creative.  Yet generating an original continuous monologue can still be hard for me.  For a less creative person?  Maybe ~everyone is “creative” in this self-narrative sense.  Everyone can come up with a narrative.  And they do.  If you were able to control your mind.  Wouldn’t you have controlled your mind into getting the surgery, asking for help?  Or were you under control?  Conditioned?  Programmed.  I think.  That’s what it seems like.

Writing and reading are too much like psychosis.  When I’m having an LSD flashback, I really simply need to ~think.  I don’t think I’m having one now.  You would know.  They sneak up on you.  If you try to deny that you’re in one, it will just roll over you.  I think you got what you needed from psych rehab.  This is what I do.  What I’d consider.  Recommend everyone to see my site?  Listen to the Mountain Tapes?  I guess so.  I guess that ~is my recommendation. 

 

 

 


 

 

Baeka Made Every Creature with its Virtues

 

 

That’s the thing.  Some of these times.  Writing is inventing new voices.  Reading is being hypnotized by the old ones.  Sometimes, I just need to ~think.  I don’t need to make it textual.

What you’d figure.  If you were going to make a compulsive habit out of this.  Listening to your voices.  Voice and voices.  Don’t exactly want to kill myself.  Good to know it’s an option, if I absolutely need to.  It’s a miracle that I’m alive.  Each day is a miracle.  But statistically speaking, you’ll probably survive longer.  Just going by statistics.  Whether Barnaby would understand, or not.  I guess.  I’m not sure.  Not at all.  I just have to generate some more voices..  That’s what writing is.  When sitting in silence, doing DT, can become difficult – why not turn on some music, and pick up the computer and write?  If the DT in silence wasn’t going too well.  Dreams of Gerd’s bitcoin operation, with Barnaby.  Telling Barnaby he should work in Gerd’s bitcoin store.  I guess we all have our dreams.  We all have our potentials.  I guess.  I don’t know – not for sure.  It’s what you’d figure, how you’d consider.  If you were operating with those voices happening. 

If people looking into that.  Were thinking.  I seem to be able to cope with the energies.  Every noise from the hallway gives me anxiety.  Used to the workmen coming knocking.  I guess that’s my problem, I have to get over.  How long will I remain anxious?  Only time will tell.  You can still write.  You can still read yourself, you can still read Adorno.  You don’t have to completely change your life.  Now that you have a coping strategy.  You don’t have to do DT constantly.  That gets tiring.  You only need to do it at critical times.  This is what you figure.  You ~wanted tic’s.  You wanted to be able to write constantly, to pound out automatic lines.  You felt the desire for tic’s, but didn’t realize that actual tic’s would be your answer.  I suppose.  And so forth.  In there.  I guess.  I don’t know.  This is how that would go.  Almost exactly.  Don’t want to commit suicide.  How mom would think, how dad would think, if I did that.  Anatole.  Ida.  Different things.  I don’t want to kill myself.  But I do want to go in the hospital.  Why do you want to go in the mental hospital?  The food?  Maybe you need to be living in a group environment.  A structured environment.  Supervised.  Do you need to be “observed”, doing what you do?  What do you do?  As you are writing revolutionary texts?  What would that do to you?  Who would want to observe that?

As it would go, as you could imagine. 

What you’d consider.  How you’d suppose.  In this “type” of world.  The heavy use of italics, in analytic philosophy.  Like we’re stupid.  Like we need things to be emphasized that much.  This is what you’d figure, how you’d consider.  What you’ve written.  The establishment.  The channels.  Literal television channels.  Or, channels into the language of various spirits/ people.  Channeling Kant?  I guess I was.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just try to write.  Adorno, Benjamin, DeLillo, Pynchon.  Already out there, doing their thing.  I have to do something different.  You’d figure.  You’d naturally consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  David Christian Baird.  The name I’m going by, calling myself.  Because it’s unique on the internet.  It points to my stuff, on a Genome search.  I turn up first.  That is something.  How you’d figure / consider.  I guess.  Certain people, at certain times?  You have the same brain.  It’s still as potentially insane.  It might not be currently ~feeling insane.  But the potential is always there.  Now that you know this.  Now that you realize.  I don’t want to kill myself.  But a trip into the hospital?  Why do you want to go in?  The good food?  The attention?  I guess.  I don’t know.  The trip, of it.  Of the hospital.  It’s a trip.  It’s a vacation from the world. 

As it would go.  If you would figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – not for sure.  What I have going on.

Here’s my number, I love you, I won’t change it until I hear from you.  You should call her.  Maybe..  This is what I do.  Some of the energy.  You could have been noticing.  The neighbors.  If certain people.  As certain people.  Isness as asness.  Isness ~is asness.  As we’d consider, as we’d suppose.  This is what happens.  To you.  Today, now, here, this, again.  A kind of disturbing film.  Some of the language is kind of disturbing.  “The age of consent is 21 in Pennsylvania.”  “Pittsburgh bands is hot.  No one disagrees with this.”  “Pittsburgh bands got the women and the girls.”  I don’t know why exactly I chose to say those things.  Hard to tell, high as hell?  Were you high when you made this film?  As high as you can possibly be.  How much do you smoke?  Fifteen times a day.  As much as I could afford.  The maximum input level.  That’s what I seemed to go for.  What you figure.  What you suppose.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Maybe ticking is a nice life.  No one bothers you, you just tic the night away.  If you were to consider.  As you were to consider.  This is what would happen.  What you’d do.  Why exactly did you say those things?  Why did you sing “Downtown, downtown..”?  Why did you call the film Downtown?  I guess I must have had some reason.  Why is the reverse light on?  There must be a reason.  There is probably a reason.  What you’d consider / suppose.  I don’t go to too many shows anymore.  I’m not adventurous enough.  Not anymore.  In the past, sure.  As you’d figure.  As you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What you would consider.

If you did.  If it could.  I don’t want an adventure, take-off at the bar.  That’s not the kind of adventure I’m out for.  I don’t want a buzz – that’s not the point of life.  Being drunk is not the point, being high, tripping.  I trip hard enough sober.  What I’ve been discovering.  The mental modality.  I seem to be better under self-control with the physical modalities.  The mental modality is the one in question.  What we do.  Imagining recovery.  Voice and voices.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just assume, I just fathom.  Determinacy.  Tolerance.  Discovery.  Discord.  Strife.  What I’m into.  Random word search.  Random generation.  How random can you get?

What you do, what you notice.  I like my random word chains.  It’s what I’m into.  Maybe you reach a certain point, as a writer.  You finally reach the point.  Where random is what you crave.

I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Static text, not as dynamic as the mind and DT.  That’s what you keep in mind.  Any experiment with reading text is going to involve a lot of ~static structure.  When your mind can be dynamic, why need static?  That is my question of the day.  Things we have going on.  Things we like to consider.  As it would go, as you would go.  I guess.

Sometimes the text, the static page, is alluring.  It’s seductive – all that structure.  Big symbols.  What you get, what you want.  If you have random word generation.  But it’s not ~totally random.  There is a rationality to it.  The chains of free-association in my mind.  What DCB is all about.  Will TUY get big?  It would have to, to enable you to publish, and get an income.  You’re going to ~have to have that site get big.  That’s really your only alternative.  There is no other way to fame / popularity / sales.  Sales mean fame mean popularity.  People will have to tell each other.  That’s what will have to happen.  Is that what I should be advertising?  If I wanted to target my adds more effectively.  What are people into?  Film?  But I don’t seem to be making too much new film… I have my work, what I’ve already done.  A collection of films, songs, texts.  Do I need to keep doing more?  It ~would be nice to offer something for sale.  This is how it goes.  How you’d consider.  You’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.

This is how it goes.  What you consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Bitcoin..!  It seems like magic.  An anonymous manner of money.  But the banking financial system evolved for some rational reasons.  Things evolved to work.  They couldn’t work any other way.  Maybe bitcoins will work.  Maybe they won’t.  You can buy illegal drugs with them.  Why do people need anonymous money?  Criminals?  Why does a normal person need this?  This is what happens.  It’s almost exactly like.  You get to discover, you get to be.  Things you could be thinking about.  What kind of work could you be doing?  Mental work?  With your mental problems?  Physical work, with your back and tendon problems?  I don’t know.  Hard to say, exactly.  What you would be good for.  In the world.  You could kill yourself, if things got really hopeless.  Things have worked out, so far.  As of yet.  ‘Till the present moment.  So far.  And so forth.  What you discover.  What you succeed.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  How you’d create, how you’d compose.  Buy bitcoins?  From Gerd?  Is that what you recommend people do?  Who are you recommending this to?  Do people want me to promote them with my website?  Would I want to do that? 

How it would go.  What you would consider.  Consciousness.  It’s not a priori that voices are bad.  Coming from the unconscious brain, they could have a special access to the truth.  It’s not a priori that it’s insane to listen to voices.  But, a posteriori, you can realize – a complex realization – that voices simply just lead to insanity.  Nice that you learned that lesson.  And you know that blunt objects are not good to have near your bed/pillow, in case you shift around in the middle of the night, and smash your head/eye into the object.  Good lesson to learn.  Learned that the best way possible.  I’m surprised more people don’t fall.  Once you’ve reached consciousness.  Consciousness is not simply awareness of one level of the brain.  It is an integrated experience of thinking, feeling, and sensation.  All three levels at once.  Janovian Primal experience leads to the grail, consciousness.  You won could mean you provisionally won consciousness.  You became “one” – unified.  A unified self.  That is what it would mean.  Might mean.  And you do grow tired of this.  This can be exhausting.

What you’d do.  What you’d consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  You could be considering. 

What if your web host decided they didn’t like certain content on certain pages?  What would happen then?  What kind of world would ~that be?  Not as enjoyable of a world.  I think.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  I just create.  What you consider.  What you suppose.  If certain sites were to get popular.  It would have to do with the sites’ popularity.  And also, people knowing your name.  If they knew your name, and searched Axis-Tone.  Or the web.  What would they find?  Considering that?  Supposing that?  I guess – I don’t know – not for sure.  What we could be “getting into”..

What you consider.  What you figure.  Is this my new modality?  To come up with free association word chains?  Perhaps.  I guess this must do something interesting to my brain.  Visual hallucination at night, waking up from listening to music in my sleep?  Is that what you get?  “I’m getting impatient for inpatient psychiatric admission.”  Do I really need to be admitted?  Are the fb’s that bad?  They can seem pretty bad.  But maybe Pain is educational.  Maybe you ~learn from Pain.. Primal pain, non-Janovian.  What you consider.  What you figure.

As it would happen.  As far as my contribution, I was thinking of helping to make a movie.  This is what goes on.  What happens.  It becomes.  It can be said.  It can be supposed.  As you would consider, as you would figure.  Different things.  As it would happen.  Alternatives to thought.  This is how it goes.  How it would happen.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  Making a movie of bitcoin.  I don’t know if it ~needs to be done.  I have my own projects.  I have my own agenda.  What we’d consider, suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  I guess, I don’t know.

What, if, do.  Things.  Total asshole?  Nonresponsive to normal conversation / emotions?  Is that what you’re looking at?  What ~exactly you’ve been doing.  If you could realize this.  Somehow give your own project validity.  Somehow revalue your own project on the earth.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Run out of things to say.  Don’t have much to say, at this point.  What you’d be considering / figuring.  If anyone were to inquire.  What they would find.  What you would see.  “You think he can tell.”  Just by looking at you, one time.  How crazy you’ve been..  This is what happens.  “Bring it on..”  Allow the conditions.  Allow a flashback to happen.  Although, by this point, there isn’t much you can get out of one.  Not too many lessons to be learned.  That you haven’t already learned.  About.  This is what happens.  In the hospital, inpatient.  How that would go.  How you would suppose.  Do you care about anything, anymore?  Not even reading Adorno, not even reading yourself, really.  Although you have more reality than Adorno.  He’s abstract.  He can be safely ignored.  What you can safely pay attention to, in the world / life.  If you didn’t know that.  If you didn’t know what reading philosophy does to/for you.  Basically, not much, except further philosophy.  Ultra-fictional philosophy?  Maybe that is the highest type.  Shakespeare.  Computer books.  You don’t need Adorno.  If you ever did.  What we figure/ consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

As you could go, as you could consider.  Things.  That you would consider, that you would suppose.  Almost like.  Almost exactly like.  I didn’t realize.  The complexity.  What must be happening, for the stream of consciousness to semi-randomly develop.  Think of particle physics.  ~That is how complex reality has to be, to work.  Must have taken a lot of tinkering.  Would imagine.  Would almost certainly imagine.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What I have to contribute.  A different contribution.  Not necessarily entertaining Slashdot material.  Not necessarily what we’re talking about.  Development of philosophy.  Free-form sophistry.  What the world is.  The Financial Times.  What’s happening in the world.  As the ~world would consider.  As the world would suppose.  What you’d have to develop.  Different sectors of the brain.  Different sessions/sections.  All in competition to put things on the block-chain.  My interest is more theoretical.  I don’t want to make money off of it.  I just want to watch it develop.  Contribute to the understanding of the phenomenon.  I have no money to invest.  Although I will invest my time, into the making of a movie.  I think it is a key topic.  Discourse topics.  And I sometimes choose to write.  Sometimes, it seems like the thing to do.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Can be hard to maintain self-control..  Extremely hard.  But good conditions can be reached.  Creative destruction.  I won’t have the fake alternative anymore.  No more fake.  I’ll have to seek out the real.  If that works.  If that’s possible.  No porn, no fake sex.  That’s pretty admirable.  If you can do it.  I would say that’s a success.  Of some sort.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you get out of life. 

The dynamic allocation of mental, narrative reality.  It is uncertain – there is some chance to it.  What you’ve discovered.  As it would go.  If you were to.  The things you like to do.  What you’ve over time grown to enjoy doing.  What you’ve hypnotized yourself into enjoying.  Random chaos is nice to experience.  There’s already enough of the “ordered” language.  You want some disorder.  I guess.

Don’t want to read.  Maybe that’s my realization.  I can write a bit.  But really – do I want to deepen my relationship with static text?  I don’t think so.  Not now.  Not anymore.  Sorry I didn’t call you for two months.  That’s how it goes.  How you figure.  Consider.  What type of collaboration you’d want to participate in.  Like-minded individuals.  What you could write.  If there is an alternative.  To what you’re thinking.  If you would suppose.  If you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  You like your tic’s.  You like ticking.  Why resist that impulse?  If you’re going to write?  Why not just write what you want to?  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

What you do, what you consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  Almost certainly.  Like you’d.  As you’d.  This is what you have going on.  Isaak figured it out, the routers and the switches.  I wouldn’t have been able to do that.  I would have melted down.  I guess I ~did melt down.  In my own way.  Documenting everything.  As it would go, as you would consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  I’m not good at I.T.  Wouldn’t have done well to stay there.  I’m more into creative stuff.  Writing, thinking, reading, looking, listening.  I’m good at creative stuff.  I’m not really a technical guy.  I know how to use technological tools well.  Like computers.  I’m a user, not a sysadmin.  What I consider.  How I’d figure.  How I’d suppose.  If you, as you.  As it would go.  If you would go.  Things.  Like.  You could be doing.

As it goes, as you’d figure.  I guess.  I’m not sure.  What random words, free-associated words, will do for you, or for the world.  As it would happen.  As you would consider, suppose.  What you could have going on.  What you could consider.  As you would figure.  As you would compose.  I’m proud of Isaak for figuring out the routers and the switches.  He did good. 

Back to the drawing board.  The drawing Baird.  The best place to be.  What you consider.  What you figure.  Being a Schizophrenic?  Is that the good book idea?  Or do you need to write a ~novel?  Is that what’s been happening the whole time?  What could be considered?  To have happened to your literary talent?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I need to do ~something.  The right thing. 

 

 


 

 

 

Composite Would Like to Know

 

 

As it goes.  You have, you translate.  This is what happens.  What you figure.  As you were to, if you were to.  Different things.  Feeling a bit “strange” / bad.  Like being here at home could be depressing me.  Day after day.  Day-in, day-out.  I’m only used to three days at a time.  I’m not used to full-time.  This is how it goes.  What we consider / suppose.  If you were to write P Dobbs.  What is this text for?  You’re using it as a journal?  Meanwhile, you’re supposedly editing it into a book form?  Isn’t that a bit confused?  Or maybe it’s ~natural.  To keep it dynamic, to keep it growing, keep writing into it, as you’re working on it.  I’m not sure writing like this is valuable to me, anymore.  Journal.  Free-form sophistry, brain garbage.  I’m not sure how much value it has.  Why I’m doing it.  It’s just what I do.  But is it what I ~want to do?  That’s the question.  I guess I could be doing something else.  Anyways.  In any case.  I suppose.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we consider.

What I could have going on.  As you would figure, consider.  Demand for my work.  Existent demand versus nonexistent?  I guess that’s the distinction.  Anyone who’s heard of my books could probably get a copy from whoever they heard it from.  So I’m not depriving anyone.  Only the people who would-have-found me.  I could be said to be depriving that segment.  Sections/sessions/sectors of the brain.  Get rewarded by having their formulations reach the stream.  The more of your formulations that reach the stream, the more you grow in power.  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  It’s what we’d do.  What we’d consider.  I guess.  Maybe this will make a difference.  Finally.  Maybe there will be some kind of resolution.  Re-solution.  A solution, once more.  I can only hope.  I can only imagine.

Nervous in the service.  Anxiety problems.  SI.  I don’t think anyone should have to deal with this much anxiety.  What we’d do.  As we’d figure / consider.  Call Resolve?  Tell them you’re having a nervous breakdown?  Why are you asking for my help?  Said God.  Do you need some help with this situation?  What is today’s message to the brain?  Going to kill yourself?  Or ~not going to kill yourself.  Maybe time for a visit to the DEC.  Just for fun.  Tell them you’re suicidal.  Just for fun.  They’re probably used to people fucking with them.  Players.  “He’s not a player.”  What we consider.  As we’d figure.  What you simply like to write.  As far as you’d push that.  As far as you’d consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  What I like to write.  SI.  Time to write.  Time to explain to yourself, what’s happening.  If possible.  You had been ignoring the affective and the level of sensation.  You had been focusing too much on ~thinking.  Thinking is obviously key.  But it’s not the whole story.  Obviously.  What you’d consider / figure.  Time for food?

As you go.  This is how that would go.  Fake sex, or no.  Actually, yes – fake sex.  What we do.  What we consider.  As we were to suppose.  How you do, how you foresee.  Do you have anything going on?  Not at the moment – not much.  Not much to me, verbally / philosophically.  Recent insight about affective/conative/cognitive levels.  First, second, and third line, in Janov’s model.  I had been focusing on third line, and excluding the other two lines.  I now realize that was an error.  Well, better late than never.  How you awaken from childhood’s nightmare.  What you would consider.  Ski trips, ski bunnies.  The nightmare of childhood.  Maybe it would have been even worse, with a tongue.  If you could somehow imagine that.  Girls.  Sex.  Friends.  “Friends” who aren’t really good for you.  All of that.  It would have all went down.  Maybe a ~limited life was better.  Go to a meeting tonight?  To meet people?  Do you want to have interactions with those people, in a ritualized fashion?  Do you want a ritual?  You’d be better off going to the café.  If we’re talking about imagination and intelligence.  Using your life.  You were going to go to the DEC last night, because you were lonely.  Call Resolve, because you want someone to talk to.  That’s not ~exactly what these systems are set up to handle.  They’re set up for more critical events.  If you should need them.  As you should need them.  Would they let you in the hospital?  If your insurance will pay.  If you’re suicidal.  If you’re doing just fine, why would you go in the hospital?  These are realizations you have to have.  As it would.

As you would do.  Consider.  Self-exploitation, self-betrayal.  More gentle to yourself.  Embarrassing, hard to read.  Completely insane.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  As it would happen.  As you would do.  This is what happens.  What you’d figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  For a certain “session”, I had five books available online.  Which are now “missing”… The session is over.  The section/sector is over.  What you’d consider.  How you’d suppose.  Tic’s, verbal tic’s.  Why are you so attracted to them?  Hard to say.  Seems to be what you’re into writing.  Could you write poetry?  Fiction?  Philosophy?  I’m not so sure about that.  Not entirely.  What I could write, instead of journal.  Free-form sophistry.  I’d have to actually ~work on a text.  Not just “pound it out”.  Am I capable of doing that?  Perhaps.  We’ll see.

What I have to do.  What I’d have to do.  I’d be interested in seeing what kind of fiction you could come up with.  What would I write?  Instead of writing ~about writing – I would actually be writing, for once.  Hard to believe.  What would I write about?  How would that go?  Do I have it “in me”?  Not a fictional bone left in my body?  Manipulating readers.  Aren’t I smart enough to do that?  Other people do it, a lot.  Do a lot of it.  Argue yourself into constructing a novel.  How does a novel begin?  What is the beginning?  Being/nothing/becoming.  That is how anything must begin.  Do you have to have an “idea”?  Gravity’s Rainbow?  What is your poetic concept?  You’re so used to writing journal.  Can you get out of this mode/phase?  Is that possible?

What would you write?

 

He left.  He didn’t know where he was going.  He just wanted to be “out”.  Destinations would happen later.  For now – movement.  What did he think about, if he was on the move?  Could you move and think at once?

Different things.  I could think of.  It would have to be a masterful manipulation.  I would have to prove I’m smart enough to write fiction.  I’m not sure if that’s true.  Not sure if I have it “in me” – not exactly sure.

They sat in the sunlight at the café table.  Everything seemed to make sense. 

“Where do you think you’re going with your life?”  She was serious.

“I have a certain faith or optimism,” he said, though really thinking that pessimism was more appropriate.

“If you found a woman like me, you must be onto something.”  Was she serious?

“I didn’t ‘find’ you so much as our lives’ matrices intersected.”  Everything seemed simpler before.  If you were going to write about this moment, what would you write?  How could you describe their scene here?  Two young lovers in the prime of their lives?

 

I’m not sure I ~do “have it”… What it takes.  Not entirely sure.  And I’ve been programming/brainwashing myself with journal, for so long.  Giving myself too much freedom, in a sense.  Allowing too much leeway.  Then you’d figure, you’d consider.

I think it will have to do with ~structure.  Maybe the essay form is more realistic for you.  Although what you’d write about, I can’t imagine.  Expert in what?  Insanity?  Writing insane ranting unstructured texts?  What does ~that do for you?  If anything..  Maybe it brings you down.  Maybe your work was a big downer.  For yourself.

 

“I don’t know if I should write poetry, fiction, or philosophy.”

“Maybe do all three.”

“That’s a good point..”  But was that really possible?

“Usually though that doesn’t happen.  Either something is a novel, or it isn’t..”

“I’d be interested in what fiction you could write..”

 

Maybe I’m dead.  Hopeless/ lost.  No hope of ever doing anything good in writing.  Maybe get a computer job.  Although I don’t know if that would necessarily work very well, either.  Could I have set up PTAS?  Could I have done the upgrade?  I think there might have been trouble.  I could have gotten in trouble.  I ~did get in a little trouble.  What I figure.  What I write.  I’m not sure.  Like “Laugh of the Medusa”?  Is that what I would write?  The male version of that?  Exquisitely controlled tone?  Context, scene, character?  Is that possible, for me?  This is my experimental notebook.  My artist’s journal.  I can do whatever.

 

Sex.  He had heard so much about it.  That it was good.  That it was the essence of life.  And now, he was getting it.

She lay, semi-naked, on her bed in her little house upstairs in the bedroom.  This was like something that might actually happen.  Rather, it ~did actually happen.

“I see the schizophrenic game you’re playing – I’ve seen it all before..”

He was very uncomfortable.  She was able to make things very uncomfortable.

“I’m pretty uncomfortable,” she said.  “I can only assume you’re pretty uncomfortable, also.”

 

Would he talk to his therapist about this?  Did he ~have a life?  Was the key progress to be made in ~philosophy?  A book of philosophy?  Will that have to be it?  Perhaps.  Perhaps so.  What would that look like?

Assholes.  Maybe I’m not a big-enough of an asshole.  That could be it.  With schizophrenia.  No hope for my future.  The present isn’t so bad.  Why should I be so down on the future?  Dementing yourself.  Self-exploitation, self-betrayal.  This is how that would go.  Almost exactly.  Do I like novels, books?  What is the point of anything?  Why do I go on?  I could kill myself.  Better not do that.  For your family’s sake.  Now, if you didn’t have a family – that would be another story.  Still, I would think you’d hang on until the very end.  Look at Benjamin.  How much of a tragedy his death was.  Suicide.  Still resonates, seventy years later.  Still affects the world.  Would you want to take yourself from the world?  Take the world from yourself?  “Someone is trying to kill me.”  That’s SI translated into rational talk.  As it would happen.  As you’d figure.  Maybe your tic’s are the sign.  You ~don’t have anything original to write.  You’re ~not an artist.  Of any sort.  But why be so down on yourself?  Just being realistic.  Realistically assessing my chances.  My shot at life.  I would think you’d want to accomplish something.  Book deal?  If they gave you a book deal – what would you publish?  Clear Text?  If it’s going to be published, maybe that’s good.  Not just privately on your website.  But public, accepted.  Maybe your books of insanity ~would be good public, published.  Maybe you ~do have an angle on the literary thing.  Just not now.  Not until you get famous enough to where a book deal would be worth something.

Your bookshelves are kind of symbolic, of how much is already out there.  How many humans have written (good) books.  And what you’ve done.  Insanity.  If they’re interested in a book of insanity.  If they would publish you – does it matter?  Writing.  Maybe pick something ~easier.  Why pick the hardest possible job?  If you’re going to apply your energies to something..  Why not pick something easier?  Can you do anything easier?  Or maybe ~go with your insanity, your ultra-fictional philosophy.  Maybe you want to ~go with it.  ~Not hold back.  Just because you took the books down, doesn’t mean it’s over.  It might be just beginning.  What you’d figure/ consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  You were dementing yourself.  You were exerting a very powerful stressor on your delicate psychiatric condition.  If at all possible, you want to avoid going on Clozaril.  For example, it can cause you to die.  We’ll see what the doctor says, when I tell him about my new technique.  “Try” not to listen to the voices, is the key word.  Sometimes it’s very hard.  But with the books down, I think I may have fitted the last piece of the puzzle.  You can’t have online insanity, and be sane.  What exactly are we looking at?  Would we be looking at?  That’s what people “look into”, out on the street, out in the world.  So you were naturally not comfortable, with them scanning you, and finding out ~exactly who you were.  Certain conditions.  Hypnotic nature of the road.  Does the road hypnotize you?  Zizek has written a lot of books.  So has Stephenson.  Couldn’t you even ~approach this sort of level?  That’s what you thought you were doing.  You tricked yourself into doing.  Designed to give the impression you had done lots of work.  Thousands of pages.  If they give me a book deal – that’s one thing.  Until then, I’m not going to be the source of free, embarrassing hard to read material about my so-called fictional life.

Someone else can be the source, until they’re willing to ~pay me.  If I were getting paid, that would be something else.  But free UFP?  I don’t think so.  Not anymore.  Not me. 

A world designed for you to play with.  Some times, I can imagine a better outcome than inpatient psychiatric admission.  Some of the times.  How crazy that would seem.  If I wanted to stay out in the world.  Alone in the woods?  Lucas’s supposed fantasy?  What you’re supposed to do.  You’re ~thought to do.  Why do they call it “supposed to”?  Why is a bench called a bench?  What we’ve been looking into.  Certain borderline conditions.  On the borderline of insanity.  Fascinated with certain forms.  It’s about time.  Time heals all wounds.  If you were going to adopt a kind of cosmic perspective.  Then that would be true.  Time actually does heal all wounds.  The ending could be kind of good.  Maybe not a “bad ending”… Depending.  What you were going to consider / think.  At times.  For your imagination.  From or to god?  Channel to god doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary.  From god, now there would be something noteworthy.  People would gather around to hear what you had to say.  A message from god.  I don’t think we get those.  But the voices have made it pretty clear.  Who you could be a channel into.  Great.  Why you would want to kill yourself.  Messages from god are designed to be reassuring.  Signs.  Slow suicide?  The adventure to the bar might not turn out so well.  The side effects of such an adventure.  What you need.  Do you need to get fucked up?  What you almost or actually did do to yourself?  Smoking?  How badly you could have fucked up?  For addiction?  Did you know what you were doing?  You thought you needed an extra boost of creativity..?  You didn’t think you were creative enough?  Strange.  Odd.  The way that works.  How that would have to work. 

As you would.  Ingrained habit.  Freewriting.  Too much freedom.  Not enough structure.  I guess – I don’t know – not really.  Revealing personal details early in a relationship.  As you would consider / figure.  The med students.  As it would happen.  If you would happen.  As it were to.  If you were to.  Going, coming, etcetera.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Maybe for a schizophrenic, insane text is normal, is an accomplishment.  What a schizophrenic philosopher might “right”.  Someone not normal.  Beyond the bounds of normalcy.  As it would happen.  As you would consider / suppose.  Maybe for a schizophrenic.  This would be normal / good.  To write UFP.  However extreme it feels.  If they’re willing to publish it, and give you money.  For no money?  No, not anymore.  Not available.  No free UFP.  Not from me.  I’m more protective of my sanity.  I guess.  I don’t know I just suppose.  Websites.  How that would go, does go.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.

 

 


 

 

 

 

Ascension Song

 

 

If you were going to pressure yourself.  If you were going to brainwash yourself into becoming a writer.  Then.  I would imagine.  I would just suppose.  I would think.  It could become difficult.  Very difficult.  “You may be very unhappy, when it comes time to react.”  Is that how you could characterize my life?  Very unhappy?  I guess 23 years.  But I’m 39.  That’s sixteen years old, with freedom.  And you’d figure.  And you’d consider.  What would you have to teach?  What are you an expert in?  Shouldn’t you be in college for something?  What would they convince you to write / read?  Do you need any program’s advices / judgment?  Even a great philosophy program?  Is that what you write?  What do you write?  Crap?  Unedited crap.  Want to write for The Nation?  “They’re probably pretty selective.”  About who they let write for them.  As are most venues.  Selective.  You’d probably be filtered out.  Like they tried to do at Pitt.  Filter you right the fuck out the door.  You resisted that.  You were able to prevail.  In a sense.  Philosophy, the easiest major.  Any other major would have been difficult.  Your fondness for structure.  What kind of fiction you would write.  I don’t think I know enough, to write anything.  What do I know?  How to ramble on… Not a very rare skill.  The only, the most?  Is that what you’re giving up?  By deleting your books?  Now at least you have websites you can be proud of.  Not always the case.  You can tell people without shame.  Without fear of them finding out some horrible shit about your past.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.

You keep going.  You keep writing.  Maybe not valuable, maybe not key.  What it would take.  To be a writer.  Why it is so hard (to do right)… What you’d have to do.  To change this into a writing experiment.  Don’t you write?  Why the sudden devaluation of your work?  Maybe withdrawing it from circulation is a revaluing… Maybe only ~now are you asserting the real value of UFP.  Not available freely, anymore.  They’ll have to pay me.  I’ll humiliate myself only for money.  I’ll do anything for an income.  If I could get a book deal.  Who cares what book you published?  Obviously you ~do care.  You’d want to put out a quality effort.  And continue to do so, on into the future.  This is the rest of your life, we’re talking about.  Not just now.  Why it was key, to withdraw the work.  How that could be key.  What you could get out of that.  In the end.  Saying “No” can be an important philosophical decision.  Saying “No I won’t give it all freely away.”  I think that’s good to say.  If they wanted to publish, that would be something different.  If you were already famous.  If you could somehow get famous.

What type of book will David write?  Isn’t that the question?  A totally insane word salad?  Maybe that’s what you’re into.  What your illness leads you to be into.  Maybe you have no choice.  The realm of no choice.  As it would happen.  As you would figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  Withdraw my work from circulation.  At least from broadcast.  People can still circulate, if they really want to.  But I’m no longer broadcasting..  WiFi is like a radio.  The signal might have trouble through walls and floors.  What you consider.  If you just wanted to ~write, and you didn’t care ~what.  Then.  UFP would be apposite.  If you actually want to write ~quality, though?  It will take some craft.  First drafts aren’t going to cut it, in this world.  At least now you’re at least asking the question of writing.  When before you were just cranking out “books” automatically, with no thought.  No one cares about philosophy.  Your philosophy, at least.  Today is Only Day makes that perfectly clear.  Not ready to manipulate the readers?  Don’t think novel writing will necessarily work.  As you’d consider / figure.  You have to be fully ready to do some manipulation.  I think until then, you won’t write a novel.  What do you want to show people?  How would that go?  What?  “That”…  Doing “that”… We weren’t always sure we’d hear about “it”… It’s about my income, and my reputation.  I’m not going to just trash my reputation, unless there’s some kind of ~income involved.  Without that, no reason to give away all my work.  Not anymore.  Maybe at one point.  When I wasn’t in full control.  The clarity.  Imagining people reading every little point I’ve made.  It was kind of like SECT… Giving myself continual shocks.  Shocking revelations.  Good, if you’re being paid.  If you’re just doing it for free?  Not worth it.  The heartache.  The aggravation.  The embarrassment.  Now, if they were willing to pay you?  Write anything.  It doesn’t matter what.  It matters, but it can be as bad as possible.

The “type” of thing.  I would want to have “won” before I shared details like that.  D-tails.  I would want to have “won”… If you “win”, then it’s okay to share details.  Because you have it ~made, you have an ~income.  Until they actually give you an income, fuck ‘em.  Just people.  Just people alive in the world.  You don’t owe them your sanity.  You don’t have to sacrifice your own wellbeing, for the education of strangers.  What you consider, what you figure.  The artist you are, if you are one.  If you consider UFP “art” of any type.  A very rambling art.  Very unstructured.  Full of trivial details of your everyday consciousness/life?  Trivial pursuit?  Is that what I was really up to, all this time?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you’d have going on.  What you’d have to think.  Make, consider, do.  I guess.  I don’t know – not exactly.  This is how it would go.  I don’t know – not exactly.  This is how it would go.  I don’t know.  Caught in a trap.  Trapped in a cycle.  Word salad cycle.  Highly crafted insanity.  Highly articulate insanity.  Maybe worthless.  Depending.  Who you are.  What you want.  People may ~want that.  They didn’t seem to be too eager to publicize it.  To talk about it.  Unspoken.  Keep it private / secret.  Read it, but don’t tell anyone about it…

How that would go.  How exactly.  Borderline phenomena.  Stuff that won’t necessarily respond to meds.  Stuff like “links to”… Linking to what?  What exactly were you linking to?  Could that be known?  Could that be talked about? 

I just continue to freewrite.  I don’t know what effect it has.  As long as you use basic protective form, and don’t ~publish your journals.  If you could get that through your head.  That concept, of privacy.  We’re pro-privacy, around here.  What you could have been thinking about.  Is this what you were thinking about?  The whole time?  You had this stuff online, for anyone to see?  Advertising?  Asking people to come take a look?  I guess.  I guess that’s what I was doing.  In some sense.  Of the terms.

This has to be worth something.  This type of writing.  Just because the value is not instantly apparent.  Remember – you’re not writing “philosophy” – you’re not dealing with concepts on that sophistication level.  You’re writing ~UFP… Stuff the ~people can understand.  What you’d suppose.  What you would have realized.  You don’t need to pay attention to Adorno.  He is too sophisticated – no one can read him.  You only really need to pay attention to popular forms.  If you want to be popular.  The Adorno was good.  Good to realize, what you don’t need to read.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would go, as you would happen.  To the world.  Is this what kind of world we live in?  By now?  Where have we arrived?  How far have we come?  Isn’t that what you were nervous about?  Your significance in the world – your place in the “grand scheme of things”?  Something to drive you mad, or make you say “Cool!”  This is how it would go.  How you would figure / consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  Almost exactly like.  It’s.  As.  As we would consider.  As we would figure.  Things you’d have to have happen to you, for this to be the case.  Almost like. 

Points worth looking into.  Falling versus flying.  A certain little brother could have been (should have been) good for describing this to.  Falling is giving all five books away, digitally, without copy-protection or compensation.  Flying is holding onto the books, until they figure out they should publish me.  I’ve made the transition from falling to flying.  Flashbacks seem easier to deal with.  More like illusions, than hallucinations.  More like things that were always happening anyway.  I just over-actively imagine voices onto it.  Or, when I was triggering.  Self-exploitation, self-betrayal, dementing myself for free.  I guess I’m not “free” anymore.  The books are no longer available, and this won’t change until they decide to publish me.  This is what I’m thinking.  As I’m thinking it.  Able to finally relax enough to get into Mahler.  A good thing.  Like some of the points.  Certain points.  Such as, who always already knew what.  Could be linked to what.  What could this be linked to?  Free access?  Full access?  To your consciousness?  The productions of your consciousness?  It would be a game changer if they decided to publish me.  All of a sudden, I wouldn’t be a dependent.  I would be independent.  Bad reputation wouldn’t seem to matter much, at that point.  If I were able to gain independence.  Then I could see publishing ufp.  Until then?  No thanks.  Not any more.  Did enough, already.  What I’m thinking.  Weirdly, as I’m weirdly thinking it.  Like tomorrow.  What will happen with the inspection, “tomorrow”…?  How will that go?  How does that always go?  What were you thinking?  Took you a while, to figure it out.  You beat that rap.  To make the transition.  From falling to flying.  Didn’t always know.  Kind of suspected.  In a sense, did suspect that something was wrong.  Didn’t know what to scan for.  Scanned, but found no solution.  Should have asked myself for help.  I was the certain person in question, whose help I needed.  This is what I figure / consider.

What I figure.  Can understand Kant.  The Kantians, with the “big guns”…  His philosophy might not exactly ~be the most sophisticated – but he could have asked the most sophisticated questions.  The way he put questions.  The approach he took.  Did Hegel really improve on it?  Maybe Hegel asked further questions.  As all the philosophers do.  Including you, Zizek, Adorno, Ziporyn.  We all ask our questions.  I don’t think my work is nugatory.  Without value.  It has some value.  Maybe not to AMB.  He is an atheist.  He doesn’t like DeLillo.  If you don’t like DeLillo, what do you think you’ll think of me?  This is what I do, what I consider.  Insane-seeming writing.  It would be insane to give it away digitally, without compensation.  ~That might be the insane part.  The writing?  Not so much.  You did your “research”… You looked very carefully, into certain points.  Almost too carefully. 

Asshole tuning.  Asshole behavior.  What you consider, what you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it happens.  As you’d discover.  You’d play guitar like that.  And sing like that, and play drums and keyboard.  And then what?  What’s the result of all that?  This?  Here, now, again, this.  This is how it goes.

As you do, as you be.  Writing.  This is it.  Not craft, but expression.  You don’t need “craft”…. You can ~express the truth.  At least that’s what I’m thinking.  Flying.  I’m going to fly my way to success.  I allowed downloading of the books, for a calculated length of time, and then withdrew them.  An experiment.  A real-world experiment.  Experimenting with the people, the audience.  Seeing what the audience wants to do.  Giving the audience a choice.  If they want to keep promoting my books.  They can.  Individuals who happened to download.  Other individuals will have to wait until the books come out published.  That’s the system.  The books are no longer available online freely.  Not from me, at least.  If you hook up with someone who has a copy, you’re in luck.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What were you doing?  Beautiful life.  If you can be relaxed enough to appreciate it, it’s pretty rewarding.  The contours.  Contour-line drawing.  Drawing in the dark.  What you consider.  The things you’ve learned.  From the people.  The various people.  Saying “No”.  An almost psychotic distance from your texts.  A selective experiment – putting them into circulation, on a limited basis.  “He wants the whole world to read his mindless gibberish.”  I suppose that’s correct.  If I get an income from it.  If it’s tied to my bank account.  If not, I don’t care so much.  My bank account is the thing in question, to me.  Other people might not have that as their priority.  It’s personal.  I didn’t always realize.  You can’t exactly “scan” for realizations like this.  I needed help from myself.  I needed my own help.  I was digitally broadcasting my five great works for free.  With no copy protection.  I think that could have been good in a conditional sense.  Good for a bit.  Don’t want to keep doing it.  Want to fly – hold onto the works, until they figure out I should be published.  It’s all about independence.  The flashbacks.  Are really just about my state of dependence.  How dangerous and unstable it is to be dependent.  If I were independent, I don’t think the fb’s would be as upsetting.  This is how it seems.  How you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  Dementing yourself.  Self-exploitation, self-betrayal.  I value the works.  I think they’re good works.  As Enzo said, “I’m not Jesus.”  I’m not going to give my life works away for free.  A difficult realization to come to.  Took me a while.  About ten years.  Until I was able to realize.  I guess that’s a long experiment.  That’s what I could have been doing.  All the time.  Growing demand for my works.  If there’s no demand, being published won’t make a difference.  You have to somehow generate a “buzz” about your name.  People plugging your name into Axis-Tone searches.  Looking for stuff to buy.  Until then, it’s moot.  That’s what I consider, lately.  Now.  In other words.  “Other worlds in other words.”  What we consider/ suppose.  I guess.  I could be writing anything.

As it would, as you would.  You seem to like “tic’s”… Is this a new thing?  No – not really.  If the flashbacks were ~good… If they were ~interesting..  Fixations?  People close to you, might remember, coded modes?  What mode of control you were trying to escape?  As that would go, if that would go.  Things, you could be thinking of.  If you wanted, as you wanted.  Determinate translation, dynamic tolerance.  The concepts you have access to.  Dialectical transformation, diametric therapy.  Deprivation torture.  If you ~deprive yourself of DT, it might feel like torture.  This is what would happen.  If you were to suppose.  As you were to suppose.  Things.  I guess, I suppose.  As it would, if you would.  Things.  I guess, I figure.  As you would, as you were.  Different types of tic’s.  What type of tic’s were we always looking to be into?  ANM?  Revolution?  Mental stuff.  My writing is ~mental.  It is crazy.  Some people wonder about that.  They already have sane writing.  As a schizophrenic, if I could give them mental writing, why wouldn’t I?  Makes me want to put my books back up.  “Fall” again, so to speak.  If I was looking to be into.  Well, maybe ~write a book, first.  A book that could be published / popular.  See if ~that’s possible.

What you do.  Taking a shit in a public restroom is a profound experience.  Taking a shit at home is profound… A shower is the most erotic thing a human being can do.  Different types.  Seeking life.  You may have to reword some of Lucas’s lines.  It’s too late to have a happy childhood.  Writing takes a supreme act of consciousness.  This is what we did.  How we supposed.  “Flying”… I guess it’s the best thing to do.  An experiment.  Make the books available for a few years.  Then withdraw them.  To see what happens.  How that would go.  I guess, I figure / consider.  What reading Heliosophy might do to you.  For you.  If you were to, as you were to.  Things.  Going on.  Not so interested in telling people about TUY, now that it’s been cleansed.  Cleansed of all radical content. 

As you would do, see.  Whose points exactly, are we looking into, getting help for..?  What are we “helping” here, exactly?  Exactly what are you doing?  Rolling, reading, or something else entirely?  Primalling… Mouth open wide, for a long time.  Eyes rolling, reading.  Not quite as Painful, anymore.  More simply ~strange.  Very intense.  Strange attractors.  Girls.  What you exactly need.  For this.  For what you’re in for.  What are you in for?  How would that go?  How do these things happen?  How exactly would that happen?  Your medical job?  So you can work at a hospital?  World-class?  Is that what you’ve been thinking about?  I thought you couldn’t be a doctor… Maybe you could be a roving mental patient.  Rove around Western Psych, interacting.  I don’t think the Powers would like that.  Not very much.  You can roam around Oakland – how would that be..?  You can barely deal with that.  How would you deal roaming around the hospital?  Exactly?  God.  It might become very difficult, depending whose voices you were thinking of controlling.  God’s voices?  If it’s God, how can I control it?  Or am I ~under control?  The realm of “no choice”? 

Depending whose voices you were trying to control.  God’s voices?  What would that mean?  Is that possible?  Does that exist?  Do a priori synthetic statements exist?  What do you like?  Freedom?  Why not roam around.  Apparently the hospital isn’t ready for you, just now.  Maybe in the future.  Depending on what you were going to ask for help with.  Your escape, the hospital.  When all else fails, there’s always the hospital.  What you do.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would see.

What was it about?  Cognitive approaches?  Or Primal approaches?  You can take that word from Janov.  He doesn’t have a monopoly.  On the truth.  Primal, strange experiences.  I seem to be able to avert the worst catastrophes.  Using self-talk, control of my voice.  I’m able to power on through the voices.  I still feel fairly strange.  Not normal.  Or a different kind of normal.  What’s the problem?  How would you characterize it?  Who exactly.  What people can see.  Wouldn’t they see this if you had your medical job, in the hospital?  They’d “know who you are” there.  Then.  UPMC would know of it.  You’d have to explain about your problem, your characteristics.  Good luck with your psychiatric problems.  Is that how it goes?  Interesting?  Strange.  Don’t you think it’s a bit strange?  Mirror-phase of development.  Where you’re looking in the mirror of god?  Did that thought help you in the past?  What could you have been thinking?  It seems like certain mistakes I might have made are coming back to haunt me.  It seems like I am being made an example of something.  Like I’m on display, all my problems.  People can tell, by the look in my eyes.  How my eyes are rolling, reading, or primalling.  Why it would be a Primal experience.  Reliving the past?  Pre-living the future?  Tomorrow, how will this be tomorrow?  Still seems to be happening, every other day.  Maybe I do have psychiatric problems.  That different medicine might help.  This shouldn’t be happening.  It makes sense, when it does happen.  It’s all making sense.  The punishment, for the mistakes.  Going against the Normative Matrix.  ANM thought, aNM behavior.  How well do you think that’s going to go?  Going up against a matrix?  Not well.  It turns out my so-called solution has some problems of its own. 

What you could, what you did.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Maybe I’m philosophy – maybe I’m just a special, deranged sort of philosophy.  Maybe I think, maybe I will.  Different things.  Maybe I’m onto ~different things.  Obviously the Kant, Hegel, has already happened.  The Zizek, Adorno.  That stuff is out there, that stuff exists.  It would be foolish to think I could improve, or even replicate.  I don’t ~have to though… That’s ~my genius..!  I can be myself.  What are you a genius of?  Maybe I’m a genius at being myself..!  This is what I think, what I consider.  As it were to, as I were to.  The Berg is the answer to my prayers.  What we do, what we situate as. 

 

 


 

 

 

 

David Lucky, Not Complaining

 

 

As, is.  As it does.  Is it, did?  What do you consider?  You’re writing.  You’re producing texts.  Something the ancients did only problematically.  You’re doing it with no problem.  You’re having no problem doing it.  The machine is relaying your wishes from the keys to the screen and memory banks.  This is amazing.  You can almost not believe your luck.  When you were a kid, you dreamed of machines like this.  And now, here they are.  Amazing.  Strange.  The way things work, the way things happen.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  That’s just what I figure, what I consider.  I could be doing many things.  This is what I’m doing.  Devoting my whole life to my art.  Staying impoverished for my art.  Saying the art is the most important thing.  Material wealth cannot compete against art.  All a true artist needs is bread and his art.  This is what I figure.  What I consider.  I suppose.  Machines like this.  Beyond the wildest dreams of previous peeps.  But now.  Here we are.  Retina display, or not.  Not, for now.  As of yet.  Maybe not always.  Maybe not all the time.  As you’d figure, as you’d consider.  I guess.

It gives us something to talk about.  Pretty “strange”… Now that you mention it.  If you were going to.  Knowing the voices are yours, and ~not God’s.  That is a key realization to make.  If you were to think the voices were god’s voices, they might be very difficult to control.  If you were to try to stop your eyes from “rolling” or “reading” – it might become very difficult to keep them from wanting to do this.  They have a natural tendency to roll/ read/ scan/ Primal.  You have to give in to this periodically, as you’re walking around.  Or else the rolling energy builds up, and makes you want to roll continuously.  A “certain point”.  Where you need the help of “certain doctors”, and you look exactly into certain points of certain people as you walk around, certainly tripping.  If I could somehow attenuate the cognitive dimension.  I think the affective dimension isn’t that bad.  It’s pretty strange.  But it’s a sort of energy I can accept and deal with.  If you’re buying into hallucinated voices, however, it might become very difficult to maintain stability.

As it would go.  What’s your strategy now?  With the books down?  How will you get “famous” enough to publish?  Maybe the sites stand on their own.  Maybe they will gain in popularity.  With the way the world’s going, though, I somehow doubt it.  There’s too much other shit out there.  How will theunspokenyes and 251frankjazz ever make it?  It seems less likely, especially with the books down.  Maybe the books will create a buzz.  Just through whatever people were able to copy them, when I had them up.  Maybe I “seeded” the world with my books.  And now, wait to see what happens.  That’s what I’m thinking.  I could look for an agent.  There are millions of books waiting to be published.  Going that route is as certain as playing the lottery.  Better do it on your own – get famous on your own.  Write a book you’re proud of.  A book you stand under.  Understand.  Maybe that’s the key.  Your seeds might pay out, eventually.  Until then, try to write a decent book.  You haven’t written a decent one, yet.  This is how it would go, how you would consider.  I guess.  Feel the warmth, in your apartment.  Warmth enabled by, in a sense, the System.  The System which you said you were against.  Maybe not so against it, anymore.  Maybe on its side.  The system.  How has it ever fucked you over?  Just because it hasn’t fucked ~you over, doesn’t mean it’s good.  Think of the third world.  What about them?  Everyone else?  Everyone besides the first world?  Who should care about that?  Maybe you do.  Hard to believe.  Maybe “Aggreculture” is the answer – aggregate-rational culture.  With the internet now – isn’t that basically how it’s going?  Rich media, poor democracy?  But with the internet?  Don’t we ~have the tools, now?  To spread information?  What kind of information are you spreading?  What type of development is this?

As we do, as we are.  If you were to examine writing.  The ultimate.  You ~have “philosophy of mind” – you ~are it.  You can ~think..!  You don’t need asshole philosophers to tell you they understand the mind…  This is what we do.  Gave the world some “examples”…  People wanted to know what a journal was like, a true writer’s journal.  I don’t think most writers would have done that.  As of yet.  Just yet.  As you’d figure, as you’d consider.  Primal.  Is your writing Primal?  And what would you think?  What ~do you think?  Can it be known?  Alice coming home to Pittsburgh?  Isaak solving the network telephone answering service?  Different things.  Working at Io’s.  I guess.  I wouldn’t really know.  I’m just trying to write a book.  It’s what I’m doing.  Ida has been my therapist for a very long time.  Are you allowed to just change doctors?  I guess occasionally you are.  What we consider.  As we were to figure.  Journal about your paranoia.  Not situational.  This is what we think.  What we consider.  She told him at 30 mg his brain is totally saturated by Zyprexa.  When he found out I was on 35, he got jealous.  Insanely jealous, you could say.  How is the clinic run?  How do we suppose / translate?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we think.  She has an eight year-old son.  She’s been my therapist for a very long time.  Certain therapist.  Certain patient.  Certain illness.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  How smart your Dad is.  How much he understands about medicine.  Unconventional therapist.  Don’t even mention Janov’s name.  That is the opinion he has of Primal theory.  Doesn’t even want its name to be mentioned.  That is not a high opinion.  I guess.  I know.  I just suppose.  What you’d do.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose. 

Three pieces of pie, three pieces of pie.  Different things.  I could be doing, I could be supposing.  As you do, as you write.  Different things.  With all the guitar playing I haven’t been doing.  My musical imagination.  Composing symphonies, or creating them, I should say.  I wouldn’t really know how to compose one.  And I don’t think I’d want to.  Too much work.  But I can create them just fine.  It’s musical imagination.  It’s what you have inside you.  Different things.  As I decide to keep writing, keep at it.  Not to give up.  No matter how difficult it gets.  I see why Lucas said being a writer is so hard.  It is, it actually ~is that hard.  So why do it?  You have no other calling.  You have no other vision.  For reality.  Yes, you could make more movies, and you probably will.  This is how it goes, how you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As you would, as it were.  Posting your Baird films?  Not yet.  Not as of yet.  I just finished Libra.  DeLillo is the most ~ambitious writer.  What I think, what I consider.  If I were to.  Flashback?  Maybe.  Maybe that’s my fate.  Tempting fate?  Whose fate are you playing with?  Ron’s?  Landlord?  Is that what role a landlord plays?  Master, servant.  The different things.  I don’t think he ~wants to be your master.  He just wants your money.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would consider.

I’d actually say “Read any Adorno” – it’s all good.  This is what I figure, what I consider.  I guess, I suppose.  Adorno ~had to go against Kant and Hegel… What else could he do?  He’s a philosopher.  If he didn’t simply want to be a cheerleader of German Idealism… He had to go against.  This is what I consider.  What I figure.  My plan was to get famous enough, so that I could sell books.  I might have to do that a bit more indirectly, if I’m not using the five books as material for my fame.  If the pure sites are what I’m interested in getting famous for.  The films, music, and some text.  This is what I suppose.  If certain things were ~that good.  If your aesthetic attitude is ~that key, people will tune in, turn on to it.  Eventually.  This might not happen overnight.  And there’s your seeds.  You planted some seeds, by giving away five books for a while.  A lot of free copies.  Promotional copies, you could think of them as.  This is what happens.  What you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  Taking control of my life.  Rolling / reading / Primalling / scanning.  The eyes like to do it.  Things are looking up.  Finally.  Learning the hard way.  The very hard way, in some cases.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

Wanting.  Maybe to write poetry -- or at least, to be poetic.  Yielding to different urges.  Maybe you should.  Maybe you’ve tapped out on prose.  Why the tic’s, so many tic’s…  Maybe time to switch over.  Or at least liven up your prose.  You have to do something.  Things can’t go on like this.  Not forever.  Suicide?  Is that the best fate you can imagine?  Certainly you can do better.  You must do better.  After all the work it took to set this up..?  And you would off yourself forever?  I don’t think that would be good.  Best.  It wouldn’t be the best option.  If you have any option.  What is happening in Shakespeare.  What is happening in UFP.  I guess, I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you could be doing.  A rough draft, unless you’re out of this world, is not going to cut it.  This is what you figure.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Turning myself into a writer of journal.  A writer of ~dream.  Dreaming in text.  That’s what I wanted to do – what I dreamed of doing.  I didn’t really know if it was possible.  I thought it might be possible.  To have your brain be in novel-mode.  Imagine that – just cranking out novels..  That would be unbelievable.  If you could do that.  Get on that tip.  I think.  Then I’d think.  I’d suppose, if you were to – as you were to.  Things.  We have going on.

As you would do, as you would consider.  Different things.  Popular writing.  You think this will become popular?  Or you can change this into something popular?  Maybe.  I guess it’s possible.  Text is plastic – it can morph.  You can morph it into whatever form you want to morph it into.  This is what happens.  Easy to write?  Easy to express this stuff?  Expressing on a difficult level?  What level are we talking about, here?  Details.  How closely have you looked into the details?  Exactly..  I can feel a flashback coming on.  I’m pretty good at detecting their onset.  By this point, at this point.  What we consider.  What we figure.  I guess, I don’t know.  If I’m about to nod off to sleep, how can I be in a flashback?  If I’m ~not in a flashback, why do I need to lie down?  Seems like a lot of downtime, in your life.  I like downtime.  I like resting.  After how crazy I’ve been.  What that would look like.  If you had had a flashback recently.  And were still tired from the slow-down.  What that would look like.  For you to.  With you to.  You to do it, and suppose.  This is what happens.  What you’d figure / consider.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  About to fall asleep.  About to swing back into a flashback.  Tired is better than flashback.  What we’d do, consider, suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose. 

As it would go – as you would figure.  Having taken a shower.  Good to do.  Shave.  Good.  Good to have done.  Feels good.  Different things.  What you could be writing for.  Who you could be writing for.  Millions of books waiting to get published.  Literally millions.  It’s like winning a lottery.  I’m not really going to play that game.  I’m going to choose an alternative route to fame.  Websites, Genome ads.  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  I’m alive, for now.  How lucky I am.  That is the beauty that you sometimes realize.  Why would you want to kill yourself?  When life is beauty?  That’s a good question.  That’s the sign of a very disturbed personality.  SI.  I can’t really understand it.  Seems natural, at the time.  Natural intrusive thoughts.  Thought-injection.  Mind control.  What you would suppose.  Ultimate level – landlord?  Is the landlord on the ultimate level?  He who owns the building?  Is that how it would go – how you figure / consider?  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  This is what happens.  What we relate / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  How it goes, how we figure.  I could keep writing.  I don’t know if there’s a big point.  What I’ve written.  Prepare a book?  For publication?  Is that really what you want to do?  I guess so.  I guess it is.  How will I do that?  Self-publish, put a link on my sites to buy?  If you’re considering doing it on your own.  Publishing without the help of a nonvanity.  If you were considering getting famous by your own powers.  Then you wouldn’t necessarily need an agent or a publisher.  If people were clicking on your sites.  You could self-publish, put a link to buy.  That would be one method, one technique.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  Planted the seeds.  Put my books out there.  Maybe some trees will grow.  From what seeds I was able to plant.

You may have learned the hard way.  The eyes like to roll / read/ scan/ Primal.  If you look down as you walk, you’re counteracting what developed as a survival mechanism – scanning the borderlines.  Staring at the road in front of you is also hypnotic.  In the city, it’s not simply normal to trust all the buildings around you, and not at least look at them.  Look around..!  It’s what eyes are for.  I guess this was a hard lesson for me to learn.  Very hard, in some cases.  How I consider / suppose.  What I like to do, to consider.  I guess.  You’re in a unique kind of trouble.  This is how it goes.  How you create.  I guess, I don’t know.

What you do, what you consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Not too much talking out of you, lately.  Not too much of a speaker.  Not speaking.  Not making sounds.  Happy just with the audio music feeds.  Don’t need to produce verbal feeding.  That’s what it seems like.  Maybe you’ve been tapped out.  Five books.  In competition with all the books ever written… Not just all the books coming out today.  That’s tough.  How can you do that?  How can you compete?  On that level?  Maybe the pressure.  The mouth/brain/life pressure, did something to your verbal/mental ability.  And so, you’re world-class.  How that would have had to happen.  If your matrix wasn’t sophisticated enough.  ANM.  Are you ~anti Normative Matrix?  What does the normative matrix tell people to do?  Why would you go against it?  Isn’t it comforting to have structure.?  Are you just being rebellious?  For no reason?  I guess.  I suppose.  If you don’t listen to your voice notes.  Then you might grow out of touch.  With your voice.  Maybe you have nothing to say.  Philosophers of old didn’t know about the neuro network.  But this might not be bad.  People today who know about it think they understand the brain.  Maybe the mystery of old enabled philosophers to be more inventive.  Now, with all this knowledge given to them, people don’t appreciate the fact that we don’t know what a brain is or does, really.  I guess.  I just suppose.  Things are going good now.  Not so good under certain eventualities.  If certain things were to happen.

As you’d.  If you’d.  What you ultimately have to consider.  How fast you can type / write.  Differences in modality.  What modality you are looking to be into.  How fast you can compose philosophy.  High speed philosophy?  Ultra-fictional philosophy…  This is what you do.  As you do it.  Tripping is notoriously hard to describe, even as it’s happening to you.  There’s a cognitive difference.  There’s a close attention to, and response to, my thoughts.  Commentary, in other words.  This happens two days out of three.  The question is when will I get sick of it.  Will I get sick of it.  Or will I see it as educational – as a valuable experience for a philosopher to periodically get?  This is what happens.  What you’d figure.  If you were to.  As you were to.  What do you do?  Think of becoming a philosopher?  You’d have to ~study, I think.  Even, to become a “writer”… It would involve ~homework.  You can’t just blast out journals.  Drug-addicted cognitions or not.  Maybe drug-addicted journals have their place, in the world.  But you want to get beyond that.  You want to produce a solid, respectable, decent, clean work.  You haven’t done it yet.  Not yet.  You could be working on it.  This here document.  What’s ~this?  What’s this ~becoming?  It could ~become “anything”… From humble origins..  This is what I do, what I figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  As I’d write.  Protective form.  What are you protecting?  What do you suppose?  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.

The computer.  This is what you do, what you consider.  Would you have things to say to students, in lecture?  What would you lecture about?  What type of knowledge do you have, of the world?  Wouldn’t everyone want to be a lecturer?  Someone who could talk at great length, a few days a week, in an endless, entertaining, educational monologue?  Wouldn’t ~everyone want to get paid for doing that?  And you.  Failing classes, dropping out of classes.  Not exactly a good academic record.  Maybe you’re not the academic type.  Even if you can write.  A writer is not necessarily an academic.  If you can write a lot.  Doesn’t mean you’d have a lot to say.  At great length.  On important subjects?  Is this why school never worked out for you?  It would have been too difficult to be a pretender, to play-act a role that was at odds with your reality?  Do you have anything serious to write about? 

What you do.  What you expect.  At a certain moment.  Now that you mention it.  Now that you use that concept.  What you’re figuring, what you’re considering.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Difficult.  Is this a joke?  Things not seeming so funny anymore?  As it would go.  As you would be.  Can seem to be increasingly difficult, to pretend to be who you’re not.  To be God.  What you figure.  What you consider.  Being asked, exactly where you are.  Where you are.  The place you’re in.  Your brother’s place.  Monkey see, monkey do.  A certain brother.  To keep a certain brother in the dark.  One brother with his eyes open, one with his eyes closed.  I always thought he was the luckier brother.  In the dark.  Delay.  A slight delay.  Shocks, from each message that comes in.  SECT.  Why would you want to “delay”, your entry into the game?  Would you change anything?  Did you do anything wrong, in your addiction?  How you would change things.  If you could / should.  Should any of this be different?  Seems almost natural.  The way you were looking.  Certain key points.  Smells.  To know you’re home.  What that would be like.  If you asked them to have humor about that.  A key point.  “The point” is a place.  They call this “the Point.”  What you’d figure, what you’d consider.  The speech act can seem very dynamic.  Is this real or symbolic struggle?  What Lucas would say now?  Can that be known?  What a recording of this would show?  Camcorder for this event?  Video/ audio.  What did they do to this poor girl?  How you figured, how you considered.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Powers of description.  See some humor in it.  Fucking.  Who the fuck is this?  What we consider / figure.  How we’d figure.  Almost naturally.  Why does anyone do anything?  Because they like to.  That is why “people do things”… Like something your Mom once said?  Or your Dad once said?  As you would figure.  Wouldn’t verbal tic’s be the ultimate expression of this, if the world were completely uncertain?  Landlord?  What’s this all about? 

What you would care about.  Reading at what hour.  As you would consider.  What types of things.  We know.  You told us.  What you’ve confessed to.  Why would the smartest kid in the class poop his pants?  An enigma, to solve.  Enigmaticalness.  I guess.  I don’t know.  How exactly that would go.  If you were a channel.  What’s on your channel?  Wouldn’t that be designed to be reassuring?  To at least some of the people?  If I get an income, then it doesn’t matter if I have a bad reputation.  The income, independence, is the key here.  What we’re looking into.  Who cares how embarrassing the books are – if you’re independent?  Then it would all be worth it.  Any trouble, any bad news, would be worth it.  You’d be independent.  What you consider.  How you’d figure.  If you were to.  As you were to.  A limited experiment.  Seeding the world with copies, free copies.  What that could do.  To certain readers.  As certain readers.  Certain doctors might be interested.  If you were to call Resolve at exactly that point.  Seems like certain psychiatrists might want to look at this.  I wanted to see if I could handle the flashback.  If ~understanding the condition could somehow make it easier to deal with.  I don’t think it does.  Well – maybe a bit.  Maybe it helps a bit.  At least until you can get home to bed. 

As it would happen.  Just as, just so.  Might ~not want to drive, in these conditions.  “I’m not gonna want to drive.”  This is how it would go.  This is why I’m here today.  My brother and therapist asked what would happen if I were to push through a flashback.  Primal, whatever you want to call them.  I usually would not have made it, today.  That’s why I’m here.  What you figure.  Scans.  If they were to scan.  What you would figure / consider.  Once you have been scanned as being totally crazy, it’s hard to escape that.  Lies, evasions.  I’d be lying if I told you I was comfortable driving.  But I’ve done it during a flashback numerous times.  This is how it would go.  I guess.  What seems to happen.  As you would figure.  Prose, not poetry.  I have no poetry in me.  I’m not lyrical, anymore.  I guess.  I could probably get back into it.  I’m too into the UFP.  Whatever that means.  What that would mean.  I guess.  I suppose.  Your pupils are the darkest points you can look into.  Close your eyes, and see not “black” – but all the colors.  Positive capability, the ability to be yourself.  What you’d consider / figure.

As it would go.  You’d consider.  If you could write.  Record.  What you’d record.  How could it have been possible?  He knows.  For you to be in the dark about this?  Explosions… This kind of energy?  Would that be possible.  “I thought everyone was God.”  “Even me?”  Astonishing things.  People who might not.  As you might.  If you were to.  Exactly what disorder, you’ve been “looking into” getting help for.  What do you need?  How would that go?  As it goes, as you consider.  Figure.  Different things.  Go to the hospital?  Would they be able to help you, there?  Do you need some inpatient time?  I want to kill myself.  That will have to be the criteria.  They won’t care about the conditions, until they make you suicidal.  This is what would happen.  How it would go.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As you’d do, as you’d figure.  You keep going.  RS, here to talk to you.  Keys.  I would think.  Strange habits.  I’ve gotten out of the habit of calling them Yoga Nidra.  Strange habits.  Checking up on your parents’ sisters.  Could have developed the habit.  What you consider.  What you figure.  Things.  As it would go.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What I have going on.  What I’d imagine.  If I were to, as I were to.  What do I have going on?  At this point in my development?  Prime phases, in the development of ~who?  Who are we looking at, here?  How would that go?  As you’d figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I could almost.  Almost natural.  “It’s almost natural.”  What kinds of realizations, you would have to have, to have avoided that.  Primal realizations.  What seems to be happening.  Open your mouth.  Why you would hold your mouth open.  What that would be symbolic of.  What did they do to this poor girl?  As you’d figure, as you’d consider.  What it would have to be.  What you would have to suppose.  In English class – being asked to speak.  Not doing very well.  Not well at all.  Someone in that class really doesn’t like you.  “I forgive her.”  This is how that would go.  How you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things.  Things you could determine.  Suppose.  I guess.

As you.  If you.  If you were to write.  As you were to write.  What would you write about?  How would that go?  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  I have nothing to write about, nothing more to say.  I’ve said it all five times already..  But this is the writer’s lot.  To have to say again, write again.  It’s what s/he ~chooses, as a writer.  If s/he didn’t want to be a writer, then there would be no problem.  The problem arises when you want to be a writer.  And you have to keep writing.  Continually write, in a sense.  Then a problem arises.  What will you write about?  Will anyone care?  It’s what you do, what you suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  “He could easily live in a cell half this size.”  This is what happens.  How you’d figure it.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  “I buy thousands of dollars of books a year.”  This is how that would go.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Maybe you have to let the tic’s work through your system.  Maybe until you tic enough times, the tic will exist inside you, exerting a kind of force.  That’s what I think, that’s what I consider.

As it would happen.  Flashback.  Seem to be able to deal with it, in some sense.  What you consider.  What you figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  It begins.  To seem.  Like this is what you should be doing.  I want to kill myself.  Dead, bleeding on the floor of the kitchen, with a slit throat.  Fantasies.  Is this really what you imagine?  What you hope for the future?  Is this really how it would go?  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How you do, how you be.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Sticking out your tongue.  Moving your tongue around.  Maybe all the writing was for ~you.  Maybe it wasn’t for the world.  Maybe it was for your world.  Printed.  Would we want to see this in print?  Almost exactly like… You would or would not want to see some of this stuff in print.  A pressure like this.  Needs a response with similar pressure.  This amount of insanity.  Why do you need help?  What kind of help do you need?  Continuous?  Why are you asking for my help?  The place of god?  Would you be putting God in this place?  A big “if”… If that were the case.  Wouldn’t there be some payback, some compromise?  If the whole shebang had been designed?  To give you anxiety, or not give you anxiety?  Determinism.  Was very helpful to me, in my illness.  At least I think it helped.  Maybe it didn’t.  Believing there was no-choice.  The realm of no choice.  Just one act.  One play.  All playing out.  All forces and destinies just as you’d imagine, if there were no choice in anything.  Or rather, if everything were pre-chosen.  Are you the god of your own reality?  Is that how it goes?  Different Gods create different lives / realities to live / dream?  Is that what a life is?  Created by a God?  Why would there be so much pain?  There actually wasn’t a lot of literal pain.  To enable you.  To become this writer.  The intensity may have needed to have been great. 

As you’d go.  As you’d figure.  Consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d have to think about.  How that would have to go.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As that would happen.

As you’d go.  As you’d consider.  Different things.  Almost.  What you’d have to get into.  Be into.  To change this level.  To change on this level.  As you’d figure / as you’d consider.  Different near-meaningless things you’ve learned to say.  You’ve developed the habit of saying.  You’ve fallen into the habit.  What do you have?  Who do you be?  Different dreams, leaving you with a strange feeling for the morning?  Some of the affective energy?  Strange?  Is that what you’d say – odd?  Being able to program the brain, program the universe?  What do you think of that kind of ability?

As a writer.  How would that seem?  Giving up?  Nothing written, nothing made?  This is what you consider.  Feeling like this.  Like the olden days.  Have accomplished nothing.  Amounting to nothing.  If David would kill himself… What about the rest of the schizo’s?  What hope do they have?  Singularity.  Maybe David is a unique case.  Uniquely troubled.  With an astonishing amount of problems.  How you’d figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  Different things.

What you get together – what you suppose.  Dad getting fed up with the FB’s.  Do you want to change your diet or your medication?  Diet.  I believe Perlmutter.  It’s just a matter of inertia or momentum.  He’s believable, to me.  What we consider.  How we suppose.  Brain.  Grain on your brain.  What you’d be looking into.  If that were going to be the truth.  If anyone sane would recommend that you drive during a FB.  I’ve driven while tripping on LSD.  I’ve driven numerous times during flashbacks.  You could have told Anatole, and he could have walked back.  You could have waited at the café, or in the lobby.  I guess you weren’t thinking that way.  ~Exactly that way.  What you’d have to be looking “into”… The warnings, for certain people.  If certain people were to look into the solution.  A possible solution to your “scanning problem”… It seems like the Point is a place.  Every place has a “point”… Like there’s only one point.  One.  There are many points.  Where you “should” look.  Whose “should’s” are we using ~now?  Homosexual?  Heterosexual?  Bisexual?  Asexual?  Is this what you suppose.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Maybe I ~do need a big change.  In my approach.  What you’d consider.  If FB’s were continuously going to happen.  What that would make people think.  All the people, all the time.  Or ~certain people, at certain times?  What scanning like that.  The cognitive techniques don’t work.  I have no defense against a FB.  Nothing works.  No cognitive solution is possible.  I just have to “roll with it”… At least, pushing through today’s FB, I discovered that they really don’t get worse.  They simmer, they stay at a constant level, until you can get home and lie down.  So there’s really no problem in pushing through.  How long that could be.  How much time you were looking at.  Certain people, must have looked into.  As clearly.  The type of clarity.  If you were to mention.  As you were to mention.

 


 

 

 

 

 

High-frequency Insanity

 

 

Do I really want to chat?  Or do I want to ~write.  I would think.  I would suppose.  Knowing.  Given, that.  If you had awoken to the realization.  Of capitalism.  You need capital.  You need to get capital, somehow.  You need to sell books.  Write books capable of being sold.  If that’s possible.  If you could imagine that.  What do you do, what do you consider?  I guess, I don’t know, I just suppose.  Maybe no one wants to read ufp.  Maybe it’s a moot genre.  Not viable, commercially.  That’s what you have to discover, what you have to suppose.  I guess.  I could.  I do.  As, is.  Maybe I’m “dead” – nothing happening, nothing worth writing.  Maybe I’m journaling too much.  Really – you should be editing / crafting – not always freewriting.  That’s what I consider.  What I figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As you’d.  If you’d.  What we do, what we consent.  I guess.  Trying to write.  To freewrite constantly might not be the solution.  To life.  It just might not work that way.  Able to write rough draft masterpieces.  Might not be possible.  At least you’ve realized that.  Pulling your books from online.  Pulling them down.  The ultimate act.  The ultimate chance to take.  Riding naked.  Naked into the sun.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

As closely, as carefully.  Looking into this point.  This place.  “He really put himself out there.”  To believe you were the only one.  In any given place.  “You made it.”  “We have the same kind of desire..”  We speak your language.  The “language” you were “speaking”…  What you could be thinking.  Supposing.  I guess – I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it were to, if you were to.  What that would “seem like” (explosion?)  Borderline (homelessness).  What’s “going on”… When you do that.  What are you ~doing?  How do you “do” that?  The next step in the scale.  The next note in the scale.  Slash distinctions.  Usually I wouldn’t be making it this far.  I’ve decided to see what “pushing through” does.  Whether that is a viable approach.  It turns out, it is.  You can do it. 

What you do, what you are.  If this were a “flashback”, today.  It seems.  At certain times.  At least ~some of the time..  What you consider, what you figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  The astronomically small probability that you could get a job.  Maybe you should be ~looking… Before you actually have to get one… What would you do?  You like to write.  That’s what you’re “good at”… That’s what you’d “want to do”… How people are going to continuously pay you, is another question..  Claims to be the most radical text.  Claims to be the text with the intensity.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Developing a bit of an “obsession”..  Bitcoin?  Is it worth anything, do you trust it, can you buy anything with it?  I don’t think so.  I like cash.  I’d rather have cash, than bitcoins.  What I’ve been able to discover.  What I’ve been able to persist.   What you do, eventually.  As it would happen.  As you would suppose.  What’s going on.  What you would suppose.  Different things, David.  Your name.  If the people hosting your website.  If they.  If they were to.  As they were to.  Who would host your website?  In this world?  What kinds of things?  Would you be into doing?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

As it were to, as you were to.  The tic’s can be said to have taken over.  They are getting omniprevalent.  They are taking over everything.  Each time you begin writing, it’s a tic.  Well – better than writer’s block, I guess.  That’s the thing.  If you think of the alternatives.  Maybe I can live with this.  Maybe this is to repetitively show me what going crazy is like?  Couldn’t that be the case?  For my research.  Maybe I ~did sign up for this.  Maybe I ~did “look carefully enough into” tripping / psychosis / insanity.  Maybe only I looked closely enough… Into what happens.  Primals.  I’m reliving LSD tripping.  The only one.  What those people, what this place, could be telling you.  It’s amazing for the amount of people here, how few of them are cute girls.  What you do / consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Why are you in Oakland?  “For the atmosphere”… What we suppose.  How we were to.  If we were to.  Things you have happening.  What you could be “looking at doing”… Looking at, wondering, wandering.  As that would happen.  As you would happen to the world.  What is happening?  To the world, or to you?  Experiences like this.  “Like” this… Can’t be duplicated.  Tension / relaxation experiments.  I’m having an LSD flashback now.  This is what happens.  What we’d suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  Could it really be that?  You looked most carefully?  When tripping, you pushed the insanity / sanity the farthest?  Further than anyone else, ever?  You hung on for dear life.  You tried to remain sane, while tripping.  Yet while wanting to “trip as hard as possible”… You pushed it.  Then, LSD poisoning.  What that did.  Does.  What that still does to you.  What I’m getting a glimpse of.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.

What you were considering doing.  As it were.  As you would.  Dead to the world.  How useless was a man who couldn’t fix a dripping faucet?  Fundamentally useless?  This is what I consider, what I suppose.  As I were to.  If I were to.  Different things.  You could have going on.  If you wanted to.  As it would.  If you would.  Different things.  You thought of writing.  You could think of writing.  As you would.  If you would.  Different things.  You could consider.  Will people want to read this stuff?  Maybe not.  Maybe you need a whole other conception of the word “bad”… Or, maybe people will be into the ultra-fictional philosophy.  Just because.  There isn’t a lot of stuff like it, out there.  What you’d consider.  How you’d suppose.  Tired of it.  Afraid of everything.  This afraid.  Maybe it’s why you haven’t mentioned anything.  You’re a phobic personality, an avoidant personality.  What you would do, consider.  Tired of the pretending.  Of the make believe.  What exactly you are.  What condition you have.  Exactly.  What you could tell people.  As it were.  If you were.  If you were going to tell people.  Actually. 

What you’ve written.  What that took.  (With “that” look)..  Dali’s hallucinogenic technique.  Paranoid-critical..  To write.  Working at Wendy’s?  Different things you could be flashing back to?  What they could be “about”?  I guess.  If you were to.  As you were to.  The tic’s getting ~really repetitive.  You’ll probably want to heavily edit this.  Why do people need to see your tic’s?  Is that what people want to see?  How a writer writes?  Maybe.  Maybe it is.  What you’re like, in journal.  What you could consider / report.

What you have to do, have to consider.  I guess.  Things going on.  As it.  If it.  As you.  If you were to.  Why do you write in fragmented tic’s?  I don’t know.  It feels good.  It’s what I want to write.  I’m the first writer who could write ~exactly what he dreamed of writing, and have it published.  Well, maybe that’s wrong.  Some other writers must be happy with their books.  But with the interweb… I have been able to write unedited text that is very transgressive.  No one else seems to be doing it.  The political components of the day.  What politics means in the US today.  Voting might help.  As a start.  Or writing more.  Blogging more, maybe.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  I just suppose.

As you would consider / suppose.  Amazing.  You get to write.  You get to have written.  The time.  The time you were given, the time you ~took for yourself.  Unbelievable.  No greater gift could be given to a writer / reader.  Then the time to express his potentiality.  What I figure.  What I suppose.  As you’d figure, as you’d consider.  Things.  That are going on.  In this world, in any world.  What you’d think.  I guess.  I have a lot of stuff going on.  In my subconscious.  All the meaning I’ve sought, I’ve produced.  The dreams I’ve had.  The flashbacks. 

What you have going on.  SI, intrusional.  I could be feeling fine.  I don’t think it’s depressed mood, hopelessness.  It’s more an obsessive intrusion.  This is what I deal with.  How much I decide to tell the med students.  To tell or not to tell.  This is what I have going on.  Things.  You could imagine.  You could almost suppose.  What we have going on.  It seems.  I guess.  If I were to.  As I were to.  What you have going on.  I guess.  It makes sense.  What you’d have to have going on.  In this sort of world / situation.  To set this up.  A “set up”.  What you’d think.  However far you’ve come.  Years.  How many years it took to set this up… Thousands of years.  I might become famous for different things.  Not all good things.  People might have a simplistic interpretation of my writings.  What fits in to the “rational” world.  Is it a rational world?  Is this why it’s so hard to talk about certain things?  They don’t fit in the world.  Unmentionable.  Unsayable.  What you have going on.  What you could be considering.  I guess.

What it comes to.  What you’d come to.  I guess this is what I have to write.  By this point.  At this point.  Have written so much.  It seems.  It could seem.  One or two words can get my point across.  As.  As you.  As you’d.  Different things, I could be thinking about / doing.  If you figure, if you consider.  What you have to talk about, write about, do.  Different things.  Maybe I’m “written out”… I’ve literally written it ~all.  Yes, music is about tripping – but it’s also about commonality.  If we are both entranced by a piece of music, this is evidence.  What you could be writing.

Creation to complain.  Women, girls.  Out there.  Your priority.  No one else is “here”… That’s a delusion, to think people can scan you as “here”… ~You’re here, no one else.  This is what we do.  We correct some of our crazy thinking.  Could have talked to some women.  Probably ~should have.  Pitt.  Thinking you’d get into grad school at Pitt.  Thinking you could be a professor…  Strange.  Odd.  With your jaw.  Your inability to speak.  That wouldn’t have worked very well.  I guess.  I figure, I suppose.  Is that why your writing hasn’t hit the next level – you don’t do enough speaking?  Or maybe it ~has hit the next level.  Maybe you just haven’t crafted it into something singular.  Which you will.  You have to.  It’s your only option.  Your only choice.  Do you have a choice?  Fatalism – is that what you believed?  Believed you’re God?  Dreaming the world?  Determined dream?  What kind of dream would that be?  Maybe it’s set up to be determined, but there are just too many variables.  Too much could go differently.  And ~does go differently. 

Some of the points.  You naturally might.  Structural problem.  Not time-based.  Anyone in your place.  The codes seem to keep changing.  The key nature.  Of this family.  This problem.  It could seem.  Like any of these scenes could have been key scenes.  But weren’t.  Actually, maybe they were.  I see.  Good enough.  Voices.  Sick enough, for this kind of revelation.  This is nothing new.  A pressure.  Like a buzz.  You could grow to like this “buzz”… Before I knew what a buzz was.  Seems like this pressure/buzz.  That I never again will need drugs to reach.  Think of tomorrow.  How much you’ll love yourself, if you can “decide today”..  Deprivation Torture?  Is that what you’ve been in the middle of considering?  Doing?  What we’ve been looking into?  Certain key terms.  I told a living soul.  Anatole.  A certain brother.  Difficulty, with this sort of topic.  Approaching.  The.  Keywords.  Seems like that could always.  The next note in the scale.  What you could have been looking into.  This whole time.  I guess.  I suppose.  I must not actually know.  Seems like, in exactly this place.  You’re expecting something to happen for you.  To you.  Depending – David-pending.  David waiting.  Deceiving.  Devices.  David vices.  Dissolve.  David-solution.  You wanted to dissolve.  You were hoping the problem would dissolve.  The nature.  The problem was part of the solution.  The world’s course is as dialectical as that.  What you’ve been considering.  What have you been doing?  Asking the neighbors to your funeral?  Whose points?  Have we been looking into, all this time.  Like they always already knew.  Know.  God.  What you were doing to yourself, with drugs.  What was being done to you, for you, with drugs.  Was it a choice? 

I don’t know.  Not really.  I just have to assume.  Assuming you knew what you know.  Assuming you wouldn’t like to relive the drug addiction.  “Drug addiction” – just meditate upon the phrase.  What that sounds like.  And you’d drink again?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think it’s compatible with life, your life.  You are too healthy now to poison.  This wasn’t always the case.  When you were told not to do acid.  You resisted this, and kept doing it, until a negative experience was powerful enough.  You tell your story to yourself, in journal, over and over.  Maybe this is what being a poor writer is about.  Different things.  Almost exactly like.  It’s almost exactly like.  You could consider.  You could figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

Depending whose “voices” you were listening to.  She was a supermodel, and plays guitar.  That makes a perfect 10.  What you figure.  What you suppose.  Who I’ve been listening to.  I’m attracted to beauty.  And the French language is something I’m curious about.  Not curious enough to learn it.  But interested in the philosophy and music.  Enough to try to understand what they’re saying.  Of course, German is the main game.  Reading Adorno.  First Nietzsche, then later, Adorno, the ultimate goal.  To understand.  Then I guess, even further, to be able to articulate some things, to speak the language.  Ultimately.  You guess.  What you have going on.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  Talking with Bri and Barnaby on FB.  What that’s like.  “Like”… It’s what it is.  Exactly.  You could be said to be doing ~exactly this.  Not too many other people may be doing it.  Writing like this?  Not that your quality level is so amazing.  Or the content choices are so unusual.  But the sheer magnitude.  Of what you have written.  And continue to write.  It’s what you’re about.  The only thing you’ve pursued at a professional level.  Music, until the tendon problems disheartened you.  Computers, until the stress of a job became too much.  But writing?  You’ve never really given up.  You’ve never really lost your ambitions.  It’s what we do.  What we consider.  How ~prophetic Ether was, with his grade.  Fuck you, he was saying, in other words.  Get the fuck out of here.  If you want to write, go write.  Leave the corporation, the university.  If you really think you can write.  And you’re on disability.  You have an infinite advantage over an unemployed writer.  With this advantage, of disability income, you shouldn’t really complain.  You shouldn’t have anything to complain about.  You’ve been given an infinite gift.  Compared to an unemployed writer.  Unbelievable.  I am grateful, thankful.  I understand society has its own reasons for helping us.  At the tip of the needle.  What I do, what I consider.  If you get paid to be honest on FB.  If it helps.  Depending what you were going to consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Maybe Ether’s friends will see my post.  That’s what I can only hope.  And ~my friends will see it.  That’s all that counts.  Fuck you, he was saying.  This is what I’ve concluded.  What I suppose.  What I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Different trajectories of Desire.  What Desire meant to Lucas – and what it means to me.  What is ~my desire?  To write.  To achieve dream-writing.  Writing like in my dreams.  What else do I have to go for? 

What you'd do.  Searching, looking, living, scanning, rolling, reading, primalling, tripping.  Different words for what your eyes, your selves, do.  I guess.  In the mood to write?  See how that would go?  Nothing much happening?  In your brain.. Writer’s block, writer’s schlock.  This is what we do.  What we consider.  Yes, it would be good to write.  But I don’t know what I’d write.  Thinking I’m a channel.  What’s on DCB channel?  What’s DCB doing today?  Continuous, or discrete information sending?  Is God continuously in you?  Or just for discrete events.  That would be an important realization to have.  If that were possible.  What you do – what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What do you do?  What are your selves doing?  Scanning for certain high points?  To see if you lost?  You’d want to be independent.  Reputation or fame would no longer be a negative. 

Having seeded the world with free promotional copies.  Seeing what a seeding does, to the world.  Whether it’s capable of generating any interest.  Maybe.  You never know.  You barely like to read the stuff yourself – how do you think someone else would do?  Maybe it’s just for you.  Maybe only you will care about this stuff.  This is what happens.  How you consider.  How you suppose.  Falling, to flying.  It’s way better, now that you’re flying.  You’re not broadcasting non-copy-protected books online with advertisement freely to the world.  You’re hanging on to the stuff.  Until they figure out that they should publish you.  Then there would be a demand, for your work.  Now, there’s no demand.  You have to create a buzz.  You have to create a phenomenon.  This is what I think, what I suppose.

What we do.  Maybe it ~is a medical problem, a problem of nutrition.  If glue can fuck your system up that badly.  Perlmutter is believable.  To me.  He seems to be speaking with wisdom and authority.  Maybe I ~do have gluten sensitivity.  And I’ve been torturing myself, because of my diet.  It could be ~that simple.  Or complex.  Complex realizations.  What we figure.  As we were to, if we were to.  What types of vacations you could be into taking.  Seem to be, seen to be.  I guess.  I suppose.  As it would happen.  If we were really going to follow the trail that far.  All the way.  We’ll go back the way we came.  Yes we will.  What you were expecting.  The LSD.  What ~that could have done to you.  With your intelligence.  Afraid of fucking up his brain (Feynman).  I guess you weren’t afraid.  Or you thought it would be worth it, to break the Imperial Conditioning.  Whatever that was.  However that took effect.  From silence.  Avoidance, deceptions, escape.  What you were lying about.  Liars make for “good writers” (righters) – they make things right.  How that was going to happen.  To go for you.  Of course if your primal is about tripping, it’s not necessarily going to be something you can just turn off and on at will.  It’s going to last eight hours or so.  You might have to relive.  It might be a matter of.  As you would consider.  I’m reliving acid trips. 

As you would go.  If you were to.  Be happy to be alive.  Worry about moving with Sec 8.  Finally get it.  Finally realize, what life is about.  A message from Lucas.  He knew, somehow, that his message had been transmitted – that he didn’t need additional attempts at communicating with DCB.  This is what I figure.  How I suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Different things.  What you’d suppose.  I don’t know how much any of this affects you.  What you’re responding to.  Smells?  Maybe that’s part of it.  One of the sensory modalities.  Why neglect it?  In your writing?  When it has been so important?  Remembrance.  Remembering life, and how you are just now seeming to understand how nice it can be.  Struggle, in Janov’s sense.  If you’re always struggling, to get to sleep.  Then your dreams might be troubled, struggle-dreams.  On the other hand, if you do DT and practice patience and gratefulness, you may be able to chill out in your dreams.  What I figure.  I like to enhance my dreams.  What I’ve been looking into, over the years.  Finally “getting it”, understanding.  The visual field.  Same as in childhood.  Same lack of comprehension, about how this could be.  “Does anyone know about consciousness?  How will I find out?”  Turns out, they don’t know.  The ones who think they know are the most deluded of all.  That’s probably not what they’d claim.  You’ve developed a skepticism about truth claims of philosophers.  What you’d consider.  Zizek, for instance.  Seems not to understand Adorno.  If you understood Adorno, you’d like Adorno.  Different things.

I kind of like the peace and quiet.  Don’t need to turn on the feed, just yet.  Maybe later – maybe eventually.  What we discover.  A nightmare trip to Best Buy.  Traffic from hell.  That’s what you get.  When you don’t listen to Mom.  Shouldn’t have gone.  Should have waited ‘till a down time.  Driving on the weekends in suburbia.  Mallville.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess – I don’t know, I just suppose.  This is what happens.  What you consider.  If it were to.  Spending a lot of time on FB.  I don’t know how valuable that is.  Or isn’t.  Seems to provide a certain amount of connection.  To friends.  Seems to provide a certain.  Amount of attention.  To your work.  What people would like to promote.  What they would like to see promoted.  Probably not a lot of you.  Your stuff.  Probably not the most popular approach.  What you consider.  How it would go.  If you.  As you.  DT becomes habitual.  You develop the ~habit of DT.  And if you deprive yourself, it can feel like torture.  What I’m thinking.  What I’m supposing.  At this stage in the game. 

What you do.  What you consider.  As it would go.  As you would do it.  Maybe you’ve learned something.  I thought you “got it” – understood how good life was?  If I get fixed, I’ll never feel bad again.  Didn’t work out like that.  Not exactly how it happened.  What we consider, suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess.  I don’t ~really know.  Not really.  I just suppose. 

Thinking about music, about Carla Bruni, about philosophy and Adorno.  If you were to.  As you were to.  What you would consider/ figure.  If you were to suppose.  What most people could have been looking into.  All this time.  Anyone given the right link.  Could be making distinctions like this.  The right “to-link”, link to content.  If they were.  If you were to suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Could you have been a virtuoso, like Yo-yo Ma?  I don’t quite think.  Not exactly as intense as that guy.  John McLaughlin?  Wasn’t able to figure out jazz guitar.  Can’t help you there.  What we’d suppose / portray.  If certain things had happened.  Anything significant?  Don’t think building the world was significant?  Decisions.  To build, to engineer.  Technical stuff.  The technical accomplishment of the world.  The philosophical discourse of modernity.  Savor material ideal.  Different things.  Almost exactly.  Like.  You wouldn’t want the whole world at your door.  Knocking.  Brandom has his home address and phone number on the internet.  He’s famous.  He must not get harassed.  This is what I figure, what I consider. 

I don’t know why I would chat on that channel.  Asking for punishment?  Willing to submit to the channel’s special discipline?  Lonely, hungry, bored?  I guess there could be many reasons.  It’s not necessarily bad to feed into an asshole channel?  If you’ve decided that it is an asshole channel…  Well, I guess I gave up pretty quickly.  Back to my own writing.  Good reminder.  How much I don’t like chat.  It’s so much better to write.  Hard to believe.  You might believe.  That a moving, responsive chat window could provide more joy than the static, written page.  But that’s not necessarily true.  What you figure.  What you consider.  Tic’s are the most valuable things writers can share with each other.  We want to know your tic’s.  What allows you to write so much?  What will people say about your writing?  Up to them.  If they choose to comment.  I’ve provided the links.  Multiple times.  If they’re not curious enough to follow the links… Then why should I lead them to any conclusion?  If what we do.  As what we do.  I thought I was appreciating life, last night, in bed.  Then SI today.  You can “lose it” that quickly.  From full, plentiful appreciation of life, to suicidal, in less than a day.  Strange.  What do you think that’s from?  Probably has to do with my brain disease.  At the tip of the needle.  They’re administering drugs to us.  They’re interested in how we respond to drugs.  Comply with treatment.  I guess.  I guess I’ve always complied.  Not with SA.  Did my share of abusing substances.  Now I care too much, to do that.  I’m too fond of my body, and careful about killing it.  Careful about what I put in it.  Poisons.  What we suppose / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Not feeling entirely well.  SI, for no reason.  Reading doesn’t seem as attractive.  Today, it hasn’t seemed as attractive.  I don’t know what that’s from.  The arthritis from tablet-holding.  Worrying me.  Will I be able to keep reading tablets for the next forty or so years?  If they give my joints problems?  How will I deal?  I guess different people have to look forward to different things.  What your parents deal with.  Reminded me how much I don’t want someone in my apartment, fucking with my shit.  Want to avoid that.  Don’t like “going out.”  Waiting for someone to come pick me up.  Stress.  It’s better to avoid “going out.”  Only do what you have to do.  Only do what you want to do.  Did you get anything out of playing with Godfried?  Not really.  No better than playing with myself.  Maybe worse.  Pressure to conform / perform.  I do better on my own.  Different realizations I could have.  I could be having.  I guess.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New Normal

 

 

The consumption gets to be too much.  Depending on what “you’re scanning for.”  It could be hard to scan for an excess of consumption.  Sometimes you just need to turn to the production.  You have to go with your intuition.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we consider, what we figure.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things you could have going on.  If you were to write “that”… What have you written?!  I guess no one really knows.  We don’t know what an “idea” is.  Whether we’re able to chat about it, or not.  Discourse Topics.  What you consider.  As you figure.  Just about.  This is just about how closely / carefully, you’d / they’d be looking into certain points / I’s.   I guess.  I don’t know.  If this is ~exactly what it’s like – what’s the big deal?  If it knows exactly what you’re going through?  Then what is the problem? 

As you would.  If you would.  To determine, Dependency Trials.  ~What are you really dependent on?  Is there a trial in your future?  Could you determine, could you compose.  I guess, I don’t know.  Not really.  Ultimately.  I just go on what’s happened.  What has happened?  Is this “happening” to you?  Is this groovy to you?  Is that the question they might be asking themselves?  Who?  Anyone given the correct link.  Would seemingly be able to make distinctions like this.  If they were.  As they were.  What you compose, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Depending.  On what you had written.  What have you written?!  Do you even know?  Hard to keep in mind.  Hard to remember.  I don’t really remember writing a lot of that.  Not because I was on drugs.  Or ~was I “on drugs” – at the tip of the needle?  This is what happens.  What would happen.  What you could consider to be the case.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  That could almost always be happening.  Like if “everyone finds out” what you’ve been posting.  The content.  Certain content on certain websites.  Such that.  Having told them about it.  Having given the link, to not be investigated.  Up to them.  They have the link.  If I were given the link, I would investigate it.  But I’m not “a normal human”… “You must not be a normal human, to get in here.”  Discovery Tales.  Now is a time of discovery.  See if changing your who-is info has any effect.  On the FB’s.  I doubt it.  There will just be something else they’re “about”.  There’s always something for a trip to be about.  Can’t really deny that.  If you’re tripping.  Then I would.  As I would.

What “it” might seem like.  Knowing how closely certain people had been “looking into points.”  “I have a blog and a website.”  What you would consider.  If you were to consider.  I call it “ultra-fictional philosophy – it’s like philosophy but it doesn’t claim to be true.”  Maybe shouldn’t be driving, at certain points.  Feel good enough to go, tricked by the noise-cancelling earphones into thinking I felt good enough to go.  “We can’t read your mind.  I wouldn’t have asked you to go.”  Some of the points.  Putting off the inevitable?  Escape or evasion.  You seem to be evading responsibility for some of these points.  Almost like DeLillo.  In language anyone can understand.  Will you translate it into English?  The Queen’s own English?  What language are you writing in?  That took soul.  That must help.  Points worth repeating.  Repetitious focus, on some of these points.  Depending what you meant by “looking into”… What you could owe, at certain points.  Getting a nice long shared look, into how you were scanning.  Crazy.  Crazy to be scanning.  Go nuclear.  The nuclear family’s secret.  Seems like for each thought, there’s a response.  Call-and-response.  When the “frequencies” are happening that intensely.  Frequently.  Tuning into the frequencies.  Seems like certain people.  Would be able to tell.  At certain times.  Or, all the people, all the time.  I don’t think it dulls your mind.  “He doesn’t either, or he wouldn’t be telling us this.”  “Yes, but it gives her such a deep sleep, that they can come and inject.”  This is what I do.  What I consider.  Face book.  Face the book you wrote.  You were writing.  Facebook, in other words.  Something I’ve been meaning to tell people.  But have been evading, due to the extreme nature.  Have been looking into evading.  For a certain amount of time.  Think it’s worth mentioning.  I keep forgetting to tell them that.  Exactly that.  Why my brain would be out of balance.  Let us know.  So you can let us know.  Show, don’t tell.  We must know this exactly.  Being us who made you.  Told your name.  Told your name, as you left the store.  Everyone would need to be told their name… How crazy it would feel.  At certain points.  I forgot to tip them.  “Good she says.”  “Old crooked-beard.”  That should be enjoyable.  To hear their commentary.  As they discover what I did to her beard.  Seems kind of funny.  Could seem kind of funny, at “certain points.”  Just doing.  What were you “just doing”?  Just now?  Can you say what that is?

As you would go, do.  Things.  Things going on, things happening.  As it would be, consist.  Gibberish.  Mindless gibberish.  What we’d have to be looking into.  The lights.  Eyes closed.  “I’s” “closed” to the “lights”… what language you were speaking.  What you were “saying”… Difficulty.  The FB’s are LSD Primals.  I’m reliving the eight-hour primal experience.  That’s why it seems like so long.  That’s why the intensity.  Depending on how intense your trips were.  What you did to yourself.  How far “in” you went.  I guess.  All of the factors, together.  Add up to flashbacks.  Nothing you can do about it.  Now, yet.  You should push through.  Pushing through leads to some complex realizations.  What you would consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would happen.  That’s not really music.  Played and quantized to a click.  Compared to Bernstein’s Mahler?  Where the tempi are continually changed, pushed?  This is what happens.

Money making the man.  The struggle in capitalism.  The war of all against all.  Time heals all wounds.  If you can take a cosmic perspective.  Then time ~does heal all wounds.  “Life goes on.”  Life happens.  Life exists.  And so forth.  What you consider.  Without SSI, you’d be fucked.  I don’t know.  It seems.  The system.  Protecting you.  Serving you.  You trying to change it.  You thought it needed to be changed.  Half the world lost in poverty?  And you don’t think that needs to change?  Can’t we ~do anything with the world?  Do we simply have to reinforce it?  Aggreculture might be the answer.  Aggregate rational culture.  Or is the subject more important?  Subject, or world.  Worldview of self.  What worldview do you have?  What sorts of things are you thinking about?  Trying to be a writer.  Have some sites up.  Web sight, so to speak.  Gaining slowly in popularity.  I’d need to be fairly popular, to make a living selling books.  I’m not there yet.  Maybe never will be.  It’s sad, tragic.  What a writer should probably do, to survive.  If you ~wanted to be a writer.  How much you’d write.  If you saw it as your answer.  Then.  Then I would figure.  I would consider.  I planted the seeds.  I don’t have to look for an agent.  I’m trying to get a different type of phenom going.  Seeds, word-of-mouth, word-of-link.  I’ll get popular on my own, by my own powers.  I don’t need an agent, to sell books.  I just need to write and publish a book by myself.  Or, wait for the seeds to do their work.  If I were to become well-known.  Through word-of-link.  Then.  Then I might be able to sell books.  That’s really what I want to do.  If you figure.  If you consider.  And that.  Is that.  And you, are you.  What you’d do.  Self-publish books.  Link to the Axis-Tone pages on your sites.  Count on the sites for clicks.  How many clicks you could generate, from your sites.  Political project?  Half the world in misery?  And you want to ~profit from this situation?  For me to survive as a writer.  Not going to do I.T. work.  Not cut out for it.  Maybe Wendy’s.  Flipping burgers.  That’s really all I can imagine myself doing, job-wise.  Maybe being a writer means being a poor writer.  Time to work.  Time to do it.  Time to catch up, make something worthwhile.

The points where you’re “here”… “I just was trying to relax.”  To relax, in the middle of this?  How does this happen?  How can this be “happening” to you?  Repetitive attention, to the tripping brain?  Certain unwise repeated experiments.  Wouldn’t everyone be looking into an experiment like this.  How they could make you.  Cause you to develop.  A lot of people think their own families exceptional.  Exploding heads?  Explosion?  Doesn’t sound nice.  For it to fall on you.  As you’d say, when it fell on you.  If you could be prevented from falling, here.  Seems like they’d want to look in your eyes.  As they were to.  As they were.  Seems like you’d want to look in someone’s eyes.  If he was going to claim to be god.  Or claim to have been god.  Whatever the case for the god-claim.  This is what happens.  What happens.  “Have you had any flashbacks this weekend?”  “I’m having one now.”  You should have told us.  Very interesting.  A health problem you don’t want to have.  Is it passing?  “No, not passing.”  I’m sorry you’re having these problems. 

What you do, what you consider.  Why they put you exactly here.  They "put you here"... You took the first place that was offered.  In the first place.  What you could be looking into surviving.  With this type of disorder.  Health problem.  What you could be considering doing.  As you’d want to.  Call off all activities.  A nice, long, shared look into these lights.  Into the effects of certain lights.  On certain people.  You’d want to remember this, exactly.  If this was happening to someone you cared about.  A family member.  You’d want this to be memorable.  How they could have looked in your eyes.  As you slipped, and almost fell.  You could have looked over at them, just to show a decent human sign / signal, that something had happened and been averted.  You didn’t fall.  You made it.  To this point.  Without a breakdown.  “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.”  Before modern medicines – if one wanted freedom, one didn’t enter the psychiatric hospital.  Before modern medicines.  First break.  You haven’t broken.  There has been no break.  You’ve continuously looked into these voices.  Continuous help?  What forms of help?  Would you need?  To do this well, on these kinds of voices?  What you’re considering.  “Ever since the change conversion.”  You’re rolling in cash.  For a little bit.  What we consider.  Spent all your Axis-Tone gift cards on music.  You “know how to spend it.”  If you’re going to spend on something.  May as well be music.  And the Adorno for Anatole.  “To enhance your listening pleasure.”  Whether he wants his pleasure to be enhanced, or not.  Certain points.  Wouldn’t ~everyone be looking into these points?  All the time?  Always, already?  If you had posted material like this?  Online – up there – for everyone to see.  Advertising.  “I stumbled upon it.”  What you could be putting in front of people’s eyes.  Faces.  Face “book”… Your book is like a face.  Your face is like a book, people can read.  If they had looked into the matter.  Then they’d be able to read.  Just like reading a book.  They’d literally be able to “see” “what I’m thinking” – or what I have thought – same difference.  This is how it goes.  Rolling up to Chipotle, in a certain condition.  Having someone sitting in the window, seeing me roll up.  Them saying my name, as I left.  What you figure.  What you might consider.  Call for help.  Call and response.  They might inject you.  With certain devices.  D-vices – David-vices.  Certain problems.  Problem.  It’s a problem.  Why your brain is unbalanced.  Could relate to certain extreme actions.  That I’ve done.  Probably on a world-wide basis, for all time, forever after.  Certain things, I looked into doing.  Or I actually did.

What you could consider.  What you could ~be.  Your name.  Everyone needs to be told their names…  That is what a name is, after all.  Everyone, all the time, would be thinking this.  Putting off the inevitable.  You can make one go away, but sometimes it comes back, before the day is over.  What we consider.  How we were to figure.  You’re seeing a woman?  She was paranoid-type personality before.  Now it’s full-blown psychosis.  What you’d think.  They made you.  If you had made something like this.  Getting into a trance about Chipotle?  Is that what you do – get into trances about recent experiences?  Flash back to when you had to go there with dad – felt like you had no choice, but to go there.  Feeling good.  Trying to relax.  Then the force of it hits me, when I’m on the road.  Shouldn’t drive.  Shouldn’t really even be taken for rides.  Should be in bed.  For this type of thing. 

Depending what you thought.  What you would think.  The people following you this closely.  Looking in your eyes, this closely.  “We’re doing all we can scientifically do.”  This is what happens.  The Mars Volta.  The Mahler.  Different things, you could be looking into.  As you would figure.  As that would figure.  Not as sensitive to alarming noises from the hallway.  Not as alarmed by them.  With the earphones on.  What you figure.  That took soul.  To raise you.  To bring you up, with that.  Like that.  That took soul.  Worth repeating.  What they would have had to look into.  As they would have had to look.  Into your mouth.  Can you imagine?  Hard to imagine.  That they wouldn’t say something.  They did.  “The doctors told us to leave you that way.”  I guess I had no response for that.  No response ready.  I didn’t “get it”… Or maybe I ~did.  Maybe my life was ~chosen, necessary.  The ~ideal possible life.  You would figure.  If they always, already knew this.  Knew of this.  Then.  Then you might consider.  You might figure.  If they had “looked into this point” before.  Before.  Be “for”, or against, this type of reading.  “Without belief in miracles, we are like reeds, blowing in the wind.”  Lucas.  Naming names.  Naming Lucas in multiple books.  Hopefully that would help him, as a writer.  Add to his reputation, as a writer.  Which I think he cares about.  I think he would like publicity.  As a writer.  If I can do anything for him.  At this point.  But to name him.  He should be successful.  Working as hard as he did.  Seeing as much as he saw.  With the style and grace.  He should be a successful writer.  The market is not kind to creative types.  If he’s trying to please the market.  And was named in DCB’s work.  Maybe good.  For Estelle as well.  She’ll be known as a key feminist figure.  It could only be good for her.  After what she tried to do to my reputation.  She should know all about free publicity.  What you figure, what you consider.  Facebook can help you with writing.  Get your stuff out there.

What you consider.  What you suppose.  I guess.  I “like to write”… I turn to writing, at various times.  During the day.  Such as, now.  What you’d figure.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Disguised Thought?  Different Talking?  I guess.  I guess that’s like what happens.  What could happen.  To you.  As you survived so many flashbacks.  As you were to survive.  Different things.  Going on.  Probably shouldn’t drive.  Should probably have said something.  About being in a flashback.  Headphones fooled me into feeling good.  Thinking I was feeling good enough.  But then.  The trip, the tripping.  What you might consider.  As you might suppose.  Different things.  Going on.  As it.  If it.  What you’d consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we would come to depend on.  If we were to.  As we were to.  Delay Timing?  Dimensional Transfer?  Maybe I like repeating certain things.  Certain concepts of therapy.  Seem to be helpful.  In dealing with whatever I have to deal with… It’s the morning, the beginning of the day.!  You have a whole day ahead of you..!  Such as.  What you might consider.  Why the glum look?  When you have a day in front of you?  Kind of pessimistic, waking up.  Feeling like the housing issue.  If I had an income.  The housing issue wouldn’t be an issue anymore.  It’s all about income.  What disability income has enabled me to do.  Why complain?  Free ride.

What we do, what we consider.  SI.  Hits me.  I guess.  Suicidal Ideation.  How is that, lately?  Somewhat disturbing.  I’m stronger than it is.  I’m not in danger.  There’s a bit of hopelessness, a bit of “fuck-it” thinking.  It seems like a pretty elaborate set-up.  Like setting this up took a fair amount of effort.  That I’d be wasting, if I killed myself.  All the effort.  My own effort, especially.  All I went through.  But yet.  I get SI.  Because of my housing situation, mainly.  So unstable.  I can’t feel “at home”… Expecting it to go South at any moment.  Not really feeling confidant in my housing.  Maybe I ~shouldn’t live alone.  On my own.  Until I’m independent.  This government dependence is stressful.  Too stressful.  What you figure.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

As careful as you are.  About keeping back-ups.  Now with three cloud options all going at once.  A good backup regime, I think.  Better than in previous phases.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  How you’d expect this to go.  You’d expect things to happen.  If you expected certain things to happen.  As you were going to.  If you were going to.  As it would happen.  If it would happen.  I have a blog, two websites, and a Youtube channel.  I’ve published four books.  Big books.  Ultra-fictional philosophy, I call it.  Tell her it would be interesting to see how cold that feels.  I thought she came up with the phrase “polar vortex”… This is what happens.  You ~can find a bit of comfort / relaxation.  Just think – in a flashback, you can’t relax.  All you want to do is relax.

Ever since the change conversion.  I’m stronger than the SI – still, though – somewhat disturbing.  To have these thoughts, on a repetitive basis.  That took soul.  Repeated focus.  What you’d consider.  Commentary on my family members.  Not just me.  That’s a step in psychosis.  When the voices start talking about other people.  You’d imagine.  As you’d figure.  Yoga Nidra is mental positions, basically.  Positions for your mind to go through.  The ~discipline of DT is great for you.  What you figure.  How you’d consider.  Whether or not you include real tic’s in your writing.  I think that would be valuable.  For a writer to do.  If one were.  As one were to.  If you were to write ultra-fictional philosophy, ufp, then I would suppose you’d want to show them exactly how you did it.  Ufp is something that not everyone is familiar with.  You have to “introduce” them to this “type” of work.  Inevitable, that certain people would find out.  Their commentary, on this work.  “I can’t wait to hear their commentary on this.”  “That will be enjoyable.”  What you consider.  Figure.  I don’t think they dull your brain.  But they might put you to sleep so deeply that they can come in and inject you at night.  If all the voices know what’s happening in your brain.  They must have inside access.  They actually know ~everything about you and what you think – because they ~are you.  They are your brain.  So they’re going to be able to follow very closely.  Drool response?  Is that natural, or conditioned.?  Would you naturally want this much attention on your work?  As a writer?  I am becoming a writer.  What I consider.  How I suppose.  A book for the market.  After I’ve bypassed the market with my first four books.  Save one for the market.  See how that works.  What you think about that.  ID is a pretty radical book, as well.  Maybe even should have held on to that one, also.  My last book for free online.  Future books will be published, market books.  It’s what I figure.  What I consider.  As I were to suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things they might want to censor, in coa.  Things they might not want to publish. 

What you'd have to suppose.  As suddenly as that, it happens.  What I have to be afraid of.  Looking carefully, into certain points.  Into yourself.  Into your world.  As that would go.  What are these people saying to you?  What language are you speaking?  What are you “saying”?  Is that what you’re afraid of admitting?  Why does it get so scary, sometimes?  Maybe you ~should be scared.  Each flashback thought has a rational response.  If ~you’re “here”, then everyone around you is “here” also.  Seeing them is equal to them seeing you.  If you think it should be a big deal to have “arrived”… What you were looking into.  The only, first, most?  If that’s what they’re telling you, in Pittsburgh.  At the clinic.  Telling you no one else has flashbacks.  What you’d consider / figure.  If you were to, as you were to.  Different things.  Almost exactly like, this is the place, you wouldn’t want to be, driving in.  It’s almost exactly like.  You’d have to realize, you’d have to suppose.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  The tic’s let you keep writing.  Cherish and nourish the tic’s.  The tic’s could be your secret weapon.  In the war to write.  You’re literally at ~war with all the other writers.  Of ~course they’ll devalue your work.  LSD tripping.  Of course they’ll call you crazy.  That’s not the victory, though.  What “they say”… It’s what people will continue to ~read, that is key.  If you think they could read your stuff.  For ten thousand years, or however long.

What you’d have to figure, what you’d have to consider.  Maybe we’re ~interested in “tic’s” – maybe they ~aren’t so “automatic” – maybe they are the strongest components of consciousness..!  Just-in-time compilation.  “Compilation” – reminds me that we can treat the mind ~as a computer, even though it is not actually one.  It has an Operating System.  It is programmed.  You have to wonder.  It makes you wonder.  What you can do to enhance cognition.  To enhance cognitive processes.  Makes you wonder.  How many books you would want to read.  How many books you would want to ~write.  “Books” – as in, when they book you.  When they arrest you and charge you with a crime.  What becomes of you.  If you figure.  If you consider.  Strange.  “Even in the family?”  What goes on.  What would have to happen.  For you to believe you were conditioned.  Or, you did it to yourself?  I thought you ~wanted to get fixed.  Maybe ~eventually fixed is the key concept here.  You wanted to go through a fuck-mouth-brain phase.  Not forever, just for childhood.  And young adulthood.  What you figure.  What you’d consider.  You started doing drugs.  You wanted to break the conditioning.  You already ~had access.  You developed a need for substitute, artificial access.  “We could get arrested with you smiling like that.”  A bad sign.  That you would feel so good on drugs.  You forgot immediately how good you used to feel ~without drugs.  You traded in your natural access.  Well, live and learn.  Twenty-one years later, here we are.  A long “trip”… A long trip through drug addiction.  Drug addiction is no good.  You think you’re being stimulated, you think you’re more creative.  Maybe you ~are “stimulated” – but it’s ~artificial.  It’s not natural.  It’s addictive.  It also destroys the mind, progressively.  Hard to imagine that you escaped.  You can get addicted from one usage.  The first time you get high, you’re addicted.  Pot is unbelievably powerful.  Especially the new variants.  I would even classify it as psychedelic.  It can cause visual hallucinations.  As far as what developing schizophrenia did for me..?  It enabled me to enter therapy, to get the surgery, to begin recovery.  I guess I had no choice, over any of my life.  It was all necessary.  You’d think.  You’d consider.  If you were to suppose.  That it all could have been necessary.  Then what?  What now?  What would that mean for today?  What is necessary today?  You have to figure.  You have to consider.  As you’ve written so much.

Hatred, intolerance.  Different emotions, you could want to be familiar with, as a writer.  For you.  For you to learn.  It wouldn’t all be lukewarm, placid waters.  It might be a matter of putting yourself through some emotions.  Strong emotions.  Whether or not you could use any of this in a book.  What type of book you’re writing.

What are the realizations from ~that?  What did you learn from ~there?  If you were going to make money writing.  How good at it you’d have to be.  You’d want to be.  Always wondering, how crazy is that guy, walking by, staring in?  This is what happens.  What you’d consider.  “Always” is the wrong interpretation for “mother”… If you don’t have the rational interpretations.  Cixous helps you.  She really helps with the concepts/ flashbacks.  You just have a flashback in public.  I decided to push on through.  Was that tolerable?  What you consider / figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What that would mean – not to have a cell phone.  The dynamic would change.  If people could only get a hold of you at home.  Then.  You might consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How that would go.  How you could consider.

How that would seem.  To you.  You and no one else.  Concerned with animals being able or not able to commit suicide?  Is this what god should be concerned with – giving everyone an “out”?  I guess.  I just suppose.  I thought birds were supposed to go south for the winter.  Who would know about that?  What do you consider?  What do you suppose?  Stand up and wander around the apartment.  You could get addicted to it.  Instead of the armchair philosophy.  What we consider.  How we suppose.  If you were to.  A program is static, while the brain is plastic.  Programs stop working because of bugs.  The brain has to continue working.  It seems a lot more fault-tolerant than a computer could be.  It’s probably more complex.  It probably doesn’t tolerate faults well, on its own levels.  Schizophrenia.  If that’s a fault.  Causing you to be delusional, paranoid, and hallucinate.  Could be a problem, depending on what you were going to do.  To try to do.  That could pose a problem.  What you consider.  How you suppose.  It to be.  At a point like this.  Can’t decide how to put the chips in the bigger bag.  Too complex.  Could I have gotten in an accident?  Driving in a FB?  Not good.  Should probably avoid that, if possible.  Probably not the best condition for driving.  What we consider.  How we suppose.  How that would go, or wouldn’t go.  If it were inevitable.  To face certain books.  To come face to face with certain books you had written.  To put a “face” on the book.  To claim responsibility for the books.  What you could do.  What you could consider.  Or?  Suicide.  End it all.  That’s what I think.  At certain times.  When you’d.  As you’d.  As you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

Design scans for this.  You didn’t always know.  What you were in store for.  Primal stillness.  Like something from an Asaro novel.  You are at the limits of nature.  Your decision, to look this closely, into yourself.  What are you ultimately looking into?  When you decide how to feel your body?  Take the mind on a tour of the body.  Low-intensity flashbacks can be helped by Yoga Nidra.  I am becoming a writer.  A high-intensity FB – not so easy to help.  Putting off the inevitable.  Very interesting.  We’re doing our best.  What you could be looking into.  Losing the apartment.  Everything.  Journals included.  Possible.  Your life is what really matters most.  You, your body, your life.  Everything else is secondary.  You can’t take it with you.  What you should realize.  As closely as you’ve looked into this point.  How to keep it the same, how to live here, how to stay safe forever.  What you’ve been considering.  It’s good to ask for help.  And get some help.  For a low-intensity.  Which you never know, might have turned into a high-intensity.  This is what happens.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we contemplate.  What company would ever hire a writer like you?  After what you’ve written?  Seemingly placed yourself outside the norms.  Your parents, seeing your mouth for the first time.  When young, before you had teeth.  When growing up.  They must have loved you, as you were.  They were used to your problem.  You were not so okay with it.  You were on permanent lockdown.  Permanent alert.  You were not a happy camper.  Not at all.  Who could have known?  Who could have read your mind?  You didn’t write much.  You didn’t realize.  What writing could lead to.  You didn’t think you could talk, so you knew you couldn’t write.  Maybe writing would have helped.  It helped you to go crazy, with Lucas.  Helped on your trip to insanity and drug addiction.  But also, to recovery and wellness.  The writing has ultimately helped.  You think.  You consider.  Your choice.  To remain here.  To stay here in the face of.  The face of certain.  Problems.  Certain problematics.  What you’d consider.  As you’d figure.  As you’d look into certain points.  As you could.

What do you seem to be doing?  What do you seem to be considering?  As it would.  As you would.  You’re there.  You won.  Anxiety about moving, anxiety about not moving.  Different “schizophrenic” realities.  Going on.  Turning off.  What you could be considering.  As long as everyone were to live in Palm Springs.  This is how it goes.  How you’d figure.  What you do, suppose.  Back pain.  The reality.  Following your voices.  Trying to listen to the voices.  They’re interested in what would happen, if I called Resolve, in the middle of a strong FB.  This is what happens.  What we do / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just try to suppose.  Your tic’s.  So-called “tic’s”… They might just be writing, thought, ideas.  Yes, they appear frequently.  They pop up a lot.  Repetitive.  Or childlike interest?  Show in certain points?  Certainty.  That’s what you can translate that as.  Subjective certainty is really the thing.  What can you be “certain” of – except how you subjectively feel?  That is certainty.  Different types of certainty.  When your back isn’t hurting, it feels good.  Skating.  Back injury.  Self-rehabbed back.  Maybe not the ultimate decision.  A lot of your decisions.  Just try to press on through.  Alive today.  As it would, as you would.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  The world.  Would the good people of the world be interested in this?  In your work?  Is that what you’ve set up?  With ID, especially?  Your latest effort?  What’s it about?  I don’t know.  At least, that’s my ultra-fictional philosophy.  Not meant to be taken literally, taken as fact.  Made up, in other words.  Not real, not true.  Have you written four books?  I already told you about Heliosophy.  Got no response.  Less inclined to keep telling.  As you were.  If you were.  Things.  Certain things.  You could be thinking about.  Why do you scan?  It’s just what people do – it’s part of life.  People visually scan, and also scan with their social radars, and memories.  People are ~always scanning.  It’s what people do.  You can’t escape being scanned.  If they were to know.  What you’ve been getting into.  I thought you ~wanted them to know.  You ~want.  You ~want people to read your books.  I thought that’s what a writer would ~want.  What you suppose / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  If this would have happened before.  Happenings forever.  Different, previous versions of DCB.  In previous worlds.  Doing something like this.  As difficult as that would be.  Not in ~any society, but instead, in ~this society.  Your actual real society.  How difficult it is.  How “hard”, in other words.  To write stuff like this.  It’s scary.  Scary times.  What you consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.

What we do.  What we suppose.  I was getting glare.  Different things, almost exactly like.  What you would consider.  If you were to.  Still writing.  Still, write..!  If you want to live this kind of life.  You’ll have to write.  It’s the only possibility.  What you consider.  What you suppose.  You’re definitely running out of non-tic material.  Definitely withdrawing to a realm of mostly tic’s.  I guess.  I see.  What you do, what you consider.  As that would go.  As you would consider / figure.  See some Fassbinder.  Learn some German.  As you would.  If you would.

As.  if.  If you would, as you could.  Writing?  Do you actually think that's possible?  To be a writer?  Writing is the hardest thing a human being can do.  Why do you want to do that?  If it would actually be ~easier to do something else?  Wouldn’t you “take it easy”?  I’m not sure I believe that.  I’m not sure I’m buying that.  That I could make things easier for myself by not writing.  I think things would be even ~harder, if that can be imagined.  What I consider.  How I suppose.  If, you, as.  Things.  Different things.  Just as exactly as that would happen.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  If you were going to ~write.  Really do it.  Not just think about it, not just talk about it.  If you were actually doing it.  What would that mean?  How far would you have to push yourself?  How far would you have to go?  To come?  Thousands of pages of journal?  UFP?  What was the ~point of all that?  Did it ~have a point?  Can it be known?  Supposed?  You trance out about the nice restaurant last night.  Is this the type of trance you get into?  Time for another trance?  Is that what you do?  Can anything be known?  Jordan becoming a writer, also?  What you were trained to do.  Write English papers for class?  Write philosophy?  Ultra-fictional philosophy?  I guess that’s what you’re into.  What you’re getting into.  For however long.  You would, you would consider.  Then.  It might seem.  It would seem that.  If you were to transcend your tic’s.  Somehow.  If that were possible.  You’ve gotten into the tic’s, so you can get out of them.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeking Life

 

 

Your technical achievement, your technical accomplishment.  The world.  What they’ve “built” / built.  Your little place in it.  Very little, currently.  Your apartment, small apartment.  I guess being a writer means being a ~poor writer.  So far.  Maybe not forever.  Maybe not always.  You could develop some interest.  People could get interested.  What you figure, what you consider.  If you, as you.  The CRR films.  Strange.  They’d get to see you, as you were.  That’s what you’ve given the people.  Feature 2, Clinica Schiz.  The Youtube collection.  A pretty good collection, you’ve turned people on to.  If anyone follows.  As closely as they would be following.  As good as they can scientifically do.  What you consider.  Scientifically.  What you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things I’ll like to read later.  Write things you’ll enjoy reading.  Is that the strategy?  I guess it is.  What Lucas will do, if we get famous.  Play people the tapes?  Possible.  A dark passage, in my life.  Their lives.  A passage we’d like to put behind us.  Disturbing and disturbed.  What you would figure.  “I want to major in psychology.”  “No, you shouldn’t do that.”  What ~should I do?  Isn’t that the question.  You’ve minimized your impact on the planet.  To a small Oakland apartment.  Not a very big accomplishment.  You get what you work for.  If you wanted to get a job, ever.  If you ever wanted to reverse your unemployment.  Then you might have to.  Take the sites down?  Recant the teachings?  Revoke responsibility for your work?  Deny any involvement with the work.  “Someone stole my identity.  I didn’t make those sites.”  Believable?  Maybe, in some alternate world.  It’s kind of thrilling, to realize I couldn’t get a job.  Even if I wanted one.  They’d look into my identity.  And what they’d find.  This is why I’m ~really trying to be a “writer”… It’s the only option available to me, anymore.  In this life.  If you haven’t worked for years.  How well do you expect to be doing, on disability?  How well does ~that go?  In the world.  The world, as it’s set up.  Technical accomplishment.  Of whatever level.  You’re not playing much of a part, in the technical accomplishment of society / world.  Unless.  You count ideas as accomplishments.  You’ve had a kind of unique ~idea.  What you’d figure.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  I guess I ~shouldn’t go inpatient.  I need to be on call for my website’s verification.  As the contact.  They’re going to try to verify my email address.  And if I’m locked up, I won’t be able to do that.  Maybe to achieve a constant online presence you need a constant offline presence.  Offline leads to online.  Online is meaningless?  Meaning less?  I think it’s meaning more every day.  We ~want the big tech companies to succeed.  Their success is our functionality.  If Kindle couldn’t sell books, we wouldn’t have Kindles.  In a way, it’s a good set up.  In a way, things are going well.  If you just look at the richest segment of the wealthiest nation on Earth.  I guess things ~would seem okay, then.  What you consider.  What you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Having done whatever.  Having written whatever.  It’s going to take some extreme content, to make an impact on the market.  Good that you’re talking / thinking about this.  What your business plan is.  I plan to give my work for free, until I develop notoriety, at which point, I can sell books.  Makes sense.  Seems to be a good plan.  What if you never get notoriety?  Then that will be the world’s judgment on my work.  Not important.

Placed yourself outside the norms.  The norms of behavior.  As a writer.  Is this what writers do?  Not usually.  ACHM, ANM material is not quite common.  Most material is ~part of the NM.  ~Is the NM.  So this is what I’ve done.  What I’m doing.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Would I like to get in touch with Gillian?  What would we have to say to each other?  Talk about olden days?  Our romance?  Sick, twisted, sad, tragic.  Like many things from the fuck-mouth-brain days.  Not much I can do about that now.  That was seemingly my choice.  Although I didn’t choose it.  I was forced.  I was conditioned, to never talk about it.  What kind of conditioning?  The Imperial Conditioning.  Supposedly unbreakable.  I tried the LSD therapy to break it.  LSD, “Primal” therapy.  Schizophrenia, ultimately.  Ultimately I went crazy.  Maybe it was my only choice.  My only way out of the fuck-mouth-brain.  If any other way would have worked.  I knew, a priori, that my efforts were invalid, nugatory.  The mouth told me that.  Any effort I made, all I’d have to do, is consider my mouth, and I had proof any effort was nugatory, invalid.  Nothing I did worked.  It was all a lie, a diversion/ distraction.  Nothing was key.  Nothing was elegant, practical, stylish, good.  All bad.  “It’s all bad.”  “How are you?”  A question I never was too interested in answering.  And now I’m here.  “Here.”  Wherever that is.  Whatever that’s about.  Not able to get a job.  Not able to “work”… In most companies, at least.  For most people.  Unless they’d be interested in my intelligence.  My articulation.  My ability to think these things clearly.  To keep a clear idea in mind.  Different trances you could be getting into.  Trances at the current moment. 

I felt like I wanted to be a writer.  It’s impossible to get published, writing normal things.  And I wasn’t normal.  I also had a kind of rebellious streak in me.  Willing to press buttons.  That not too many people press.  What you’d figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Seems to be failing.  Doesn’t seem to be “catching on”… Maybe I’m a failure.  What will people say about my work, when I’m gone?  Where am I going?  Nowhere, just yet.  Just now, I’m sticking around.  For a bit.  If people wanted to.  As people wanted to.  As they would suppose.  As you might suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things not looking very good, for me.  For my “project”… Aggregate Rationality.  Not viable?  I guess it’s a possibility I should face.  That nothing will ever happen for me.  I should at least contemplate this possibility.  Not pretty.  It wouldn’t be pretty.  May as well enter the mental health system.  Go for that kind of trip.  Just keep going on this trip.  It’s not crashing down, yet.  Not just yet.  Maybe later.  See how long you can push it.  See how much you can get out of this scene.  Don’t have to commit suicide just yet.  Not just yet.  What I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were to.  Sasona House.  Sober for over a year.  Don’t need rehab.  Not now.  Possibly later, if I start using again.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to continue my recovery.  I care about myself, my life, my body’s health.  I wouldn’t want to poison myself.  Not anymore.  Not lately.  What you’d consider.  How you’d figure.  I guess.  A possibility.  That my project will fail.  I don’t think so.  But I’m delusional.  Will people turn on to schizophrenic work?  Will it be able to compete, in the marketplace of ideas?  This is what I consider.  What I figure.  I guess – I don’t know – not really.  Can I compete, with sane writers?  Depends what you want to read about.  Someone having LSD flashbacks, to this day.  Up to this point.  Still, as we speak.  Some people might be interested in that. 

Maybe some trees will grow.  From the countless seeds that you scattered among the billions.  Peeps-world.  You gave free promotional seeds to the world.  To the peeps-world.  We’ll see.  What kind of effect that will have.  For you.  Maybe the sites ~are sufficient to give an Axis-Tone book page some clicks.  You’d need a lot of clicks.  Potentially.  To have people buy your book.  That would require a lot of purchasing power.  A lot of buzz.  If not that many people like you, they won’t take a risk on promoting your work.  You need to get more “likes”, more links-to-your-site.  Word-of-link is key.  And if you have deviant works?  That make it embarrassing to share your link?  That’s not good.  That’s a negative force on your potential popularity.  If people are embarrassed to share your link.  You have to write a ~respectable book.  A book you can ~stand behind.  I think.  I suppose. 

What you have going on.  If you were to.  As you were to.  I guess – I don’t know.  A unique kind of literary event.  There’s nothing “literary” about this.  I’m a very literal person.  What you’d consider.  Almost exactly how you’d suppose.  If you were to.  As you were to.  You like to write.  About what?  -- Don’t care so much.  Willing to write almost nonsensical sentences.  Just to pound on the keyboard.  Just to kill time until the next bright realization.  It’s okay to fill text with tic’s.  As long as you get down to business eventually.  It’s okay to tic.  That’s what I’m saying.  I’m also saying that perhaps the most valuable thing a writer can do is ~give us his tic’s.  Show us how he writes.  Instead of beclouding and shrouding in secrecy.  Bring it out into the open.  What you consider.  As you would.  If you could.  Different things.  Do you actually believe they’ll publish you?  That the buying public will buy into your philosophy?  I’m hoping.  I can only hope.  It’s what I’d do, what I’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  I’ve tried hard to write interesting things.  Maybe not hard enough.  Compared to Adorno?  Maybe I don’t stack up.  Compared to DeLillo?  But there are only a dozen or two DeLillo’s.  What if people want more than just that?  What if there’s a desire for more material?  We all can’t dream of writing on his level.  Most writers can’t even dream of it.  According to Lucas.  Who might become famous, as DCB’s teacher.  If he wants to be famous, or not.  As a writer, I think he does.  Because he’s a true writer.  He wants his stuff to be read.  That’s my analysis.  Of the situation.  I think he will dig the publicity. 

Because I believe it’s good.  I want to reach dreamwriting-level.  Like in some of my most memorable dreams.  What was I doing?  Writing.  Just a page or two.  Doesn’t have to be a book.  Just a page.  Of the key, the sick.  The true.  That’s all I really want.  We’ll see how often I achieve that.  For myself, for my readers.  Some readers might appreciate.

Points of life.  What we got.  We told you.  Showed.  If you were going to take a “group look” into this.  Like during a FB, the sense that you are sharing this experience with a group, reading.  The group look.  An illusion – but a potent one.  One perhaps useful for a writer.  Got into a pre-flashback tonight.  Didn’t turn into a flashback.  Late.  The med increase is helping.  It hasn’t solved the problem, but it’s been beneficial.  FB’s still at an unacceptable level.  What I consider.  How I figure.  If I were to.  As I were to.  What did you learn from tonight?  Get more out of each scene?  Not child’s play?  Mahler.  Like a movie, in that a symphony takes a vast amount of “dark arts” to come together.  Not like a movie in content.  But in the technical production aspect.  What it takes to make a symphony happen.  This is what you consider.  What you figure.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Looking into great music.  Eighty to a hundred acoustic instruments can provide a pretty subtle texture.  If you can actually hear it.  If you can actually listen.  Past the judgment.  To what’s actually happening.  To what could actually be happening.  As you get the quality.  As you begin to understand.  It’s a big time commitment.  I’m signed up for repetitive listenings.  Repetitive attention.  I want to see what familiarity with classical can bring.  I know about familiarity with The Mars Volta.  That takes some effort, also, because it’s so dense.  To get it up to memory level.  If you can do that with Mahler.  To be able to listen to it.  Past the judgment.  To what is actually happening.  If you’re able to understand.  As you’d be able to.  Also, inventing Mahler on your own.  In the imagination.  Seeing if your musical imagination is more Mars Volta, or more Mahler.  It’s an experiment.  No one can a priori say what should happen.  You have to play with it.  If you can listen, if you can hear.  I don’t think you always could.  Turned off by Lucas.  Well, such is life.  So you had decades’ diversion into popular music.  That was twenty years ago, he turned you off classical.  A lot of wasted motion, I suppose.  The trickery of popular music.  Music that tricks you into thinking it important, valuable.  When really, the skill level is usually not there.  The vision.  Not there.  Relatively speaking.  What you consider.  What you suppose.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  We could go to the symphony..!  If that’s what you want to do.  Listen in public.  The venues at which people listen to popular music.  The dirt, the slime.  The noise level.  Not really with a respect for tradition.  Why do you need to write symphonies?  You have barely even listened to any.  Time to educate yourself.  Time to try to make up for lost time.  If you’re that impressionable, where Lucas can say “Classical music?  No thanks..!”  And you listen to him for twenty years.  Very easily brainwashed.  That’s my analysis of your personality. 

How “much” you can write.  How often.  What you’re looking into.  The type of experience.  You would like to arrange for yourself, and others.  This is the type of experience – a writing experience.  What you figure.  Almost exactly how you’d consider.  It to go.  Fragments.  What’s wrong with fragmentation?  ~Listening to Mahler.  Actually hearing the quality of the music.  Listening past the judgment.  Listening past the prejudice.  Hard to do.  When you’ve been brainwashed by Lucas and others.  It’s hard to wake up from a brainwashing.  That’s what I consider.  What I figure.  Something it would be good to remember.  Maybe write it on Facebook.  Share with your friends.  If you value your friendships.  What about your “unknown friends” – your ~readers you have yet to find?  They are who you’re doing this for.  You’ve already exposed all these people to your self.  None of them seem to get it.  Well, Ida might get it.  The clinic.  The family may have an inkling.  But the “friends”?  They haven’t seemed to “get it” – to understand, what you’re all about.  Your brother would prefer not to understand.  But that’s okay – he’s your brother.  You have a lifelong connection.  You don’t need to be feeding him your books.  Would your parents like to read your books?  What if your parents were drug users?  Would this have worked out as nicely?  Lots of things wouldn’t have worked out this nicely.  What you’ve seemingly been able to do.  To consider.  As you’ve functioned with FB’s.  You seemed to function for a while there.  Maybe they got worse.  You started getting burned.  Five days in a row, for example.  That would be kind of intense.  It’s gotten a bit better.  Later in the day, lower intensity.  It’s still unacceptable, but it’s better.  I think.  As far as I can tell.  “Geez, exactly the same.”  The flashbacks are happening exactly the same.  Still pretty powerful, at times.  Need more Zyprexa.  What we consider.  What we need.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What I’d consider.  I have dual-phase schizophrenia.  I am being undermedicated.  My schizophrenia is not being treated at this med level.  That’s what I think.  What I’m going to tell them tomorrow.  I guess.  I could do a number of different things.

As you were to.  If you were to.  The body system.  Consciousness is of the body – not just the mind.  The body is conscious / aware.  Cognitive approaches would, a priori, be focused on the head.  Your whole body deals with tension and anxiety.  Not just your head.  What I consider.  Tic’s going through my mind.  As long as they don’t take over… I guess I’m okay.  My therapist seems to think it’s important that I go to Double Trouble.  Drug addiction is a big deal.  Anything to help with that.  To try to prevent a relapse.  I guess a meeting would be worth it, if it could help prevent a relapse.  What we figure, what we consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you do.  Write.  Dual Technique.  You can try an alternate method.  You don’t have to just read – you can write, also.  You don’t have to simply consume.  It becomes a matter.  A matter of “the course”.. What you figure, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not for sure.  I don’t know if I want to continue with psych rehab.  The groups are pretty low energy, pretty basic.  I ~can do it.  But do I want to?  Good question.  What else would you have to do?  Just exist.  Wander around my apartment.  Read and write.  If this is what I think is good for me.  Having written.  Having written radical things.  My only hope.  My only chance at getting published..  I don’t see an alternative.  Having written h/s/ns/id/coa… I don’t really see how any other body of work could come into play.  The body of work I’ve actually produced.  It all reminds me.  Vocal sounds – but not ~voices.  Just sounds that sound like they could be voices.  If I analyze them fully…  They’re just sounds.  What we consider, what we figure.  In the end.  Ultimately.  What about your previous attitude, that “all is g-d”?  Why the sadness, now?  Getting impatient?  This is what happens.  What has to happen.  Godfried fucking with me.  Sending me another malicious link.  You wonder.  It makes you wonder.  What you suppose.  “How do you explain sending me malicious links?  I’m curious to hear this..”  What I could say.  If I could consider.  Figure.  You might suppose.  You might consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we do, what we think.  Consume.  Different things you could be doing.  Contemplating.  If one were in your place.  Godfried knows the password to my wifi.  He could park in the lot outside, and hack into my system.  Is he that smart?  Hard to say.  He might be friends with someone who is that smart.  What you consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I seem to have some writing energy, here.  May as well make use of it.  A bit tired today.  Yawning, at least.  Whatever that means.  Didn’t sleep well?  You don’t usually have a problem with sleep.  Usually you sleep just fine.  Worries?  DT for anxiety?  So much anxiety that you wonder how you could even do DT?  Seems like that’s a problem.  What you deal with, living on your own.  Wherever you’d live, until you could gain independence.  This is what would happen.  How we have to consider.  No longer want to go inpatient.  Not interested in losing my websites, because they couldn’t reach me about the verification.  What I consider / figure.  Trances, you could get into.  Trancing about the verification process.  How that is possibly discriminatory against the mentally ill, who might have to spend time inpatient, and can’t always respond to emails.  What you consider.  What you figure.  I guess – I don’t know – not really.  Don’t want to pollute your mind.  Have to listen to something during your walks.  May as well bring on the quality.  It’s a ~qualitative issue.  And someone who hasn’t heard you play, couldn’t really understand why he said that.  You just don’t sound good enough.  Compared to.  Metheny, Yo-yo Ma, etc.  Jimi Hendrix.  I realize every musician can’t be tops.  But to compete in this market, you’d need to be approximating that level.  I don’t think you ever could approximate.  You weren’t there.  Didn’t make it.  Didn’t have it.

What ~exactly could be going on, behind your eyes.  It’s not so much your ~eyes they care about.  The point.  Rather.  Rather, for any thoughtful proto-totalitarian regime – it’s what’s going on behind your eyes.  Proto-fascist.  The current system?  Usually tripping?  The most depressive point in my life?  To see DCB walk right by me?  That’s a good sign, to hear that.  If a df could think you walking by and ignoring her is the most depressive point in her life.  Info.  You were prepared to reveal.  You go the extra mile.  Avenues of escape.  Your name.  Seems like real voices.  Your name is all over this place.  Like you’d want.  What you should be prepared to reveal.  Name, origin, major, number.  Four elements, you should be prepared to reveal.  Sometimes it seems more difficult.  Write an essay for me.  I don’t know how much you’ll be into me after you Genomes search my name.  You might decide like it’s a waste of time to get into something with a schizophrenic.  Low points.  What I could imagine.  How I could imagine helping people.  The people who are caring for you.  Like a point they would clearly be interested in.  Exactly.  The process in your brain.  She’s the one.  You’re looking to the mother ship, for help.  Certain types of help.  Everyone, all the time.  What people could be looking “into”.  Depends what you mean by “into”… I have a lot of input into these decisions.  What we figure.  Last time I saw you was a low-intensity.  This one is a high intensity.  Tripping.  “It”… Surely they have seen “it”… Some of these scans.  Guess.  The point.  What’s the point?  Of some of these dream-females, “df’s”?  You’d almost have to guess.  You’d almost have to take a chance.  Certainty is an uncomfortable topic.  Subjective certainty.  For points like this, could be uncomfortable.  Giving them direct access.  To this point?  Do you need to do that?  What do you figure / consider?  Don’t you want to meet a woman before you get famous?  Don’t you want to give a normal girl a chance at you?  When you’re famous, normal girls won’t have the same opportunity to get close to you.  You think.  It.  Here at the clinic.  It’s all over this place.  Here.  I’ve never been here this late.  What you figure.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things you could be thinking about.  The two best philosophers are Jews, so how could I… Be anti-Semitic?  This is what we consider.  How we figure.  If you were going to. 

Seems like no one should have to die for it.  Because of it.  Well, I’m not so sure – something that shameful.  What books would you have had to read, to do that?  Two copies of Gravity’s Rainbow?  Is that what’s on your shelf?  Book-learning?  Is that what it took?  For you to do these things?  I guess.  Some ~intensity.  “You won.”  What you were always dreaming of.  The technology.  The computers, music.  You ~dreamed of tech getting this good.  And here you are.  With TUY, serving content to the world.  What you’d figure.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d consider, what you’d suppose.  Different things.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we’d do.  As we’d contemplate.  As we’d discover.  Different things.  If you had amnesia, catastrophic data loss.  That would be bad.  Different things.  You should or should not prepare for.  You might want to know your options.  Which option you take.  Could determine.  Sophisticated cognition?  Going on in that brain?  For you to make it here?  Avenues of escape?  How long we had to wait for this?  “Weight”?  How long it took to “get here”?  I think that’s what you should consider.  If a woman’s most depressive point in her life, would be when you walked by her.  That would be a ~good sign.  A sign that you’re onto something.  You are the point.  You have to “guess” about which “her” is your point.  It’s a guessing game.  There is no certainty.  How could anyone be certain about this?  What you’re prepared to reveal.  At any point.  To almost anyone.  Your name.  Responsibility for your name.  David Christian Baird.  Having to answer to that name.  Do you have an answer all prepared?  People saying your name.  In places where they would, or wouldn’t, know my name?  What are you preparing for?  Wouldn’t you want to use the most ~intense filter possible – to filter women?  Wouldn’t you want to expose them to a ~savage selection process?  If you truly wanted the quality.?  To match your own quality?  Wouldn’t they need to know about your full name – the sooner the better?  To subject them?  To filter them?  I think it’s genius.  To have such a good filter in place.  Automatically, it seems to work.  It would seem to work.  If you used it.  A world-class filter.  A universal filter.  To subject women to the kind of selection process you have subjected ~yourself to.  It would seem.  It would begin.  It might begin to seem.  Like.  You should.  Not just go out with any slovenly bitch or perverted psycho girl.  It would seem.  Like you should have some standards, some selection.  I would just suppose.  I would just consider.

Only if you can hang with my identity, can you be selected.  I have a beautiful filter set up.  What you do.  If you ~were to write.  Philosophy?  I don’t think so.  More popular writing.  Ufp?  Maybe that.  Maybe that ~is the solution.  What you could be doing.  As you could be writing.  The struggle.  Capitalism.  Provides a ~killer pressure on your work.  The marketplace of ideas.  You have to make your ideas attractive.  How-to.  What are you teaching people how to do?  Diary?  Do they need your instruction on that?  Journal?  Ufp?  Maybe that.  Maybe that ~is the key.  For you.  What you’ve been able to figure.

I guess.  Work.  What else do you have – play?  ~Should you be “playing around” when you’re poor?  Shouldn’t you be writing something?  That’s what JoAnn asked you.  When are you going to write a book and get rich?  I guess.  I guess that’s the plan.  Eventual plan.  I don’t know how diary about it here today will help.  But I can only imagine.  Rob:  “Everything improves you.”  The Berg opera you’re listening to, the diary you’re writing.  It all adds up.  Especially to a project as general and open as ufp.  That’s what you have to realize.  It ~all can be grist for the mill.  Or however you’d say that.  Material.  I’m a material girl, in a material world.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  When it hits you – capitalism.  To change the system, you must succeed in the system.  Only a successful writer will change anything.  You have to become successful.  If you want to have any effect on the world.  It’s as hard as that.  As concrete as that.  To affect the world, you have to become known in the world.

You won.  The techne.  You get to look into points.  Your identity.  If you wouldn’t have known.  Your identity itself could be the thing.  The thing of potency – which you were “seeking” (meaning-seeking).  All that time.  You didn’t know.  You might have suspected.  What she’s looking for.  What she would be looking for.  In you.  Scanning deeply, to find you.  If she would find you.  Looking deeply into you.  Your eyes.  Trying to discern a soul in there, somewhere.  Maybe in the evening.  Maybe day-scanning, day-tripping, is not going to be the most profitable kind.  Maybe people are only ready for this in the evening.  When people get ready.  Late in the day.  Been up for a while, for a day.  And now we’re seeing exactly what we’re made of.  At times.  Like this.  Certain times.  For seeing.  Some of the time.  At least some of the times.  The point.  What your mother told you about the point.  What the point could be.  Could have been.  For at least some of these women.  Now that you know.  Now that you’ve realized, about your identity-filter.  Your identity-selector.  You didn’t exactly realize that, until just now.  You just have to tell them your name.  And they would get it all.  A name.  Could unlock.  Not necessarily for them, but for you.  Your name could unlock them.  Just your name.  What you’ve put into it.  How you consider.  How you suppose.  How you’d think.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you could have been looking into.  All this time.  The development of your identity could be both positive and negative.  Each thought happens for a positive reason.  “That’s a good philosophy.”  Just as you ~don’t want some people finding out.  You ~do want other people.  Ultimately, you want everyone.  Everyone to know, what they’ve been feeding into.  You’ve been enabled.  Allowed.  You’ve been allowed to use substances.  If it helps.  Ida seems to think Double Trouble is important.  You were using a lot of substances.  That you’ve only been able to get off of with a huge effort.  If Double Trouble meetings could help you.  They might be worth it.  If they help.  They could be helpful.  What you consider.  What you figure.

It’s as if.  Your system.  Your selection system.  What is happening.  To you.  As it would happen to you.  Mars Volta is about as dynamic as rock gets.  What you consider.  Try to sleep for an hour, temporarily give up.  Why torture yourself?  If you’re not actually sleepy?  “Sleepy”… What you have to contemplate.  What you have to consider.  I guess – I don’t know, I just suppose.  How you would create, how you would contemplate.  Certainty that I’ll die, one day.  Why hurry the issue?  If it’s going to happen anyway?  Why would you need to “jump the gun”?  You wouldn’t.  You don’t.  Wouldn’t you want to stick around, to see what you’ve “set up”?  To see the ~results of all your labors?  Things are just now getting underway.  Why would you give up now?  They can see everything.  Isn’t that ultimately what you want?  For everything to be known / knowable?  In your life?  Isn’t that what you “signed up for”?  In a sense?  Are you tripping?  “I have schizophrenia.  I go through strange phases.”  This is what I’d consider.  How I’d suppose.  I guess.  If I were to.  As I were to.  What’s happening.  What you could be doing.  Now, or, ever.  What “ever” you could be “doing”, (doing like it’s a drug).  A “drug” is something one is administered.  Endorphins aren’t “drugs”… They’re ~like drugs.  What you’d figure.  He gave me the choice.  I had it in my head.  Which option I was going to choose.  That’s a good analysis.  Tired, but not sleepy.  Tired of “it”, but not tired enough to fall asleep.  Not just yet.  Maybe later.  A bit.  May as well write a bit.

What you do.  Consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  If you had anything to prove, to the world.  Will they actually ~read h/s/ns/id/coa?  Isn’t that a kind of long shot?  But it’s the only shot I have.  Writer.  If I’m becoming a writer.  It would have to be of books I’ve actually written.  My name.  My books, my site.  What I’ve actually done.  If you were to figure.  As you were to figure.  It’s like life and death, (the rattle of my AC unit)… What we consider.  What we figure.  Deep scans.  She was scanning for ~you.  And she found you.  And you walked on by.  But you still have you.  Time to find a woman.  Time to hook up.  I guess.  It’s “the point”… At least some of the time.  People say that at least some of the time, the point is to hook up.  That’s what they say.  What I believe.  Sex, do I want “sex”?  Hard to say.  Intimacy.  You don’t have to suck or fuck.  You can snuggle and caress and kiss.  No fucking required, if that’s something you don’t want to do.  What we figure / consider.  What you would be into.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  Just as soon as you.  Just as much as you’ve. 

As it would.  As you would.  Different things.  As we learn German.  My shit didn’t smell good today.  That ~rarely happens.  That’s practically unheard of.  Is it because of the 35 of Zyprexa?  Making me a bit more tired, waking up this morning.  Almost like it used to be.  I didn’t used to pop into full consciousness, upon awakening.  There were stages.  Maybe I’m returning to previous levels of goodness.  I would say it was good before.  I wasn’t tortured by FB’s so much.  Not that I can remember.  I think they’ve gotten worse.  I guess I didn’t say that to the Ashwaganda study lady.  Maybe I didn’t realize it.  Sometimes, it takes a long time to realize certain things.  Picking your nose.  An activity you’ve been getting into.  You like to scratch your nose in public.  It feels good.  Different things.  You could consider / suppose.  What you eat.  Not the healthiest assortment of foodstuffs.  Maybe want to look into changing that.  Doing something about that.

Would you consider adding another medicine?  Instead of giving up on Zyprexa?  This is what I consider.  What I suppose.  Sensual.  To be into the feelings/sensations of your body.  This guy talks about Judaism so much that it triggered me to talk about it.  I can’t just listen to him rant about it week after week and not say anything myself.  This is what happens.  What you’d have to consider / figure.  If you were to, as you were to.  Tic’s getting pretty prominent, in my writing.  Front and center.  No denying it.  Scanning.  Eyes rolling.  What your eyes “seem to be doing”, during a FB.  Usually tripping.  Usually when someone looks like this, they’re tripping.  Are you tripping?  Not exactly.  I have schizophrenia.  I get into intense “conditions” every few days.  It might appear like I’m tripping.  To catch someone, at that point.  Where they’re tripping so hard, they could almost fall over.  They can barely walk straight.  To catch me.  At that point.  “Point”, the point, what people say, have said.  It all seems to go together.  What you were “doing with your eyes.”  Why were you rolling your eyes to the highest possible points?  Looking to get as high as possible?  Why were you doing that, with your eyes?  Is that what it seems like?  Walking around, in a condition like this?  Subjective certainty.  Can they be certain?  By looking in your eyes?  It’s not about “eyes”, it’s about ~minds.  What you figure.  As you’d consider.  If you are the chosen one.  Chosen by god, to convey this message.  What message are you on?  What would you say your philosophy is about?  Are these books you’ve written, or that you plan to write?  Different things.  As you might figure.  I have a blog and a website.  What you’d figure.  What you’d consider.  Getting closer to telling her, outright.  Writers are secretive creatures.  Some writers.  I guess if you were writing boring, dry, normal things, you wouldn’t care who knew..  But.  If you were writing ~revolutionary things.  Then.  I would imagine.  I would suppose.  As it were to.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Why do you keep repeating those lines?  They’re “tic’s”, it’s a compulsion / obsession.  I have no control over it. 


 

 

The Instrument of the Matrix

 

 

What women would be known to say.  As you walked by.  What women would actually say.  Voices bother me.  Scanning.  I guess it’s what people do.  If they really believed they found me, wouldn’t they just say “David Christian Baird”?  If they were to really find me, and wanted to talk to me?  Isn’t that what would happen?  Until that happens… They must not have really found you.  Why put off the inevitable? 

What you do – what you consider.  If you could speak like Deleuze, if you had that kind of articulation-endurance, maybe you’d come up with possibilities of endless monologue.  As is, no.  As is the case, you can’t.  Does it hurt your writing – your inability to speak?  That would have been the assumption when young.  I’m not so sure about now.  Watching a great, Deleuze, talk about things is very inspiring.  It tunes me in to the possibilities of my ~own voice, what ~I could be doing on the page.  That I’m not doing.  I guess.  If things would have gone differently.  What about Composite?  Do you think they’re looking on?  Why would ~anyone want to look into your life?  Because of the revolutionality?  The power of transgression?  What you’ve apparently written / done?  Maybe.  I guess it’s possible.  They could be watching now.  I don’t think they’d care to.  Not very interesting.  A lot more interesting things in the world.  But.  If I “won” – if I became the chosen one… Then they ~might be interested.  Just because of my ~identity.  Not necessarily content of media creation.  The content is not that key.  It’s more the total effect of who I’ve become, my supposed “identity”.  Do you have an identity?  What is your identity?  What people can discover online?  Or even in the real world?  What could they discover?  Certain books.  Certain films and musics.  Freely available.  Maybe the free aspect is important.  Plenty of people are offering stuff for sale.  I think it’s rarer to just be giving it all away.  Film as a keyword.  What you’ve chosen.  Theory is another.  Your choices.  They’re only charging me two cents per click.  Pretty good deal… For a “click”?  That’s awesome.  Each click could be a key click.  Each click ~is a key click.  What you’d figure.  As you’d consider.  Different lifememories, coming back to you, on 35.  Maybe Zyprexa Olanzipine is that key..  Maybe it can literally change your life.  If you get on the right dosage.  I have to get home.  This is a high intensity.  I seem to keep having these.  It seems to be a repetitive point, for me.  Writing, all the time.  Classes?  Is that like what this is?  A “class”?  I guess.  I guess I’m learning, the whole time.  The door.  Different aspects to groups.  Talking about Judaism.  Triggered to, by Ron.  What you’d consider.  Different things.  As long as you keep going.  Could die at any time.  Hopefully won’t.  Probabilities…  You ~probably will live a bit longer.  And your parents will ~probably survive.  It’s statistics.  If you constantly fear that the most improbable things will happen, you will be wracked with anxiety and fear, paranoia and delusion.  You at least have to go with statistics.  What will probably happen, or not happen.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  You could consider, you could contemplate.  I don’t want to see you done in.  I don’t have to live here ~forever.  Just long enough for my income to change.  To begin to achieve an income.  If that’s possible.  If that will happen.

I was going to say “It’s difficult to read Adorno in German,” but now I’ll say “It can be difficult to read him in ~English.”  What we consider.  As we’d figure.  Different things. 

Child of god?  Wouldn’t ~everyone feel that way, all the time?  If they do, why don’t they admit it?  People thinking they ~are god.  Maybe they have a share in god’s consciousness.  Maybe only a god can be conscious.  But people can be conscious.  Maybe people have a share in god.  Although I doubt it.  God is transcendent.  God has no need to exist in this realm.  But god may be into it.  For entertainment, experience, life value.  God may have made the world to live in it.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  People who think they understand consciousness are all the more deluded.  It’s rarer to find a philosopher who admits he doesn’t understand.  How could you “understand” consciousness?  You have to be delusional.  Godfried is “dick” or “cock”… A change in terminology.  You shouldn’t be reinforcing the behavior of dicks.  Dick behavior should not be what you reward, in life.  You don’t like social activities.  Waiting to get picked up is particularly uncomfortable.  Better avoid.  Better to avoid.  What we consider, what we suppose.  Now that you’ve learned (again).  One big “lesson”… Life is made of lots of small lessons.  “You have a lot to learn.”  “Thanks.”  I hope so.  I hope I’m not at some sort of limit.  Deleuze is still talking.  He’s been talking for over an hour.  I can only dream of such articulation.  Maybe I don’t have the mind for it, either.  Not the jaw, not the mind.  I write pretty predictable things.  Pretty small number of obsessively-repeated themes.  Not much variation, not much variety.  You could question whether any of my works are not complete failures.  What we do, what we consider.

What we do, what we consider.  Awareness tripping can lead to consciousness tripping.  I had the Yoga, the union, but I was missing the Nidra, the sleep.  I was awareness tripping, without remaining still.  I should have known.  The falling Primals taught me, so long ago.  Stillness is a Primal phenomenon.  What we do.  Filters, to select the best possible woman for your girlfriend.  Only the best possible will be able to withstand the selection pressure of my work.  That’s my theory.  I didn’t always know it would happen.  Not this way, at least.  I guess if you do multiple things, one of them might work, eventually.  Trancing.  You can trance at any point, be still at any point midway between two movements.  You can do Yoga Nidra in micro-intervals.  You don’t have to do a half hour.  What we consider.  As we suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Noises which should alert/alarm you, or not, as the case may be.  If you suppose.  If you consider.  What you’ve written.  Could tell FB about it.  Have chosen not to.  Up ‘till now.  Have chosen to be ~indirect.  Maybe direct one day.  Maybe that’s how that will go, one day.  Maybe I’ll want to tell my friends.  About ID, for example.  Seems too revealing.  To tell on Facebook.  To face the book I’ve written.  Unnecessary, also.  It’s already on a worldwide hit website.  No need to tell a few people and alienate your FB friends, if you don’t need to.  Do only what you need to do.  I guess.  I suppose.  If you consider, if you suppose.

Access like this, you don’t have to talk about.  Either you have it, or you don’t.  Deep access, to the frequencies’ level.  To where the voices would be coming from.  If you had voices.  Interested in access like that.  I was interested.  Didn’t always know I’d make it.  By depressing psychosis, an increased dose of Zyprexa stimulates psychic energy.  By fighting psychotic numbness, it enhances your ability to feel.  This is what happens.  If you had access like this.  Or if you wanted to kill yourself, a few minutes ago.  What’s that a sign of?  Alien thought?  Hard to say.  If it’s what I really want.  Why would I want that?  I want to ~live.  For a long time.  I want ~success.  Not suicide.  So I guess it is OCD-type.  It’s not just depression.  What we’re trying to tease out.  It’s your life, you’re living it, only you can really say what it’s like.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Thanks for keeping us informed of how it’s going for you.

What you do, what you consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  What kind of access do you have?  Voices you could speak in.  Thirty-nine years old.  Old enough to have spoken in some strange voices.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Telling people about your work.  What your work has accomplished.  If it doesn’t organically explode, you’re out of luck.  You’re kind of gambling on it.  Banking on it.  All your eggs in one basket, the writing basket.  And why not?  Why not do the best, although hardest, possible thing?  If writing were simply the hardest thing, there would be no point.  However, if it’s also the ~best thing, then there’s reason.  Reason to do it.  Like in your dreams.  You were interested in writing dreams.  Very interested.  Can carry over to waking life.  Dream Telos.  We would like life to become like a dream.  We would like to feel good.  Maybe to think differently, you have to talk differently.  Different things.  In your apartment, internal – then hearing noise from the hallway, external.  The perspective shift.  When you realize your one door off a hallway, with lots of other apartments.  We’re all sharing this space.  What you consider, what you figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Listen to the Deutsch (German) Kittler repetitively.  Maybe you have to, in order to learn it.  Maybe it’s going to take some repetition.  Louisa liking, or not liking, your new approach to Yoga Nidra.  No longer needing other people’s recordings.  Material for consciousness to focus on.  You can focus on whatever you want.  The breathing, the rotation of awareness, the stillness, are what’s key.  If you can do that, the audio track can really be anything.  It doesn’t have to be a guiding voice.  It doesn’t have to be systematic.  This is what I consider, what I figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I could be doing anything.  You figure.  If we were to.  As we were to.

What we do, what we consider.  Different things.  Memorizing all your tic’s.  Being able to write a long sequence of tic’s.  That’s my goal.  For some reason.  I like to write.  I don’t care what I’m writing, so much.  Of course, it would be nicer to write great stuff.  Not always possible.  What you consider, what you figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Two days of the increased dosage.  I did notice a slight improvement.  Richer inner life.  More access to conscious levels.  Colorfulness, less blank numbness.  So I guess the med change was worth it.  Even if it doesn’t fully fix my problem.  What we consider.  What we figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How you’d expect.  How you’d survive.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Depending on what you have going on.  It would seem.  It would be a case of.  “Are you familiar with my case?”  “No.”  Janov doesn’t cover my case.  He can’t take care of schizophrenics.  This is what we do.  He’s conservative, in other words.  The establishment won’t like ID.  Not very much, I don’t think.  I don’t think they’ll be too happy about it.  Maybe that was its point.  Worldwide revolution, from the “bottom” on up.  More concerned with the poor people.  Not as concerned with pleasing the rich people.  That’s not my priority.  I have different priorities.

What you’d almost have to be giving access to.  To reach a level like this. 

“That”… What kind of triggering that would take.  Seems like there’d have to be a lot of triggers, for a nuclear event.  Or – a nuclear family.  What we consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you could have going on.  If you were to become a writer.  Of transgressive texts.  Works, books.  Whatever you’d like to call them.  Tell the friends.  Tell them you’ve been misbehaving.  What we’d consider.  How we’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  It made me feel a bit weird.  To be there with five gay guys.  What you’d consider, what you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  I gave a mini-lead.  That was an accomplishment.  For me.  Twenty minutes isn’t really that long.  You should be able to talk for hours.  If one were on your quality level.  Gifted and talented level. 

What you do, what you consider.  Important things to write?  At this point?  After what I’ve done?  I don’t know.  Seems like I’ve maxed out, on the literary output.  Like I’ve done just about all I can do.  Or all I’d want to do.  Unless I want to keep writing.  Unless I think I have more to say.  Why give up?  Why stop?  No matter how slow the going is, the accumulation..  You can do more.  You ~do do more.  It’s your life.  What you’ve learned to like to do.  Writers are people who write.  It’s what you do.  What else ~is there?  What else could you spend your lifetime on?  If it becomes.  Not helping Doug.  Not hanging out with the fellows.  Not down for that.  For the fools’ talk.  The foolishness.  Dicks.  Can’t be down, don’t wanna be down.  Different things, I have going on.  Godfried’s computer doings.  Mischief.  Maybe harmless enough.  Fucking with me.  I guess it’s up to me.  What we consider.  What we do.  We could, we could manage.  We could appear.

What you do, what you consider.  Dreams.  Sexual dreams.  What could be better?  Writing dreams.  If you can write.  Like you are now.  Isn’t that the ultimate – more so than programmed, animalistic behavior?  I guess.  This is key.  This is ultimate.  What else would you rather be doing?  You’re “there”..  Finally – where you always wanted to be.  You were good, except for the mouth-brain.  So now, when you have a tongue.  “Have fun with it.”  Be the person you always wanted to be.  As they were considering.  If they were considering.  Having read Exquisite Clinical. 

Nietzsche’s advice, to not read books.  That ties in to DT.  What you can do.  If you were to write.  As you were to write.  And not chat.  Chat is invalid.  It is reducing yourself to inane comments, which people cannot see your identity in.  At least the Undernet channel.  Other channels may be different.  The Authors’ Lounge.  Where you were allowed to do anything.  Maybe it’s different on IRC, because they can’t TOS people.  They have to police the channels.  There has to be some rules.  Trolls are too dangerous, too distasteful, to let run amok.  This is what happens.  I guess.  I could be doing almost anything, but I’m doing this.  What is the point?  Of my life?  “The point”, said to be sex.  Thought to be sex.  Are you fucking with people’s point?  Do you fuck with the system – or simply tweak it, enhance it?  Real people.  Reading some of these things.  Not imaginary people.  You’ve provided real text for real people.  Almost as if.  It’s almost as if, you wouldn’t want people following you here.  If you could arrange something to happen.  To real people.  Tiresome?  Tired of this kind of attention?  Into everything you’ve ever done?  Is that what you wrote about?  Every significant thing that ever happened to you?  What do you consider / suppose?  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

Isn’t that what you want to do – write?  When we come right down to it?  What all the “chat” was about?  What you’d be able to ~write?  I think so.  I think it’s your dream.  To be able to say anything you can dream of.  The guidelines are like an intelligence test.  They have to have guidelines, being on IRC, for the trolls.  There has to be some objective standard for how they can keep the channel decent.  What do you consider?  What do you suppose?  Different things.  “I wish I heard voices”…  They’re capable of any level of narrative complexity that you are capable of imagining.  What we consider.  As we were to.  If we were to.  What you’ve been “online” about.  What “type” of thinker are you trying to become?  Your identity.  “You probably think I’m a schizo.”  “I have schizophrenia.”  What we’d understand.  If we were to, as we were to.  What you ~really think about.  To me, Adorno in German is said to be a voice from god.  It’s who I’m tuning in to.  I could tell you to reach my books, but why not tell you to write better books I could read myself?  You’re in the writing phase, it seems.  What you discover, what you suppose.  Losing focus.  Then regaining it.  You’ve heard of Heidegger, I’m sure.  “Yes, the existential phenomenologists at Duquesne are very into him.”  “Adorno would be their enemy.”  He’s very negative, one of his big books is called “Negative Dialectics.”  Nietzsche called Kant a “fatal spider” of philosophy.  Different things.  You could be tuning in to.  If you were to.  As you were to.

Certain interpretations of certain events.  It can’t be all bad, can it?  If it all seems one way.  If it’s all bad.  If the conditions, under which you were prepared to live… Conditions.  Scanning for..?  A scanning is the problem, a scanning is the solution… What you could be scanning for?  Why do people scan?  The Pittsburgh interpretation.  All one way.  All bad.  All these words are “bad words”… It can’t all be bad, can it?  What were you thinking of interpreting?  What points?  For a schizophrenic waste of attention?  Is that all schizophrenic attention does?  Wastes?  Is that’s all that’s happening, in your head?  What’s going on, behind those eyes?  How could that feel?  How ~must that feel?  To be on, all the time?  On?  Up?  Bad words.  I’m on in Pittsburgh.  All the time.  “All” the time – make it for “all time”… Is that one of the helpful phrases?  How helpful could these things have been?  Things?  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things, “D-signed”, David-signed, to get you through.  As you would want to open your eyes.  Or close your eyes.  ECT.  A bad interpretation of schizophrenia.  He can’t help you.  Janov can’t help.  Your “Primal Theory” has to be A-Janovian.  He can’t help you.  If he ever did “help”…  Help prepare you to do LSD?  Help convince you to be a drug addict?  Bending the gates of repression?  Breaking open the gates?  Nuclear event?  For you, or the people caring for you?  Seems to be good for exactly one thing.  To alert.  To potential errors.  Problems.  Seems to have alerted.  To the possibility.  Of how bad it could get.  “Get”… If your eyes were closed to it.  “It”… If you’d “close your eyes to it”… Meditate with your eyes open?  Stressing.  I usually like to close my eyes.  Usually, someone would be tripping.  To have this kind of intensity.  Would usually be a sign of tripping.  You could be tripping so hard, you’re almost falling over.  Things are almost falling on you.  “On you.”  For you to do.  As your responsibility.  What you could be writing “about”… Why you’d want to write.  In exactly this condition.  In this condition.  That you get “into”, at various times.  For as long as you live here.  On this Earth.  What if I told you, this would last as long as you live here?  On Earth?  Or, this-earth… Would you have to change the Earth?  How hard can that be?  To do that?  How “hard” would that be?  To “do” that.  To do “that”?  “To” do that.  What are you “doing”?  As you live here?  If you live here?  If this lasts as long as you live, here?  On this Earth.  What if I told you this would last the rest of your life..?  I guess you’d have to deal with it.  Deal “with-it”.. “Deal” with “it”.. Different interpretations.  Of what you could be subjectively doing.  Subjective interpretation.  Knowledge of the sun…  Seems.  To be what I have recommended.  “Recommended”?  Why do all your words seem to be in quotations?  Key.  Key terms.  Footholds, for thinking to get a hold of.  Different.  I don’t have to compete with Adorno, thank god.  He wrote his books.  I write mine.  What you consider.  Exactly.  What you’d be considering.  Why you’d want to “write” here.  What that would mean, for you..  Certain explosions of interest.  Attention-seeking.  Behavior, I don’t know what that means.  What could “it” mean..?  I don’t know what “it” means…

Things you could be looking “into”… Do you owe these things?  To what do we owe this pleasure?  “The pleasures of thinking are not to be recommended.”  You seem to be into writing.  What writing has done for you…  “For” you?  The schizophrenic nature?  Your positive statement – the origin must have been schizophrenic?  For something to come out of nothing?  Reason for optimism?  Things you could have been looking “into”, all this time?  For all time?  Is this for all time?  What you consider… What you figure.  They’re ultra-competitive.  What we’re trying to “do”…  Under which conditions?  These conditions?  Seem?  Appearances can be deceiving.  One-point or many-point interpretation?  What is the interpretations?  Of certain events?  “Certain” events..?  Are you “certain”?  What do you seem to have been “certain about”?  What sort of voices could you be hearing?  Into hearing...?  If you were looking “into” things like this.  Looking to owe for this.  For all time?  How long would you owe for?  How long has it “been”?  What it “seems-like”, at certain points.  It seems-like you ~should be here, writing.  It all makes sense, sometimes.  At certain times, it can begin to make sense.  Make sense – construct sensation.  What you’ve been instructed to construct.  Things you might construct.  Things you might instruct.  Lessons.  Could have been developing for a long time..?  How long would “this”-take?  If you were to suppose.  If you still don’t like it.  What “this” could be “doing to you”… You “think” that it’s effective.  Believing this is true, leads to behavior as if it’s actually true.  If you are suffering from life, you should stay alive.  I don’t think I’m “suffering” – there is a certain pattern of behavior…  You seem to know.  You have insight.  With all your supposed intelligence, why can’t you apply your brain to survival?  Be around people who understand your problem.  No use falsifying your reality around a group of ignorant people.  I was fascinated with the form.  I would say that is “addict” behavior – smoking medicine. 

Some of your magic.  If you claim to be god.  To have been god.  To feel like god would ah, feel.  Ah, god, would feel.  Epiphenomenal, a dream-ride?  What would there be to worry about?  Free will, the ability to change your fate?  I find it hard to believe, any way you put it.  Odd.  The circulatory system and its ontogeny.  Strange.  To program you to write a better book?  Better?  More of a bet-to-her?  Is that how you were interpreting?  All the time?  Always?  What you’d always want to look into?  To have looked into?  As to.  What points.  You could have been looking into.  If you thought you felt how ah, god, might feel?  Is that really how you felt?  Claimed to feel?  To want to feel?  Feelings are the most important things?  Nothing is sacred in this house?  Life is all an experiment?  Based here.  Based on.  What is this philosophy based on?  Based.  Free basing?  I didn’t know he was so phobic.  Maybe it’s why he hasn’t been to the dentist in fifteen years.  What you consider.  Could consider.  “Could”, I suppose, means “If you wanted to.”  Want?  One?  Won?  Different things.  I could have been considering.  As.  As I write.  What’s “going on”?  Behind those eyes?  Eyes?  Selves?  Didn’t you wonder?  Weren’t you curious?  Reminds me.  Everything seems to remind me.  Reprogram my mind.  Seems like a lot of programming / processing.  Do I have SI?  No, not really.  Don’t want to die.  Not just yet.  Maybe one day.  In the far future.  Why not let other people see this?  We need to practice, we need to write.  It is simply too valuable, too key, not to do regularly… What if they aren’t LSD flashbacks?  What if they’re psychotic symptoms?  Your treatment seems to need to change.  “Treatment”… When did you write this stuff?  At what points were you writing?  Points… One-point versus many-points theory.  What kind of theory?  A-Janovian Primal Theory.  Why A-Janovian.?  I literally don’t agree with him.  With his analysis.  I think I need a different analysis.  Have certain voices.  Always going on.  If she’s enjoying herself.  Scanning for.  How.  How could you “like-this”?  How could you play “like-this”?  How do you do that?  Same old questions... Recurrent questions.  Seems like there’d be a lot of triggering.  For an event like this.  Events.  What is the event?  What is “going on”?  Ongoing?  Is that what I didn’t want to answer?  Never really wanted to answer?  Then why are you writing?  If you’re doing drugs, you prob won’t be able to cope with work.  Better no job.  We all get a bit of loss.  I guess I might have already known this.  Should have already known?  Fools?  For looking this closely into?  How closely?  As closely as possible?  God wants to be a normal person.  That’s why I can feel that I am god.  That this is what god would want.  Of course, you’re not going to be free, if you’re tongue-tied.  I need therapy.  I’ve been in some pretty uncomfortable places.  Can I ask for help?  Isn’t that what would have ultimately done the trick?  I couldn’t do it.  Nothing but anti-psychotic medicine ever did anything.  Seems like.  As closely as you could have been looking into schizophrenic philosophy?  Why would anyone want to look into this?  A face only a mother could love?  Tripping face?  Face book?  Face the book you’ve written?  What type of book?  What type of philosophy is that?  Negative Dialectics.  He’s really negative, about most previous dominant philosophies.  Different things.  “Things”…  What you could have been “looking into”…  They say she’s a sociopath… This is what you’ve always wanted… A girl that smart, that creative, that alive.  Tacked.  Uncomfortable moments.  People will read this, and know what you’re thinking?  I suppose we are all slightly delusional… I suppose we all have issues of control.  I guess we all try to do some stuff.  I had a realization – I do not like sex.  It is work, servicing.  Fake, false.  She ditched me, for her other friends.  I like being alone.  Revalue yourself.  The body, the soma.  Some of the times.  No reason to seek out thrills like sex or drugs.  If Godfried can hack into your network.  Not good.  Not always good.  Maybe look into changing your wifi password.  If that’s possible.  To change one of these passwords…  I gave my password to someone I no longer trust.  Can I get a new router?  This is what happens.  What you’d figure.  How you’d suppose.  Different things.  I guess.  I would guess… I would “guess”… You have to “guess”, sometimes, what the “point” is.  “The point.”  The place is the point?  The place is called “the point”?  Who would call something that?  Someplace that?  If a place were called that?  Different things.  You could have known, long ago.  Seems like to know this.  This stuff.  Some of this stuff.  You’d have had to.  To what?  What is the completion of that thought?  Are you not completing your thoughts?  Seem to be forgetful?  Seem to be forgetting?  ECT?  The Pittsburgh Interpretation?  Is ECT part of that?  What part does self-ECT play?  In your play?  As you were “playing”?  Seems like you’re giving yourself a type of ECT.  The eyes, the electricity in the hands.  The twitching hands.  Is that what writing is?  Twitching hands?  Is this all that really happens, or is meant to happen?  I guess this is it, life.  This is about what happens.  Approximately?  “Approximately what happens”..?  In a place like this?  Here?  Where “are you”?  “Where” are you?  Can it be known, where you are?  Where you have been?  What you have written about?  Bethel?  We all make an attempt.  There is no alternative.  Maybe you need a new choice.  Maybe you need someone who’s into the Negative Dialectic.  The abuse, verbal abuse, neurosis.  What you consider.  As you would consider.  Staying up later than you originally forecasted.  Writing.  Letting you stay up.  Writing seems to help.  “Help”…  What is this “good for”?  A tic, or communication to the self?  Do you have friends?  What do you do, what do you come across?  Xmas, the birth of Christ.  This is what we do, what we gravitate around.  I guess I do a lot of stuff.  There’s a lot of stuff to think about.  What you could be considering.  The keys.  You could have given people.  To your experience.  Certain “key” descriptions.  Vocalized.  Nonverbal.  Pre-verbal level.  Is there a pre-verbal level?  To consciousness?  What were you writing about?  “About”…?  Seems to be a lot of quotes.  Distributed freely, online.  Seems like to.  To seek attention.  Ah, tension, like this?  Is this what you have been looking for?  Looking “for”?  Why do you “look”?  What do you look like?  What would that look like?  To be exactly here?  A different Mother.  Mother Earth.  As long as you’re here.  What people may know.  May or may not.  Anonymous, for years.  What you’ve looked into.  Baeka, the perl god.  Does it need to happen – thousands of pages.  Geez, looks bad.  Drugs, info, more drugs.  This is what we do.  What you’d be considering.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Something bad must be happening.  You’re here.  All bad?  It can’t all be bad.  One way?  It can’t all be one way.  There are lots of “ways”…  The way, the Tao.  What seems to be happening.  People living or dying.  Around, all around.  Bad ending?  Life is positive.  You will have lived a life.  Sounds like fun?  To process this much?  To analyze this much?  Fake interpretations, fake analysis.  Schizophrenic analysis..?  What would that be all about?


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Tripping?

 

 

What you do.  Waking up, in the springtime of your energy.  To reach for a book, at this point, seems to me a shame.  Bad flashback last night.  But it “made sense”…  It seemed rational.  And I discovered that I can deal with it by writing.  Didn’t always know that.  Can write until I’m tired of writing.  Don’t have to just lie down and take it.  Can stay up for a bit, and write.  What I consider, what I figure.  I guess, I don’t know.  Could your tic’s have something to do with it?  Too loopy, in your brain.  Looping your brain into insanity?  Somehow, I doubt it.  Insanity seems to need more than just loops.  Otherwise, anyone could loop himself into hearing voices.  When really, voices are for the select few.  I wanted to hear voices, as a child.  I yearned for it.  I scanned the frequencies, but never found any voices.  What exactly is the problem, during a FB?  Hard to say.  Intensity.  Split.  Breakdown.  But I don’t “break down”…  I integrate it.  Janov can’t help.  He can’t help.  If you think he ever did.  Hard to say, what would have happened without Lucas and Janov.  DeLillo and Pynchon.  Hard to say exactly ~what would have become of me.  Probably not as good of an outcome.  I would expect.  I would consider.  Do the voices know ~everything about you?  Because they come from your own mind?  Is that how that works?  What do you figure?  What do you consider?  Bad words.  Bad interpretations.  If it seems all one way, go to the DEC.  All bad.  What you might figure / consider.  If you were to call Resolve.  What they would do.  Hard to say.  If they saw you in that state.  Hard to say what they would do.. 

What you’d consider.  Rolling your eyes all over the room.  Rolling around.  Why exactly anyone would do that.  What you’d think.  As you’d arrive at your parents’..  If that were, as that were.  A case of.  For your eyes / selves.  What are your selves doing?  Exactly?  Is it hard to pretend you don’t think you’re God?  The source/channel?  What would that be like?  What would it be like?  If God had full access/control?  Then.  You might wonder.  You might suppose. 

You were just DCB.  Ideal.  Then.  Why the “fuckmouth”?  Why would you have so much difficulty – being God?  Rather, source/channel?  Why would it be hard?  Can you imagine that?  Believe it?  I guess.  I don’t know.  This is how I write.  I could be doing more structured stuff.  But I choose to do this.  This is how it goes.

You're asking a difficult question.  What we consider.  This "naturally" involves some repetition.  Life.  Nature, Mother Earth.  DNA, RNA.  Things that “repeat”… Music.  You always admire music that’s out there, digital.  That will be repeated forever after.  It begins.  To seem.  The DRM on books movies and music – how long will it last?  People have pirate ways of subverting it.  But they’re a small minority. 

This is what we could consider.  What we could figure.  As we were to.  Correcting for this.  Corrections officers in your future?  What is this “about”?  Seems like.  If they knew.  Would make it easier.  Giving two people ultimate control over your life and death.  You didn’t always know you’d be looking into that.  This long.  How long would this take?  You?  “You” – a bad word.  In your system.  All words become “bad words”.  Potentially triggers.  Seems like for a ~nuclear event.  Would take a lot of preparation and triggering.  To “explode” like that.  What you’ve been thinking of, looking into.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you would consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Different things.  I’m not ~better than other philosophy – just ~different.  I realize that.  I have schizophrenia.  Different things, we could have been telling people.  The whole time.  Years.  Seems like, looking into The Surface of Psychology, Life – seems like you knew this stuff years ago.  You already had it going on.  I don’t know how much “progress” you’ve made.  Better writer?  Possibly.  But I was already pretty good.  How good do you need to get?  I guess, for the world theatre, you could get infinitely good.  There’s no limit to how good you’d want to get.  “Good”?  What does that mean?  Expressive of potentialities?  What are you expressing?  Your potential as what?  Or heteropotentiality.  However you’d pronounce it.  What’s going on, what’s happening.  To you, as you.  Looking closely “into” these points.  Rolling your eyes.  Visual ecstasy?  Is that “recommended”?  What have you been “recommending” that people look into? 

ECT?  DT?  I guess.  I’m not sure.  I don’t really know.  I just keep on trucking.  Keep on writing.  With the hope, that some of this, will turn out well.  My hope.  I guess you ~never can be “certain”, about some things.  You wouldn’t ~want to be certain?  Certainly you want to publish.  We can be sure of that.  Do you know what that would mean?  To publish h/s/ns/id/coa?  Any of those books?  Are you “ready”?  Would you tell your parents, then?  What you had been up to?

What a certain amount of repetition.  Is good for.  What you’d figure.  Almost exactly.  As it would go.  What have you been doing?  All this time?  What is it all “about”?  Or, about.  Different things.  You could be alerting people.  For the coming storm (hopefully).  Hopefully there will be some sound.  As your sites explode all over the world / interweb.  If that’s what you’re “seeking”… Are you “seeking attention”?  Seems like it, with your Genome advertising campaign.  Worldwide.  As you would figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you’d have to think.  As you’d have to consider.  Seemingly.  Information / trivia about your brother?  Posted to his IMDB page?  I don’t know how much he’d appreciate that.  I don’t know what I could tell people.  Any trivial details.  All the details don’t seem trivial.  Dog lover?  Musician?  What you could tell them.  Brother has schizophrenia.  However that goes.  How bad that would get.  Known.  As crazy as you are.  What if I told you this would last as long as you live?  I guess I’d have to deal with it.  In a sense.  I’d have no choice.  If this was going to be lifelong.  Then.  I would have no choice.  What seems to be the case.  What could be the case.  For “everyone”, all the time.  As people could be looking into.  Certain people.  Certain connections you’ve made between narrative elements.  Connections which allow you to completely integrate your narrative.  Bad interpretations?  On Janov’s reading, all other interpretations are bad.  Janov is good for neurotics.  He can’t help psychosis.  He has claimed to, in the past.  Heterosexual neurotics are perfect for Janov’s theory.  If you’re not heterosexual, good luck.  You’re naturally doing it wrong.  Inverted – opposite of how it’s supposed to be.  The Pittsburgh interpretation.  What this place subjected you to.  As you would be subjective.  Subjectively.  Usually tripping.  When someone looks like this.  Would the police be interested?  What you figure / consider.  As you might suppose.

Bad.  What you could “ask for help” for.  I guess.  I suppose.  You could go chat.  It seems to fill a need.  That writing into a static document does not.  What we consider.  Heliosophy.  Knowledge of the sun.  The Son?  Is that who you pretend to be?  I’ll need to see some of your magic, if you’re god.  Different things.  What you could imagine, what you could suppose.  I would guess.  I wouldn’t know.  Not really.  They might call me crazy, for looking so closely, into certain points.  Closing my eyes.  Keeping my eyes closed, while this sort of thing is “happening”… How could you close your eyes?  It’s all I want to do.  I’m getting fed up.  Enough is enough.  I’ve about reached my tolerance level.  About “there”, where I always expected to be?  What did you ~expect life to be?  Can that be known, talked about, considered?  What do you think should happen with you?  Will the Law have an opinion?  Do you care?  What happens to you?  In a sense.  In the sense that my future self will care what’s happening to it, and I am temporally connected to that future self.  Maybe I care too much.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.  I’ve tuned in too closely.  To certain voices.  How certain people might react, if I were to kill myself.  Not much they can do for me.  I am beyond help.  Isn’t that a warning sign?  Shouldn’t you count that as being warned / alerted?  When it all seems bad?  If it all seems one way.  Call Resolve.  What you might consider.  How you might figure.  If you have hope.  Or are you pretty hopeless.  Would you actually kill yourself?  No – but I’d think about it.  Would you go and put a plastic bag on your head?  No, but I’d entertain the thought.  Is there a probability you’d kill yourself?  Not probable, but attractive.  What we consider.  How we figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Isn’t this what you wanted – to be writing?  What seems to be the problem?  The recurrent conditions.  Looking forward to the next condition?  Is it a flash forward?  To having to deal with more of this?  Is that why they’re so uncomfortable?  Not simply because of ~them, but instead because of what they mean for your future.  Your future full of flashbacks.  Which have been happening a long time.  We can’t promise we’ll make them go away.  They seem to make sense.  Given.  Given what I’ve done.  The drugs, the writing.  Seems to play a part.  How you’ve connected it all, into one narrative weave.  I would think.  If you had connected everything together.  Then.  Disturbances.  Errors introduced, or errors created.  Might connect to everything else.  You seem to have learned some bad words.  How to use some bad words. 

What I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don't know -- I just suppose.  Things that could be happening.  To me.  As I live my life.  Different things.  You'd have to consider.  Almost, exactly like.  It's almost exactly like.  I just want to write a bit.  Doesn't have to be Shakespeare.  Can simply be a note journal to myself, about what is happening, in my life, at the current moment.  Different things.  You'd figure.  You'd almost have to consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.

You seem to be looking for a certain amount of confirmation, from the things around you -- looking into them.  What it would seem like.  What it ~could seem like.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Flashback?  The ride back seemed so much nicer, not in a flashback.  I guess it ~was nicer, ultimately.  But then now.  It hits me again.  What if I have these for the rest of my life?  I guess that would be my lot.  My place.  If you were to consider.  As you were to consider.  I guess -- I don't know -- I just suppose.  What I could be "looking at"... As in, "looking at time"..  What kind of "time" I could be looking at.  For having done what I did.  What did I do?  How bad did it get?  They're ultra-competitive.  They're seeking world-class achievement.  It's really what anyone trying to be a writer would have to seek.  Unless you didn't know about the market, the world.  In which case, you could delude yourself as to the amount of competition out there.  But if you have an idea.  Of what the world could be looking at.  DeLillo, Adorno, etc.  And so on.  In such and such.  As such and such.  Things they already have to read. 

What you were going to do, to consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  Tic’s.  Is this really your message for the world?  Develop the most advanced tic’s?  If you want to be a writer?  This is what I do, what I consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  Things, you keep repeating.  “Yeah – but can you play ~drums?”  “Drums?”  This is what happened.  As you would consider, as you would figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would happen.  This is what you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  Things you could have been considering, the whole time.  A certain brother.  Keeping him in the dark.  Sometimes it’s good to ~close your eyes – sometimes it’s good to keep them ~open.  What you could be telling yourself.  If you wanted to trip, but weren’t allowed to take drugs.  Then.  I would think.  Flashbacks could be valuable additions to your daily routine.  If you, as you.  As you might consider.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  What do you write?  As a writer?  What “type” of writer are you?  Is that a proper question?  Maybe you’re the type who easily gives up, when editing, and published unedited crap.  Or – you’re the type who wanted to give the reader a glimpse into the source code – a writer’s source journals code.  UFP.  That’s what it’s all about.  As real as possible.  This isn’t necessarily a “rough draft” – some of the tic’s are ~highly developed.  You’ve been working on them for a long time.

Write -- you can ~write, not "speak"... Many writers can't "speak" (totalitarianism).  This is what you're doing.  Giving freedom, with–UY, 251.  Freedom for the hopefully free.  But probably not actually free.  As that would go.  Should I share the books?  Falling?  Was falling good for me, ultimately?  Or is “flying” a bit better?  Easier on the system.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Developing my tic’s.  If I can’t speak.  At least I can write.  At least we have that much going for us.  UFP.  My grail, my project.  To write ultra-fictional philosophy.  That is really what I want to do.  I can’t be a normal philosopher.  I can’t speak.  Only for five minutes.  I could say a lot in five minutes.  Depending which five minutes you were to choose.  What we do, consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose. 

What you were going to pretend to be hungry for.  Walking into the kitchen.  Why would you pretend?  What's really going on here?  Seems to be a cognitive issue.  Are they getting better?  Maybe a bit.  Maybe a bit easier to deal with.  A lot of intrusional SI.  Obsessional fantasy.  Of ending it all.  Would I really do that?  I don't think I would.  But I'd ~want to.  I guess that's a psychiatric problem.  Like a psychiatric problem, for certain doctors to try to solve.  What you could be considering.  Who could be looking in, as you write.  Godfried, in the parking lot, with his laptop, and a program a hacker friend gave him.  Except I'm not sure he has hacker friends.  Or he would do that.  Paranoia.  Different things.  Almost certainty.  You shouldn't let those guys into your apartment.  If they come knocking, and say that have to use the bathroom, you can tell them to go to Chief's.  Different things.  As you might consider.  If you might consider.  I guess.  I don't know -- I just suppose.

What you could have going on.  As you look into these points.  As you continue to look into.  I guess.  I don't know -- I just suppose.  It's what you do.  What you'd have to do.  Almost.  You'd almost have to.  Have that going on.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Consider.

I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What I’d figure, how I’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Who is that?  What was that?  What did you write?  Is it worth asking, some of these questions.?  Not exactly obvious.  Not clear-cut.  Different things, that could be going on.  The family friends, finding out.  “Finding out about.”  Anatole knowing.  Him telling people, or not telling people.  How you would phrase that.  To him.  How he would phrase it.  Knowing what he knows.  Different things.  You could suppose.  You could consider.

What you would be “reading for” – for, or against.  Seems to have something to do.  With a special sort of fixation.  On one point.  One versus many points?  Is that the ultimate analysis?  What does this feel like?  To be reading / writing.  What is “reading” – is it a ~writing?  You’re “writing your eyes.”  That’s what could be happening.  For you.  To you.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Get into a point like this again.  Again today, after yesterday’s… Seems like a lot of processing, I have to do.  To survive this stuff.  What you could be considering.  As you would consider.  As you would suppose.  Different things.  We could have going on.  “Here.”  If you’re “here”, or ~there.  Where you always wanted to be.  You always thought it would be nice, to be “there”… Really nice, in some cases.  “I’m an alien.”  Certain levels of fixation.  Certain points you could be fixated on.  “The doctors told us to leave you that way.”  Is that what you were considering?  Figuring out?  As it would happen, as you would happen?  Is this the kind of thing?  The type of thing?  “Type” – writing.  What “type” of writing do you do?  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  Like philosophy, but it doesn’t claim to be real / true.  What would that be like?  “That”… What would it be like.  “It”… To be “it” for a world.  The only, or the most.  What you’re positive you’ve developed.  Positive about the voices.  Seems to be.  Like real people’s voices.  The noise cancelling earphones are a big help.  Sitting out in the waiting room… What about the voices?  What do ~they have to say?  About it?  Seems like you’d want to focus on them.  If they were going to happen, I guess you could hear them, even if you weren’t focusing.  They overpower music, or whatever’s happening.  This is what you think about.  How you consider / exists / subsist.  Don’t have to do this ~forever.  Just until I get my book deal.  However fantastic that might seem.  Seem.  What this “seems like”… A case of.

Some of the points you could be reading for.  Writing for.  Certain points?  How crazy would that seem?  If you were reading for certain events?  Certain events, in the life / development of a Schizophrenic.  If you were ~reading for..  Writing for?  Is this what you’ve been writing about?  How crazy that might seem?  To take Zyprexa PRN?  Maybe not so crazy an idea.  There might be some sense to it.  As you’ve been told.  Told to take your medicine.  Are you taking it exactly as we’re saying you should take it?  Anti-psychotic, instead of sleeping pill.  Anti-psychotic medication, could be taken when you are starting to feel psychotic… What you could be certain of feeling.?  Certain points?  The eye-rolling?  How were your eyes rolling?  Taking chances, with your lives?  A certain chance?  I think one could be beginning.  Why you might take a chance, on taking medicine at a different time.  “Different” time.  When you start to feel different.  What could be helpful?  How could that help?  What would we be helping you to achieve?  Achievements, different types of.  The “type”, the writing form.  The “form” of the writing.  The form it might have taken, at various points.  In the past.  How this could seem?  If you were scanning for?  Always?  If you would always be doing something, what could its meaning be?  If you were always scanning..?  I seem to be able to detect right when it begins.  As it is beginning.  Beginnings?  Like a book you read once?  You may have tried to read it twice.  At two separate occasions.  What’s the occasion?  Why are you bringing her here for?  Why-for?  What is the purpose?  Does your achievement have a purpose?  To not go crazy.  If that was your purpose…  Could it always have been said to be your purpose?  Always?  All the people, all the time?  Was that your purpose?  To go this crazy?  To feel this stable?  What would that be a code word for?  Do you need to use coded language – slave language – with yourself?  Why could you need codes for dealing with yourself?  If it wasn’t just ~your “self” you were dealing with… How many selves?  Is that like the question?  Certain questions, at certain times?  Certain amounts of failure?  Wouldn’t failure of that type, be something people would be interested in, no matter what the amount?  Type?  What is the “type” of your failure?  Ability to withstand.  Dialectical transformation, diametric therapy.  Descriptive treatment, developmental testing.  Dual technique, discourse topics.  Determinate translation, dynamic tolerance.  Dream telos, dysphoria transcendence.  Different talking, discovery tales, disguised thought.  Decide today, Deprivation torture.  What are you depriving yourself of?  Gamma, beta, alpha?  Why type of control are you going for?  Could you have noticed.  Somewhat harder to remember things.  A cognitive problem, a verbal problem.  A problem with expression.  “Anything on the way to expression is good.”  Like some of the points.  You could have been giving a nice, long, slow, shared look into.  Like your failures?  A certain amount of failure?  That that could remind you of?  Being reminded of…  Is that what a flashback is good for?  “Good for”… In there, and so forth.  Tic’s, you could have been developing.  Or adopting in the development of.  You weren’t the developer.  You weren’t always the developer.  Some of these developments.  That you could be trying to remember, the point of.  What would be “the” point?  Is that what you could be “trying” to remember?  Are you trying, or are you actually doing it?  Are you actually remembering certain things?  A certain type of memory.  What “type” of memory?  For you, or the people taking care of you?  I would characterize that as a “certain type”… That’s just my code word, for it.  It’s nice to relax.  Code – I thought you didn’t need code language, a slave language.  What would you be a slave to?  Conditions?  “The” condition?  You could be into?  Getting into?  By now?  This point in the program… What program were you setting up?  Is this like some of the questions..?  Or are these the actual questions – not simply “like” the questions.  They are the actual questions.  The reality.  Real voices…  Seem real when they happen..  I’ve said there’s a certain amount of reality to my “intrusive thoughts”… They are indistinguishable from voices.  As they happen.  If you could relax.  Learn to relax.  It’s like you’ve forgotten how to relax.  How could you bring someone up, to notice this level of detail?  If you weren’t going to notice this level of detail, unless you had a certain amount of help..?  What details were you looking into noticing?  All the colorfulness / detail.  Why would you be noticing more details?  A certain amount of imagination might be necessary.  A problem of the imagination?  Like they could have been looking into?  Getting help for?  What you could be reminded of?  Re-mind – create your mind again?  Is that what you were trying to do?  Or did you actually do it?  Were you just trying, or did you “just do it”?  What you could have been reminding people of.  At certain times.  How this must have looked.  If this were beginning?  Or continuing – is this continual, in your imagination?  What type of things were you continually imagining?  Types of imagination for?  What were you using this type of imagination for?  “For”… Readings “for” or “against”… Warnings about how to use these lights.  How to respond to the lights.  What some of it could seem to be about.  How that could help you.  How thinking that might have provided some comfort, for a sufferer.  Thinking that everything is determined.  What you’d want to be reminded of, if it happened to you.  As it would happen.  It’s notoriously difficult to describe a trip, even as it’s happening.  Some of the key terms.  You might be looking into.  Repeating.  Some of the repetition.  What that could be all about.  What you’re afraid of?  People?  Looking into?  Could you be said to be, thought to be, or actually are?  If this is what you were thinking about / doing.  What could sell?  Cell?  What certain cells are for?  Brain cells?  Brain sells?  Is that what you were thinking about?  Or were you actually doing it?  What were you actually doing?  Thinking of?  You don’t like certain answers, to certain questions?  Why don’t you like your answer?  What is your “answer”..?  “I don’t know.”  I’ve never tried it before.  This is the first time I’m trying it.  To do it.  “It”… What were you trying to do?  As you might try to write, instead of lying down, and taking it.  Like it’s medicinal.  Could be medicine.  For a certain treatment, for a certain condition..?  Of poverty?  If you were God, what kind of property would you own?  “How delightful it is that we forget…”  Dances man over everything.  Instead of lying down.  You could be into writing.  Looking to a certain amount of help, from writing.  Why writing might be better than lying down.  Instead’s..  In its stead..  As that would go.  How does it go?  How is that?  Crazy?  To be scanning so highly?  Your own eyes, for an answer to this question?  Is it visual – or is it really cognitive-verbal?  Is it not really visual?  The nature of your problem…  What could be some of the nature of it?  What could you be looking into doing?  At least some of the times?  Trying to last through.  Power on through.  What you were afraid of..  Looking in these eyes.  Into these eyes.  Selves.  How could that seem?  How crazy might that seem?  Would that ~necessarily seem crazy?  If you could learn to relax?  It sometimes seems.  Like I could have forgotten how to relax.  If I ever did know. 

What you might suppose.  As you were supposing it.  As that would happen.  How you could be “brought up”… Capitalism?  Not as it applies to me.  Socialism, as it applies to me.  Confusion about what kind of system?  Baird system?  What could this be about?  If you were to look exactly into it?  As it would happen.  This is what happens.  As it would happen.  What sequence did that happen in?  As you might imagine.  Asking for help.  A certain amount of help.  Help-for-what?  What are we helping here?  What exactly is happening here?  Can that be known / shown.  System, as Thorsand would have pronounced it.  Or actually did pronounce it.  What you’d figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  I just suppose.  My method for avoiding writer’s block.  Ticking.  Using verbal tic’s.  Verbal pressure?  As you were trying to imagine some of the pressure, certain people must have been under / applying?  To keep a certain brother’s eyes closed?  And another brother’s eyes open?  Is that what you’ve been “looking into”?  I guess.  Trying to imagine.  How.  How is that possible?  ~Is it possible?  What would you suppose?  What would you consider? 

What you were “looking into” doing, just now, chatting.  Seems to provide a certain perspective shift.  Good to get into, then get out of.  Back to writing -- ~real language.  Real life activity.  Chat is a sort of fake activity.  Stimulation.  What you could be stimulating yourself to do.  How into it they were looking.  As they seemed to be looking exactly at what your eyes were doing.  Scientifically.  As close as you can get (someone else)… That’s how close they seemed to be looking.  “Into” my eyes.  As if they would owe my eyes something.  What they’ve created.  On Earth.  Mother Earth.  What Mother Earth has created.  Seemingly.  It would seem.  If you were going to look into points.  “Points”, of time and space?  Is this a “point”?  Is there one point here, or many points?  How many points to an essay?  An essay is something with a point to it.  The point would be to fix your problem.  The point would have been to somehow convince you to ask for help.  That’s what seemed to be the point.  Why you would buy into a “one point” theory like Lucas’s, Janov’s.  If you strongly believed there was only one point to anything you did or could be said to think or think about.  Lose focus for a moment.  What are you focusing on?  I should have been watching more closely.  He was like a little kid about to come downstairs at Christmas.  What are you not focusing on?  That you ~could be focusing on?  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were varying your focus.  Holding your eyes a little out of focus, as you write this.  It seems to be more enjoyable to be out of focus, intentionally.  You wouldn’t want that involuntarily.  But if you intentionally do it, it feels good.  The type of clarity you’ve “gone in for”… That you’re “good for”… Maybe it’s made them a bit easier, to deal with.

What you do.  Sensations, too much detail and colorfulness.  Today, it isn’t about cognition, or even affect.  It’s pure sensation.  Maybe this is progress.  Really deciding what’s wrong with you.  “I want to kill myself.”  Hopeless.  About life. 

As it would happen.  You'd almost have to.  If you were to, if you were going to.  I like to do “it” sitting up.  This is how that would go.  If you were trying to create a new world.  Exploding heads?  (Penises having orgasms or simply pissing?)  This is what you'd have to look at.  If you were going to consider.  If you were going to try.  To make a new world.  Would take source insanity.  If you were going to look at your own custom source.  Not an “original” world – but a highly derivative one.  You're not the source.  You've just looked most carefully into the source.  Not the NM's source, but the ~actual source.

As you would.  As it were.  What you have going on.  What you could be considering.  If you wanted to.  Your father's tic's.  He knows.  He must have missed something.  As you look in the mirror.  Double reflection – mirror and eyes.  What you do.  Like you would have had to have the code.  The code to this.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don't know – I just suppose.

As you figure.  If you ~were going to be a writer.  What that would mean.  The truth is stranger than fiction.  I didn't always believe that.  And what is the truth?  Isn't Shakespeare the truth?  At this point?  With him having written all that, and all that being out there – fixed, immutable, eternally composed?  This is what we figure.  How we consider.  I guess – I don't know – I just figure.

This is how it would go.  Almost exactly.  Looked most carefully into “the point”?  Is that why “you’re in a unique kind of trouble”?  Now that you’ve ~rationalized it.  Now you know what the craziness is for… The source.  Source code for the creation of a new world.  Like what you were going to supposedly do.  As it were to go.  If you were to do it.  Write while watching Fassbinder.  As that would go.  Why you’ve never done this.  Before.  I guess.  As you were to.  If you were to. 

As you were to.  If you were to.  You didn’t always know writing would be so helpful.  “Als Kind”, (as a child), would have been nice to know.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Punished for what’s in your journals?  That could have been a cry for help.  To write journal.  What didn’t you want them finding out?  Painful, to write, at first.  For Lucas.  It was a hard beginning.  Primal pain.  What he was talking about.  Love, struggle for love.  Neurosis, repression.  Things I thought applied to me.  To my case.  I guess if I felt they applied, they must have applied.  No longer.  I don’t need to read Janov, after all the Janov I’ve read.  I have him in my memory.  The theory.  I don’t need more cases of his theory.  On his interpretation, all other therapies are bad.  All analysis is neurotic intellectualization.  Only Janovian Primal Theory is correct.  I guess that would be nice to believe – that you had found the One Truth.  Reassuring.  To think you knew the truth.  I guess it was.  It must have helped me.  I ~did ask for help, eventually.  It eventually happened.  In my own way.  St. Albans.  A good place for me.  A ~key place.  Hard to imagine things going any differently.  That would be hard to imagine.  Tragedy multiplied endlessly.  Possibly, if things would have gone differently.  This is what I figure, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  Want a bigger apartment?  Want a nicer computer?  Things you might have to “work for”… Things that might not be simply given to you, outright.  You figure.  If you consider.  Then.  Then I would imagine.  As I would imagine / suppose.  I guess, I don’t know.  The closer I come to suicidal ideation, the farther I am from actual suicide.  I use the SI to measure how disturbed / unwell I am.  The SI is not for convincing me to kill myself.  It’s merely a ~measure.  That’s what I figure, how I suppose.  Words accumulating so slowly.

What you could be doing.  What you could be coming across.  I guess.  Different things.  May as well order Boundary 2, instead of taking cash out for waste.  May as well order something valuable.  This is how it goes, how I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things, I could be doing.  How ~detailed and ~colorful it looks, outside.  Exactly.  How exactly it looks.  Different things.  Maybe the med change ~is working.  Give it some time.  These FB’s have been happening for a long time.  It might take some time for them to subside, even if you’re on the proper meds.  What you do.  What you consider.  Time to write..!  This is the best.  You get to do it, you get to be.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  You could consider.

What you do.  As you’d consider.  Relax.  Thank you.  This is what happens.  What we consider.  If you were to look that “far” into it.  Into your own source.  Maybe I looked most carefully at tripping brains.  I was the one.  I tripped the hardest.  LSD.  I would love to do that drug again.  Probably not a good idea.  “Never again, never again,” I would say ten times to myself.. Maybe listen to what you said.  How horrible it is to be tripping, and have no way out.  Like a flashback.  You’re trapped.  Tortured.  What you consider.  As you would figure.  The total insanity.  That would be required for the creation of a new world.  What you did.  What you appeared to do.  As that would happen.  As you would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just suppose.  Things.  You might consider.  “I trust you, but not your flash drive.  You said you wanted to be a hacker.  Which means you would know how to put malware on that.”  This is what happens.  What we’d consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  What we’d figure / consider.  I need to get an income, I need to sell some books.  That is the main goal.  Fuck the revolution.  Unless I get an income, the revolution might have to take backseat.  If the world won’t take care of me.  What you’d have to consider.  For this kind of situation. 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Earth Pop

 

 

I don’t know what the Yoga Nidra does to me.  Falling?  Stressful?  Could I be stressing myself, to remain still?  But I got some good lifememories, today’s session.  That is a key sign.  Even if I have a bit of a head tension at the end.  ECT – electricity is literally convulsing your body, during Yoga Nidra – impulses that you allow to arise and subside, without moving your body.  It is a discipline.  It is a practice.  It is ~natural ECT – the electricity simply arises from your own natural bodily tensions and conditions.  Not applied with electrodes, but inner-sourced.  That’s what I’m thinking.  Making you aware of the everyday tensions, the normal tensions, for instance in your head, when writing.  You do a lot of tension tripping that you’re not even aware of.  Maybe to ~become aware, is the goal of Yoga Nidra.  It’s an analysis, of the reasons / causes you usually have for responding to movement / tension.  Once the analysis is complete, I think you’re better off.  You’re more aware of what is going on in your head / body.  And you can relax better.  Simply because you are aware of the tensions, instead of blindly reacting to them, like normal.  It’s not a case of it being pure pleasure.  Yoga Nidra may involve some ~discomfort.  If it only caused pleasure, I think everyone would be doing it, all the time.  But as awareness, and a discipline, involving tension and relaxation, it is only for the select.  I think the total ~relaxation of my own style of Yoga Nidra is beneficial.  Following a guiding voice didn’t ~really let the mind rest.  The mind was involved in following instructions.  Now, with the German for example, I don’t have to follow.  I can focus more of my energy on relaxing.  This is what I consider, this is what I suppose.  Disguised Thought?  Really thinking about sex?  No, I don’t think so.  It’s not ~really what I’m thinking about.  God is a systems thinker.  A lover of natural beauty.  Do you think ~the systems thinker would be so concerned with your life?  Hard to say.  That’s how it seemed.  But then, with FB’s, I’m not so sure.  Who would want this?  Who would be groovy about this?  Who would want this “happening”?  I don’t know.  It might be my lot.  Just as in the Christian story, God abandons Christ.  You might be abandoned, in a certain respect.  What you consider.  How you figure / suppose.

As it would happen.  Would rather write, than chat.  The chat teaches you focus on writing.  If you can write by yourself, though, you should.  No philosophical realizations or breakthroughs are going to happen in chat.  Just small talk.  What you have eventually realized.  The channel isn’t “bad”, but it is for a ~specific purpose.  To get you to focus on your ~own language.  What you consider.  How you suppose.  Different things.  In there.  And so forth.  What seems to happen.  How you seem to create.  What you could be doing.  Philosophy.  Ultra-fictional philosophy, to be more precise.  What is fictional about it?  It doesn’t claim to be true.  I have no idea how the mind works, how god works, where the world came from.  It would be wrong of me to claim that I do know any of these things.  Maybe I am one of few to realize that.   Would I do it all again?  Would I live my life again?  I guess I don’t have to make that choice, because it’s impossible.  I will say I learned about beauty.  I gave myself “porn therapy”, and now hardly need it at all.  I think it’s better to go ~without sex.  I didn’t always know that.  I didn’t always realize.  I guess I do now.  After lots of “sexual experience”… Enough, I suppose.  In life.  In one’s life, maybe you ~need “sexual experience”… Maybe it is built-in, programmed, “natural”… So, when you’ve had enough, you can leave it behind, and pursue more ~sublime meaningful things.  Orgasms are not meaningful (unless they are).  Obsession, compulsion.  It’s easy to say now I don’t need porn.  But then, I seemed to want it very badly.  This is what happens.  What you consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

I don’t know – not really.  I just suppose.  Suicide / death becoming attractive.  Death is the ultimate… You don’t have to ~live anymore..!  What could be better?  It’s foolish to hope for an afterlife.  It is the most foolish hope of all.  Death is what we ~really want..!  We want not to have to live and suffer anymore..  This is what I’m thinking.  I guess you would suppose.  You would figure.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  God is dead..  God was alive?  Would even god want to die?  Or would God want to see what could be made of life?  And your SI is a psychiatric problem.  Not normal, not healthy.  You’re warped / perverse.  To think about dying and death.  Well, at least you don’t have to be afraid of anything.  Even death doesn’t scare you now.. Nonexistence is even more mysterious and tantalizing than existence..!  Anyone can know existence – but what bliss to feel ~nothingness..!  This is what happens.  What I’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As you’d do.  As you’d consider.  What we do, what we consider.  What you’re thinking about.  Psych rehab.  Not into it.  Don’t want to expose myself to the ignorance of peers and counsellors.  Not what I need.  Yes, ignorance is bliss.  But that’s ~my ignorance.  Other people’s is annoying.  What I’d suppose.  As I’d consider.  I guess.  Repressing my own dreams.  This morning, upon awakening, I repressed dreammemories.  Is that why today has been so hard?  If you refuse the fruits of your own imagination?  You will suffer.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we think.  If you read, scan, live, primal, roll, and trip, with your eyes.  Not to mention, ~write.  Writing is the highest form.  Of course you’ll suffer without it..!

What we realize.  The “black” philosophers.  A splinter in the eye is the best magnifying glass.  People are spellbound, without exception.  This is what happens.  Music dark enough.  The Mars Volta.  Seems dark enough.  Like, the darkest.  Adorno liked Mahler.  He didn’t have much option.  There was no Mars Volta.  He had to listen to what was available.  Classical is too positive, at times.  For me, sometimes.  I like negativity, darkness.  Like when we die, a fade to blackness.  What seems to happen.  What we supposedly are up for.  Obsessive thoughts of Arvind.  Him not being happy about Viva hanging out.  Violence, drugs, abuse.  David would never lay a finger on Viva.  Different things.  What are you doing with my twenty-one-year-old sister?  What I was doing.  As I would imagine.  As I would consider.  What I do.  Chat might be dark enough, for me.  Then again, the journal is the darkest.  Go for the darkest medium.  If you have a choice, if you have an option.  Maybe, maybe get more loopy.  Maybe the repetition, maybe the repetition, that a flashback shows you, is somehow key.  Key.  Maybe the repetition.  Maybe that is one of the “messages” of a FB.  What does it all seem to be “about”?  Bad words, or good words?  DT?  All good words.  I don’t believe in bad words.  No word is a bad word.  They all have their uses.  They are all necessary.  Different chances you didn’t take.  Different opportunities for love.  If you had been scanning for it.  Presumably you’d have found some.  Scanning.  If you’re scanning for love.  For the possibility of love.  “People just want to be loved.”  A darker message.  Aloneness.  Alone tripping.  The alone trip.  Yes, somewhat risky.  No one to help you, to help you move.  To help with anything.  You won.  You get to live here in an Oakland apartment, and spend the weekends in Mt. Lebanon.  What we consider.  You won.  X world.  If this is the world’s nth repetition.  Then it would seem.  Then it would seem.  Like.  A lot of the concerns were really hype.  A lot of the events were really relatively meaningless.  This is the only Earth going now.  God focuses on one world at a time.  This is the only one.  God wants absolute focus.  True focus.  To see what kind of things he can set up.  What kind of situation.  This is what I figure.  What I consider.  SECT, self ECT.  That’s what Yoga Nidra is.  You’re accepting and integrating electric impulses to move, instead of reacting to them by moving.  It’s SECT.  I think it’s therapeutic.  You just have your breath, and your eyes.  That’s all you’re in control of.  Different voices, you could be responding to.  What you could consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose. 

Writing – what you figure, what you consider.  I guess.  Having successfully slept through another night – that should feel good.  You should be thankful you don’t have to try to fall asleep until tonight, after a whole day of life.  Genome advertising campaign.  Obsessions.  Reality.  The reality of people visiting your sites.  The actuality of anyone actually promoting.  Different things.  As you could consider.  My gamble, my “bet to her”… What I’m doing.  What I’m writing.  In which world.  As you would figure, as you could consider.  I guess.  How many people know about X world theory?  Maybe some.  It’s not general, though, yet.  This is what we would consider.  To make X world theory generally known.  Publically known.  I don’t know how “easy” that’s going to be.  How “easy” it was to write your works.  I guess it was difficult.  But you ~wrote them.  You did it.  Don’t need to do it again.  A gift for the world.  Or, a bunch of gifts.  The world gives to me – why shouldn’t I give back?  Although it would be nice to be given a substantial income.  I guess that’s every writer’s dream.  Lucas included.  What you could do for him.  How he might like attention.  Different things.  As you were to.  If you were to.  As it would go.  As you would consider / figure.  You’re getting pretty deep into the tic’s.  Why is this?  What are you doing, what are you writing?  Different things.  You could be supposing.  As it would go, as it would happen.  Full of good humor.  “Ed is Welsh.”  Different things you could find humorous.  As you were to.  Entering the philosophy chat room.  What those folks have to say.  Or don’t have to say, as the case may be.  What you consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  The conceptions we have of consciousness.  Go with a topic in mind.  If you have no topic, don’t go.  Material versus ideal?  For ideas?  Wouldn’t you have to understand what consciousness is?  To know what an idea is?  Maybe some think they can understand consciousness.  Not me.  I can make hazards, guesses.  That is about it.  My journal.  What I do in my journal.  Where I am allowed to write anything.  The one spot, where it is safe to write anything.  It would seem.  That here, you should be free.  As free as you know how to be.  If this was the stakes.  These were the stakes.  Then it would seem.

That might seem a little crazy.  To have that level of attention brought to anything you’d do.  A schizophrenic level?  Two people at once, looking into things?  Afraid of people looking into “things” – your mouth..?  Is that what it was about?  What it could be about?  Your mouth, verbal cognitive expression.  Seem to have a certain type of problem.  “Certain” type… What type is that?  Do they come in types?  How you would like to imagine it.  Questions they could be asking themselves.  That they actually, are, asking, themselves.  You don’t even have to imagine – you’re there.  Where you “always wanted to be.”  What you might consider.  As you might suppose.  As that would happen.  Tripping?  Seems to have gone better, today.  What “type” of problem do you have?  Do they come in “types”?  Is every person’s problem a unique, singular problem?  Getting tired of this level of attention?  Could you fall asleep, if you were actually having a panic attack?  Is that how you’d describe this?  Slow-motion panic attack.  Why “panic”?  What’s the anxiety about?  What are you afraid of?  What “questions” would be “key questions”, in your case?

You’d want to leave a note.  It seems.  It can seem.  ~Were you totally crazy, or are you looking ~forward to being crazy?  Some of these points.  Exposure to too many triggers.  I know what it’s like to be a beautiful woman, with people scanning you constantly.  Kind of what it’s like.  The potency of some of these readings.  No one ever tries me.  Readings “for” or “against”… What you could be getting into.  Exactly where do you live?  Live, and not die.  Seems like.  Certain conditions, could be good for.  At certain times, finding certain people.  Who would be open to you in this condition.  Who would seemingly be able to accept someone in this condition.  Are you available?  Never thought about it, before…  What we consider, what we suppose.  Could be.  I don’t think they’ll agree with some of my readings.  Reading this place.  At least some of the readings.  For this place.  Against this place.  It seems like before the FB, I’m interested in people finding out who I am.  Then, during the FB, I’m not interested in them being able to scan me.  I went to Starbucks today – it didn’t turn out very well.  I’m sorry.  What you would apologize for.  Killing yourself.  Leaving a suicide note.  Waste of a life, to be schizophrenic.  Or – just different.  You have a ~different sort of experience, than most people.  I’ll see a woman look me in the eyes, and then the voices will say, “It’s a certain look in the eyes, how they know you.”  They seem to be commenting on everything that happens.  Time for the hospital?  Not just now.  Just don’t want to “go out” too much.  Good time for exercising around the apartment.  Good move for that.  Your spot.  On the spot.  For almost anything you could imagine.  You’re on the spot.  You made them.  What you’ve asked people to consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I’d just suppose.  Different things.  You could be considering.  As you.  If you.  Went for a walk.  I just wanted some exercise, and to maybe grab a coffee.  It didn’t turn out like that.  It turned into a hellish nightmare.  Complaining about this.  Statins?  Shortness of breath?  What you could be looking for (scanning for)… You’re scanning, also – so can you blame them for it?  For doing what you, in fact, do?  Certain people, such as yourself, scan all the time.  Are always scanning.  With the gift you’ve been given.  You would decide to.  Decide to what?  Give back to society.  For them giving you this gift.  What do you have to give back?  What have you given the world, people?  Can it be known?  Can it be shown? 

Seems hard.  To go out.  In the middle of this.  “This”… Happening.  To you.  Seems like that would be difficult.  To “deal-with”… All the time.  Always.  If you had always been looking on the edge.  Of homelessness.  Of saying “I’m sorry”… Why are you interested in this place?  Do you work here?  Name major origin number.  What people could be “looking into”… Like you’d want to look in her eyes, repeatedly.  This place.  Where you live.  Like that might happen.  Second chance.  You see the same woman again, who smiled at you the first time.  You still seem to be unable.  Phobic.  Maybe this is why you haven’t had a real girlfriend in years.  Well, there was Bethel.  But I don’t think of her as a real girlfriend.  I guess she was.  Hard drug addict.  Crazy as hell.  What you could be doing.  As you look into some of these points.  As you’d want to look into.  Seemingly.

As it would go.  Know German, as well as English?  Not gonna happen.  Sorry.  You know English too well.  And German too poorly.  You’d have to study.  You’d have some homework, to do.  Like you did in English.  What we consider.  As we figure.  Different music to listen to.  That you may want to listen to.  Being awoken to it.  Being turned on to different kinds of music.  What you would consider / figure.  I suppose.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we do, what we foresee.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  Not really in a ~modality to know.  To tell the truth.  To speak the truth.

As it would happen.  What you figure.  Seems difficult.  Feeding into the gamma material.  When you have alpha you can access.  If you have alpha.  If you are able to access.  Why rely on gamma material?  Understanding / consciousness.  A-Janovian primals.  Don’t even mention Janov’s name.  His theory is that everyone else is wrong.  Split.  One time.  Like this only happened one time.  You’re scanning like.  Connected to the mouth.  Look in both your eyes, selves.  You’d just have to get one look at me.  Peeps-hole (webcam).  What your people could be looking into.  As it would go.  If you would go.  I guess – I don’t know.  Flashback pretty powerful.  Rolling your eyes, between certain high points?  Is that what your people may have noticed?  Suddenly, it could seem?  An escape?  Permanent solution to a temporary problem..  You only want ~temporary solutions, I guess.  Suicide would be the worst thing you could do.  The voices seem to be reassuring.  Reminding me of the intensity.  It’s not just voices.  It’s the sensation of tripping.  Nothing you can cognitively do about it.  “I want to kill myself.”  Death is the ultimate solution.  Fate worse than death?  If death isn’t that bad, maybe a fate worse than death wouldn’t be so bad.  Lose your housing?  No parents to save you?  Is this what happens?  What we suppose?  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  How you’d relate / consider.  On the way to becoming a normal person?  Is this what happens.  How careful you’d have to be.  Looking into points.  Points worth looking into.  Very closely. 

Certain real people were going to notice it.  I wasn’t always certain, real people were going to notice it.  This is how I roll.  “I roll.”  Maybe not in this world.  But in X worlds, I think there have been chances like this.  You’ve been given a choice.  Real, or unreal?  For real people, or unreal people?  Is that what “the” choice is all about?  With the clarity you’ve been allowed to look into this point?  Never say never.  Not ever say never.  Never mind.  This is your “never-mind”… What your mind thinks of never telling people.  Seems to be some pressure.  To open their eyes to.  Open certain people’s eyes.  Seems to be some eye-opening energy, we could be relaxing into.  SECT.  Weren’t always sure how well it would work, for you.  The SECT of literary lovers.  Who does this SECT involve?  Mention, or use?  Do you mention certain names, or use certain names?  Fiction can do anything it wants.  Fiction is for doing anything you want to do.  Such as.  Your type.  Very small type.  Glee in his voice, as he said that.  This is what we consider.  Allowing you, to do.  What we’ve enabled you to do.  Strange things he might have said, at some point.  I’ve never seen anything like that.  I’ve never seen anyone who likes that kind of pressure.  What kind of pressure is it?  What does the pressure seem to be for telling-you?  Does the pressure seem to be about?  About people’s eyes, I’s, selves – closed or open, to this potency?  Of energy?  What does the energy seem to be about?  If I could tell real people.  If I could show them I was “there”… Where I always wanted to be.  Average writers.  He wanted me to meditate on the concept of an average, or perhaps above-average, writer.  Fuck you.  Get the fuck out of here.  In other words.  Maybe he was jealous, of your skill level.  Possible.  I have a website and a blog.  What we consider.  As we consider.  What SECT could be doing to/for you.  You had to realize for yourself.  How much you’d love this… What it was doing to you.  If you still don’t like it…  “It”… What there is, to like.  To consider.  The only one with my name.  Online, at least.  I seem to be the only David Christian Baird online.  In the current world.  The only, or the most. 

You won.  This is where you won.  This is what you won.  This type of pressure.  Pressure to do what?  Exactly?  Can’t always scan for these answers.  Janov’s interpretation.  Trigger collecting.  Scanning to see what worked.  What if ~nothing ever worked?  What if you’ll ~always be in this condition?  For the rest of your life?  What then?  What do you imagine your next step, to be?  To “C” a writer – to give a writer a C?  Would you be able to do that?  Be a writer?  Give grades?  I don’t think they’d want me grading young writers.  I don’t think that’s what I’ve been designed to do.  Designed.  Oscar-signed.  Believe it, or not.  Different language.  You could have had access to.  “You”, the first person.  In the first person.  To have sold.  Us on it.  “It”… What you’re getting into.  David-signing these books.  What books you’ve learned how to write.  The writing phase.  Or the living with what you’ve written, phase?  Which phase do you want to be getting into?  Writing more?  More books?  Is that what “it” calls for?  One “more”-book.  A book of “more”…  Conditions, which might be for teasing you to.  Experiments.  With teasing you into.  A shape in which.  The shape in which.  You could be said to have always/already been?  If this is always happening?  In which world?  If this type of thing is always, already happening?  To who?  To real people.  Which real people?  Internet people.  Who visits this kind of stuff?  People on the internet.  Which people?  Witch-people… People who might be witches or wizards.  If you’ve allowed for that.  Type of reception.  What types of clicks.  You could be “getting”… Getting.  “Getting”… Quotes, and un-quotes.  Certain situations.  Realize how hard it could have been, to talk about certain things.  Certain things, with certain people.  Myself.  What I’m getting into.  As far as I’ve taken it.  I’ve never taken it that far, recently.  I’ve never had to take it that far.  Five hours.  I’ve been able to go to sleep, and let it wear off.  How long would it last?  Are you still having one?  No, not now.  How long?  Do they last?  He lasted a long time.  He was able to hang from a bar, for a long time.  What they could say.  “They”, “say”… I don’t care what they say?  Different things.  You could have introduced your brother to?  “Brother”?  Who exactly?  Would you introduce to this?  Kind of intensity.  As you tried to relax, while this was going on?  Relaxation is the highest prize, for David Christian Baird.  Said by Lawrence P. Baird, Ph.D.  Different things.  You could be considering.  To publish, or not publish, this kind of material.  “Kind”… Like, the Kind.  That band you used to like dancing to.  So long ago.  Risks you’ve taken.  Risks you shouldn’t have taken.  Perhaps, in a different world, wouldn’t have taken.  If the world were different.  Is that my excuse?  The way the world was?  Seemed?  Do we still live in a world?  Or, X worlds?  If we’re alive in X worlds.  If X worlds have gone similarly to this.  Then.  What would that mean? 

As you, if you.  The type of resolution the text would have to be at.  If you were going for retina clarity.  Then you might have to magnify your font size, for this resolution of screen.  But you can reach it.  Retina clarity.  You just might have to read a larger font.  This is what happens.  These questions, questions as basic as these.  What seems to be happening.  What you seem to be doing.  “Doing”?  Full three-dimensional clarity.  I’m used to two dimensional erotica.  I don’t have a lot of experience with three dimensional.  Women.  Some women can see me.  I need a woman who can see me.  My body imagine.  Negative body image.  Hopefully going for a semi-cute face and overall style.  Hopefully.  Don’t judge a book by its cover.  You don’t ~want a woman who has a negative image of you.  You want one who thinks you’re beautiful.  This is what happens.  You see one or two each time you go out.  I see so many women.  I don’t need online dating.  I can do better in reality.

As that would happen.  If you were to do that.  What you would consider.  How you could consider.  Things, happening.  If things were going to happen “for” you.  A certain light at the end of the tunnel.  If what you were looking into.  Looking to be into.  Then, I could only imagine.  Certain key developments, in a schizophrenic family.  Escape classification.  What you could be classified as.  The amount of time you’ve been looking into.  It’s all connected.  Everything in the universe.  Is connected to the mouth.  “The” brain?  Is that what we’ve been thinking?  Do you think you can produce magic?  Of DeLillo quality?  I’d just like to write a book, DeLillo level or not.  This is what I consider.  What I suppose.  Happy to write any book at all.  Of any level of “quality”… That’s what I think.  What I’m thinking.  As I do this.  Uncomfortable topics?  Isn’t any topic a bad topic, in a certain frame of mind?  What you were looking into.  Things could be going so well – and then they turn to shit.  Coherences.  Things.  What you could be considering.  As you, if you.  What we could be doing here.  What we would be doing.  If we could get a straight answer from you.  If you would own up to certain points.  If you’re going to talk about rolling your eyes, why not actually roll your eyes?  If this is what it’s all about?  Rolling, tripping, primalling, living, scanning, reading.  Something like that.  “People might not agree with all of these readings.”  Writings?  They don’t publish books this big anymore?  At least ~nonfiction.  Fiction, they’ll publish anything.  What you were going to look into.  Writing some sort of “popular” book.  A potential bestseller.  How that would go.  How you would figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  For your type of brain.  “Depends what type of brain you have.”  They come in types?  Wouldn’t that matter, make a difference?  If you were going to look into borderlines.  Borderline areas.  Losing your housing.  Trip going sour.  Going South.  This is what you do.  How you’d suppose. 

What would have to happen.  For you, as you.  For you to go, as you to go.  Different things.  Almost like.  It’s almost exactly like… What you do matters.  What you do would matter.  If.  Smells?  Consciousness?  Determinism?  Confusion about what the nature of this system is.  Baird System?  Or “the” System?  Which system are you laboring under?  Do you call this labor?  Compared to some other labors you could imagine?  If this is what you want to do – write.  If you will continue to write.  If this is what life will consist of.  You almost ruined your life.  Your reputation.  You thought bad equaled good.  You didn’t realize.  You actually ~do want a good reputation.  In this world.  In the world.

What you realize.  What you’d have to do.  If you wanted.  Full / fool.  You apparently eat enough food.  On certain interpretations of the word “fat”… Not the right food.  Enough is enough.  A special occasion.  A special event.  What we consider.  How we suppose.  Had to do it.  Was going to do it, one way or another.  This is what I did.  The Ideal and the Denial?  You wrote this why?  What did you have in mind?  Explosions?  What instruction can we give David?  Would this prevent an explosion, or encourage an explosion?  Things you have to consider.  For certain key individuals.  Sharing times.  The place.  What the place has seen.  Has seen what you’re capable of.  Perhaps.  Perhaps you must learn German.  This is how it goes, how it would go.  Why did your eye twitch, just then?  Why did your hand twitch?  Why exactly?  Did you do any of the things you did?  Do you want to drink?  Do you want neuro-toxins?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think that’s what this is for.  This is for something else.  A different sort of realization.  Your SECT of literary lovers.  The people who will love your work.  Real people.  What you’ve given.

The Janovian interpretation.  The Pittsburgh interpretation.  Still harping on “Janov”?  Can’t you let go?  He doesn’t have an adequate theory.  His theory isn’t complex enough.  It doesn’t handle the full insanity too well.  “Psychotics have an unimaginable load of Pain.”  Maybe.  Maybe true in a limited sense.  Looking at time.  Code.  Who wrote the source code, for this operant device.  If we wanted to replicate the code.  How would we code for this?  Anti-normative matrix?  How do you think that’s going to go?  Going up against a matrix?  Break the code.  Understand the code.  Coded structure.  “I’ll let you turn it down.”  About the fireplace?  Or going to visit Liz babysitting?  Certain types of neighbors.  You may have been warned about.  Looking at time.  A little brother.  Why one brother would keep his eyes open, the other brother keep his eyes closed.  A certain brother.  Not as into response, this late at night.  What he saw.  On this “level”… Of difficulty?  Why one would become an atheist?  I believe that he ~is an atheist.  I believe in the world.  Didn’t always.  If I’m the first, most, only.  “It”… It for a world?  Would that be relaxing?  Is that what you’re trying to “relax about”?  I guess.

As it goes.  As you would consider.  What you have to figure.  Carpal tunnel.  Time to take a break from the strings.  No good.  Carpal tunnel pain in your wrist, left wrist.  I guess the future will reveal how bad this is.  Getting tired of these FB’s.  Getting tired of being in the condition.  Seems like I don’t even like to lie down in bed, anymore.  I’m just tired of it all.  Scans.  The beautiful women, who people must scan all the time.  “What’s a scan?”  “When someone looks at you to try to figure out who you are, and what you can do for them.”  This is what I’d be thinking.  Everyone, all the time.  Could be scanning like this.  It’s what people do.  I develop sensitivity to it.  Allergy.  Every time I go outside, for a long walk.  I might have to stay in more.  Go to less events.  Do less.  If things are this stressful, this triggering.

It raises the question of exactly ~who has the direct, unmediated access to your imagination.  Whose surface of psychology..  You have access.  But which aspect of you?  That is what I’m currently asking.  I could be writing almost anything.  I suppose.  But I gravitate toward certain themes.  The beautiful women I saw yesterday.  How they react to scans.  I have sympathy for them.  They get continually scanned.  I guess everyone gets scanned.  In this world.  Oakland.  Everyone is scanning for something.  I guess.  I would suppose.  What you “look at” – the kind of “time”, you’re looking at.  People can tell, by looking in your eyes.  I’s.  It’s a certain look in the eyes.  This is how I roll.  What you’re pretending not to do.  Not to have done.  Looked into the highest possible points, a human could look into.  Been as high as possible.  As tripped out, as possible.  Why pretend?  If it’s just going to cause you stress?  Why not just go with it…?  Maybe a key realization.  It feels insane.  It ~is insane.  You must be pretty smart.  What you consider.  As you suppose.  DT is an activity.  Deprivation torture, if you don’t do it.  What you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Double Trouble seems like a trigger.  Talking about my problems.  People scanning me.  A group scan.  Shared experience.

What you might consider.  Have to become as careful writing, as with guitar.  The tendons are ~that valuable/ sensitive.  I guess.  I’ve already written enough.  But there is the craving for more.  I should listen to my cravings.  The good ones, at least.  I’ve had FB’s the last five double troubles.  I think that’s a pattern.  It’s torturous.  It triggers me.  Talking about my problems.  Getting a group look at me, a group scan.  I don’t want to talk about my problems that much.  It’s too triggering.  Too much exposure.  The walk into the clinic triggers me also.  All the people and women, scanning.  I know I’m guilty of scanning, also.  Everyone does it.  It’s what people do.  I feel like I’m a unique find, for a woman.  Depends what you’d want to use a woman for.  What she’d be “good for”… If you expect her to be able to write ultra-fictional philosophy, like you.  You might not find that, right away.  Maybe eventually.  You never know.  What you figure / consider.  You could help her with her work.  Why would men be interested in talking to you?  Your humor?  Your writing experience?  You must be pretty smart.  Third person view, objective view of voices.  If an objective view is possible, the third person voices have it.  What could be more objective?  Your delusions?  Thinking you’re god?  When you have delusions like that… It might become difficult, to go outside.  To go out.  If you think people are scanning for you.  Everyone, all the time.  How that would seem.  I won’t be famous.  But if I am.  But I won’t.  But if I am.  DeLillo did it.  He has some literary genius on his side.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just do my thing.

What you do.  Multi-core, multitasking processor network.  Just because nothing verbal is happening in your imagination.  Different processes can be happening, nonverbal.  In sequence, the cores consider different things, in a cycle of concerns.  This is what happens.  What is happening might not be obvious.  What appears to be happening might not be what’s really happening.  With multi-core, multi-tasking processor networks, just about anything is probably happening, somewhere in the brain.  You have to allow for it all.  An understanding of computers.  Brain theory is computer theory.  The computer is the most advanced model we have of a computational process.  By going farther away from women, you have paradoxically become ~closer.  Alone is the best trip.  Allows the most freedom, the most imagination.  But if you found a woman.  What would be possible.  Women on the street.  I see so many women.  I see one or two good ones, each time I go out.  You’re not trying to impress women who don’t like you.  You’re going for the ones who instantly love you.  As strange as that seems.  You don’t want a struggle operation.  You’ve had enough struggle relationships.  They’re nightmares.  To be able to be normal, straight, nonstruggle may be the ultimate victory for you.  What you realize.  Walking around.  The women.  At the park, at the library.  I have a link.  I have a website.  Tell her about your link.  She’ll want to know. 

What you would articulate.  Taking it easy.  Being gentle with your hands, your self.  Not just pounding out the lines.  Being more careful, more deliberate.  This is what happens.  What you’d consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were interested in viewing your mind as a machine.  A structure.  The brain is a structure, literally.  It is an active, neuro-electronic chemical-reaction structure, but a structure all the same.  The multitasking.  The one page at a time reading style has turned me on to more multitasking.  You don’t ~want to get deep into a book.  You ~want to multitask.  It’s easier for your brain to deal with.  This is what happens.  What we figure / consider.  As we were to.  Lucas wasn’t a prophet – or maybe he was… Jesus Christ, preaching to the freshmen in English.  The Second Coming of Christ.  Too sensitive.  Too crazy.  What could be going on.  What your brain seems to be processing.  As it were, as you would.

What you do, what you consider.  Measuring your typing.  Not taking your hands for granted.  Or life.  Contingent.  Not fear of death – but ~awareness of death, is how I’d put it.  We could go at any moment.  It’s sheer probability that says we live.  You just have to hope for a miracle.  A sign.  A blink of a bright spot light, only you can see.  If you take that sign.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  I’ve been hoping for some commentary on my work.  Maybe people don’t think they can speak English well enough.  What you do.  Work for the Wizards, and Witches.  That’s part of it.  Also for the muggels.  You write for ~all time, for ~everyone.  At least this is what you claim.  Have claimed.

Difficult.  Reading Adorno in German.  Why would you want to do that to yourself?  It’s what I’m into.  Seeing if I can understand German philosophy.  It’s just my little interest.  Could have other interests, probably don’t.  That’s probably the key interest.  What you consider.  Meeting a German woman, or a woman who is learning German.  That’s what you’re ~really curious about.  What could happen there.  In that type of situation.  As you would consider.  As you would figure.  Things we have happening.  German.  Translate practice.  Trying to speak.  Really trying the language.  Seeing what can happen.  What kind of learning.  The body mind is a totality.  Interesting, that it would work like that.  Strange.  That it doesn’t die more frequently.  Seems to stick around.  Seems to be robust.  Hard to imagine.  How something like this.  God.  The only possible explanation.  I guess that depends who you are.  Other people have other possible explanations.


 

 

 

 

Voice and Voices

 

 

As it goes, as you’d want to go, if you’d want to go.  It does, we do.  Things.  Happening.  Different things.  As you might consider, as you might figure.  How often you try to learn German.  I think it matters.  If you rarely try, are you going to learn?  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s a simple matter of repetition, on some level.  You’d think, you’d imagine.  How you learned language in the first place – immersion.  You didn’t know what the fuck was happening.  You were thrown into the middle of it.  You had no choice, in a way.  Maybe you need to do that with German – go to the meetup.  Throw yourself into it.  If it’s really a goal of yours.  If you really do think language learning does interesting things to you.  As a writer, as a thinker.  Trying to reprogram himself, to write a better book.  The best book possible.  That’s what I was always hoping for.  Different things.  You could imagine, you could suppose.  I guess.  I’m more into my newer work.  Heliosophy was good for what it was.  It seems outmoded now, though.  Maybe I read it too many times.  Maybe I simply wore it out.  That would be good – in a way, it would be a sign of having learned its lessons well.  If you’ve already learned the lessons of a book.  If you’ve written three books since then.  Then it might seem.  Depending on the kind of writing.  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  Which continually develops, from day to day, from minute to minute, even.  Then something you wrote seven years ago might not seem as pertinent.  If you’ve left that world behind, in a sense.  If in a sense you’ve already done that, lived that, known that.  You don’t need to keep knowing truth over and over.  Once you know it, you can move on.  The hope of a writer.  That he can move on.  That is the ultimate hope.  That we are not stuck on one level.  Women on this level.  The same level that you’re on.  When they’re on this level.  Straight into – when you look straight into them, their eyes.  And they say things to you.  Why did I seem to be able to manage the FB’s, in the past?  Why has my ability to deal with them decreased?  They could have been getting worse.  Just the progressive nature of mental illness.  And you did a lot of drug abuse.  I wouldn’t recommend that.  Is that really what you want to do?  What you want to consider?  What triggered you, just now?  Hard to tell.  Talk of a lot of drug abuse.  I don’t think it’s best.  I don’t think it’s the best method.  To solve your problems.  To approach your problems.  Different things.  How luscious the girls are.  How they seem to be good for penetrating.  Like yourself.

I guess it could be good to do, occasionally.  Especially if you’re not obsessed with it.  What you consider.  As you’d figure.  Seems like a compulsive act though.  Forcing your body to go through something, to react.  You ~already “acted” – you don’t need to re-act.  That’s what I think.  It’s not worth it.  Sex is not worth it.  Or fake sex.  It’s a lot of sensitive effort, for not a big payoff.  Not a big deal.  I guess if you have nothing better to do.  Why not?  Can you articulate the “why not”?  Programmed, animalistic behavior.  So is eating?  But sex isn’t about survival, it’s about pleasure.  Pleasure, I am suspicious of.  Beauty.  Porn.  Very suspicious things.  I guess I didn’t learn my lesson, because I did it again.  It’s been weeks, though, and maybe it’s natural.  “Clean out the pipes.”  What you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would, as it could.  Maybe it’s an organic development.  Maybe you ~will tell them about it.  They can read the books, if they really want to.  They were designed more for the world, for strangers.  If you have me, you don’t need my books.  As it would go.

As you would do it.  Because.  You figure, you consider.  Different things.  Listening to classical (great) music.  Why?  Why did your thumb twitch, just then?  Why are you rolling your eyes like that?  Exactly now?  Why would you do that at a meeting?  You’re staring exactly into my eyes.  You’re staring at me.  No one else is.  Why are you?  Am I doing something unusual?  Why would you roll your eyes like that?  At a meeting?  You look like you’re on some mind altering substance. 

What I could be doing.  How far I’ve taken it.  Five hours.  As long as you can imagine.  What it would seem like.  What would “that” seem like.  Little helpful sayings, that turn out to be not very helpful, in a strong FB.  Things I think will help me.  Perspectives on the situation.  They can’t ~really tell what you’ve looked at.  Looked into.  From a look in your eyes.  Rolling.  They can’t tell how you’ve rolled.  “This is how I roll.”  What we figure, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  If you would.  As you would.  In my dreams?  Do I realize this is a dream?  Is that what it would be about?  To realize you’re dreaming?  I’ve written four books.  Maybe you should take a look at them, before you agree to work with me.  This is what I figure, what I consider.  As I were to.  Deprivation torture.  Yes, there is some humor in this formulation of therapy.  Includes some humor.  Why did your eye just twitch?  Why did you laugh at that?  Time to roll down your eyes and take a nap.  Things they could have said, to intensify the conditioning.  What you consider.  How you consider.  Mandatory naps.  This is what prepared you.  Are you prepared for this?  Told Facebook about my books.  A big move, for me.  One perhaps I should have taken a while ago.  As my brother said, “Stealing from artists?”  I got a comment deleted on this topic by Anatole.  Didn’t want to push my luck, with Susan.  These brainwashed-types are pretty sensitive to being contradicted.  They don’t like it, in other words.  Why press their buttons?  What would it accomplish?  You have your own work, your own venue.  You wrote the worry-tale.  You already made your statement.  They can find it if they want.  You’ve submitted your texts, to the appropriate authorities.  Said to be, known to be.  They might be watching you all the time.  For certain radical content.  Radical?  What’s so radical about it?  Supports revolution?  What kind of revolution?  Basically democracy.  Aggregate Rationality.  Basically group logic.  In other words, the ideal form of government, of societal organization.  What we were going for all along.  Now with the interweb, possible.  Before the interweb, not possible.  What we consider/ figure.  As we were to.  If we were to.

A writing trip.  I could always become a recluse.  That would suck.  I knew you were going to say that.  It wouldn’t be good.  You used to be able to handle IOP.  I’ve been going downhill.  Maybe they’re wearing me down.  He’s done acid.  I don’t think he’d still do that.  What you consider.  Are they actually voices, or are they just intrusive thoughts?  They always have something meaningful to say.  I’m interested in what they say.  It’s pertinent.  People wonder what it’s like.  There are different levels.  Last time I saw you was a low intensity.  But there are high intensity ones.  Where it’s difficult to function.  What we consider.  Seems like groups, everyone looking at my problems, trigger it.  All I can say is that it’s happened the last five Double Troubles.  I don’t know why.  I guess different things could be happening.  They’re just curious.  It doesn’t really matter.  What we figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What am I ~really thinking about?  Flashing back to what?  What are you really thinking about?

What you do.  What you suppose.  Took about an hour for the FB to die down.  Half-hour of recorded German audio, half-hour of noise cancelling silence.  Well, this is what we look into.  If you’re certain.  That’s why they’re called “certain points”… You can instantly know you’re in one.  I noticed some blankness or numbness.  “Your affect is better, you look more alive.”  This is what happens.  What we’d suppose.

I don’t know – not really.  (What goes on in the brain.)  I can only suppose.  Changing your mind?  Some of the time?  Key interludes that would be memorable?  At least ~some of the time?  Like something your mother said to you, once?  This is what happens.  How we figure / consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we’d expect to be the case.  How we’d consider.  If we were to, as we were to.  Different things, you have going on.  If you, as you.  This is what we figure.  Consider.  What my biggest problem is.  Flashbacks?  Can seem like it, during a strong one.  When normal, it doesn’t seem like it.  Seems like I usually deal with them well.  Rolling, primalling, living, tripping, reading, scanning, writing.  The different things I could possibly be doing.  Be thought to be doing.  Actually be doing.  Writing.  If you keep at it.  If you want to be a writer.  You’d have to actually do it.  There wouldn’t really be an option.  If this is what you write.  If you like writing journal best.  Free-form.  You’re not one much for “structure”… In your writing.  You like to just go with it, flow with it.  As you’d see, as you’d suppose.  I’m not really sure any of this will be useful.  How useful any of this will be.

What you do.  What you’d think.  FB.  Bullshit.  I guess this is what I “signed up for”… LSD poisoning.  Certain points.  I don’t feel bad, I just know I’m in a FB.  It just gets worse, if you don’t take care of it.  Things I’ve learned.  Over time.  Slowly.  It’s taken a long time to learn.  What you do.  What you figure.  Different types of guilt.  For what you’ve looked into.  Guilt tripping.  A lot of guilt, a lot of tripping.  Mongers.  What you consider.  How you’d suppose.  If you were to, as you were to.  Different things.  How many times have I tried to learn this language?  It’s just repetition.  It’s muscle memory and brain memory.  Habituating yourself to the language.  Why you’d want to do that.  Why anyone would want to do that.  If you’re into the philosophy, the poetry.  Then.  I think.  You might be into the learning.  If.  A big “if”… Different things.  I’ve never heard anyone describe one.  You use your term for them.  LSD flashback condition.  Tripping.  Insane.  Murmuring voices.  Constant voices.  What exactly you’d be looking into.  If you.  As you.  As you were to.  If you were looking at time like this.  They say I’ll have them for as long as I live.  Different energies.  You could be tuning into.  The frequencies.  What you could have going on.  All the time.  It seems like I’ve agitated certain voices.  By what I’ve written and done.  Seems like I’ve caused some difficulty.  Of explosive force.

When you actualize your potential.  What it would seem like.  If you wrote.  If you knew how to write.  As I would, as I do.  You keep accomplishing things in life.  Indeed, you’ve been responding to some of these conditions.  You’ve been looking into them very carefully.  Deeply involved with the reality of things.  What you could be doing here.  In this sort of reality.  Bless you.  What we’d be considering.  I guess.  Sex with dead girls.  Why would I have dreams like that?  Because I’ve used a lot of porn – “dead” girls?  They seem to mention Anatole’s name a lot.  Maybe because he was the person who has looked most clearly into certain points.  Why would you be afraid of exactly that issue?  Keep Anatole’s eyes closed?  Was that the strategy?

What you get.  What it gets.  Pure experimental writing.  It’s pure repetition.  Trying to teach the brain new pathways.  It’s what becomes.  You can write anything.  You don’t have a lot holding you back.  Not anymore.  I wrote for the future.  I wanted people to be able to think of these things.  If they can’t now, at least later, they’ll be able to.  That’s what I wrote.  I wrote to free people’s minds.  From the NM.  ANM stuff is obviously not common or popular.  It might become so.  Given.  Given what you’ve shown is possible.  The amount of clarity.  Looking straight into forbidden points.  That no one has ever written about.  Because of fear, because of inertia.  What you consider.  What you could be doing.  In begins to seem.  German uses different forms of the mouth shapes.  It’s actually a different language.  You can’t just straight translate word for word.  Things are said differently.  You don’t always know, before you find out.  You’d have to discover.  You’d have to suppose.  If you did.  As you did.  Usage of silence.  The tension.  Ah, tension.  The ringing.  Maybe your obsession with loud sounds prepared you, in a sense, for ear ringing.  Maybe you signed up for it.  You had heard loud music damages hearing.  I guess you didn’t care.  You thought if it was ~good loud music, it wouldn’t hurt.  Only noise or bad music hurts the ears.  Good theory.  Hopefully it’s true. 

Well, see the thing is, about this.  If you were thinking of looking into this.  “Into” – so you’d ~owe it, in other words.  As in, “You’d be into us for ten grand.  I don’t recommend it.”  What you’ve learned.  What you’ve seemingly learned, from books.  From Thorsand.  Your sexual perversion/ disorder, in high school.  With Shankara.  Groping, like the worst kisser, ever.  Rocky Horror Picture Show.  A ~troubled formation.  That’s how I’d put it.  You had some trouble.  A significant amount.  If Thorsand only knew.  The full extent of the mouth problems.  “David, on drugs?!”  What you were shown.  What you would consider.  As it would go.  As you would consider.  Fantasies of kidnapping certain people.  Losers.  Popular.  “You’re unpopular.  You’re a loser.”  Different things.  As we’d figure, as we’d consider.  A loser.  Maybe that was an apt description.  The appropriate distinction, for kids to make.  “Do you have any friends?”  Difficult points, in your origin.  “You make me worse.”  What you’d consider.  “You don’t want your pinky to be a dead finger.”  What you consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  I’d just suppose.  What we have going on.  If we were to look into it.  As we were to look into it.

What we’d do, what we’d consider.  Depending which language.  As you figure, as you suppose.  Different things.  You could.  I guess.  It feels like I’m tripping.  I guess you’d have to trip.  To find out what that’s like.  I can’t really describe it.  It seems like, time to go to bed.  Time to want bed.  That’s how it seems.  If I’ve learned my lesson, when to ask for help.  It’s not necessarily that I feel so bad, and want to lie down.  It’s that it’s a flashback, and I ~should lie down, ask for help.  So it doesn’t get worse.

What you do, what you become.  If it were, as it were.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would.  Different things.  Almost exactly like.  Is everything as it seems?  In this world?  Do we still live in a world?  What have you been getting “into”?  Whose “should’s” are we using now?  Different points you may have looked into.  How difficult it can get.  It can seem.  The tragedy, of no love.  How that seems.  To you.  At various points.  How that would seem.  Having looked into some young women today at Chipotle.  What they could be said to think.  Thought to think.  Is that how it works – wherever you are, you get triggered?  Is that how it should be?  Always say never?  What you’ve been considering?  To do a Yoga Nidra as soon as you realize.  To see how sensitive you can get.  To the condition.  If you have the option of asking for help, you should.  If you’re out – well too bad.  But if you’re at home, you can relax.  What I consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

I don’t have to read Adorno.  I don’t have to read ~anyone.  After what I’ve done?  And I expect to need continual education?  Maybe it’s true.  If I want to learn German.  I don’t ~have to learn German.  It’s just a desire.  What else is there to do?  Learn as much as possible.  Speak your Mother Tongue.  You don’t need to go to foreign lands, speak another language.  Those needs are illusions.  They are not ~real needs, in Janov’s sense of “real”… The old man did have some key points.  Even if he was obsessed with heterosexual sex.  And having orgasms.  I think I have ~overcome orgasms.  Heterosexual sex.  Seeing a young woman at Chipotle can trigger me, cause me feelings of regret and loss.  I guess that’s what I deal with.  With the illness.  I’m meant to be alone.  I don’t get lonely.  I have plenty to do, by myself.  I don’t need a woman here.  I guess it would be nice.  She would be nice.  We’d have to talk.  With my TMJ disorder.  I get tired of talking.  I guess you don’t have to talk continually.  Especially if she knows about your problem.  You can say choice things.  Some people don’t talk a lot.  No one says you have to be a motor mouth.  Just because there’s a woman here.  Who you’d like to talk to.  If that’s true.  If you want to talk to a woman.  How young?  How old?  I guess she can be whatever age she wants to be.  A woman.  Is that ~really what you’re thinking of?  Who you’re thinking of?  Do you know how it would go?  Can you predict what that would be like?  Like at Tech, some of the women there, who were into you?  Didn’t go very well.  Not well at all.  That was the fuck-mouth-brain days.  So of course it wasn’t going to go well.  But now.. You have a mouth, you have a tongue.  You can articulate at whatever level.  Give a mini-lead.  Even if it was a one-off, one time deal.  You did it.  So now.  When you have.  If you are.  As it would.  As one might consider. 

Why would anyone say that – “tennis is kind of an elite activity”?  I guess I say whatever the hell I want to say.  FB is good for that.  Giving yourself the chance for expression.  In this life, in this world.  That may not last very long.  What we consider / suppose.  As we were to.  Guilty.  Psychologically damaged her for life.  Very memorable.  What kind of person are you?  Who would do that?  Too much book learning.  Also, pathology of mouth-brain.  A pathology of speech is very dangerous – can lead to very bizarre activity.  What you consider.  As you’d suppose.  Different things.  How long do you expect to live?  As long as your parents?  That’s a long time.  Better get ready for some ~endurance.  To be alive that long.  Forty or fifty more years.  Maybe you ~will succeed as a writer.  In that sort of timeframe.  On that scale.  People will find out about your sites / work.  They will start to link to it.  It might take a few years.  To grow in popularity.  For people to be able to accept you.  Might not happen instantly, with all readers.  What we consider.  As we figure / suppose.  Hundreds of hits per day.  A good start.  Thousands might be nice.  I wonder what ~that will be like?  We’ll have to stick around, to see.  See what happens.  As you’re writing some of the same old tic’s.  What more can you do?  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Learning a lot of German.  The conversational, the philosophical.  Adorno is a Titan.  He knows a lot about music.  I think he was deservedly famous.  How good Adorno was.  Then, there’s you.  DCB.  What ~he’s done, what he’s opened the world’s eyes to.  If that can be said.  If that can be known.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  I just consider / support.  Things I have going on.  Dreams, déjà vu.  As it would happen.  As you might consider.  Writing your life away.  Writing begets writing.  But what could be better?  You wanted to ~write.  You dreamed of ~writing.  You’re alive now.  Unharmed.  Functional.  Stable.  The sky is the limit.  You get to do whatever you want.

What you do, what you consider.  As it would happen.  Such as.  Important, loaded words.  Locked and loaded.  What does that mean?  To you, now?  This, here, now, again?  The FB’s can be of stunning intensity.  Didn’t you just want to lie in bed?  During an LSD trip?  What you ultimately think tripping is ~for.  To show certain doctors?  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s to show ~yourself.  A certain person.  Code-named David.  Break the code, for breaking into the clinic?  What you consider?  What you figure?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  As it would go.  Whether you speak this language, or your Mother Tongue.  What it seems like.  If you were to.  Perfectly trip.  Be perfectly tripping.  It would.  It would seem.  What we consider.  Forensic analysis of your apartment?  What do you think that will yield?  Are they going to look through your garbage?  How closely you’ve looked into this point?  Directly above you?  How closely you’ve listened, to music?  On shuffle?  Random lights?  What you were thinking about doing?  As you actually did it?  Looking up to you.  Betrayed.  Warnings.  Key warnings, about the schizophrenic type of person you were.  Saying “I don’t know”, at key times.  What you’d imagine.  As you’d suppose.  If you were the type to do that.  “Type”… As you’d figure, as you’d consider.  “I call myself David Christian Baird.”  Or – that’s the name they gave me.  What you’d imagine.  How you’d suppose.

As it would go.  Have to ramp up the “project”, if possible.  Is it possible to ramp it up, any more than you already have?  Maybe it’s time to ~relax, to sit back and wait for the links to proliferate.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  What we could look into.  Your site, easy to read on mobile.  Well-designed.  Simple, elegant.  As simple as a sight could possibly be.  What you figure.  The joy of shuffle.  Didn’t know.  Suspected, but didn’t actually know.  There’s not enough time, to not shuffle your audio.  You don’t have the time for non-shuffle listening.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I could suppose.  I could determine.  What are you ~really thinking about?  Different things.  I should have paid closer attention.  The look on his face.  What you’d have to consider.  If you were to, as you were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Answers like that – “I don’t know”..  Could be a bad sign, about what “type” of person you’re dealing with.  As it would go.  As you’d figure.  Fashion is an important component of success, for a woman.  Like it, or not.  A sense of fashion.  Can be quite crucial, in the world.  What you’d consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d figure.  What you’d consider.  It’s not “materialist” to want to look good.  It’s ~spiritual.  If a girl ~can be beautiful, she ~should be.  You should know this, being a photographer.  What you can tell other people about how to raise their kids.  What will possibly change their perspective.  It won’t, in other words.  You can’t help – especially over FB.  What you’d consider, how you’d figure.

What we do, what we consider.  If you’re this afraid.  Of telling them, of them finding out.  And ditching you.  What that would mean.  On that level.  To be homeless.  Different things.  You could figure, you could suppose.  Does it matter, if I have a place to live, if I explode?  Nuclear family?  Why would that be called a nuclear explosion?  How big would that be?  What would that be like?  Do you have to care?  Do you care?  What you’ve been organizing.  Your project – what it has run to.  What it has done.  What you have done.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I’m better off without the crew, the fellas.  They just add stress.  What positive could they possibly add?  Godfried, obsessed with his own problems and career.  And, fucking with you.  And friends with that dick, Fortuna..  It would almost be.  It would almost have to.  Code-named David.  For her to find out, who you were / are.  Who exactly you are.  For her to learn.  Maybe she’d want to learn.  On that level.  Denial, evasion, escape.  This is what I think about, at certain times.  Certain questions.  You could be, should be, getting into.  I guess.  Bye bye, little Kiran..!  What you say.  My counselor has non-pressure-induced glaucoma.  “She has glaucoma with normal pressure?”  Yes.  What we consider, figure, suppose.  I could be.  It could be.  It could be a case of.  SI.  You could kill yourself.  At that point.  Should you be alive, should you live?  Should you be allowed to live?  Too loud, at certain times?  Too loud, for certain places?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Different things, you could be doing.  As it were.  Tendons and professional musicians.  You would have had to give up your career, because of tendon problems.  Not good.  Better that you didn’t have a career.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  I played some music.  I was a musician.  Played at whatever quality level, for some years.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose. 

Alone in the would’s.  The women who “would” like you, if you talked to them.  You don’t want to even ~talk to women?  That would involve “stopping”, “changing direction”… Big moves for you, historically.  What you’d have to suppose.  As you, if you.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Letting Asa live with you.  Going out with Bethel.  Different things.  Well, that’s life.  That was your life.  Can’t change that now.  Can’t go back in time.  As that would happen.  As you would figure.  Time travel.  Moving through space.  I like to move around.  How that would have to go.  If you were going to do that.  Why?  Why are you doing that?  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  If you were going to do that.  Why, David?  Why are you doing that?  Scans.  Pretending not to understand the women who can see you.  You need a woman who can ~see you.  That’s really your criterion.  If she can like you.  Not her education, career, status, or hotness.  How much she appreciates DCB.  That is the ultimate goal, for any of this.  I don’t need computers to help me find a woman.  Computers can’t help, with what I’m looking for.  They wouldn’t be able to filter.  Give her your link, maybe.  Just to give her something to think about.  The unspoken yes.  What we consider.  If you gave her your link.  Then I would imagine.  I would suppose.

This is what happens.  When you were to, if you were to.  The tic's can get kind of addictive.  There would be no reason for you to be a channel of god.  God doesn’t need that.  God wouldn’t be into that.  God is a systems thinker – a true genius of creativity.  God would not want to be DCB.  Had some ~powerful delusions.  Some real whoppers.  Slam-bang hit it out of the ballpark.  This is what happens.  At least you realize.  At least you know.  I was out of touch.

I guess.  Depending on what you’d do.  What you have going on.  What you’re looking at.  What kind of time.  As it would happen.  As you might consider.  Oral, anal.  The things you have to be guilty for.  Almost subliminal, to you.  Probably memorable, to her.  How that would go.  How you would figure.  She’d have to live with it.  She’d have no choice.  You gave her no choice.  This is what we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  I just try, I just relate.  What you could have going on.  Depending what you were “looking at”… The kind of “time”..  I think you have nothing to say for yourself.  Denial.  You are denying your guilt.  Instead of owning your recovery.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you’d think / do.  What you’re really guilty for.  Deserving of girlfriends?  Innocent enough for that?  Maybe this is what you’re realizing.  Finally.  Took a while.  For you to admit.  We’ll admit.  That took soul.  Who keeps a journal?  Who does that?  I guess.  I don’t know.  What Facebook exposes you to.  The kind of intelligence / ignorance.  I guess.

Freedom, or rehab… Getting impatient, for the inpatient psychiatric admission?  You have proof that you were mental.  The whole time.  Oral, anal.  Problems with voices.  Responding to suggestion.  Unconscious, in a sense.  In a sense, you were unconscious.  What’s that from?  Thought- and behavioral-pathology.  That’s what you have / had.  Afraid of your blanket, because it looked really big?  The hospital.  Can’t listen to good music.  But – get to hang out with people, all day long.  It’s fun.  Good food.  Your case.  You as a case.  Maybe you’ve compensated, atoned.  Maybe you’ve been punished enough, from life.  Maybe there is karma.  What happens.  I guess we didn’t realize.  What they’re looking at.  Who exactly, they’re looking into.  You knew you’d get to the real stuff, eventually.  If you kept writing.  Hopeless?  I have a lot of hope.  Hopes.  I have plans for the future.  Aspirations.  It’s not all death, suicide.  That’s just a pretty strong temptation.  I’m not going to drink, the slow suicide.  If I go, I’d go quickly.  No slow suicide for me. 

I don’t give a fuck about Doug.  Don’t need to return his calls.  “People on welfare shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”  Then they shouldn’t be allowed to give you free engineering, either.  What we consider.  How we figure.  Guilty.  This is how I roll.  If you decide to own your life.  Time for inpatient?  Not exactly.  That’s not totally what I want.  My psychic state.  My state of mind.  What it would require.  If I’m bad enough to go inpatient.  I feel pretty good now.  Stronger than the SI.  The flashbacks?  Can deal with them.  Have dealt with them so far..  What we consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  If you were going to.  Fragmented writing?  Is that a sign of guilt?  Can’t put yourself together?  Can’t string coherent sentences together?  That’s what I figure.  Consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.


 

 

 

 

 

 

The Stream of David

 

 

It might seem.  It could seem.  Could continue to seem.  Like.  If you, as you.  As they would have accepted you or not, for who you are / were.  We can’t all be perfect.  People make mistakes.  I made some big ones.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  Things.  I could consider.  Whether or not they’re that important.  Whether or not I’ll have to pay for them.  I’m getting a free ride.  So far.  I did work, a bit.  Not as much as your average bloke.  I had a bit more freedom than that.  What else is there to do, but write?  What else is there?  You could learn German.  However easy or hard that would be.  I think it would depend.  If you chronically avoid German speaking situations… What do you think will happen?  If you can’t even use your mediocre skills at a mediocre level.  Milieu is key.  What you seem to discover, seem to learn.  At various points.  Watching your Youtube movies.  Getting a taste of the milieu again.  That you’re currently avoiding.  Except on Facebook.  A good connection.  That took soul.  What you’re looking at.  As you’re looking that.  Definitely don’t publish “Clear Text” until you’ve edited it.  You’ve already done enough of the premature publications.  What you consider.  What you’re looking for.  “You have given mankind the greatest gift it’s ever known..”  Sound like Nietzsche?  Is he one of your models?  What do you have going on?  What can you consider to be the case?  As it were to, as you were to.  Use your tic’s, or abandon them?  I think ~usage is key.  Keep going.  Keep doing it, pounding out the tic’s.  Good things are bound to happen, when you “go out”… Different things you could be listening to.  Voices in memory.  People’s voices.  Mental.  You have proof you were mental.  Unconscious.  Repressed, neurotic or even psychotic.  Some of the anxiety levels.  In school.  Anal, oral.  Mental.  What you’re planning to tell the doctors.  As you’re planning to tell doctors about this.  If you could.  As it would.  Maybe the tripping is ultimately for ~yourself.  Not to show doctors.  They can see in due time.  In good time.  Don’t have to call Resolve tonight.  Maybe some other night.  As you go to bed.  Time for bed?  Is that what’s happening?

This is how it goes.  It.  Into.  What their parents might be thinking.  “Depending what you mean by ‘into’…”  As it would go.  As you would figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Exactly.  Always is the code for mother.  What’s “exactly” the code for?  Solved the problem of this place?  Here?  Different world?  Generate a world?  I thought you want… I thought you said.  He said everything matters.  What you’d figure.  How you’d consider.  The Kinks.  What you have going on.  As it would go.  As you would function.  No matter how closely you look into.  It is still as certainly hard.  Medicine seems to be what helps.  Short of medicine, nothing helps.  You’ll have these as long as you live here.  In this world.  Unless you’d change the world.  For changing the world.  I thought.  I thought you thought.  What happens.  How it would seem to go.  Memory for tripping.  Seems like, in a trip.  Could serve as a general introduction, to this kind of tripping.  Could serve.  How long?  How long will this happen.  That’s called perfect control.  Clarity, power.  If you could control when to have these.  In the evening would be ideal.  I don’t think it will happen like that.  For some reason. 

Maybe do some writing – if you’re hopeless and lost.  Could be, because you’re a ~writer.  Who develops the habit of not writing.  I would think that was a recipe for suffering.  That’s just what I would think.  Detail, colorfulness.  The totality of what your brain / system is doing cannot be reduced to one term, “rolling”…  That would be an over-reaction.  You D-compensate.  David-compensate.  I don’t know, if your name didn’t start with a D.  What it would be like.  How do you compensate for things?  What kind of humor do we have access to?  “The key location is the toilet.  Because that’s where it all goes down.”  Toilet jokes, for a stand-up comedian.  I’m not certain.  I’m not sure.  How it would go.  You just like to write.  The cool content will arise, if you give it time.  You might have to get some loop / tic’s going.  It might not be pure alpha.  You might ~have to tic.  Just as a writer.  To be a writer.  What you’ve considered.  COA.  You released it.  Then took it down.  But it was up for a little while.  Someone could be reading that.  As you would figure / consider.  What we do, what we compose.  Do you want to go for a walk?  Without the dog.  The dog’s not a big walker, anymore.  How you’d suppose.  Gaining weight.  Gaining pounds.  Have to start sometime, with the activity / exercise.  Unless you want to blow up into a fatbody.  I don’t think you ~do want that.  That’s just what I figure / suppose.

As it so happens, you love to write.  Not always the case, with everybody.  I guess you’re lucky.  Not everyone would have made it this far.  In the riptide, I collided into you.  You’re with me always.  Different things.  As you could be considering.  You see him cry today.  You’ll let him cry tomorrow.  He said.  He said everything matters.  I thought he was quoted as..  This is what you figure, how you control.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  That’s a lot of writing you’ve done, are doing, will do.  One could get the idea.  As you could consider it to have happened.  Their parents wonder.  Would wonder.  God?  Code name, David.  If god could see me now.  Looking into points, this closely.  Direct access.  That’s what the voices would have to have.  Do they know what you’re thinking?  Can they see your problems?  It doesn’t matter, I’m just wondering, for myself.  If the voices are real.  I sort of dip down into a lower level of consciousness, where I can hear them.  It’s not a normal level.  At that level.  Ah, counting.  A final accounting.  Is reached.  The inevitable.  What happens, all night.

What you could be doing.  If you wanted to.  Transferring your child self, to you now.  Structures of Consciousness.  What would your child self think, given this freedom and power?  That’s what you have to consider / suppose.  If you really want to judge your life, by its historical development.  You have to have perspective.  Your formation, where you came from.  If you ignore this, the historical aspect, you are going blindly.  This is what I consider.  What I suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Almost what that would be like.  If I couldn’t write, due to tendon problems.  Possible.  I guess I’d have to find another activity.  What we consider / suppose.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I guess.  In a way.  Certainly not wanting to support Bill’s racism and stupidity.  Should maybe unfollow him.  So I don’t have to see it.  At least that would give me some peace of mind.  Maybe unfollow more people.  Use FB as more of an ~output device, than an input device.  Broadcast on it, but don’t review everyone else’s shit.  That would cut down on the entertainment value of it, though.  What we consider.  As we were to.  If we were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Not everyone wants to be a writer.  If everyone wanted, there would be an insane level of competition.  There ~is an insane level, already.  Do you think what you’re doing is common?  Could it be?  Could this kind of intensity.  Your eyes moving around in a quasi-random way.  Now that you’ve learned to enjoy it.  Or realized it was the mind state you were always curious about.  ~How did that feel, exactly, to be insane?  That’s what I continue to wonder.  It’s my goal.  To relive the insanity.  You can’t have an experience, until you can have it again.  If you’re here.  Crying.  Sometimes crying is appropriate.  The first tear I’ve shed in quite some time.  Listen to your voice recordings, listen to the jaw disorder.  You can hear it.  The pain, that talking causes you.  I guess.  Unless I’m imagining it.  Unless it isn’t that bad.  Yes, you can’t be an orator.  But that is a far cry from being totally mute.  You can speak a fair amount.  You just have to choose your moments.  Don’t speak indiscriminately.  This is what you think.  Pathology of thought and behavior.  It doesn’t really matter – I’m just curious, for myself.  What that would be like.  To talk to someone hearing voices.  Periodically.  Hard to believe.  Believe it, or not.  Certain things.  Could seem.  Like loaded terms.  What’s the translation of that?  Of “exactly”, of “always”, of “everyone”?  Do you have codes?  Broken into this place?  Broken the codes?  Solved the problem of this place?  It’s like a character.  She has been evaluating you.  Noticing you.  All your behavior.  Whether or not that’s good.  I thought you ~wanted connection.  I thought you wanted people to look closely at your work… You want.  You won.  What you could consider.

As it would.  As you would.  Writing without translation.  Writing direct.  Direct to the source.  Looking “straight into” the source.  The source of many of my fantasies.  I never knew what it would be like to have direct access to her.  It’s not easy.  You’d think it would be easier.  Having your source, your fantasy, right there.  Doesn’t work like that.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Maybe next time.  Maybe I’ll figure it out next time.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  You don’t have to “hook up” at the Stammtisch.  You can simply gain familiarity with some German speakers, and know that the event will repeat every two weeks.  You don’t have to go nuclear, first meeting.  If you ~do meet a woman, good.  But don’t pressure it.  Don’t press the matter.  What do you write about?  How do you make money?  Where are you from?  Different things, you could have been looking into, the whole time.  This is like what ~always happens.  Everyone would be calling Resolve, all the time.  If they could just solve your problems.  Certain types of problems.  I’m not so sure I want the FB’s to go away.  If I can relax, they can be a trip.  They can be pretty far out, amazing.  The pressure.  The visual, cognitive pressure on me.  During those times.  If it were truly random, that would be chaos.  It must not be random.  There must be a method, to the madness.  I don’t know how much German I have to speak.  I don’t have much.  Maybe that’s the point.  Just to have fun with it.  If you can have fun with someone like Gerd.  On that level.  Think of how fun a skillful speaker would be..!  You’ll love it..!  You just have to go.  To take your body to the meeting, and your spirit will follow.  That’s what they say.  Different things you could be into.  Almost exactly (god).  God would know exactly what this is like.  How insane you think it feels.  How insane it is.  To be listening to these voices.  Made just for you.  David signs.  Signs of David.  Code name David.  Different things.  You could have going on.  You could be looking into.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

It keeps going.  Collide with you, in the riptide.  You’re with me always.  Different modes.  I’ve keyed into.  Over the years.  The time.  I’ve been given the gift of time.  I’ve been given time to read and write, and live.  Not everyone gets gifts like this.  I would say it’s atypical.  What you have going on.  Non-Janovian primals.  Why do you call them “primals”?  They’re living slash reliving experiences.  LSD flashbacks.  But I’m not on acid.  It’s a natural phenomenon.  It’s psychological, not narcotics-related.  I think they’re transformative.  Mental transformation, mind altering.  Why would you want to alter the mind?  Why would you want to reprogram the world?  That is your gamble.  That you’ll be able to change the world.  If not, better watch out.  You asked for it.  Unless the world can change.  Unless you can do it.  You had to make your writing ~that powerful.  That it would reprogram culture.  I guess not everyone would do this.  Even writers.  Not every writer might do this.  They’re ultra-competitive.  They’d like to see if you can succeed.  What you’d succeed at.  There is no alternative.  For someone who is like this.  You had to be the only, the most.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Things you may have done wrong.  Wrongs.  Injustice.  Getting away with murder.  Betrayal.  Betraying your love.  What you might have done.  Perhaps.  It would be hard to know, unless you asked her today.  How her life was affected by that.  That’s the kind of intervention / effect I can have into people’s lives.  If you’d want that.  If god would want a world like that.  In the world.  What kind of world?  Thought and behavior-pathology.  Of course, in this kind of world, there will be some funny business.  Some strange things.  It’s only fair.  It makes sense.  In this kind of world, that you’d have some twisted doings.  Not your fault.  You didn’t sign up for this problem.  It was kind of given to you.  What you would suppose.  Certain things hard to talk about?  With certain people?  Coded language.  If the codes keep changing, in a schizophrenic household.  Things start to seem random.  If the codes kept changing.  You’d let us know.  You’re letting us know.  What that’s like.  No one has done this.  You seem to be alone.  What we consider / suppose.  What does your father think of this?  “My dad says it’s atypical.”  You’ll probably find it to be atypical.  What we have going on.  Not if you haven’t done acid for years.  Hard to explain.  Something I did when crazy?  The way I responded to tripping?  To psychosis?  The falling primals?  What would ~that do to you?  Hard to say. 

What you’d do.  What you’d consider.  You like to write.  You’re a writer.  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  That’s what you do.  Like it, or not.  Believe it, or not.  As you’d figure, as you’d consider.  Going for a walk.  This is just the beginning.  Walking is the most profound exercise a human being can do.  This is just the beginning – to getting back in shape.  Time to walk.  Time to do more.  Don’t want to be gaining the pounds.  Already too heavy.  This is what happens, what you’d suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Your life.  “It”?  Did you really expect to become It?  And you wanted this?  To be the only, most, first?  Is that what you could have been going for?  And now you’re not so sure – taking the books down.  From “falling” to “flying”?  I guess that’s what I decided.  What I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you do.  What you guess.  I could write newspaper stories?  Too radical for the newspaper.  They’d never publish me.  What we’re thinking of.  The unspoken yes.  As that would go.  As that would happen.  I have a lot of content up there.  For the peeps.  If they want.  What the peeps might want.  As that would go.  As you would figure.

Different things you could have going on.  Atypical.  Not years after you’ve done the drug.  Different things.  It’s all connected.  Connecting it all, in your imaginary coded scheme of life.  Maybe it has to do with your scheme..  The philosophy you’ve developed..  In terms of how you’d be able to connect everything together.  God?  Different things.  Almost like.  It’s almost like, you could be totally crazy.  It must almost be like.  You’re completely crazy.  For looking this closely into points, like the point of what a mind does when tripping.  Is it philosophy?  Is your philosophy causing the FB’s?  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  Things.  You could be considering.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you figure / consider.  As you write, now.  This, now, here, again.  What were you going to do?  Learn some German?  Go to the dentist?  Fun stuff.  I only do fun stuff.  Having fun is neurotic.  What is connected in your worldview, in your philosophy.  The connections you’ve been able to make.  To your eyes rolling.  “Rolling your eyes.”  Taking chances with your eyes.  Rolling the dice.  To “die” – to “take your chances”… Would things be different, if I didn’t know all these formulas?  If I didn’t know how everything connects?  Would the FB’s be different?  Maybe.  But I can’t seem to forget about what I know.  That doesn’t seem to be an option.  Currently.  I guess.  I would just suppose.  Writing in the morning?  I thought he was quoted in saying he didn’t do that?  I guess you end up going against some of his quotes.  Classical music?  This is how it would go.  How it does go.  Actually, how it goes.  This is how I roll.  Seems like no matter how well I’ve rationalized or analyzed, when a FB hits, it’s just as difficult to deal with.  Certain points.  What you could be doing.  Certainly, were known to be doing.  Certainly, admitted to have done.  Public, online.  Maybe not the best strategy, for peace of mind.  If you wanted peace of mind.  Then.  Then I would.  I would not post your journals online, and then engage in a global advertising campaign.  If.  A big “if”…  If I wanted peace of mind.  But if I wanted to become a ~writer, maybe I would do this.  The writer of the world.  The new world to come.  Creation of a world.  Comes from schizophrenia.  That’s the thing.  If you were involved in the creation of a new world.  If you were involved in schizophrenia.  Then.  I would consider.  I would figure.  Depends how “bad” it gets.  Later.  It’s been okay so far.  But later, I worry about upcoming conditions.  Seem to cause me a bit of worry.  Flashing forward to all the future FB’s.  Might cause me some anxiety.  As.  Such as.  Such as god.  Knowing exactly what was happening.  It’s not actually “relaxing”… You’re actively engaged with the energy.  There is active participation with the “insane” seeming process.  You’re not relaxing.  It’s a tension, it’s active.  To be able to enjoy the tripping.

Writing actually ~solves problems for me, now.  At first, it was painful.  A struggle.  Maybe a sign of how important my project would turn out to be.  I guess you don’t know, unless you find out.  What a writer will become.  Primal?  Are you having a primal experience?  You’re not supposed to be stuck, you should be able to come out of them, if you want.  I guess it depends on the primal.  On what you were doing to your mind.  The power of the alteration.  If you signed up for the most potent alteration.  Maybe that’s how crazy it will feel.  To you.  “It” seems.  To be “it”…  A pressure on your head.  Mental pressure?  Physiological pressure?  A “buzz” – or as close to a buzz as I can get.  What we consider / figure.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Depending on what you can “handle”..  The falling might not have been the best decision.  The voices recommended it.  The Primal therapists.  Keeping your eyes fixed.  I was desperate – I’d do ~anything.  That’s how serious my conditioning was.  I needed to do ~anything possible, to break it.  That’s what it seemed like.  Insane, psychotic.  How was that?  To believe that?  How did that go?  I’m curious, how you could have believed some of these things.  God?  How would that work?  Would you expect to be god, dreaming the world?  The alpha hypothesis.  Alpha/x/omega thinking.  X world.  The most brilliant realization.  The most bountiful realization.  As you’d suppose.  As you’d configure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Craig promising you a salary for making band videos down south.  Craig.  Thanking you for the lyrics ideas you gave him.  This is how that would go.  How would that go?  How ~exactly?  God.  Then you’d figure.  Some of your magic.  Writing into the philosophy channel.  Even with no one listening.  Just as expression, just as practice.  Knowing someone ~could be listening.  Do they think you’re god?  Wouldn’t “they” know, already, always?  If that were true?  You were dreaming the world?  Everyone, your whole “dream”, would know.  I think.  That’s why it’s kind of strange.  Odd.  How things would happen.  Would seem to happen.  Still afraid of losing housing?  Would god want that to happen?  I don’t think you know ~what Baeka would let happen.  In this kind of world.  Free ride?  Forever?  How realistic is that?  Depending what you’ve been freely giving the world.  Free.  “You’re not free.”  Equals “you cost money”?  I guess.  I don’t really know.  I could “ride”… Ride the epiphenomenal trip.  Trip.  It’s a sort of perspective shift.  Instead of struggling, trying, stressing.  Ride, sail, coast, dream.  A perspective shift.  If you’re able to.  If you could do it.  If anyone could do it.  X world.  Alpha is wrong.  This ~could be the alpha world.  Probably not.  Just given the probabilities.  It’s probably not alpha.  It’s x.  That’s just what I figure.  Maybe I’m ~not god, dreaming the world.  God could still be interested in this.  For what’s happening.  You won.  Things you like to repeat to yourself.  You want.  I thought you ~wanted to trip?  Every other day?  I thought that’s what you’d be into..  Different ideas.  Of tripping.  Of if you’d want to trip.  Then.  Then I would think, that your current condition is “ideal”…  You ~want to trip.  You ~want to be “it”… Don’t you?  Isn’t that what you were thinking?  Should it matter, what you ~were thinking?  What about now, that you know?  Now that you know what tripping involves?  Maybe the choice can only be made with knowledge.  You signed up for you-knew-not-what.  That’s not an actual conscious choice, if you don’t know.  You didn’t know what would happen.  Falling.  You hoped you could get fixed.  That was the main point / hope / goal.  Apart from that, you wanted to be a guitar rock star.  If you think that’s possible.  Or that was possible.  If that was possible, ever.  Given the competition.  You thought your taste would be the differentiating factor.  Not necessarily your skill.  But your pure musical taste.

Each motion uses different nerve pathways in the brain.  I’ve reprogrammed my brain, not to play kit.  Only hand-drums.  This is what would happen.  Unspeakable.  Unspoken.  It is ~that shameful.  That I will suppress its history.  Suppress the history of solipsism.  That is the level I’m working on.  I might mention it, in Voice and Voices.  Might not.  I want to write a clean, decent book.  What we consider.  How I suppose.  Journal?  Where does that get you?  It provides a basis, a seed.  Which you can then edit, work on, craft into a nice stream of consciousness work.  If we were to.  As we were to.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What you’re comfortable talking about.  Decisions you made.  Things you did.  Tormented by images.  Different things.  You’d have to be in total control of the document.  To make it possibly popular-level.  It’s going to have to be a consciously crafted document.  If it’s possible.  For you.  After what you’ve done, written.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Slash Distinctions

 

 

If you are a writer.  Makes sense, that you’d want to write.  Just what I think.  What I suppose.  As it goes.  Seventy-five different memories?  That you cycle through?  Is that all consciousness is?  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  What I’d write about.  What is a flashback all “about”?  Things happening only once?  Too much time spent on a single problem?  Embarrassment over things you’ve put online?  Transgressive texts / films?  What you do, what you consider.  As it would happen, as you would suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  How that would look, how that would seem.  If you are the one scanning, and you’re scanning yourself, wouldn’t that cause a feedback cycle / loop?  Infinite feedback loop?  If you’re the one scanning and being scanned?  How does that work?  Or don’t we know how consciousness works..  We have no clue.  Like something my Mom said once.  Strange.  Odd.  Who would know this.  If it were all in your imagination.  I don’t think it ~is all in my imagination.  Not a solipsist.  Maybe a source/channel.  That’s possible.  What you’d figure / consider.  Able to start a revolution?  Is that what God would be interested in?  God ~has wealth.  God doesn’t need to be a wealthy human.  God ~created the universe.  He doesn’t need to be a rich person in the world.  More interested in becoming a ~true person.

Some of the points.  They claim.  As.  Such as.  God.  I don’t think that could be correct.  Certain problems.  Structural, chronic time and space-based problems.  A certain surgery, that only children of doctors can afford.  Do you need brain surgery?  Certain places, designed specifically, with someone like you in mind?  Places.  Always.  Everyone, all the time.  Paranoid that he would drill into the wrong tooth.  Jerked.  It.  Seems.  It can suddenly seem.  Learning to relax, in the middle of this?  “This”?  What exactly could be happening?  A certain point, in a schizophrenic’s development.  Certain points.  Wouldn’t they all be certain points?  If we’re talking about schizophrenic development?  The creation of a new world.  Would need interpreters.  Some.  Some of these people, would not need interpreters.  For such a point.  Seems like.  If you were scanning for certain high points.  You would have found some by now.  Seems.  It could seem.  As closely as they were looking into your eyes.  Could they have almost missed it?  I don’t think that could be correct.  I can’t be god.  I wasn’t even clever enough to program computers.  Tic’s, tricks.  The mirror trick – “It’s like looking in a mirror”, or “when you’ve forgotten how to relax, as this is happening to you.”  Looking in the mirror, of life.  Such as.  What everyone would know, all the time.  If your site explodes.  “Site”, explodes.  Be inside, for this?  Who’s side are you on?  Suicidal Ideation?  Such as.  What could cause you to want to kill yourself.  Why you might want to do that.  On the verge.  The edge, of your site exploding.  And getting you some results.  A kind of test of friendship.  See if they can “understand” your work.  Stand under.  The weight.  The crushing weight.  See if they want to explode, along with you.  The clinic?  What you’ve let them know?  Confessed to?  It seems.  If you were looking into getting help with certain voices.  You could be always looking into certain things.  The schizophrenic situation, you grew up in.  Still have structural problems.  I’m sorry, I should have trusted you.  I got paranoid that you were going to drill into the wrong tooth, at that moment, and I jerked.  I don’t think you need it, I can give you more anesthetic.  What this could be about.  I’m here, it’s up to you guys.  Would they do that on the same day?  I guess they would.  Depending.  On what you could be said to be getting into.  Some of the conditions.  You were always getting into.  It’s not actually relaxation.  To respond to the voices.  Not relaxing.  It’s something else.  Schizophrenic. 

What it might.  Look like.  You were getting into.  What kind of tripping.  Obviously wrong voices.  A thousand connected per neuron?  I don’t think you could have set that up.  I thought I was god.  The voices sounded like God would sound.  If god chose to speak to you.  For that, and other reasons.  I didn’t find the world plausible.  I didn’t think this sort of set up was plausible.  I thought it was too good, and too bad, to be true.  Tricks that would help you.  If you thought you were the only being.  Looking in a dream mirror of a world.  How would that go?  Exactly how?  I guess this way.  Good for telling certain people, about certain conditions.  Need continual help? 

What you’d have to consider / suppose.  I guess.  Smell hallucination, just as FB was beginning.  Mirror sign.  Like you forgot how to relax, in the middle of this happening.  Schizophrenic.  Certain points in your development.  Wouldn’t ~everyone think that, all the time?  That they had reached a “certain point”..?  I guess.  Hard to say.  If ~everyone had your link, all the time.  What you’re setting up.  As far as you’d explode.  As far as some of these things might happen.  Interest, in your sites.  Why would people be interested?  If you had produced compelling material.  Content.  For the world.  I guess.  I ~thought I did.  I could be mistaken.  That might not be correct.  What a writer would be looking for.  “Only writers would be interested in writing like this.”  What you consider / suppose.  Maybe you are writing for writers..!  Your points / project, is to turn ~writers on to a different way of thinking.  You really only care about writers, and maybe readers.  Although your dentist said he doesn’t like books.  How we suppose.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  You could be supposing / imagining.  As you write.  Write your days away.  You begin to “get it”… The point.  How they could have missed it.  “We almost missed it.”  Such as, who you were pretending to think you were – god.  That can’t be correct.  You couldn’t even program computers.  Well, I guess.  I would suppose.  If you thought your tooth was loose, and you didn’t mention it.  Not worth mentioning.  An unsolvable problem.  Can’t be addressed.  What you figure / suppose.  I guess.  What about the meetup tomorrow?  I’ll see how I feel.  I’ve been looking forward to it.  Some people who might be into what I’m into.  That’s what you figure / suppose.  You’d ~want to meet people into “deutsch lernen” (German learning).  Like you.

As you’d see, as you’d consider.  A shower will be an experience.  What you have going on.  As it would happen.  You get to.  “You won”… Obviously no victory is ~absolute.  You will die.  That will be considered a kind of a loss.  When that happens.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  No guitar any more.  Just singing and composing.  When I say “compose” I don’t mean write, I mean invent in my imagination.  Things.  German speakers.  Who want to talk to you.  Because of who you are.  And what you know.  Will want to visit your site.  Will want to see what you’re all about.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Is that really the link you’re giving people?  I guess so.  If you wanted them to find out.  To realize.  What would need to happen.  As I.  If I.  As I should, if I should.  I guess I was a jerk, for the dentist.  Nothing new.  Got paranoid he was going to drill into the wrong tooth.  Why would he do that?  Should I really have to be afraid of things like that?  Only a lip burn done.  No harm done.  No big harm.  What you consider.  What you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.

As it would go.  As you would consider.  Different tic’s.  Meaningless chains of words.  I guess they’re not so meaningless, if you want to translate them into German.  Is there reality?  What is the world?  Is anything possible?  I guess.  I guess lots of stuff is possible.  If you were going to.  As you were going to.  I guess.  It seems.  The thing is..  What we’d like to consider, as we listen to White Noise.  I don’t have to like everything.  That happens.  What’s “happening”?  To you, now, here, this, again?  Do you have any semblance of subjectivity?  If you can’t write like DeLillo.  Then I guess.  You’d have to.  Figure out how to write your own stuff.  If.  A big “if”… What you have going on.  I guess.  Certain conditions.  You were going to relax for.  With.  See how you feel, tomorrow.  If you’re up to it.  To meeting some German speakers.  Why wouldn’t you want to do that?  You don’t even have to know German.  There will be people there who are novices.  You will not be the least skilled.  The whole spectrum will be there.  That is what you can tell yourself.  As you try to give yourself courage.  To go to a meetup.  How can it be bad? 

You get to write with yourself.  Enough of the chat, and you realize.  Your self.  What chatters can really tell you.  Ask you.  You can do just fine on your own.  There is some sense of connection, in chat.  But as a writer you have to connect with your true readers, ultimately.  Not just whoever characters are in the room at the moment.  Writing is about history, about universals.  You are going for ~all time.  For ~ever.  Never want to experience something like that again.  Not much choice, in what I get to experience.  Anymore.  In the current condition.  Things you could have been looking into.  What you would be in line to write.  The creation of a new world, is what culture has to ultimately be going for, in its more radical forms.  What you can write.  What you can decide.  As it would go.  Dialectical Transformation, Diametric Therapy.  The pressure you can feel.  Like a buzz.  Like what you always wanted from pot.  But now can get naturally.  Maybe I ~wanted flashbacks.  But I didn’t realize, how intense.  I couldn’t have realized.  Or ~could I have?  From LSD?  You ~get to experience tripping.  It is the true “voyage into inner space”, it’s “the reality trip.”  As Janov said, or wrote.  Not warning you sufficiently.  I guess you needed to find out.  With your ankyloglossia.  Or structural problem.  Could talk about sensitive topics.  Give the doctors a taste of what they could be in for.  If they go into psychiatry.  I guess.  Theunspokenyes.com.  Different things.  You could tell them.  About.  As it would go.  As you would tell them.  Have you done this before?

As it would go.  Before.  Has this happened before?  I don’t think so.  Different descriptions.  DeLillo’s description.  What you could be referencing.  In your thinking.  Would your thinking could be referring to.  Ultimately.  In essence, in fact.  If you were to.  As you were to.  In your writing.  What we have to do.  That’s what I’d tell myself.  If I could send myself a message, in the bad times.  From the good times to the bad times.  Pretty strong flashback on the way home from my dental appointment.  What’s that all about?  Like looking in a mirror.  Certain points in a schizophrenic’s development.  Could be.  As you might consider / suppose.  Things.  Almost as exactly.  Reid.  Jerking for him.  Paranoid jerk.  I guess.  Different things.  What we could consider.  Fine with me.  Music.  Instead of “no one is that good at drums,” the correct thing to say would have been “I’ve never heard a band this tight.”  About The Mars Volta’s Concertina.  Whose drums he thought were faked, they sounded so good.  Correct thing would have been.  When you consider / suppose.  As you would.  As you did.  It comes, it goes.  I guess.  What I have to do.  There will be some beginners there.  Also some native speakers.  It’s a chance to at least ~try.  If you’re not even going to ~try.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As it would happen.  As you would happen.  Things.  Your tic’s, in German.  You might have to go more slowly.  Auf Deutsch, (in German.)  You’re not used to it.  Yet.  Code words.  What your code words were for.  I thought I could ~enjoy a flashback.  If I’m in bed, I can enjoy them.  If I’m walking home from somewhere, it’s not so enjoyable.  My eyes rolling.  This is how I roll. 

That’s the thing.  In whatever language.  Your despair.  Obsession with suicide.  You know how bad it can get.  You might as well call Resolve, in the middle of an intense FB.  Give them something to notice / think about.  Because that’s how bad the SI gets, when you’re not in a FB.  The FB is just one symptom.  There are others.  The FB shows you how intense your problem is.  Will you be “scared straight” by Resolve?  Will they suggest a forensic examination of your apartment?  Is that how it works?  I guess that’s what I’m thinking.  As we were to.  If we were to.  What do you have going on?  Different talking?  Writing.  I thought you thought writing was cool.  Kind of drained of energy, today.  After last night.  Like I tripped yesterday.  Music can be really enjoyable to listen to, in a FB.  Like I’m tripping.  I guess I didn’t really know that.  I had to learn it again.  What we do, what we consider.  I don’t know.  A bad sign.  About what “type” you are.  For some reason.  What you’ve done.  It seems like.  It would seem.  They didn’t realize who they were “looking up to.”  I guess they realize now.  What you suppose.  What you consider.  I guess.  Maybe the tic’s have a reason.  You’re ~that guilty, that your language fragments and disintegrates.  You can’t say it straight.  It’s that bad.  You’re that bad.  You were that bad.  Maybe not still.  Not recently.  “We’ve all made mistakes.”  But some of mine were bad.  Unforgivable.  That memorable.  To resonate, throughout a girl’s whole life.  You’re supposing.  You don’t know.  Maybe she got over it quickly.  Maybe she has a sense of humor about it.  You don’t know.  That’s the thing.  Different things.  In this society.  Make you realize.  The intensity.  At least you didn’t ~rape anyone.  What that must feel like.  To have done.  Your guilt is different.  And because you got away with it, so cleanly.  No consequences, but for your conscience.  What we consider.  How we figure.  Who you’d tell this to.  Who you’d want to tell this stuff.  I guess.  Maybe hold onto COA.  Don’t publish it right away.  Really go over it and decide what to include.  If it will be your first book.  Close but no cigar.  What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?  You’re good.  I’d rather not say.  I got away with it.  It probably had resonant effects in her life.  Not painful.  Just embarrassing.  What you consider.  How you figure.

How interesting things can get, for you.  As you.  What you were interested in relaxing in the middle of.  As it would happen.  As you would consider.  I guess – I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you’d have to consider.  As you’d figure.  Things that might become apparent, the more “flashbacks” you deal with (avoid).  If you’re that sensitive to them, their presence might be a sign “it’s primal time”… If you’re ~that certain, of when they begin – maybe you should certainly “ask for help”… Immediately.  As soon as possible.  That’s what I’m thinking now, after seeing how bad things can get.  I used to be able to do things.  As strange as life is.  For you.  As brilliant as the world picture is.  Depending on what you’re doing.  Responding to.  As I would imagine.  As I would suppose.  Flashback avoidance.  If possible.  I didn’t always have that attitude.  I thought they might be “survivable”… But really, they just get worse.  You can’t survive them comfortably.  Now that you realize this.  As you’ve realized.  As you have supposed.  Beauty is not just “material” – it is ~ideal – there is a spiritual component to it.  If a girl ~can be beautiful, she ~should be.  This may be unfair to boys.  Boys have several advantages though.  Access to beautiful girls, being one of them.  What you consider.  As you’d suppose.  Not going to put that on Facebook.  Just not interested in that kind of exposure.  At the moment.  More of a fantasy.  More a fantasy of what I’d post. 

What you do.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don't know -- not for sure.  I have some tic’s that I resort to.  Which I resort to?  Some things going on.  If you figure.  If you consider.  Then.  Then I would suppose.  Having come this far.  However far you’ve come.  To “here”… Depends where you think “here” is..  This is what we figure.  What we consider.  How insane.  To be perfectly tripping, at home, safe and comfortable.  Become a recluse.  Never do activities.  Never go out.  Too risky.  I took a risk New Year’s Eve, with Godfried.  Turned out well, until we get back to my apartment and I’m paranoid about him fucking with my stuff.  Reminding me of why I avoided those fellas in the first place.  Sometimes we need reminders.  Drives like a dick.  How you could be going, again.  Be for.  Sorry, think I sent you this before.  Repetitions.  What the conditions allow.  The clarity, of “certain conditions”… Which have been helpful, in getting me to realize.  The intensity.  Which I decided to take down.  Helpful.  They can be helpful.  I get to taste insanity / schizophrenia every few days.  That’s a rare treat.  That’s unusual.  Not many writers would have access like this.  You seem to be the only one.  There are no rules.  In your brain.  For your brain.  Anything can happen.  What we’d consider.  How we’d suppose.  If we were to.  As we were to.  Disguised Thought?  Brandom puts his home address and phone number on his webpage.  It’s something a philosopher might do.

What you figure.  Almost.  You could almost compose a masterpiece.  Like.  Written about “that”?  I guess I did.  For a certain “phase”… Life is full of phases.  What you’d consider.  How you’d consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  Handsome gentlemen.  “I didn’t know you were gay.”  “I’m not.  I just appreciate handsome gentlemen.”  Janov: plagued by homosexual fantasies.  Janov’s voice.  When you were crazy.  Giving you Primal Therapy.  Causing you to “fall”… Whatever that was.  Brain swirling around.  Flashbacks to this day.  Maybe schizophrenia is a gift.  Dual-phase.  Better than nothing.  Better than having mono-phase, which you could be in total recovery.  You still get to taste.  Still get to taste what psychosis is like.  I think that’s valuable, for a writer.  Lucidly insane.  Not a very common condition.  I would think. 

What we consider.  What we contemplate.  Writing..!  You get to do it..!  Hard to believe, you’ve made it to here.  Finally.  You finally “get it”… What it means, to fall in love, with your family.  As one would consider.  If one would consider.  As it happens.  As you consider.  I didn’t know Ho-Sook was gay… Does he have a partner?  Probably boyfriends, male friends.  I remember when we went to Oakland, and he tried to get a job at The O.  From rags to riches.  He did grow up in Mt. Lebanon.  That doesn’t guarantee a job.  What did he respond to that?  “He didn’t comment on that.”  This is what happens.  How you consider.  What it would seem like.  “It” must seem like something.  Even if you are psychotic, it would “seem” a certain way.  That’s really the only thing a psychotic ~can be sure of – how things ~seem.  She was a supermodel.  Supermodel who plays guitar, that’s a perfect 10..  This is what happens.  How we consider.  How we create.  Different things.  I listen to Carla Bruni, this French singer.  Pretty good lyrics, popular type (she plays guitar)..  This is what I look into.  How it would go.  How it ~does go.  If you were to consider.  What could be happening at this stage of the game. 

As you were to.  If you were to.  It’s good to know.  Better that the landlord just came out and told you that they won’t cooperate.  Fuck this place.  Time to move.  Looking this far into it.  The freedom you were so interested in.  Freedom to have seen, to see.  You’re exposed.  They can see who you are?  Is that really true?  Just by one look in your eyes?  As you scan?  They scan you scanning.  In this relationship, extraordinarily sensitive measurements can be taken.  It’s like a test.  Intelligence test, imagination test, craziness test.  How you would have to be rolling.  This is how I roll.  Slash distinctions.  That everyone all the time.  What you’ve considered.  If you were going to explode.  How that would work.  How you would suppose.  Nice type of explosion?  Are there nice types?  What “type” of explosion were you talking about?  What’s happening here?  What are we in the midst of?  What is happening.  People can see you.  Scan you.  You should be more used to being scanned, by now.  What a scan can determine.  If that’s possible.  To just read that off from someone’s eyes.  To just look in someone’s eyes, and tell what they have looked “into”… Looking into people’s eyes.  Ashamed of looking into everyone’s eyes?  Ashamed of thinking you were God – you created everything?  What we have to determine.  How we have to suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  As long as you live here, this will keep happening.  I don’t know if there’s a solution.  Move home?  Let Section 8 fall away?  What you were thinking.  What you were doing.  Move to another Section 8 apartment?  One with a good landlord?  I guess that’s the ultimate goal.  To achieve some kind of stability.  Where you don’t have to constantly worry.  What we figure, what we suppose.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.

What?  Was?  What do you do?  What do you consider?  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would go.  You like to write.  You’re becoming a “writer”… Whatever that means.  Anyone who claims to be a writer, is a writer.  If you’ve claimed to have written TUY.  To have put that together.  Then, it would seem.  It would seem that you ~are a bit of a writer.


 

 

 

 

 

Lost and Found

 

 

It becomes different.  It becomes.  What you could possibly have going on.  If you were becoming a writer.  I think that’s what you ~want.  (Ultimately.  In the honest truth.)  You ~want to become a writer.  You might not want to comment on your books.  Specific books.  Like Heidegger?  Who refused to comment on his commitments?  Maybe you don’t have to be like ~any writer.  Pynchon, a hiding writer. 

What you would ~ultimately want.  To become a writer.  In this world?  In ~any world?  Isn’t that the ultimate?  What you expect, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Why people scan.  “Why”… Because that’s what people do.  That’s life.  External visual scans, versus internal audio scans.  Anything you can think of to reduce your suffering during a FB.  If that’s possible.  Do you have any choice?  Does ~anyone have any choice?  As it would go.  If you keep doing certain things.  I think if you wanted to write, you’d be able to figure out how to do it.  Anatole sounds worn down.  Whether from drug usage, or work.  Either one could wear you down.  Life.  People’s lives.  Decide to live.  Live to be in your eighties.  If Jimi Hendrix would have decided to live.  Then he’d still be alive.  He would have truly been able to make some good music.  He decided not to live.  A bad sign.  For his music.  Doesn’t speak well of his music.  The quality.  When you choose to die, it kind of invalidates your work.  If you commit suicide.  What would that say about your theory / therapy?  It wouldn’t be a good commentary.  Open Theory.  I think that’s finally my genre.  Open theory.  Open to the possibilities of fiction.  What you’d figure.  As you’d figure.  I think.  If I were to.  Then it would be almost exactly like.  If you turn off the feed.  You may be able to key into certain potentialities.  Almost exactly like what I’ve discovered before.  Introduced to this type of work?  Again?

Starting to push it.  To push the writing.  To see how much I can write.  Even if my wrists hurt a bit.  Seeing if I can go farther.  To see.  To understand.  I can’t even comprehend some of McLaughlin’s music.  Too complex.  I’d never be able to play music like that – I can hardly cognize it, recognize it.  It’s so fast.  This is what happens.  You don’t ~have to play like McLaughlin.  He already did that.  You just have to play like DCB.  Whatever that means.  If you were to.  As you were to.  As it would happen / go.  What do you have to write?  Write about having nothing to say.  That is the best cure for writers’ block.  “I have nothing to say.”  Which is wrong, of course.  You can figure out something to say.  You may have a lot to say.  As DCB?  The man who wrote h/s/ns/id/coa?  What would ~he have to say?  Having written all that?  How would ~he feel?  Exactly how this must feel.  To have rolled your eyes.  Taken chances with your eyes.  If that’s the analogy / connection.  If that’s what it means to “roll the dice”.  Maybe you’ve programmed yourself.  Maybe you’ve brought the condition upon yourself.  By connecting everything with rhymes and wordplay.  Everything means you’re wrong.  Bad.  You messed up so badly, that you scored a point for the other side.  That’s what I think, sometimes.  Other times, I’m just fine.  It’s dual-phase schizophrenia.  Dual-stage.  There are two stages to it.  What you’d figure.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I’d just suppose.  What you expect.  Knowing.  Knowing that.  Having written that.  Having understood what it’s like to write that.  I guess.  Then.  Then it would feel.  Then it would feel like.  I guess.  What’s in store for you.  As you begin.  Everyone wants to know.  Wouldn’t everyone call Resolve, all the time?  If you could just call, to avert a crisis?  Maybe only the mentally ill have this kind of crisis.  Hard to say, what they would do, if you called them in a FB.  Hard to say.  What anyone could do for you.  Maybe they can’t help you.  Maybe this is your condition.  Educational.  You get to lucidly trip.  To sanely be psychotic, every other day.  It’s ideal.  For a writer?  Of course he’d want to trip, to be psychotic.  To, in other words, stretch the bounds of consciousness.  You wouldn’t ~want pure “normal” consciousness, if you were an “open” writer.  You would want to find out what that’s like.  As long as you’re safe.  How warm it would feel with a plastic bag over my head.  How comfortable that would be, to take the final out.  How close I come to suicide.  That’s also educational.  To see how close you can come.  And not do it.  Never do it.  Just imagine.  I’d just like to imagine dying.  Wouldn’t want to actually ~die.  You would go to hell.  That makes perfect sense.  If you said no to life.  If you embraced death.  Then you would go to hell.  It would be a fitting compensation, for saying no to life.  Makes sense.  This is what happens.  What you’d suppose.

What you’d do.  As you’d do it.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Things.  Understanding German.  What we do.  What we consider.  I guess.  What did you learn today?  It might not be relaxing in the hospital?  Borderline conditions (your pillow)?  A borderline solution, for a borderline problem.  With this going on.  Relax into points not very relaxing.  Linked to.  It’s all about this link I was broadcasting.  Tomorrow.  What could this be about?  It..?  Channeling God?  It’s getting hard to pretend that’s not what I’m doing.  It can be very difficult.  What’s happening.  How crazy.  Can’t function normally, sometimes.  Beyond normal levels.  Of function.

As you would.  If you would.  Things going on.  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  That’s what I seem to be into.  To date.  I should repeat that to myself, more often.  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  It’s what I’m up to. 

As you would.  As it could.  Different things happening.  It would be like.  If in the case of.  Verbal fragments.  Your writing is too fragmentary.  Too rambling.  I like a nice tight structure.  I like an exquisitely articulated tone and style.  Your stuff doesn’t do it.  It’s too rambling.  But this is the whole point… I don’t ~want a structure, which would pretend to have made sense of the world.  The world doesn’t make sense.  Life doesn’t make sense.  To pretend it does is the writer’s crime.  Fooling the young and the searching minds.  Into believing they have found something.  Really, they’ve usually found nothing.  Unless they’re reading Adorno or DeLillo.  Then I would count that as having found something.  Or me.  If they’re reading DCB.  DCB wanted to write stuff powerful enough to “break through the barrier” and become known for all time.  What you figure.  How you consider.  If you wanted to break through the barrier.  What you’d have to do.  With the interweb.  How you’d have to promote your work.  How you’d have to give it freely.  (At first.  You can sell books eventually, in this model.)  It’s helpful to speak rationally to yourself.  I like reading it later.  What my rational thoughts on the matter were.  I like listening to my own voice.  Because of who I am, of what I know.  It is easy to get distracted by my goofy tones of voice, and miss the message.  But if you listen for the message…  Anatole having me as an older brother, growing up.  Having me, with the fuck-mouth-brain voice and attitude.  Apparently he got what he needed to get, out of the experience.  Enough to do the job, the work.  Not everyone is successful, especially with creative stuff.  The world resists hooking creative people up.  “I was asked to do sound.  I didn’t seek it out.”  I was asked to become a writer?  I didn’t seek it out?  I never considered it when young, because of its verbal nature.  I knew that as I couldn’t talk right, I probably wouldn’t be able to write well.  VA Tech and drug abuse led to some delusions, thinking I was going to become an English instructor or writer.  With the FM…  Hard to imagine.  What my mental state must have been like.  Or – all too easy to imagine, what my mental state must have been like.  A common, rudimentary condition.  The condition of ignorance and delusion.  Sexual dysfunction.  Mental pathology.  Drug addiction.  Mongerhood, mongerism.  What I was into.  For a few years there.  I don’t feel like I ~wasted years.  I was learning the whole time.  I don’t think any of it has been a waste.  At Barnaby’s hole.  I was becoming a writer.  I was writing.  I can’t say it was a waste.  Now, there could have been more ideal ways to spend countless nights.  I could have had a more ideal experience.  But sometimes a trial by fire is what you get.  The hole was a trial.  The spot.  I survived it.  On the other end, though with LSD flashbacks.  I’m sorry to hear that.  I’ve stopped doing all activities.  I get burned with flashbacks.  New Year’s Eve, I took a chance.  I took a risk.  It turned out well.  It was a low intensity flashback, which I could ultimately enjoy.  Do you feel sexual?  Then why would you decide to jack off?  For something to do?  What if it contributes to the conditions?  What if part of your condition is about being a consumer of porn?  Then what should you do?  I wouldn’t worry about arthritis in your thumbs.  If it got bad, you could always kill yourself.  That is an invariant realization – you can always kill yourself.  If things get bad.  You don’t have to go on living.  It’s not a life sentence.  There is an out.  An escape.  If you need it.  Plastic bag time.  To do that now, at the peak or prime of your life?  Disquieting.  Not a good commentary, on god’s creation.  If you were to do that now, with a fully functional body and mind.  Life.  Work.  If you were to kill yourself now.  For “no reason”… Just for the warmth, the darkness.  Time to turn out the lights.  That’s what you’d be thinking, at that point.  Have had enough of the life, the light.  Time to turn out the lights.  That’s what you’d be thinking.  I hope I don’t do it.  I would call Resolve, if it got close to me doing it.  Things are set up to help me.  Still.  For now.  Maybe not always.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we’d consider / suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Thinking of your credit card?  Thinking of your subscriptions and services?  How it could go South?  Maybe that’s the anxiety inherent in a networked age.  The world of the interweb brings advantages, but also, anxiety.  You could lose an account.  You could get denied a service.  You could forget a password.  How you’d figure.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – not really.  Not for sure.

As you’d do.  As you’d go.  Things.  Different things.  This is what’s happening.  This is my life.  Believe it, or not.  Living wherever.  Apartment versus home.  What you do, what you consider.  A kind of fatalism.  Does it really matter?  Is the point moot?  Can you consider / figure?  What have you been doing.  Where you are.  Exactly where.  You think life is a test?  Imagination.  What do you have the imagination for.  If you’re just going to be a loser.  Lose, in other words.  They need some way of finding out.  If people are completely insane.  There would have to be a test.  It would have to be apparent.  To someone, walking around.  All the different people begin to seem like one hyperintelligent being.  All the points, added up.  How tweaked-out you are.  To be walking around like that.  Who would be able to understand.  Seeking recognition?  Some kind of recognition, in whose eyes?  Is this what we figure, consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  I should tic more.  I shouldn’t abandon my tic’s.  This is just raw draft.  I can do anything I want in raw draft.

I want to kill myself.  I want to die.  Life is too difficult.  What I’m talking myself into.  Because of housing.  Because of my history.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  As it would happen, as you’d consider.  I guess, I don’t know, I just suppose.  What you were thinking of doing.  How that would go.  I guess, I don’t know – I just suppose.  Tic’s to keep me company.  That’s what a nice tic is for.  As you’d figure.  To help you deal with your everyday.  To help you deal with your time.  Trying to realize what a flashback is like, why I shouldn’t care.  But I ~do care, when one’s happening.  This is what I’m doing.  Keep finding magical solutions, which end up not working.  Maybe I’m fucked.  I get to find out what it’s like to go crazy, repetitively and periodically.  Berlin Alexanderplatz is so bad it’s surreal.  A whole new level.  I’ve reached a new level.  The apartment is enabling me to do this.  What you’d consider / figure.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  SI.  Do I really want to kill myself?  Or do I just want to escape these problems, escape to the hospital…  This is how it would go.  If you’d figure.  If you’d consider.  Schizophrenia.  Dual-phase schizophrenia.  What I deal with.  Wanting to kill myself.  I don’t want to be here (home).  I’d rather be on my own.  At my apartment.  But what is the point of that?  I have that all week.  As it would happen.  So bad it’s surreal.  A whole new level of bad.  Hard to even imagine / describe.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.  That’s what happens.  If you had arrived here, exactly here.  Writing.  What that would be like.  What that ~is like.  I’m almost flying / floating.  There is almost nothing holding me here.  I’m weightless, I’m flow.  What you’d consider.  As you’d figure.  No one is making you go to Double Trouble.  You’re doing it on your own.  The stakes are so high.  Relapse, addiction.  If it can be any help, I think it’s worth it.  This is how that would go.  Does go.  Writing.  Weightless.  Empty, dead, null, void.  Why Lucas was probably right, about writing being hard.  Coming to see.  Coming to appreciate what he could have been talking about.  Ether at the lowly University of Pittsburgh.  Even at such a lowly school, the professors are pretty impressive.  For who they are.  How human they are.  Does he remember you?  You’d be surprised, how many students he must have to forget.  Just to stay sane.  In that kind of a position.  Dealing with crowds every day.  Crowds of supplicants.  What you’d figure.  You wanted to be a professor.  You wanted to do that.  You thought you’d be able to.  How delusional was that?  Different things.  Many failed classes at Tech.  Many withdrawals at Pitt.  Grad school wouldn’t necessarily like that.  A teaching job wouldn’t necessarily like that.  You’re fucked.  That’s about it.  That’s about how it goes.  What you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  It’s better knowing, than the uncertainty.  The uncertainty was killing me.  Better to know I have to move.  I will outlive this apartment.  I will overcome.  I will rise above.  This apartment won’t be the end of me.  Moving is like a book.  It has a beginning, middle, and end.  You go through it, you “read” it.  Read the book.  A book of moving.  It’s doable.  People do it all the time. 

What you do, what you consider.  As you would.  If you could.  Thinking, dreaming.  Waking up from some dreams.  What does that mean?  It’s meaningless – just meant to be memorable.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What exactly this feels like.  If you feel guilty.  A guilt trip.  How that would feel.  To “roll the dice”, roll your eyes, take chances with your eyes.  Is this what you could have been setting up?  “Certain times”..?  Is this what your whole theory/philosophy would lead to?  Everything is connected?  To your guilt..?  Is this how it works?  What you consider.  How you suppose.  The prisoners you freed, in your dream.  They were just going to let them rot in jail, never let them out.  When Vietnam fell to the communists.  I guess the communists could have let them out.  What you consider.  Not thinking as clearly, in a dream.  Can’t just enjoy the experience.  Enjoy it as a trip.  Say that to yourself – “Enjoy dreaming as a trip.”  Do you think if you said it countless times, you’d be able to remember it in a dream?  I doubt it.  Dreams seem to be set up, by your mind.  It seems to be a set up.  No choice.  Meant for you to sleep through.  If you were lucid in a dream, it would get too intense, and you’d just wake up.  The point is to sleep.  What we consider.  How we figure.  As you would, if you would.  Some of the things.  Some of the tic’s.  If you begin ticking, you might be pressuring yourself too hard verbally.  Too much verbal pressure.

Do you want to kill yourself?  End it all..  Why would you want to do that?  Life getting too stressful?  Worried about your internet, if you move to a new apartment?  How will you cope, without internet?  Is this what you consider, how you suppose?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I guess it will work out.  God.  Baeka, seems to have designed it.  Do you have faith in Baeka..  What do you have going on?  I guess, I don’t know.  It seems arrogant, to end a question with a period.  Why does that seem arrogant.  Like you already know the answer.  Like it’s a rhetorical question.  What you consider.  How you would suppose.  Guilt tripping?  Why do people scan?  That’s just life – that’s just what people do.  A-Janovian scanning.  Not scanning your memory, to see what worked before.  That’s Janovian scanning.  You’re scanning for something else, seeking something else.  Seeking meaning.  Becoming a writer.  God would want a writing experience.  Baeka.  That’s what you’ve concluded.  If Baeka were to come to life today.  After all that.  After having ~made the world, and history.  What Baeka might be into, today.  The interweb.  Giving you, allowing you, to spread your ideas.  What are your ideas?  You’d have to read the books.  I can’t really repeat their ideas.  Too complex to remember and repeat.  You’d have to read the books yourself.  If you wanted to know.  I guess.  People reading your works.  How that would go.  If the world were to turn on to it.  Aggregate Rationality.  Ultra-fictional philosophy.  Keep saying that to yourself – maybe it will come true.  The more you talk about something, the greater chance it has of actually happening.  What you consider.  Your parents.  So they could read themselves?  Or why not just tell them about it.  Anatole doesn’t like to read my books.  I’ve written four books.  I might have looked very closely into.  “Into” – depends what you mean by that word.  To be “into” something – to ~owe something.  You seem to have constructed a system of interconnecting concepts, which during a FB, it’s hard to break out of.  You seem to have constructed a system.  Programmed, in a sense.  They “programmed” you – showed you programs.  That’s what all parents do.  To their children.  They program.  Whether they want to or not, whether they have an experimental theory or not.  This is what happens.  How you suppose.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d figure.

How you’d almost have to.  Consider.  I have two websites, a blog, and a Youtube channel.  Things I would tell them for their own sake.  I don’t need to promote my site(s) to the med students.  I have enough visitors.  Could always use more.  Never “enough” – could ~always use more.  If you figure.  Mars Volta is ~ideal, digital, reproduced.  Concrete, material.  It is exactly what it is, and will last forever.  That’s what the interweb is setting up.  Eternal art-forms.  Music that will last as long as the Network lasts.  Same with the other forms of media – books, films.  What you’d consider.  How you’d figure.  I guess.  The field of consciousness.  Is consciousness ideal, n-dimensional?  I don’t think anyone knows.  Is it material?  I don’t think anyone knows.  It literally ~is material.  Made of material / structure.  How, though, is unknown.  I thought you had been thinking about this stuff.  What you would consider.  How you would figure.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we’d create, conspire to consider.  Your works.  Will they get reviewed in the Book Review?  Seems like a long shot.  The Academy is very careful about the ~identity of its members.  It wants to know exactly ~whose work is being focused on.  As a schizo, they would resist you.  No one wants to give a good grade to a schizo.  Or a degree, or a teaching job.  I just don’t think it would have worked.  And look at the works you’ve written..!  No one normal would be able to be down with them.  Not even an Ether.  Maybe a Sullivan.  Hard to tell.  Hard to say.  What he would be down with.  He likes DeLillo.  So I don’t think he needs books from you.  What you can dream of.  Once you know about DeLillo, fiction of other people becomes kind of extraneous.  How you would suppose.  How you would consider.  “I’ve read those books so many times…”  “After all the work I’ve done, I never wanna take it hard again.”  “How do you do that?”  “Keeping your secret might have saved your life.”  “I’d let people know about this kind of thing as soon as possible.”  “Nice fantasy.”  This is what I consider.  What Lucas would consider.  He has his own voice.  He can write things, also.  Why would he need you?  After what you did?  Just for Noel’s sake, he probably wouldn’t talk to you.  Just in respect of the discomfort you caused her.  This is what happens.  How we’d suppose.  How we explicate.  What do you have going on?  What music are you listening to?  Now?  I guess.  I guess you don’t have much choice.  No one does.  Determinism?  You can’t be free in an unfree society?  Until society is free… What about the interweb?  Isn’t that allowing a kind of “freedom” – for people such as yourself?  Aren’t you able to “freely” publish and promote?  Takes some money, sure.  But you aren’t being stopped.  Before the interweb, you would have been stopped cold.  No chance.  Rejection.  With the interweb, people can slowly start to find out about your stuff.  Before, if no one would have published, no one would have found out.  Scary.  You arrived just in time.  For the interweb.  You came of age just as the interweb was taking off.  Perfect timing.  Couldn’t really be any better timing.  For you as a writer.  For you as a person, author, director, musician.  Great timing.  “You’re great.”  “You believe you’re god.”  “Your god…”  God would want a writing experience.  Obviously.  “We’re just a bunch of bums.”  This is what you consider.  As you’d consider.  As you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Just writing my tic’s.  Just getting some ticking energy going on.  What I do, what I consider.  Dreams.  As the dreams would seem to indicate.  What more can be done for me?  I’m “independent”, living “on my own”… I think that’s key, for my mental state.  My psychological / spiritual state.  If I were under someone’s roof, would I have been able to write this stuff?  Yes, there might be complications, come time to move.  That is just life.  Can’t really be avoided.  And ultimately – you don’t need to keep all this stuff… You could survive without any of it.  Not even your Nexus 7 or computer.  It could all go to hell.  Good to realize.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone has Arrived

 

 

Such as.  As such.  Why – why are you doing this?  Why does anyone do anything?  They must want to, or be disciplined to.  Or made to.  Or have to.  This is the level of my thinking.  What my thinking degenerates to.  Or what it has evolved to.  Over the years.  Years of free-time.  What does it all add up to?  Nothing much.  Null reference.  Void pointer.  Suicide.  At least I’m not using.  Then things would ~really be hopeless.  I’m not suicidal in the sense that I’ll drink.  Not in that sense.  I have a pretty good resistance to drinking and drugs.  But I might be suicidal in the sense of directly kill myself with a garbage bag.  What you do.  If you can survive the apartment.  Fuck the apartment.  You were doing fine before the apartment.  You don’t need that apartment.  You could lose the whole thing, and life would go on.  What you consider.  Figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Not really.  I just suppose.  Things.  Things that go on.  What a writer writes.  Maybe you’re not very social.  Didn’t want to talk to the Paula’s in the car.  Maybe that’s crude / mean/ rude of you.  What you figure.  You have different problems to think about.  Different things to think about.  What you’d consider.  What you’d figure.  Almost exactly like.  I’m writing a book.  Voice and Voices: The Stream of David.  That’s what I’m calling it now.  Title could change.  Am I rude, crude, and vulgar?  Do I have anything going on?  What you would figure / consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  If you were going to say something for yourself.  Can anything be said for you?  At this point?  Having written that, made that, posted that online?  As you would figure / consider.  I guess, I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Nothing happening.  There’s really “nothing to me”… I haven’t written anything.  I haven’t made any music or film.  Romance, no.  I’ve just been wasting time.  Well, maybe not.  But the hopelessness sets in.  The difficulty of writing.  What you might imagine.  For a writer to have to face.  Maybe kill yourself.  Maybe ending it would be the best solution.  So what, you’re dead… Pretend you just killed yourself.  Now, born again..!  That’s a way of thinking about it.  You’re born again, into your life, with all this power, with all this I was going to say “accomplishment” but looking at it, you haven’t exactly accomplished anything.  This is what happens.  What you’d consider / figure.

As you’d do, as you’d figure.  What would have to be going on.  For that to happen.  Everything is connected.  Infinity is here.  You are the result of infinity.  The whole world is making itself known as you, now, here.  Everything is connected.  Your tongue is connected, part of your body.  It is unconnected, meaning it does not have ankyloglossia.  Connected, but unconnected.  If you can dig that.  How you consider.  How you figure.  You just ~wasted a movement.  You wasted time.  If you added up all the time you waste, in your life, it would be substantial.  What would it mean for everything to be connected?  For the pixels in your eyes?  This is how infinity makes itself known.  The source?  Writing the source code?  Someone has to do it.  Why is that so bad – to be writing the source?  Why would that cause you such anxiety, during a flashback?  Pretending not to think you’re god?  Why would that be?  What if you were to ~own your philosophy?  It’s ultra-fictional.  I don’t actually have to believe it’s true.  It’s just something to write / read.  I’m just saying.  How you’d go.  How you’d figure.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What that would be like.  Having looked into certain borderline conditions.  What rhymes with “borderline”?  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you write.  What you’d write.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Who would care about writing like this?  Only “writers”?  There are a lot of “writers”… In the world?  Tons.  Maybe they ~would like to see your work.  The source.  What you’d consider. 

Almost, what you’d consider.  Writing.  As good as it gets.  What you consider.  As it would.  You have to stop listening to assholes tell you what to write and read, and ~teach ~yourself.  At some point.  What if you had been doing academic work for the past ten years?  Where would you be?  What would have become of the books you ~did write – your actual life?  What would have become of that?  Ether might have been a prophet.  Giving you a bad grade.  Saying “no” to DCB.  That might have been one of the most key grades I ever got.  Convincing me to leave the English department.  And go to philosophy.  One of the most key grades ever.  This is what I do.  If you can escape the Academy, go for it… As J.T. Ether asked, “What are the possibilities for intelligence?”  This is what happens.  How you create.  If you were to, as you were to.  I guess.  I’m not really sure.  Not certain.

I decided to give you the full perspective.  What we do.  What we come across.  If, in the end, you decide.  If you were to.  Decide Today.  Can today be a day?  Back in the day?  Could ~today have been one of those days?  Repeat performance?  Calling Godfried a dick?  For fucking with you?  Want to avoid a repeat of that?  Reminded me of why I don’t want to hang out with him.  Controlling musically.  Fucks with my set up.  Drives like a dick.  Two driving errors, bad.  Maybe I should “move on”… What do I need those fellows for?  They’re good to have as Facebook friends.  Real life?  Not really “life”… That’s not life.  That’s waste.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  If I were to.  As I were to.  It would actually have been a tragedy, me in the Academy.  Let’s just say I didn’t have the TMJ disorder, that I ~could teach and talk.  For me, to submit to the Academic discipline – to write dry, predictable books… That would have sucked.  I’d be fucked, as far as my project goes.  Wouldn’t have gone far, in the Academy.  Wouldn’t have gotten off the ground.  Now I know.  I didn’t always know.  Trying to get into fiction school with the worry-tale.  Might have worked.  What kind of “fiction” would I have written there?  Shit fiction?  To conform to your colleagues?  That’s the thing about the environment, it pushes you to conform.  To adapt your format to the situation.  When really.  Only ~you know your format.  You are the key.  You are the most key.

If we’re talking about ~history, if we’re talking about ~reality?  Do you think an academic is more powerful than DCB will be?  DCB?  And you’d listen to assholes tell you what to read and write?  I don’t think so.  Not happening.  If you value your own work.  Then the Academy would be about the worst decision you could make.  Now you know.  You didn’t always know.  Ether had to try to communicate it to you.  In whatever way he could.  Smiling at him.  “You’re speaking to me as if I am a Prophet..”  And I’m the son of God.  This is how that would work.  If you figure, if you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know, I just suppose.

What you’d do.  What you consider.  Certain conditions can be helpful.  In getting you to realize the intensity.  That certain people could be feeling.  If your site were to explode.  And certain “mothership” addresses were to be made known.  You gave them the mothership.  Where you live.  Exactly where you live, and don’t die.  Exactly.  As if this has happened before.  “Be for”… For or against.  Certain readings.  Afraid to turn out the lights?  Turning out the lights?  Afraid of the dark?  What could these conditions be for?  Tripping?  Perfectly tripping?  Like you’d want to trip, in a safe, private place?  Is that what this is all about?  Curiosity killed the cat?  Eaten something you shouldn’t have?  Took some bad acid?  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  No one else said it was bad.  Could have been targeted.  Certain targets.  If certain people were to become targets, because of content on certain sites.  Targeted advertisement.  Targeted especially to you.  If you’d figure.  Ultra-fictional philosophy explosions.  What do you call it?  Does “it matter”, what you call it?  Everything matters.  Every “thing” matters.  To a being alive.  If you’re dead, things wouldn’t matter, as much.  If you were to die.  When you die.  When you will die.  Then.  At that point.  Things won’t matter, as much, to you.  What you could have done to the world.  Given.  Gifts.  What is given can be taken away.  Everyone was hopeful, about your problem.  That you’d be able to figure out how to deal with your problem.  Hopeful.  Turns out, you almost never did figure it out.  You needed help.  Therapy.  Medicine.  “Schizophrenia might be nice for this.”  For this sort of thing.  They say.  Janov says.  You might want to go crazy.  Heard Janov’s voice once before?  Permanent déjà vu?  Like this has happened already before?  Is that what a FB is about?  Hard to say.  Hard to say exactly.  “The” point.  If you got the point.  How insane that would feel.  You’ve posited.  The original condition is schizophrenia.  The world was born of schizophrenia.  So ~everyone, always already, would know about this.  Your only positive statement.  Maybe not.  Your most fundamental statement.  About how the world was born.  Or people.  How people are born.  Is this schizophrenic condition something you’re remembering?  Like you had this when very young?  And you integrated your mind, to a normal level of functioning?  But now you’re disintegrating, and re-experiencing it?  Maybe.  Possible.  I think that would be remembered and commented upon.  If this is how people developed.  From insanity.  But the world?  Could have been?  How ~else could the world have originated?  A safe, sane, rational beginning / genesis?  Doesn’t seem likely.  Not really.

Self-surgery.  What you would expect, out of life, with a sign like that.  “They say you’ll kill yourself.”  Scissors.  We thought if it was a problem, you would have talked about it.  Sleepy.  Slugging around.  Resting.  What’s there to get up for?  What’s there to possibly do?  I’m a writer.  I can write.  It’s an option that’s open to me.  Available.  If I choose to take it.  If I don’t, well, expect a poor outcome.  That’s what you figure. 

Adorno.  What do you have to say, after reading Minima Moralia?  What does that make you feel confident about?  Apparently people can’t read that book.  I might have to write a book people can read.  This is how it goes.  What you’d think.

What you could consider, what you could suppose.  Having.  Having done that.  Having gone that far.  Seems like it took a while, for you to realize this.  To get here.  Seems.  What took you so long?  This is what they wonder.  “I don’t care what ‘they’ say..”  Different things.  You could have been looking into.  “Into”..   What do you owe the FB conditions?  Everything.  My clarity, my ability to hold these states of mind in mind, with perfect clarity.

If you decided to be the best.  As you've decided to be the best.  What you've considered.  As that would go.  If you wanted to change things.  To change the world.  How would you go about that?  If you wanted to?  Wouldn’t everyone call Resolve, all the time?  Or just certain people, at certain times.  “Call Resolve”… Assessing you for this task (calling Resolve).  Have they made multiple errors, in assessing you for this task?  Are you ready?  Is this what you live with, deal with?  If you can live with it, deal with it, is it a crisis?  If you ~want to be tripping, and hear voices…  Then.  Then you don’t need to go inpatient.  Getting impatient for the inpatient psychiatric admission?  This is what would happen.  How you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you figure, what you consider.  Time and space are said to be continuous, when you’re in prison.  Things I write on Facebook.  A test.  If they’re good enough to be my friend.  If they can handle the intensity.  It’s a test.  An intelligence test.  Can they handle the truth, my truth?  If not, they can unfriend me.  This is what happens.  What you’d consider.

What it considers.  Continuous forms of help.  They’re interested in what would happen if I call Resolve.  What you figure.  Maybe I have to live with this.  Maybe there is really no choice.  What you consider.  What you figure.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I could be doing anything.  What ~should I do?  That is the ultimate question of freedom.  No one knows.  No one else knows what you should do.  You get to decide.  You get to write your own destiny.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What you consider, what you figure.  I guess.  My Facebook profile.  Pictures of me online.  Things I would consider.  If I were to.  As I were to.  Cravings.  Craving for some experience.  A different kind of experience.  Not SA, but perhaps the crew.  Maybe I’d do well to have some social interaction.  But the FB’s.  I suppose they would interfere with that scene – just as they’ve interfered with my groups.  No way around it.  Maybe I’m meant to be alone, and write.  Stay in and work.  That’s what I should have been doing the whole time.  Not partying and getting wasted.  Such a waste.  Such a tragedy.  Waste some of your schizophrenic attention on this?  Is that what a schizophrenic’s attention inevitably is – a waste?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  What we could be doing.  As we could be doing.

What you have going on, happening.  As it were to.  If you were to.  Facebook doings / happenings.  Important?  “I wished to be King of the world..  I didn’t realize we’d each have our ~own worlds…”  This is what I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Problems with my Genome Music feed?  Static, jumps, distortion?  Nothing is perfect.  Even a digital music feed, over broadband.  This is what happens.  What we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d consider.  How you’d suppose.  What we do / consider / repeat.  If you’d want to “repeat” any of this.  Follow in my footsteps.  You will die.  Other beings will be born.  That is all.  That is all there is.  Life will go on.  With, or without you.  You can’t control God.  You can’t decide your fate, for god.  This is what happens.  You will die.  Maybe another creature will be born.  Maybe your spirit will be akin to this new spirit.  Although you yourself don’t feel like a reincarnation of an old spirit.  You feel fresh / first.  So you doubt that things would be any different, for a new being.  Each new being gets his own spirit.  What we consider.  How we figure.  Unbelievable stuff happening.  In the world.  The world.  Which you’d like to change.  Which is going so however.  Not well.  For many people.  Not well at all.  You do what you can.  Participate in society?  The exploitation of the poor?  Is that what you’d be participating in?  If you decide you want to only make your living by writing.  By using your mind to interact with reality.  A purely mental approach.  Minimizing voices. 

What I consider.  What one could suppose.  No rules?  Strange thing to say.  Maybe not to DCB.  David, there are no rules here.  Of course there are rules.  Everything has rules to it.  Rules define reality.  Rules define the world.  Everything happens according to a rule.  You can’t escape rules.  Determinism.  Jones.  What you figure.  Monads don’t interact.  We’re not monads.  We’re aggregates of a vast number of monads.  We’re systems which interact.  Interaction, is in a sense, all we do.  We have no spontaneous subjectivity.  We are pure responders.  Pure reactionaries.  This is what I think.  What I consider.

Some of the points.  You show, don’t tell.  What you could.  He meant it.  Inside job.  Into voices like this.  Into him fucking with your shit.  You didn’t look too into him fucking with your shit again.  They’d want to scan to see who is fucking with them.  Some scans.  What you’re scanning for.  Voices.  What do you owe the voices?  Real people.  Seems like you’d want to tell them.  At certain points.  If you were going to call Resolve.  I might have adjusted to the FB’s.  They might seem okay, now.  With more Zyprexa.  Maybe that’s it.  You can adjust to them.  Because you always wanted to be hearing voices, to be tripping, even.  And now you get to.  On a periodic basis.  You might say, what’s the big deal?  But during a FB, it becomes a big deal.  Low intensity, variable intensity.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  Things you could write.  At a certain time.  Why are you against voices?  They’re this into your life.  At a point in your life.  What you consider.  Scanning for… Listening for, is more the thing.  You get a different perspective on your text.  It’s like you’re reading it with someone else.  Like there are multiple selves, reading it.  This is what happens.

Voices.  Inside.  What are you scanning for?  Janovian scanning, to “see what worked”… According to Janov’s findings.  His theory doesn’t apply to me.  I am uncovered by Primal Theory.  This is what I consider.  How I figure.  What you suppose / exist.  Portray / consist.  Different things.  Yes, today’s FB wasn’t “bad”… That’s not to say yesterday’s wasn’t bad… Some go well, others not so well.  If you realize the voices are from inside.  “They” are ~you.  It’s your own voice.  What Gerry said might have been true.  Energy in your brain.  What you could consider.  My fantasy is to publish books.  I don’t have very much money.  What you might consider.  You might figure.  As you’d see.  If you’d see.  Different sounds coming from behind you in your apartment.  Like the AC is fucking with itself / you.  What you could imagine.

What you imagine.  Coming from inside you.  What’s there to be afraid of, if that’s the case?  If that’s really the case – then it’s coming from ~you.  Realizations.  Little sayings, you think might be helpful?  But will probably not be, come next strong FB?  This is what happens.  What you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Things.  Like you might.  As you might.  Dual Technique.  Different Talking.  You did what you had to do.  Sorry I dropped out of sight there for a minute.  This is how it goes.  What you’d figure / consider.  If, in the end, ultimately, you would…  Sex is a waste.  Maybe you’re starting to realize that.  As you develop / age.  You’re starting to realize what you should and should not be doing.  Maybe the orgasms contribute to the negative feelings in a flashback..  You haven’t been doing it, and the flashbacks are getting better.  What you could consider.  How you could figure.

I don’t want to be a whiner.  A complainer.  Maybe the flashbacks aren’t that bad.  If you can survive them… What’s the big deal?  Head glued to the pillow, for hours a day?  Is that the big deal?  Primal man?  Maybe this is what it means to have Primals.  Explosion.  Nuclear explosion.  Two hemispheres of your brain.  Fission / fusion experiment.  What part of this picture don’t you get?  How do you suppose?  How do you consider?  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.  How it would go.  How you would expect.  Helping people with computers.  You needed a lot of help, yourself.  How would that work.  Writing in a journal, in public.  You had forgotten what that was like.  Too much private writing.  As you would happen to the world.  You’ve been lucky enough to have the time for lots of scanning.  Lots of perspectives.  How much time have you had?  -- A certain amount.  Certain times.  Why does it seem like a “certain time”, so often lately?  Need to be on a different med?  Self-surgery?  The mental health equivalent of surgery?  I need a surgical procedure.  I don’t want to go in the hospital.  It’s becoming increasingly difficult to imagine an alternative.  Suicide would be a childish escape.  Childish versus child-like escapes?  Children.  Scanning.  What you would consider.  If you were to.  How everyone would have an opinion.  On what role you’re playing.  If you’re going for the lead role.  In life.  What that would look like.  Scans meant just for you.  Like only his mother would know.  Things usually you’d just want your mother to know.  Private things.  Such as.  On that note.  Feeling weightless out in public.  What were you scanning for?  How would that work?  I wasn’t God – I didn’t create the Earth.  But I’m channeling god.  God is within me.  What that would look like.  If you were to believe that.  How people would react.

What you consider.  What you suppose.  I guess – I don’t know.  Not actually.  Finally ready to accept the FB’s, the voices?  Finally ready to pinpoint the source as yourself?  Maybe.  Maybe that’s how it works.  What you would figure.  Going higher on Zyprexa.  This is what you’d imagine.  How you’d suppose.  If you would, as you would.  Different things.  You could be aware of.  You could be conscious of.  As you were to.  If you were to.  Dimensional Transfer.  Dream Telos.  Dysphoria Transcendence.  This is how it would go.  Exactly.  People looking into your eyes.  People seeing exactly where you’ve been.  Where your “I’s” have been.  That’s what I’d think.  If you were to allow friends/family to see your eyes.  Isn’t that how it would go?  How you would consider?  If?  A big “if”…  This is how it goes.  How you’d figure.

What you do.  Having played guitar at such-and-such a level, last night.  Having created music of whatever quality.  Allows you.  To now.  To now write with that perspective in mind.  “I’m kind of burned out on guitar.”  “You’ve just played an hour and forty-five minutes..!”  This is what happens.  How you would consider.  How you would suppose.  You’re sitting right in front of it.  This is how that would go.  How you could consider.  Playing.  “Playing.”  Is this “play” – or is it ~deadly serious?  What you figure, what you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Would you enter a Masters or Ph.D. program?  I have TMJ disorder, so I can’t speak for extended periods, so academic work is off limits to me.  What we consider.  As we got surgery to fix the tongue problem.  You’d then wonder, about the jaw.  It would then make you wonder.  What you consider.  If you were to get surgery for the tongue.  Then.  You might wonder.  Where the TMJ comes into play.  If you would.  As you would.  As you would consider.

I guess.  I don’t know.  This is what I do.  DT – David Therapy.  If you deprive yourself of DT, it may feel like torture.  This is what I do.  What I consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d figure, what you’d consider.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  How much I like to tic.  Whether that’s a problem.  Exporting schizophrenic philosophy onto the world.  Whether the world will like that.  Usually, you don’t let us know. 

Learning what articulation is all about.  Writing.  Saving versus throwing away.  It gives a good feeling, to know you might not be saving a piece of writing journal.  It’s freedom.  It’s a weightlessness.  The only force that can hold you back is the force of your own consciousness.  Keeping you glued to the pillow all day.  Yoga Nidra – maybe ya gotta do it.  It’s more effective than just slugging out.  The rotation of awareness, breathing, and stillness have a therapeutic effect.  Maybe I have to live with flashbacks.  Maybe my life is just that extreme.  That things like that happen to me all the time.  It’s not boring.  At least we can say that.  May you live an interesting life.. I would have escaped, from a life like that.  If this is going to be your life.  As you’d figure / consider.  Things.  I guess.  It just.  It’s just.  What do you write?  What would ~that be like – the ultimate level you are at?  What is your level?  Of difficulty.  What level are you introducing these people to?  A gentle introduction?  Or a harsh one?  How do you write?  How does that go for you?  When you figure yourself out.

What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  I don't know – I just suppose.  Things, that could be happening.  Going wrong.  The voices.  Continual barrage.  Internal.  Drool response.  Most writers would drool, if they got this level of attention.  It ~seems hellish.  It seems difficult.  The difficulty certain people faced... I'm getting an appreciation of it. 

Recommending that people don't follow me.  This is what happens.  How you suppose.  How do you consider?  What are your tic's like?  How do you talk to yourself?  Does the repetition, the “looping”, lead to a FB?  Or is the looping a symptom also, of something else, that causes the FB?  This is what I think.  Caffeine?  I don't think so.  Not really.  That's not really my problem.  What we consider, how we figure.  It begins.  To seem.  If you had a flashback today.  How that would make you feel.  How you feel, having FB's.  Not good.  You might ask, “What's the big deal?”  But during a FB, it becomes a big deal.  No question.  Certain.  I'm certain of it.  Certain people might find this alarming.  Wouldn't everyone think that, all the time?  Or just certain people, at certain times?  Ether saying the task of someone falling into an abyss is to learn to fly.  Seemed to be helpful, before.  Little sayings aren't so helpful, anymore.  My problem is so profound that little sayings don't help it much.

What you consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  Share your tic's – they will help us write..!  This is what happens.  Tic's might be the most valuable thing a writer could share, with another writer.  What you do.  As it goes, as it were.  This is what happens.  You like to write.  Don't care about what you write, so much.  Just like the writing.  Like the typing into the computer page.  This is how it goes, how you'd figure.  I guess.  I don't know.  I just suppose.  Disguised Thought?  Different Talking?  Discovery Tales?  Things.  Almost exactly like.  Following you.  As closely as you could imagine.  They could be following as close as you could possibly imagine.  They'd have to be, to interact like that, with your thoughts.  It would have to be coming from your own mind.  Insane.  Completely insane?  How does that feel?  What's “that” like?  I guess.  What is “it” like is a loaded question, because when you're insane, any characterization of “it” is going to be wrong.  A faulty analysis.  It can seem one way, when really being another.  So it's kind of hopeless.  In a condition.  Not much you can do.  Flashback condition.  Not much can be done about it.  What you figure / consider.  I guess.  I don't know.

What you consider.  What you suppose.  I guess.  I don't know – not really. 

This is what I do, what I consider.  I think if you figured it out.  If you had anything to figure out.  What it seems like.  When you write.  When you consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I’ll have to get used to this new “look”… What happens.  What is happening.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What you’d figure.  If you had looked into certain things.  What certain things could look like.  “Like”… Things appearing brilliant again, today.  For the nth time.  I guess.  I don’t know.  What characteristic voices could you be listening to now?  If this is a “certain time”, you might figure.  You could consider.  Maybe it’s just the way things look.  Maybe it’s all in your head.  Isn’t that what you thought?  Before?  Didn’t that help you?  Thinking “it’s all in my head” seemed to help.  Doesn’t seem to help so much, anymore.  My problem seems a bit more profound.  Sayings or phrases do not help.  It would seem.  Depending.  Decisions.  David-splitting?  Is that your interpretation?  Time to “split”, in a Janovian sense?  What if you’re theory is a-Janovian?  Then what would the translation be?  Determinate Translation.  Dynamic Tolerance.  The DT concepts, the sixteen concepts, you have access to.  What you’d consider.  The Libre Office was being really buggy.  Made me want to switch.  Made me switch to MS.  I guess.  Things you could consider, you could think about.  As it were.  The standard, the industry standard application.  What you could consider.  What it does, what you make.  How you go.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  Different things.  As it would appear.  As you would appear.  Ah, peer?  Your peers?  Who are your peers?  At the tip of the needle…

This is what I’d do, what I’d consider.  If you were to suppose.  If you were to elaborate.  FB things not seeming as scary in a non-FB.  Of course, naturally.  An FB is going to make things feel really special.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  Everything seems to be connected.  “Type”… As a writer, of “types” of things.  How else could I interpret?  Some strange interpretations, floating around this house.  Schizophrenic philosophy, promoted worldwide.  I’m becoming a writer.  It wasn’t chronic, time-based.  It was structural.  My problem was not time- or space-based.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Depending How Followly You Were Closing My Eyes

 

 

This is what I do.  What I consider.  New word processing program.  Cool!  Life is kinda cool, sometimes.  Things work out, sometimes.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you do, what you consider.  I guess.  Things I could be looking “into”..  Depends what you think “into” means.  Some strange interpretations.  Wouldn’t everyone be interpreting, all the time?  Or just certain people, at certain times?  Fame before you’re ready for it?  What the interweb allows?  It allows for an explosion of interest, into “points”… Pressure.  Does it feel like you’re going to explode?  Are you going “downhill”?  Bad ending?  Wouldn’t ~everyone get a bad ending, all the time?  In life?  Then why are you so special?  Drool response.  To be followed this closely.  Incites a drool response, in a writer.  To be followed this closely.  Incites a drool response.  Is that a natural, or conditioned, response?  Is there a difference, in your life?  How can you describe Mahler’s music?  Is that what you should be thinking about?  It seems to matter, how I describe it.  “It”… Any interpretation will include multiple errors, if you’re insane.  In a way, it wouldn’t matter, “what it feels like”.. Okay.  I say I’m okay.  It’s my automatic response. 

I was always going to imagine.  FB thinking.  Maybe you want to ~maximize the voices, not minimize.  What I’ve been thinking about.  Different things.  You could say.  Sayings.  Little sayings don’t have as much power, to help me, anymore.  My problem appears to be more profound.  Certain conditions.  “You want.”  You want to be tripping this hard.  You want to be hearing voices.  Opening a direct channel into your brain.  The voices have a direct channel.  Seems like I’ve agitated them.  They say there interested in what would happen if I call Resolve.  Drool, for this close attention to my work.  It excites a drool response.  I guess.  “I don’t care what they say.”  Ten thousand years?  Are you ready for that type of intensity?  “Type”?  Wouldn’t you have to let people know, what “type” they are dealing with?  Wouldn’t they want to know?  At certain times?  Exactly where you’ve been?  You’re not homeless (yet).  You’re on the edge.  Edge or “gel” territory.  If you were scanning.  For love.  Doesn’t always show up in a scan.  If you were scanning.  Why are you scanning?  To see what you “should” do, in a case like this?  Is there a “should” for this case?  If you’re a free consciousness?  Freely choosing to write his destiny?  “You can’t write your own Wikipedia entry.”  “You can, however, write your own destiny.”  This is what we consider.  How we suppose.

Do these little sayings help you?  Do you gain comfort, from your sayings?  You’re trying to show them.  To show your parents, and family, that you love them.  This is how you’re trying.  Doing this to give comfort, to yourself and others.  This is what happens.  How we consider.  I guess – I don’t know – I just suppose.  What you’d expect.  From a condition like this.  Maybe wait until a certain condition, if you’re going to call Resolve.  If you’re going to call them, best to wait for a time when you’re certain.. I was certain I forgot to take my meds.  New location for the pill bottles, disrupted my routine.  I certainly forgot.  Can I be certain of anything?  Double dose?  Either I took the correct dose, or I took a double dose.  Two choices.  What I suppose.  What I create.  What I have going on.  I guess.  I don’t know – I just suppose.  What we do, what we consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I just suppose.

What you have going on.  As you awaken from Yoga Nidra.  This is how it goes.  How it would go.  Almost exactly.  The ideal voice, giving you a tour of your body.  If you were to.  As you were to.  This is how that would go.  How you consider.  I guess – I don’t know.  Your choice.  If you wanted to hallucinate.  The rhythmic pulsing.  Something your mind is apparently capable of.  If it were to do acid, again.  If you were to make that decision.  In the future.  Hopefully not.  Hopefully you’ll never need to abuse substances again.  Ideal media.  Mental media.  Content is now digital and ideal.  Not dirty, vinyl or tape.  It is virtual, ideal.  It can last forever.  Perfect reproduction.  What you consider.  Text, after Kindles.  What text has become.  Who you choose to read.  DeLillo, Pynchon.  What those two have to say about reality.  What you would consist of.  Little helpful sayings.  My problem is profound enough, that little sayings probably won’t help.  “It’s all in your head.  In your imagination.”  Nice fantasy.  This is what happens.  How you suppose.  I want to live with you forever.  Things I said.  I was known to say.  What we figure / consider.  I guess.  I was just trying to make my love be known, in the conventional ways I knew how.  Difficult interlude.  Difficult passage.  What you’d figure.  A phone call from Lucas, a phone call from Noel.  Memorable.  What does the unspoken yes mean?  “It’s just a meaningless URL.  Meant to be easy to remember.”  What do your books mean?  They’re meaningless – just meant to be memorable.  This is what I do, what I consider.  I guess.  I don’t know.  As I lose focus.  As I’d want to lose focus on my writing.  What I would consider.  How I would figure.  Yoga Nidra makes me kind of tired.  I’m glad I went through it.  It knocks you out, in a way.  Waking sleep.  A dreaming wakefulness.  A dream.  Dream Telos.  Dual Technique.  What you would consider.  How you would suppose.

How that would go.  Exactly.  Introducing yourself.  A meeting.  What type of introduction would you give?  Would you suppose?  For your “type” of person?  Should they be afraid of you?  For you?  Are you safe?  Do you feel safe?  What do you have going on?  How do you discover / relate.  Different things.  What you would suppose.  Being a writer.  I am becoming.  I am becoming a writer.  Things we could figure.  Consider.

I guess I have to keep going.  What you might figure.  If you were to consider.  Then.  Depending on what you had been writing.  What have you been writing?!  This is what it seems like.  Speaking German, or English.  Getting yourself up to consciousness level.  The man, not the work.  (Teste).  You want ~yourself to be the artwork, not a book you wrote.  That's what I think.  How I consider.  I guess.  I don't know.  I just suppose.  What you consider.  The cold ~stimulates..  This is what I think.  What I suppose.  I guess.  I don't know.  I just suppose.  I just figure/ consider.  If you were to.  As you were to.  It becomes.  It becomes a matter.  Of what you'd do.  Which girls you'd like to have sex with.  Women.  Either way.  Bring strange women to your apartment?  Causing you to trance out about one of Janov's rape case studies.  Different trances you could get into.  A dirty man.  Said he'd break a bottle and cut me.  This is what happens.  How you figure.  How you suppose.  What you could have done differently.  Discovery Tales.  Different Talking, disguised thought.  Maybe I might need a permanent trip inpatient.  So I can be treated.  I don't know if they can treat me outpatien